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Thread: Flirting problem - he has not asked me out

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2009

    Question Flirting problem - he has not asked me out


    Just wanted to write down a little something about my situation and see if anyone here has advice.

    I'm a 29 year old female and have a crush on a guy who is a 36 year old male. We have been going to the same gym together for about 8 months, 4-7 times per week depending on the week.

    Our friendship has developed to the point where we chat a lot, and we are also friends on Facebook and have gone out (in a group) a couple of times, and have g-chatted a few times, the last time for an hour. Based on the way he looks at me and talks to me, sometimes I think he likes me, and other times I think he doesn't. Sometimes I am entirely confident that he is into me! Other times I leave the scene feeling unsure.

    One troubling thing is that while I've managed to get our friendship going, I am maybe not a good flirter. I am very shy, and sometimes talk with other guys in his presence out of nervousness. Recently, I even mentioned another guy I had a crush on.

    At the same time, I am really nice to this guy (my #1 crush!) and have even asked him to get together once. However, when I asked him it was something really far-fetched... a faraway concert that I was already going to with my friends, 3 hours away, based on a band he recommended a long time earlier. He couldn't make it because of a work commitment that day, which was entirely believable.

    A couple of weird factors:
    - Recently he said that he sometimes feels like "my dad" and has also said some insecure comments about his age sometimes. Maybe he thinks he's too old for me?

    - A few weeks after he and I met, my sister (un-suavely, against my wishes) asked one of his friends if he was into me. The friends said that the guy had "Never thought about it," and also that he only likes Asian girls. I am not Asian. However, I do have dark hair and pale skin, and I'm petite, so I don't know if that's a factor. Or if he would date someone who is not Asian.

    - Recently, another girl has left a couple of short, somewhat flirtatious comments on his Facebook wall. This girl is Asian. I don't know what to make of it.

    - He used to initiate conversation a little less than me... now it's about 50/50.

    The fact is that this guy has not asked me out, but then again, I bet I've sent some pretty mixed signals. He HAS seemed eager to come out whenever I was going to be present in the group, and he seems to pass by me more often than he should. Sometimes I think he likes me just based on his body language and the look in his eye. He has complimented me sometimes and generally acted like a gentleman (e.g., holding my door).

    Then again, he has also made comments in passing like that he tries to avoid relationships, and his friends said he is not really into dating. Then again, there is this thing about the other girl... !!!

    I am not sure what my next move should be (if anything). Do I keep interacting with him in a friendly way and trying to keep getting to know him? Should I try some bold move to somehow get us to spend time together? Should I sit back and wait for him to ask me out?

    I am sort of geeky and inexperienced, and I feel like I'm in some uncharted territory of courtship that I don't know how to manage. Any advice would be appreciated!

    Thanks a lot, and pardon the long-windedness I thought it would help me to write it all out.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    welcome to enotalone. well, from what you have written, it sounds mostly like he likes you as a friend. has he flirted with you or given you some signals that he could be interested? i think what he said about 'avoiding relationships' is a red flag, sounds like a guy who doesn't want to be ANYONE'S boyfriend. i would definitely keep my options open and don't wait around for this guy. get out there and flirt, i am sure there are plenty of other men who would love to date you!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Lost somewhere in South East Asia...
    From what you have said, it seems like he might be just as shy, if not more, than you are.

    So while you are waiting for him to ask you out, perhaps he is sitting there wondering how he is supposed to ask you out. Shy people tend to be in their own heads a lot, so perhaps what has been going around in your head is going around in his.

    It seems to me that one of you has to do something, and sitting around waiting for him to ask you out is NOT doing something. You like him, you wonder if he likes you, ask him out. Somewhere just you and him. How else are you going to find out if it's going to go anywhere else? And if it turns out that he is only interested in Asian girls, then at least you know and you can focus on someone else. But then, if you put it out there, then he knows and might do something about it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    OP... welcome. The fact that you mentioned you had another crush on someone is perhaps not a good thing... but I agree with Annie in that the "relationships" comment is a red flag. Still, to me it sounds like a guy who likes you, but doesn't want to risk the friendship for a chance of being your significant other.

    As Keyman suggested... take him some place where you know it's only going to be you guys and no one else. See how he reacts then... try to get a feel for him. Me personally, being in that situation I'd totally go for it and make my move if I were interested. If I wasn't interested, I'd try to keep the evening out more friendzoneish.


  5. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    yeah, that was a bad move - don't tell the person you want to ask you out, that you're interested in someone else.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2009

    Thanks everyone

    Hi all,

    Thanks a lot - this website is amazing! What quick responses!

    I am going to take the advice and try to ask him out somewhere that's just him and me. Hopefully I can do so in a friendly and approachable way that is not too weird, but that is still an opportunity to get to know each other if he is interested...

    Grrr, so tricky.

    I will report back... !!


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