Selfishness.

What would you guys think about this?

I was getting ready to live my girlfriend's place yesterday. It's a 2 hour drive home. I was thinking about something I could take to eat for the ride home, so I asked her to give me one of her protein bars. Looking down and with some hesitation, she said she didn't have any. I knew that wasn't true, because while I was cooking dinner the previous night, I saw a box of them while I was pulling stuff out of the fridge. I said, really, you don't? Then, she told me she did have them, but they were expensive. She then said I could have one.

It ticked me off that she lied about that, because I'm very generous with her. When we go out, I pay for pretty much everything. I don't ask her to pay, because she's in school full-time and not working. When I'm so generous with her though, it really bugs me that she would be like that with me. For me, it's not about her paying for stuff. It's the little things that count, and when she hold back like that on the little things, it makes not want to be so generous with her.

How can I get her to be less selfish?

Wow. Yeah, that's pretty selfish. Im not so sure you can change that about someone, but I would atleast tell her how it made you feel.

Even if she's tight on money, Id think she'd want to be a little accomidating being that you had such a long drive a head of you AND being that she's your girlfriend.

Is she frequently selfish? Do you possibly resent that you pay for everything?

I think she was being inconsiderate, but unless this happens all the time I wouldn't worry too much. Just tell her it hurt your feelings that she wasn't willing to share and that you feel she isn't putting in as much as you are.

Just talk to her, she won't know how you feel unless you tell her.

Maybe one time that she asks to go out, tell her you can't afford it. But don't be nasty about it. Just to make a point, so she knows that it works both ways.

i think she's just tight on money and is really wraped up in it. i know when i hung out with my super rich friends when i was younger and was really poor at the time, it bothered me when they ate/took my stuff. not because i was selfish, but because i was on a budget. when they took those things from me, they were taking away more than they realized. it wasn't JUST a bus ticket. i can only afford enough to go from and to school, etc... but they didn't understand that. the value of things are different from each perspective.

give what you give, but realize you give because you CAN. people on a budget CAN'T afford to give away things... so it's not really the same thing, at all. to her, it's probably a planned meal she's giving. to you, it's JUST a bar. get it?

so tbh, depending on how much of a budget she's on, i'd say you were the selfish one.

Too late now but what you should have done was to have politely thanked her for the bar and put five bucks on the counter to pay for it.

Interesting that she told you a lie.

Is it possible she has trouble finding these particular protein bars and is afraid of running out when she really needs one? Otherwise yes it does sound pretty selfish. A related question based on your previous threads - did you ask her specifically for a protein bar because you wanted to test her and see if she would give you one/tell you the truth about having enough to give you one? if so, she might have sensed or known that and reacted based on the "test".

As far as the lying goes, I seriously think she was just trying to get you to drop it. She was so obsessed about saving these precious bars she was willing to say anything. It's immature, but like pinkelephant said, it could really be her just panicking about her finances and not thinking about the big picture.

I buy expensive health food and sometimes get wayy too overprotective about it because I have a very low income.

She needs to think about the situation rationally and say "He helps me save money all the time. I can spare this stupid protein bar."

That is what I do.

Sounds like she's not too giving.

What happens if you REALLY need something. Do you think you can count on her?

It's not that I resent paying for everything. I love that I can do that for her. I just feel like when I do that all the time, I need a little reminder here and there that she appreciates what I am doing for her, which she does. She made dinner for me when I got there, and she made me a sandwich before I left that day. It was the lying part of it that bothered me more than anything.

Also, sometimes I wonder about her ability to not pay for stuff. When we were out this weekend, she bought herself some jewelery from this craft festival. We were hanging out with one of my friends, who brought us to this very trendy bar where the alcoholic drinks were pretty expensive. I didn't get anything when I saw the prices, but she got something and was going to pay for it herself.

I'm not trying to critique how she spends her money, but I can't help asking myself - if she's willing to buy herself jewelry and expensive drinks, why isn't she willing to pitch in more when we go out? This weekend, she didn't pay for anything we did when we went out. I think maybe she's just used to me doing it all the time, and that's when I start feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

How often does she make you dinner?

Can list any other nice things she does for you?

You are being taken advantage of.

All this stuff about the protein bars being expensive is nonsense. Even if they are you don't lie about it - you just say "of course, please take what you want". When people stay at my house anything in the fridge is there for the taking.

Bearing in mind your previous posts about this girl I think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship.

Is it possible she has trouble finding these particular protein bars and is afraid of running out when she really needs one? Otherwise yes it does sound pretty selfish. A related question based on your previous threads - did you ask her specifically for a protein bar because you wanted to test her and see if she would give you one/tell you the truth about having enough to give you one? if so, she might have sensed or known that and reacted based on the "test".

Nah, the reason why I asked for it is because I saw them in her fridge and like them. The other reason is because I don't like eating messy things in my car that will get crumbs and such everywhere. I'm a bit of a neat freak like that. I thought it would be something simple I could munch on during the long drive.

You are being taken advantage of.

 

All this stuff about the protein bars being expensive is nonsense. Even if they are you don't lie about it - you just say "of course, please take what you want". When people stay at my house anything in the fridge is there for the taking.

 

Bearing in mind your previous posts about this girl I think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship.

yea, I think this sums it up.

"When people stay at my house anything in the fridge is there for the taking."

That's why I hide certain things when my brother comes over.

You are being taken advantage of.

 

All this stuff about the protein bars being expensive is nonsense. Even if they are you don't lie about it - you just say "of course, please take what you want". When people stay at my house anything in the fridge is there for the taking.

 

Bearing in mind your previous posts about this girl I think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship.

I agree. I used to be friends with people like your girlfriend...always willing to accept freebies from others but didn't like when you asked her for anything. She was very very cheap when it came to offering friends any food and you were made to feel like she was doing you this huge favour. YOu can't teach these kind of people to change their ways...they are cheap when it comes to others and it will be an uphill battle because it will always be something. I would stop being her bank account all the time.

That makes perfect sense. I think you should flat out tell her this, if you haven't already.

And from everything else you have posted, I would feel curious about her ability to pay, too. In my case, I make very little money so I'm not rubbing it in my bf's face buying jewelry.

Stand up for yourself.

I can be like this on certain things, but I wouldn't be like that about a protein bar. I have become very much like that because I have been on a tight budget for about five years and rarely have any money. I have also lived alone all that time. Sometimes, it kills me spending money on other people (food etc.) but I'm getting better!

I have found that since I have been with my boyfriend I have less money to myself, but then I need to remember that he pays for a lot and has fed me so much food over the last 8 months, taken me places. etc. etc.

When you are always short on cash, you become very tight, without even meaning to and I think that when other people come along who have cash, they don't understand what they are taking from you. It means so much more to you.

However, I can see from an outsiders point of view that it is very selfish! Im glad Im getting better! lol

How often does she make you dinner?

Can list any other nice things she does for you?

She's made food for me a bunch of times. I can't remember how many exactly. When she made dinner for me a few days ago, I found it really thoughtful. She stayed up the night before cooking until after midnight, so it would be ready for me when I got there, because she was getting home around the time I would be getting in.

The last really nice thing she did for me was a few months ago - she ordered my favorite cake from this bakery that's pretty famous. The bake the cake and then overnight it to you in dry ice. I'm sure that wasn't cheap.

The reason why stuff like this scares me is because I don't want to wind up with a girl who only wants me for my money.

We've been together for 7 months now, and it's starting to get a little more serious. Last night when I got home, I called her up and she asked me if I wanted to meet her mother. I'm having doubts about doing that.

Well I think you should just talk to her about it. She probably doesnt realise how much this bothered you. Tell her that you know she lied and it bothered you. Tell her that's unacceptable. Don't let her walk all over you. She will have more respect for you. If she then argues, then hold off meeting her parents, make an excuse and don't go.

She sounds fairly selfish. The lying would bother me too and the reluctance to give you something as simple as a protein bar when you pay for stuff for her all the time.

She is taking complete advantage like DN said, enjoying hte benefits of your money without giving anything back.

Im probably less well off than my guy but I pride myself in my independence, as in, I will pay for my share of my meal, and if he offers to pay I'll pay. sometimes I accept his offer to pay but then I'll buy him a present to say thank you.

Relationships should be balanced, give and take.

so tbh, depending on how much of a budget she's on, i'd say you were the selfish one.

I feel like it's pretty unfair of you to say that I'm being selfish. A power bar costs what - $1.50? Is it really unfair of me to ask for a candy bar when in the past month, I've easily spent a few hundred dollars on our outings?

I feel like it's pretty unfair of you to say that I'm being selfish. A power bar costs what - $1.50? Is it really unfair of me to ask for a candy bar when in the past month, I've easily spent a few hundred dollars on our outings?

well i wrote a long post explaining why i'd say that. i was under the impression that she was on a budget and does not work - so does not have an income... (which means everything bought is planned/set). as said in your OP. but later in the thread, you said she does go out and spend quite a bit of money on herself, so my comment is irrelevant.

power bars cost like 5 bucks here with tax and all. idk, 5 bucks was a lot to me back when i was in a financial bind.

I think this is one to overlook and that you're making too big a deal out of it.

It's a candy bar, you could have easily stopped for one.

If these bars come in boxes and she has a certain amount to last her until she next had some money, then I totally understand, you're looking at quite a few $$$ to get another box of them.

She didn't come clean straight away because she obviously felt like she was being mean. If she was being selfish she'd have just said 'no you can't have one' right out.

I think this is one to overlook and that you're making too big a deal out of it.

 

It's a candy bar, you could have easily stopped for one.

 

If these bars come in boxes and she has a certain amount to last her until she next had some money, then I totally understand, you're looking at quite a few $$$ to get another box of them.

 

She didn't come clean straight away because she obviously felt like she was being mean. If she was being selfish she'd have just said 'no you can't have one' right out.

said it much better than i had!

also, if she was using you, she'd be much more sly. trust me, i would know. my step mother is a gold diggah.

Nah, the reason why I asked for it is because I saw them in her fridge and like them. The other reason is because I don't like eating messy things in my car that will get crumbs and such everywhere. I'm a bit of a neat freak like that. I thought it would be something simple I could munch on during the long drive.

I completely understand and would ask for exactly the same kind of snack. Was just checking. I agree that this was selfish behavior and the lie makes it worse. Edited to add I would understand if it was her last bar and she needed them for school/for her health and it would take awhile to get another supply. But then I bet NPG would have insisted on not taking one. Also wanted to add that I think generosity with food is very important because it reflects general generosity. i understand she made him dinner - which is very nice - but like DN said it should be an open refrigerator policy.