Why do I have to have the final say? Why shouldn't I have the final say?

I am not even sure what I am breaking up from, but all I know is I've invested three years and my heart and soul in TRYING to make SOMETHING work with this person. Well, this is the end and I just don't want to fade quietly away - conveniently for him - without having the last word.

I can't pin him down to ANYTHING and am tired of just being a normal person who is willing to be friends, more than friends, whatever - as long as he is just consistent and a reasonable and kind human being. I throw in the towel. I told him I want to sit down and talk with him and he more or less blew me off. I bought him a cell phone so we could talk and not involve his work situation. I don't know his address where he lives. My last choice is to send him a confidential letter priority mail where he works. I am considering it. For some reason I just refuse to be treated like crap without saying anything....he is always so elusive and it's set up that I have no control over anything. I want a teeny, tiny bit of control in this whole thing, even if it means I never hear a word back from him. Does anyone get this and do you support me?

I understand your feelings perfectly and I can assure you that you will never get satisfaction from outside yourself. What will bring you peace is accepting that what you wanted to be a real relationship simply wasn't.

 

I can't pin him down to ANYTHING and am tired of just being a normal person who is willing to be friends, more than friends, whatever - as long as he is just consistent and a reasonable and kind human being.

You cannot force, cajole, or order someone to be consistent, reasonable, or kind. Frankly, I think your idea of a registered letter to his work is a bad one. You will put all this effort into writing it, sending it off, and most likely he will continue exactly as he has been- he will contact you when HE wants, at his convenience, without a thought to your feelings. Stop beating your head against a wall and let this go.

Are you ina a relationship with someone and you don't know ehere he lives?

You cannot force, cajole, or order someone to be consistent, reasonable, or kind. Frankly, I think your idea of a registered letter to his work is a bad one. You will put all this effort into writing it, sending it off, and most likely he will continue exactly as he has been- he will contact you when HE wants, at his convenience, without a thought to your feelings. Stop beating your head against a wall and let this go.

Hey, registered is a good idea. I hadn't thought of that - but good idea. Thanks! Actually, I think I'll do that. I just got off the phone with him where of course he blamed everything on me and hung up on me, as he can't own anything in anything. Well, I think I'll just box up that Viagra and cell phone I bought for him and send it to his office. Oh, get this - when I asked him what to do with the Viagra he said "maybe I'll have a chance to use it with someone else." The PIG!!! Oh, and as this is the final, final, I don't care whether he ever contacts me again. I am already in the process of typing up 40 incidents I am sure he has forgotten in which he was a creep. I'll include that as well.

I'm not really sure I am understanding what is going on here. Are you together or not?

I'm not really sure I am understanding what is going on here. Are you together or not?

At any rate, here is my final farewell to him...

"Dearest X,

You just hung up on me and told me maybe I’ll have a chance to use the Viagra I purchased for YOU with SOMEONE ELSE?! How dare you blame all of what has happened between us on me and my issues! Here’s a news flash…there is a reason you are 57 and never been married with zero visitation with your daughter…and it has nothing to do with ME!!!

Now, as much as I am loathe to send this to your workplace, you give me no alternative. I’ve invested three years of my heart and soul in knowing you and I won’t walk away like one of your other bimbos without speaking my mind. Additionally, enclosed is a reminder of what I’ve had to overcome in an attempt to even TRY to be a friend to you again. Furthermore, I don’t have the inclination to see you in person but thought I would give you some concrete reminders of all of the things you fail to deliver – a normal relationship. Look in the mirror, ok?"

Arghh, I am so incredibly pissed right now. This is a guy who flip flops every other day, talks about other women, etc. I am so angry right now I just don't see me not doing this!!!!

He could've been upset that you weren't having sex with him, and saying "well, since I can't really use this viagra with you, I guess I'll use it with other women so that it doesn't go to waste"

Regardless, trying to yell at him and get the final word is not a good idea, you just come off as a compulsive emotionally unstable control freak. I know you don't care about him seeing you that way, but what about how you will see yourself?

He could've been upset that you weren't having sex with him, and saying "well, since I can't really use this viagra with you, I guess I'll use it with other women so that it doesn't go to waste"

 

Regardless, trying to yell at him and get the final word is not a good idea, you just come off as a compulsive emotionally unstable control freak. I know you don't care about him seeing you that way, but what about how you will see yourself?

I'll see myself as not his victim. I've been typing this up in Word, and I'll be sharing this with him. Here is a partial list of what I have had to try to overlook in getting to know him again...BTW, no need to even READ it, just look at the space consumed...

1. He’s lied to me on several occasions – the Easter incident (06), the birthday call incident, the stand up incident most recently. Duh, I can check cell phone records online.

2. The time he accused me of calling his roommate, despite the fact I gave him authorization to double check TMobile call records. Instead, he defended his roommate even after I’d sent him printouts.

3. All the holidays without him

4. Labor Day – call at midnight with probably another lie and then when I call him the next day he sternly tells me he’ll call me back after he’s done with lunch.

5. Did not call me on my birthday and when I called him he hung up on me.

6. Early on did not even bother to call me on a Saturday night when we had plans. I had to call him at 8 and then he called me back at 9:45 saying he was sick. He could have called me to cancel.

7. 7/7/07 – we had plans to go out and he called me at 8 saying he was sick. Said he had taken antibiotics he was so sick. The next day when I mentioned the antibiotics he said he didn’t know where I got that idea.

8. August 27 when he berated me for taking too long to make breakfast while he helped with the yard. I hadn’t had a drink or cigarette for six weeks. This toppled that.

9. That Saturday night I was so sick and he picked a fight after one hour – when 8 hours earlier he told me he’d come over and take care of me.

10. Didn’t see him for two months 8/27 until the end of October – asked me to be patient in September. Why?

11. All the times he hung up on me and called me an idiot.

12. Forbidden dinner topic. When he threw the pet snacks hard at my newly installed dishwasher because I mentioned what he had said earlier in the day – we might go out to dinner.

13. All of the times he told me my feelings are ridiculous, I am just bipolar, in spite of the fact he flip flops every two or three days for no reason.

14. The time he accused me of stealing the ring I’d given him and called me an effing lying sack of * * * * and proceeded to call me constantly during the morning telling me it had better turn up, only to tell me the next night he’d found it in his pocket and then hung up on me again when I took issue with this.

15. Very first date told me I was selfish when I jokingly commented I knew where I stood in the “Suns” pecking order.

16. New Year’s Eve – cell phone weirdness, probably intentional in order to leave.

17. Lied about his age – would never let me see his driver’s license.

18. Sex? Hah!

19. Never been to his house. Refused to let me come over. Never invited me.

20. Answering machine anomalies.

21. Mind games. What did you say two sentences ago? Said I forget everything and that nothing sticks.

22. Constant references to female coworkers.

23. Walked out on me on Valentine’s Day.

24. Never really let me into his real life.

25. Would never say he was sorry, instead I always owed him an apology.

26. Told me he’d rec’d negative feedback about me at the Christmas party yet refused to say what it was. Accused me of having more to drink than I actually had.

27. Costco incident -

I don't really get what you meant about sex. How long have you been together?

Welll you could cuss him out via email and move on with your life.

I would.

Looking at that list...ask yourself, why would you even allow him in your mental space?

You cannot force, cajole, or order someone to be consistent, reasonable, or kind. Frankly, I think your idea of a registered letter to his work is a bad one. You will put all this effort into writing it, sending it off, and most likely he will continue exactly as he has been- he will contact you when HE wants, at his convenience, without a thought to your feelings. Stop beating your head against a wall and let this go.

She doesn't want a response from him or expect him to change...she just wants to tell him about himself.

I would lay it out and tell that person what an a-hole they are , have a good day and walk out of their life for good.

The problem is when you waste your tim writing emails expecting change or a response or them wanting you back. She doesn't want that. She just wants the last word. Emailing him and cussing him out IS having the last word.

And sometimes some ppl do need to hear about themselves. No dignity lost for her in that. She can do it tastefully while showing what an a$$ he has been. Losing dignity and wasting time is begging for change, a response etc. Just telling that person a piece of your mind can prove very therapeutic and take it off your chest so you an move forward...I can imagine how everything must be boiling up in her right now.

This guy's crime was that he was ambivalent towards you and gave you the run around. Been there, done that (on the receiving end). Your list shows ample evidence though that you were aware of this ages ago, so why are you so angry with him?

Sure, its best for people to be honest and direct about their intentions, but its a rare person who knows themselves that well or is that mature. We can't just EXPECT that kind of mature, direct behaviour from people...we have to seek it out in others, and reject those who dish out the opposite.

Really, I think you are angry at yourself for wasting your time. Take a lesson to read the signs earlier and walk away (and I'll be taking my own advice next time too). We can't control how others behave towards us but we can control how we react.

If you really want to cuss him out though, I would go with something brief and pithy...he won't be bothered to read a long diatribe. He probably already knows he's an *sshat but just doesn't care to do anything about it, and why should he, you (and probably a bunch of other women) put up with it..

No, this guys crime is he mentioned marriage twice and retiring together up North once and then told me we were soulmates six or so weeks ago. That doesn't sound like ambivalence. He sounds like he's a flake and a real jerk.

I'm sorry this happened to you another day...its a little different but I think I went through something similar. People can and do say all kinds of things and then not deliver. He sounds at the least very confused, probably not quite right in the head...at worst deliberately deceptive.

Did you cuss him out? Again, I would go with brevity, but that's just me..