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Thread: 1 month into marriage... sex issues....

  1. #1

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    1 month into marriage... sex issues....

    I'll try to be as clear as I can. I've been married to my wife for 1 month at this point. We had a terrific honeymoon, but since we've been back, almost every day has been stressful.

    Sex has always been an issue for us, but its gotten really bad recently. The issue is that I don't want sex as much as she does, and that fact trickles down to other issues. Let me explain.

    I like sex, and I love having sex with my wife. She means everything to me, and I find her very attractive. However, I love steak, that doesn't mean I'm in the mood for it every single night for dinner. Sex has gotten to the point to me where it represents nothing but negativity and frustration. What happens is that we get home from work. And like any other human being, sometimes I'm tired after a long work day. Some times Im depressed from feeling locked into a job that I dislike, which often result in those bad days. Sometimes I'm tired since I like to talk to my wife when she gets home from work (late shift). She gets home just as Im falling asleep, which results in me just staying up a "bit" longer to spend time with her, which then results in a average of 5-6 hours sleep.... and Im definitely a 8-10 hour guy. And sometimes I just don't feel like it. I just want to lay down, maybe just cuddle with her and watch TV.

    However, she wants sex... every single day that we are together. And its not at "some point". Its always in the air, the moment we are together, its immediately being discussed. Always the hunted, never the hunter. (And I like being the hunter!) However, I have turned to disliking the thought of sex. This is because if Im not in the mood, and she comes on to me, we can go down three roads. First, Im not in the mood and gently make it clear Im not in the mood. This begins the "You hate me, the way I look, I dont care what you say, thats how it makes me feel" fight that goes on for at least the rest of the day, and can carry over for a week. Second, I can attempt to get myself into the mood. If I fail to get into the spirit of the moment, we go down the first road, maybe even worse so. And I usually fail, because Im so panicked that if I dont get in the mood, Im looking at least that day being completely stressful and ruined, if not days after that. I usually fail because Im worried of the results if I fail... not exactly thoughts that would get you in the mood. And third, Im able to get in the mood, it happens, and she is completely happy.

    She seems to believe that if she gets comfortable or makes a play, that despite what Im doing, how Im feeling, what mood Im in.... that I should immediately be able to switch gears and become Don Juan immediately, without hesitation. I view this as completely unrealistic. She views it as "Im a guy, if she is in the mood and comes on to me and Im not 100% completely ready and able to go, then I must find her repulsive".

    This has lead to her having low self-esteem. She's 5'8, 128 lbs., and thinks she completely fat. She weighs herself multiple times a day. She'll weigh her self 3 times each time she takes a bath(once with clothes on, once naked pre-shower, once more post-shower), once or twice in the morning, and usually before bed. With the scale in the bathroom, she sometimes checks after using the restroom. She never had these issue before "me and my sex drive". (and her saying that completely helps how I feel about sex). She blames me for this, and the whole thing makes her angry, in which said anger is taken out on me, and she's admitted this. She will attack me over absolutely nothing. She often tells me that Im stupid regarding the simplist things. This includes not knowing whether or not we need more milk or not from the store or when a particular event like a party is. Stuff thats easy not to remember the current status of, or when a particular date is, but I get attack for not knowing.

    Sex for me is "of the moment". That's where the excitement lies. Regards to her drive, its not "of the moment", its "the very moment we are around each other". There's nothing wrong with my wife wanting me, its a problem, but its good to feel wanted, so while I dont agree, I understand her wanting to feel wanted like that. Unforunately, I will never be like that.

    She now wants to go to counseling, which I will go to, because I love her and I really want this to work. However, I personally dont like feel like IM the problem. Yes, its a problem for us, and Im apart of us, but I also feel like my drive and view of sex is normal, and hers is not. She got upset with me last night because I wasnt feeling well, and wasnt in the mood, despite that in the past 4 days, we have had sex 3 times. While not exactly "bunny rabbit" numbers, I personally feels that pretty healthy.

    I dont know what Im asking, just wanted to air it out to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

  2. #2
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    So you'd say your sex drive is completely normal? whats your idea of normal? has she always had a high sex drive or is it since marriage?

    It could be that due to her low self esteem she desperately needs the sex to validate things between you, it really does sound like her way of knowing you want her. Maybe you're less affectiionate than you used to be? It could be she does'nt want to be a cliche, she may not want marriage to make your sex life drop like many claim.

    She also sounds like she has some serious issues over her weight that could escalate. The obsessive weighing and over the top reactions.

    She sounds very difficult to reason with but you should probably explain to her that as much as you want her, you're tired sometimes and she has to stop spitting her dummy any time you don't want sex. I think the longer you let her get her own way just because she gets mad, the more this could really break down and become full of resentment.

  3. #3

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    First - I just want to say you are both right, and both wrong.. but your wife isn't here, so you may feel like I'm attacking you - but I don't mean anything personally so bear with me.

    You are 1 month into marriage.. the honeymoon phase. You're supposed to have sex constantly, that's just how most people are. For this reason, your wife is right.

    There appears to be a sexual appetite mismatch between you two, as there are between a lot of couples. My wife and I seem to be the inverse of you two.. almost exactly - maybe a bit more extreme though. My wife wants sex every 3 days, and I'd like it 1-2 times a day.

    You feel upset and depressed at work? Know what I want to do when I feel that? Have sex .. to get a burst of joy, release aggression, and focus on something else. My point is, everyone is different, so its not simply that you are right and your wife is wrong.

    Your excuses, though, are valid. Depression, fatigue - sure, they can be reasons for lower sex drive. The key, however, is a willingness to do something about it. Tell your wife that (in the current situation) you are having trouble, but you are working to remedy it - maybe by finding another job, or having her work something out with her job so your schedules are better.

    While you can't necessarily change how your body functions (hormones, sexual response), you CAN change how your mind works. Maybe I can't understand due to my situation.. but although I imagine there are times when I couldn't physically have sex, I see no reason I couldn't do things to satisfy a woman pretty much as many times a day as she could ever want (assuming she's not demanding the specific things I can't do at the time). There are devices you can purchase to help you do this .

    Your willingness to go to counselling is great... its exactly the "mind" component I'm talking about. However, I would advise you to not go into it with the assumption that you are right and your wife is wrong.

    Oh, to explain your wife's self-image issue regarding this.. people seem to come to irrational conclusions when they are in this situation. When its the woman that isn't keeping up, I - and a lot of men - will start to think the wife is having an affair as a way to explain her unwillingness to have more sex. This is rarely true - but we fixate on it and it starts to fester, causing resentment and a lot more complications.

    One thing that I always consider when there is a sexual mismatch is the possible solution of letting the unsatisfied partner get some extra attention elsewhere. I mean, if I couldn't keep up with my wife, but I was comfortable that she loved me and that the relationship was otherwise solid, I would be fine with her going elsewhere for whatever she needs to make her happy. We only live once, and I wouldn't want to be the reason my wife - whom I love - is not as happy as possible. Maybe that's just me, though.

  4. #4
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    I agree, its your unwillingness to admit that their is a problem that needs changing. If you feel depressed and stressed perhaps see your doctor and a counsellor to try and imporve your state of mind. I recommend going to couselling with her.

    This is the problem sometimes, people marry expecting things to change, if you had these problems before you should have worked them out before getting married. Basically at the moment your sex drives are incompatible, at quite a high degree.

    She sees sex as an emotional bond that shows your desire to her and a connection. To me, sex is as much part of love as is breathing and being together. Its the deepest way to show affection and sex is a BIG part of a healthy relationship.

    I understand her eating problems and weight obsession ARE because she feels unwanted. she thinks that you dont want her because shes ugly or fat, she cant rationalise because being rejected is SO awful. I've bene there. It makes you feel so despondent and useless and hurt. She should maybe see a counselor or doctor herself before these problems escalate.

    Basically. There is a big problem that if you dont work on is going to possibly end this marriage because the more she goes on at you, the more oyu resent her and dont want sex, the more you dont want sex the more shes goes on at you. Its a vicious cycle

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member karvala's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BlueAfterglow08
    I agree, its your unwillingness to admit that their is a problem that needs changing. If you feel depressed and stressed perhaps see your doctor and a counsellor to try and imporve your state of mind. I recommend going to couselling with her.
    I can hardly believe I'm reading this. The number of threads I've seen on here where some poor guy comes along complaining that his wife won't have sex with him more than once a month, only to be told to be considerate and not expect it all the time, and here we now have a situation where the wife is complaining that he's only had sex with her three times in the past four days, and the response is "yeah, he's clearly got a problem; he needs to head off to see a doctor and a counselor and sort himself out"!!! What's with the double standard?

    If someone "only" wants sex three times in four days, whether man or woman, I hardly think it's fair to attack him for his unwillingness to admit that there is a problem. He's here, he knows there is a problem, but he is unwilling to admit that three times in four days is not abnormally little, and frankly I think he's right not to.

    Counselling for BOTH of them is fine, but I hope it explores ALL of the issues on both sides, not just the fastest way to get the poor guy a viagra prescription.

  7. #6
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    I agree with Karvala, he is here posting about this so he is clearly acknowleding there is a problem. But he should'nt just bow down to her because she throws hissy fits each time. Soon enough he'll be treading on eggshells constantly with her, doing it merely to avoid arguments and then the relationship is basically gonna suck.

    I also disagree with the honeymoon phase of a marriage means having sex all the time, you must be thinking of the beginning of relationships.

  8. #7
    Member nowhereman7's Avatar
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    I fear for you that she will cheat on you. People want and need sex, we are human animals. she will get it someplace if you don't deliver. I know it sounds harsh but such is life and the world. I think your main problem is that you are unhappy with your job and miserable. As my canadian friend said, " you only live once" so stop being a slave and live your life how you want it.

  9. #8
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    I think it's reasonable to expect a healthy amount of sex in a marriage, but nobody should be expected to just drop trou and perform on demand! You're not the Energizer bunny, for goshsakes, and it sounds like she's focusing on her needs without consideration for yours.

    The counseling seems like a good idea, because it will help her understand that she is part of the problem (which she seems to be in denial about). Especially given what you said here:

    "She will attack me over absolutely nothing. She often tells me that Im stupid regarding the simplist things."

    That's a lot bigger problem in a marriage than you wanting sex three times a week and her wanting it seven.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member PsychGirly's Avatar
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    Honestly, I can see why your different sex-drives would be an issue.

    However, for some reason, I don't think she wants to have sex everyday. It's obvious that she has confidence issues, which makes her feel insecure about herself, which makes her feel insecure about her relationship with you, which turns into "you're not attracted to me" when in reality, she just isn't happy with herself.

    She may be using sex simply for affirmation. She wants to prove to herself that she IS attractive, and you DO want her. When you seem like you're not in the mood, she translates that into "I was right...he hates me".

    This is probably the reason why she takes her anger out on you & attacks you over nothing.

    I do strongly recommend that you see a counselor, but don't make this about your sex life. Make sure you concentrate on her individual behavior, as well.

    Afterall, when someone's constantly nagging at you, calling you stupid, showing signs of her insecurity...I can see why it would affect your desire to have sex with her.

  11. #10
    Silver Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
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    THe OP said he thinks part of the problem might be with him being tired and stressed. A problem can be solved, and willingness to improve that aspect might help the rest of his relationship. That is all Im saying. THE OP also says towardst he end is he is unwilling to go to counselling because hes not sure there is a problem. Im merely saying it sounds like thier might be. Be it be him, her or both of them. To the OP you just need to work out a way to get over this together and try and compromise.

    She isnt acting very maturely about it no, but it sounds like its causing her deep found issues which are making her act like this.

    Also, Im commenting on this cos I know how it feels to be in her shoes, and if it was him wanting sex all the time and her not, I'd give the same advice.

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