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My ex broke up with me 2 months ago saying he's "not a happy person, doesn't want to love or be love." I said, "I thought you were in love with me" and he said "I am in love with you" I said, "I thought you wanted to be with me" and he said, "I do want to be with you" and he said "I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."

 

I know he's in love with me, we were together for almost 4 years. We broke up once before because of a year long of my lack of affection to him and lack of attention (turns out I was depressed) and when we broke then I went into therapy and became my own happy self. He on the other hand has been spiraling down. We got back together but he hadn't got out of his spiral so things weren't good, he also held resentment for me because of the year where I was a not so loving GF.

 

ANYWHO...after this break up in May, 2 months since the break and 21 days of NC i start to wonder - DO THE DUMPERS FEEL PAIN, and if they do is it possible they feel it JUST AS MUCH OR EVEN MORE as the DUMPEE?

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My ex broke up with me 2 months ago saying he's "not a happy person, doesn't want to love or be love." I said, "I thought you were in love with me" and he said "I am in love with you" I said, "I thought you wanted to be with me" and he said, "I do want to be with you" and he said "I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."

 

I know he's in love with me, we were together for almost 4 years. We broke up once before because of a year long of my lack of affection to him and lack of attention (turns out I was depressed) and when we broke then I went into therapy and became my own happy self. He on the other hand has been spiraling down. We got back together but he hadn't got out of his spiral so things weren't good, he also held resentment for me because of the year where I was a not so loving GF.

 

ANYWHO...after this break up in May, 2 months since the break and 21 days of NC i start to wonder - DO THE DUMPERS FEEL PAIN, and if they do is it possible they feel it JUST AS MUCH OR EVEN MORE as the DUMPEE?

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They feel a different type of pain in most cases. Because they're not the ones being abandoned they dont feel the pain associated with rejection, confusion and helplessness as well as the impact of sudden detachment. If the break-up was as a result of progressive detachment from their end (which is usually the case) their only pain results from feeling sorry for you and the fact that the relationship didn't work out. It is a pain much easier to deal with because the break-up was initiated by them so while they can walk away assured that they are doing whats best for them, you are left feeling that you lost what would have been best for you, which is the dumper who dumped you.

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They feel a different type of pain in most cases. Because they're not the ones being abandoned they dont feel the pain associated with rejection, confusion and helplessness as well as the impact of sudden detachment. If the break-up was as a result of progressive detachment from their end (which is usually the case) their only pain results from feeling sorry for you and the fact that the relationship didn't work out. It is a pain much easier to deal with because the break-up was initiated by them so while they can walk away assured that they are doing whats best for them, you are left feeling that you lost what would have been best for you, which is the dumper who dumped you.

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They feel a different type of pain in most cases. Because they're not the ones being abandoned they dont feel the pain associated with rejection, confusion and helplessness as well as the impact of sudden detachment. If the break-up was as a result of progressive detachment from their end (which is usually the case) their only pain results from feeling sorry for you and the fact that the relationship didn't work out. It is a pain much easier to deal with because the break-up was initiated by them so while they can walk away assured that they are doing whats best for them, you are left feeling that you lost what would have been best for you, which is the dumper who dumped you.

 

This hits the nail on the head....despite the fact as dumpees that we wish otherwise, the relationship was ending for the dumpers for months or at least weeks before it did for us. They weren't happy with us in the relationship, so oddly, their pain came when the relationship was still going on, even though, in the case of my ex at least, dumpers often hide their concerns and aren't entirely honest with us about what they're really thinking. I think in many cases, dumpers also may have also met someone new and realize that they don't feel as deeply for us as we do for them. It's why they are often with someone new in a matter of days or weeks, as to them, that's been in their heads for some time. They may feel a twinge of guilt but likely little else.

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Spot-on answers already, and I'll add another element to the mix. Immediately following the break up, and for perhaps several months after, the dumper will feel a sense of relief and escape from that 'slow death' pain incurred during the relationship. It's not that they're done with the pain, but distracted from it by justifications and the cognitive distortions of focus on the negative aspects of the relationship (exactly the opposite of what the dumpee is doing). Often, the pain associated with separation anxiety and positive nostalgia returns after the resentments and avoidance subsides (or the rebound fails). It's kind of an inadvertent leap frog over the dumpees pain.

 

This isn't set in stone, but I've seen it and experienced it enough to know it happens.

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Spot-on answers already, and I'll add another element to the mix. Immediately following the break up, and for perhaps several months after, the dumper will feel a sense of relief and escape from that 'slow death' pain incurred during the relationship. It's not that they're done with the pain, but distracted from it by justifications and the cognitive distortions of focus on the negative aspects of the relationship (exactly the opposite of what the dumpee is doing). Often, the pain associated with separation anxiety and positive nostalgia returns after the resentments and avoidance subsides (or the rebound fails). It's kind of an inadvertent leap frog over the dumpees pain.

 

This isn't set in stone, but I've seen it and experienced it enough to know it happens.

 

Excellent point. Because a dumper is so focused on the negative aspects of the relationship and full of resentment (hence the reason they are leaving) their pain from the break up (often much less severe than experienced by dumpee) will follow later when they are over the immediate feelings of resentment and negativity and go back to acknowledge the good things about the person they dumped. In fact, often times this is exactly the reason we see so many posts on here about people getting dumped and then the dumper runs back a few months later begging to take them back. They leave the person because they are so focused and absorbed by the negative aspects of the relationship that they completely forget the good and given time to cool off and re-evaluate things over time they learn that perhaps they good did out weigh the bad but often times this is too late.

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Spot-on answers already, and I'll add another element to the mix. Immediately following the break up, and for perhaps several months after, the dumper will feel a sense of relief and escape from that 'slow death' pain incurred during the relationship. It's not that they're done with the pain, but distracted from it by justifications and the cognitive distortions of focus on the negative aspects of the relationship (exactly the opposite of what the dumpee is doing). Often, the pain associated with separation anxiety and positive nostalgia returns after the resentments and avoidance subsides (or the rebound fails). It's kind of an inadvertent leap frog over the dumpees pain.

 

This isn't set in stone, but I've seen it and experienced it enough to know it happens.

 

We all live in hope! I would love to be big enough to say I want only happiness for my ex in the future, but I don't feel that way. I know the new guy won't spoil her as I did, and almost certainly wont love her and tend to her the way I did.

 

I hope she regrets losing me someday. I wont ever speak to her again to find out, but I hope it dawns on her.

 

I do think every time they have a big argument with the new flame, they would think about what they lost, unless they have a large assortment of friends to distract them in those times. She didn't. I still thought about the girl before my ex for a solid 12-18 months after we started going out, wondering if I was with the girl I actually wanted to be with.

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I remember talking to a mutual friend about my breakup...after venting a big, he replied "this isnt easy for her either you know"...being in the state I was in I replied "yeah I know I think about her more then I think about myself"....Now I would bet 1035893958 dollars that she is not even CLOSE to the amount of pain im in, and the pain ive gone through...pft.

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Well, it wouldn't be reasonable to say that they do not feel pain at all and they are out there happier than ever because, after all, we do not know what they are thinking.

 

However, I find myself asking this question so often too. They say that the first love is the toughest to get over, but my ex seems to be feeling no pain after being together for four years. Again, I am just assuming.

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I sure hope so.

 

I think I knew mine enough to say she isn't a hollow person...and before she decided she "needed some time," she really did love me. I was her first worthwhile relationship, as she was mine.

 

I half expect to see her posting melancholy facebook statuses, etc....but she doesn't, and it's things like that which make me think she's just fine. I think we often only have superficial things to go on when we try to see if they are hurting too...again, unless she's just a horrible person, I don't think she has just up and gotten over me. If there is another guy, I'd be mighty surprised...she isn't the type to do that.

 

Anyhow...in my case, I really think she has so much crap going on in her life that she is just indifferent, maybe feeling the occasional twang of guilt/pain/loss when she sees something that reminds her of me...whether or not she comes back is really up to her, I have to treat it like she isn't. And if she does, we're going to have a long conversation.

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I think it changes on a case to case basis and certainly depends on the reason for the breakup. In my case I don't think my ex really ever felt pain in regards to the breakup.. maybe that's just cynical. However, knowing her the way I do, I am fairly confident the pain was never there. Her interest just plain drifted away from me. When she ended things she mentioned that she just wasn't in love. We had a long distance relationship and she mentioned that she never thought of me until I'd make my daily call. Then one day she was driving in her car on a long trip and she realized her love was gone. So she ended it and has appeared happy ever since. She may have felt some guilt, but nothing beyond that in my opinion. I think she keeps herself busy enough and has enough friends to never really think about it. It didn't take her long to start dating someone new in her circle of friends and she appears to be doing fantastic with the new person. Anytime we talked afterward, she seemed extremely indifferent and callous. I'd like to believe there was more to it than that and that she did care in the slightest way, but I honestly don't think she did or does.

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Thank you for reviving this thread - I needed it. I was thinking of sending a present to my ex in January for her birthday, but this has really got my feet back on the ground. Why would I contact someone who treated me horribly at the end? Stuff her, I will keep my respect.

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Most dumpers build emotional walls around themselves and mentally re-write the relationship history to justify and rationalize what they are doing. They also tend to go into a period of hyper activity. Always being on the go, avoiding places that they spent time with their ex, using a new person as a rebound or having multiple sexual partners, etc. This is so they don't have to think about what they are doing and putting their ex through. As long as they are having fun and on the go they don't have to deal with their own issues, which is what made them leave in the first place.

 

In my experience, 95% of the time there is a third party involved. When that happens they dumper knows that what they are doing is wrong and so they have to make their ex into a monster so other people will focus on that instead of their lying and cheating. It's not unusual for them to start to hate their ex because they have to live the lies they tell.

 

It's only later in their life that they will start to admit that the relationship and their ex wasn't that bad. Most would rather take a butt whipping than admit it to their ex though. It's a combination of pride, ego and guilt.

 

I've been a dumper and I went through and felt all of that. I can now admit that I was wrong and shouldn't have done what I did, but in my case it's too late to try to make amends.

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fantastic input. I do believe that, in an early stage, dumpers feel a lot of relieve. the pain may come later in a form of regret if things are not going as good as they hopped. And probably even more if they feel that the dumpee has moved already.

 

There are a lot of factors that come into play too. The pain may never come if they have found someone else already.

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There are a lot of factors that come into play too. The pain may never come if they have found someone else already.

 

But that is just a distraction from the pain they are feeling in the first place. Unless they are the type who cannot leave a relationship without having someone else waiting then they will be alone at some point, and all the pain and hurt they never dealt with WILL be there. Think of it like having an open wound and never doing anything about it. Sooner or later you will have to deal with it even if you don't want to.

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But that is just a distraction from the pain they are feeling in the first place. Unless they are the type who cannot leave a relationship without having someone else waiting then they will be alone at some point, and all the pain and hurt they never dealt with WILL be there. Think of it like having an open wound and never doing anything about it. Sooner or later you will have to deal with it even if you don't want to.

 

So, you think that sooner or later they will have to deal with the break up?

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So, you think that sooner or later they will have to deal with the break up?

 

I know I did. And every person I've talked to, male or female, who makes a habit of dumping people has said the same thing. Sure, there might be a handful of people who will never have to deal with fallout from this, but I honestly think they are a small minority.

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My ex was on the phone to me about 6 weeks ago crying. She broke up with me 8 months ago. So yes they do feel pain. Some times even though the dumpers may not want to break up, they are strong enough to acknowledge that breaking up is just the right thing to do. I have full respect for my ex for being strong where I wasn't, because breaking up was the best thing for us, but leaving me nearly killed her and 8 months later, I know she is still feeling the pain, as am I.

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This might sound bad, but I wish my ex could show a little bit of pain for the break up. don't get me wrong, I dont wish him any harm... but it just makes me feel like I am very easy to forget when he had just moved on to the next girl after being with me for 4 years.

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This might sound bad, but I wish my ex could show a little bit of pain for the break up. don't get me wrong, I dont wish him any harm... but it just makes me feel like I am very easy to forget when he had just moved on to the next girl after being with me for 4 years.

 

No, it is perfectly normal to feel that way. dont feel bad about it.

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