My Girlfriends Past is Bothering me! Why?

I am little nervous telling you all this but Im hoping you can help me resolve my issue.

I met a girl about 7 months ago and we are in love. Things between us are incredible and I couldnt be happier with her. I have been in a number of long term relationships in the past including one that lasted 5 years and ended last year. She is also 3 years younger than me.

However, over the past 7 months I have obviously been learning alot about her past and subsequently her past partners. I have found out that she has been with 14 men before me. I have been with 4 before her. This really bothers me. She hasnt had a boyfriend in 3 years but has been dating alot. She says she never found the right person and never really cared for these guys. She is very reassuring in her love for me and makes me feel incredible! But I cant seem to get past her past.

She tells me that she wants to marry me and she has never felt love like this before and I feel the same. I know thats more than enough to feel confident with her. Dont get me wrong, I dont think she will cheat or leave me or anything. Its not a trust issue. Its me having a very hard time accepting her past.

This weekend we are going to a wedding where 2 guys she has been with will be there. Both are her brothers friends. One was a one night stand when she was younger and the other a weekend fling. I dont know how I am going to prepare myself for this. It is eating me up inside.

I really appreciate your advice. I know I am not being fair and that her past is in the past for a reason. How do I stop thinking about it?

I really appreciate your advice. I know I am not being fair and that her past is in the past for a reason. How do I stop thinking about it?

Realize that everyone has a past. Where she was before she was with you is irrelevant to a certain extent. It led her to you, maybe if she hadn't been with anyone before you, she wouldn't have been able to settle down.

I'm in the reverse situation, my girlfriend is a little curious about my past because she has been with few men while I've been with more women. She seems to think I've done everything before...but that's not what I'm thinking. I want to do everything with HER and the other girls are in the past and will stay in the past.

Hopefully, you'll realize she is with you, not one of her guys in the past.

Is it her values that are bothering you in the sense that she is quite comfortable having casual sex whereas you are not....or is it picturing what she did with those guys that is more bothersome to you? If the former then you have to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you if your values regarding sex is very different. If the latter however, and it is simply picturing herself naked and having sex with all those men...well, how is the mental image any different than the sex you had with your 4 other partners? The mechanics of the act are the same. While she had several penises in her vagina, you had your penis in several vaginas..while you fondled the breasts of other women, she had her breasts fondled by other men....while her body writhed in ecstasy with other men, your body writhed in ecstasy with other women. What you did with 4 other women is no different than what she did with 14 other men...the ONLY difference is the number and the context. So you have to decide if it is the fact that she has no problem getting naked and groiny in a casual context which is different from your values..or if it is simply the mental image of her having sex with others...no different from the mental image of you having sex with others.

I have found out that she has been with 14 men before me.

First, this isn't really bad IMO

Second, how did you find out? I assume you asked her or actively sought that information out? Why did you do that?

I don't understand the mentality behind asking questions you don't want to know the answer to.

What's done is done...you either have to accept it, or if you can't, break up with her and learn something from this.

forgive her, even thought its hypocritical. You will fell better. and don't tell her that you forgive her cause she will get mad, there is nothing to forgive, but in doing this you will feel better.

Well, maybe try getting out the sorts of thoughts that run through your mind about this. Uncensored.

It might be something bothering you that you can easily accept, but it's just hard to get the thoughts out in the first place because you feel a bit bad or guilty for even thinking them (because you love her after all).

For instance, these guys you will be seeing at the wedding. What are you worried about there?

Do you think or see her different now that you have this info?

I can completely understand why having 14 partners would bother you, when you've only had 4.

Her values don't match yours. Most of hers were probably casual sex or one-nighters, while yours were probably solid relationships.

The important thing to remember is that she was honest about it with you. She could've easily knocked down the numbers to make you feel more comfortable, but she was honest & wanted you to accept her for who she is.

If she's a trustworthy person, & if you feel that she loves you, then just let go of the past & try to focus on the future.

How to stop thinking about it?

Everytime you catch yourself getting upset over it, stop & think, "at least she had the decency to be honest with me". You should value that above anything else.

Have you guys been checked for STDs together? Having 14 partners (mostly casual) requires a test. Just for your safety, and hers, both of you go together & get checked.

Telling it like it is, aye CAD. That's what I like about you. Although the graphics did give me cause to block a few mental pictures of my own...yeesh!

How old are you guys? I don't think 4 and 14 are necessarily off of the same page. You have been in LTR's, and she hasn't found the right guy. Maybe that guy is you? How lucky is that? Just shift your thinking.

As far as the wedding, I've been in this situation at least a hundred times. Don't let it bother you. She's with YOU now. Nothing else matters. Shift your thinking. Using CAD's example, so these other guys have seen your GF naked. So what? She next'ed them. They didn't size up to what she wanted in a partner. See? You're the winner here. Those other two guys are in the dust. Go to the wedding, rise above and put on a big smile, because you're the one walking around with the prize.

First, this isn't really bad IMO

 

He never mentioned her age. How can you make that call?

Thanks everyone.

My issue is that I think the guys she has been with are players or assholes. The kind of guys who are only looking for sex and thats it. They take woman to fancy restauarnats, get bottle service at clubs, etc. I know that sounds cheesy but she has told me stories of her and her friends and the things/places they have gone to or experienced. Not sexual things but more like ya ive been to that club (which is a VIP type club). I know these guys do not matter anymore. She has told me she was young (18-22) when alot of this happened. She is 23 now. She is very attractve and gets alot of attention and I know she was probably getting picked up by the wrong type of people. She even told me that these guys were all jokers.

I think its that I hate knowing these jokers got to experience something special with her. Its not so much the number she has been with but the type she has been with. She is different now and proves it to me over and over again and thats why I feel terrible that I cant stop thinking of her past partners. I know how guys talk and I hate knowing they can be talking about her like this.

When i see these guys this weekend, I know it will bother me. She has already told me she has to say hi to them, but thats it. She has no interest in hanging out with them. I really appreciate her for this. She is doing everything right to make me feel special and that I am the only one that matters. This is really my own fault and problem. I really want to stop fretting about her past.

Just to answer some of your questions. We have both been checked out and are ok. I do not see her differently but know that I would probbaly feel better if she was with less guys in a more meaningful relationship. Not all of her past partners were one-nighters. Many were 3-4 month relationships although she says she never considered them boyfriends. She had two 1 year boyfriends in her past.

THanks again guys for your imput and advice. I have taken something from each of your comments and it already feels like it is helping.

Telling it like it is, aye CAD. That's what I like about you. Although the graphics did give me cause to block a few mental pictures of my own...yeesh!

 

How old are you guys? I don't think 4 and 14 are necessarily off of the same page. You have been in LTR's, and she hasn't found the right guy. Maybe that guy is you? How lucky is that? Just shift your thinking.

This really made me smile. Great advice. I am 26 and she is 23. Ive had three relationships that were 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 years, and 5 years. So ive been with less woman. She tells me all the time that she feels so lucky to have found me and that I am the one she has been searching for. I think ill take your advice. I need to focus more on her words of finding me rather than her past.

She is very attractve and gets alot of attention and I know she was probably getting picked up by the wrong type of people. She even told me that these guys were all jokers.

 

I think its that I hate knowing these jokers got to experience something special with her. Its not so much the number she has been with but the type she has been with. She is different now and proves it to me over and over again and thats why I feel terrible that I cant stop thinking of her past partners. I know how guys talk and I hate knowing they can be talking about her like this.

She made the choices to be with those kind of men...also, if it was just empty sex they didn't really have her in any special way. What makes sex special are the feelings and intimate emotions that go along with having sex with someone you love. If anything, she should feel more intimidated by you because the sex you had with the four other women was more meaningful sex..you had feelings for those women at the time so your sex with them was indeed special at the time.

At any rate, if the guys are talking about her what can you really do about it. Nothing. You are with her now, not them...just like you are with her now, not your exs.

She made the choices to be with those kind of men...also, if it was just empty sex they didn't really have her in any special way. What makes sex special are the feelings and intimate emotions that go along with having sex with someone you love. If anything, she should feel more intimidated by you because the sex you had with the four other women was more meaningful sex..you had feelings for those women at the time so your sex with them was indeed special at the time.

 

At any rate, if the guys are talking about her what can you really do about it. Nothing. You are with her now, not them...just like you are with her now, not your exs.

Thanks Crazyaboutdogs. I like your point of view about meaningful sex. Perhaps her experiences were not special like what we have now. And she does tell me this. I feel like the more and more I read from you guys the more I am realizing how much good there is for me to focus on. Also, there is nothing I can do regarding her past talking about her. She is with me now and by choice! Thank you

Welcome to ENA,

CAD is right.

So 14 is to many? Exactly how many would be okay? 10? 6? As you can see these are just numbers. I know it bothers you as your mind recreates things you know nothing about. Our imagined minds can really ruin things if we let it.

The wedding will be fine. When any of this enters your thoughts just ask yourself this "what good will come from this thinking" answer "NOTHING" Think about how beautiful she is and relax.

Remember this: These 2 guys will be standing there thinking "man I wish I was still with her" as she dances, talks and looks deeply into the your eyes.

Lost

Thanks to Lost and Hurt and shuttlefish. You both are right. She is with me now. The past doesnt matter. There is no changing it and nothing I can do about it. It is really my mind that creates these terrible images of her past. And when I dont know I assume the worst which is aweful of me. I must say though that I took the opportunity yesterday to block out all images of the past. If they came up, I thought about the now and how happy she makes me feel right now. I also listened to her words and really took them in and felt how important I am to her.

I am so happy I shared this problem on ENA. This board has been a HUGE help. Although I know I wont be able to just flick a switch and feel different in one or two days, I have definitely received some great advice on here on how to alter my thinking and it is helping alot.

I will do my best to hold my head high and enjoy the wedding this Saturday. When I meet these guys, I will act like I know nothing and that it doesnt matter. Ill show them that I am her man and nothing is going to change that.

Thanks again everyone!

I am glad I could help. You actually had it within you the whole time. The imagined mind is cruel to us at times.

Have fun this weekend with your beautiful gf on your arm.

Lost

Canadian10,

I'm in the same situation as you. Been with my gf for 6 months now. This being a problem we both have, I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me how your relationship has been going with this issue. Are you guys still dating? Are your feelings under control? Are you happy in the relationship?

Appreciate it very much!

Everybody has a past and that makes them who they are. At least she was honest about her partners, she could have lied and said she's been with 4 guys and you wouldnt have known the difference. As long as she is with you then its all good.

Your a lucky person to hold the heart of an honest woman in your hands

canadian- it sounds like you are intimidated by the men she was with in the past and feel that you cannot 'measure up' in your eyes- then you fear she'll leave you for one of these guys some day who are better looking or have more money than you have to offer.

so if she says 'oh but i'm in love with you and never loved them" ok fine...we all say this...she's young so maybe that's true.

i'd give it a lot of time for you to work thru these feelings of inadequacies and for you to be sure that she in fact DOES love you...because for a woman- if she truly loves a man she will feel that what she has with you is far greater even if you look like elmer fudd and she's used to Brad Pitt...

ps- my ex gf told me how she'd only been with 3 men previously and was only with men sexually when she was in a relationship with them...

well first off- we had sex after the 3rd date so we were not 'together' when we had sex.

first time we had sex- she was giving bj and grabbed my hand to push her head down on me and control her movements...she appeared to be very experienced...she was very in control of her body and what she wanted sexually...

some time later she was like "i've only had 3 men in my life prior to you" unsolicited...

i did not ask her and i was fine with her answer...now i'd be hard pressed to believe based of her sexual process that she'd really only been with 3 men in her life...

but what does it matter?

i've been with more than my share of women and would never tell her how many.

then one day she found some pictures (right in the middle of her telling me she wanted me as her friend or nothing) of 6-7 women i'd been with in the year/half since my divorce...(i'd actually been wtih more than that)

she could not deal with this...