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Thread: Rebound relationship from dumper's POV

  1. #1
    tink0688
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    Rebound relationship from dumper's POV

    So from reading a lot of the other threads it seems like girls, especially the dumpees, are the ones to get into rebound relationships right after a breakup. But what about guys who are also the dumpers? You can read my story called "ex-bf in long distance rebound relationship"...if you want to post there too it would be greatly appreciated!

    Basically, my bf and I were together for 3.5 years. We broke up and started dating someone 3 days later. They are now in a relationship, but less than 2 months from when they started dating the rebound girl moved away for the summer.

    From the dumpers point of view, it makes no sense at all (in my opinion). Especially when one of the reasons he gave was to be single and see what else is out there. I see his actions as being disrespectful to the relationship, or am i off here?

    I guess I just want to see what people think of this new relationship. Why would a dumper get into a rebound relationship? On top of that, why a long distance one? It seems like people say that it could be love and not to count on the rebound relationship not working cuz what if they get married, but we are talking about 21 year olds here....If anyone reading this has been in a rebound relationship, do you get into it consciously knowing its probably a temporary fix? Also, from the rebound girl's point of view, why would she date a guy who just got out of a 3 and a half year relationship? From what I know, it seems like she was the one who went after him, but they barely knew each other before. I know I would never ever do that. It just seems desperate and needy and has no consideration for other people's feelings...Ugh, I hope this doesn't last long...

  2. #2
    atelis
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    This is just my personal opinion, but...........i think a lot of people get into LDR's because they fear commitment. An LDR gives people the chance to be romantic and say i love you's and basically feel all the wonderful feelings associated with being in a relationship. However, the chances of an LDR working are slim and i think on a sub conscious level, those who get into them are basically hiding behind their own commitment fears. There are obviously exceptions and LDR's that do work where the parties are committed, but they are the exception and not the rule.

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    tink0688
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    Ya that makes sense. He just wants to feeling of having someone who cares about him without being completely obligated....it's just confusing cuz after our first year together in high school, we went long distance for our first 2 years of college. He always said that he didn't regret getting into a LDR but would never recommend that anyone doing what we did...hmm....

    Do you think he is using the 3 months apart to do the healing that he never did when we broke up...so then he is ready for a real relationship when she comes back? At first I thought the distance would work against them since they have only known each other for a month and a half before they went long distance, but now it might be working in their favor.

  4. #4
    atelis
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    if it is a pattern in his relationships behaviour, then it suggests there are deeper issues there for him than just luck. He is obviously choosing to get involved in situations that become 'difficult' whether that be LDR or some other reason. When he himself suggested that he wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but yet he still does it, it suggests that his sub conscious fear of commitment is overuling his conscious mind.

    A friend of mine who had two long term relationships with women who had kids said to me 'whatever you do, don't get involved in a relationship with someone who already has children, it's just too difficult'. His relationship broke up and he told me he would never date another woman with kids. 6 months later he met another woman with two kids and got married.

    and yes i do think it's a rebound

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    90_hour_sleep
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    i get the impression that people who are likely to rebound do so out of an addictive need for connection. it's probably a big part of the reason they leave in the first place. they need that intense connection that happens when people first get together. when a relationship begins to evolve into something less exciting...they begin to look for that intensity...wherever it may come from (another person, maybe). i don't think it corresponds to a conscious decision.

    this kind of explains why the majority of rebounds don't tend to last. the lack of intensity is a normal part of any relationship that progresses beyond the initial stages of attraction. so, it's bound to happen again...especially when proper healing hasn't been taken advantage of.

    i've encountered many serial rebounders. they float from relationship to relationship...always seeking salvation in the next one. they are some of the most empty and alone individuals i've ever met.

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    tink0688
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    Yes, this is all making sense. He is kinda a mommas boy so he is sorta needy in that way. Even though I wasn't expecting the break up, he did mention that we were losing that "honeymoon" feeling and he wanted to feel that way again. I thought after 3.5 years he would have realized that that feeling goes away and I explained that its normal for it to go away. It doesn't mean you don't love each other any less.

    I hope he realizes that this girl is not a good person (at least I don't think she is). I saw her facebook and the first time they hung out (3 days after our breakup) was when she took him to her sorority formal event as her date. Her status that day was "journeys end in lovers beginning." The day after the formal she wrote that she was "smiling about fate- everything happens for a reason." Correct me if I am wrong here but that is just flat out mean. I don't know why anyone would be happy knowing they are making someone else die inside. I don't know her but I think it is so b*tchy to post something like that on facebook for everyone to see. It is disrespectful to her new boyfriend's past relationship, and if she really loved him the way she says she does then she should respect his past. He is the man he is today because of me! Aghh! Sorry for my venting, but I hope he sees that she is mean, rude, and selfish! It sucks that he is blinded by his "love" for her.

  7. #7
    atelis
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    it's just that initial chemistry and lust that they are acting on. It's new and shiny for them both, but it sounds like your ex has a lot of maturing to do. He doesn't seem to be terribly aware of his emotions, whereas you sound very emotionally mature and you will move on from this. It is likely he will make contact with you again at some point in the future when the new relationship fizzles out, but i'm sure you will probably be past your ex by then

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    tink0688
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    thanks atelis! you have a lot of good insight and was wondering if you could read my other thread if you don't mind. It has the story there in some more detail and I'm just so confused about the whole wanting him back/NC/long distance rebound thing going on. I was having trouble posting the url but I think you can find it from my profile or its listed under this same category called "ex-bf in long distance rebound." I'd appreciate if you could help me out some more cuz I think you have a lot of good things to say, but of course you don't have to cuz the other one is longer.

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    tink0688
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    I wish I could be happy for him because I love him very much, but I just can't. I hate how it happened 3 days after we broke up. I hate the things rebound girl posted on facebook. I keep telling myself that it is just a rebound and he will realize what he left. I hope this doesn't last, but I'm scared it will. From her facebook this girl is seriously obsessed with him (I don't even want to get started on that) and I think he likes that attention he is getting from her. But at the same time she is far away so he has a chance to live a "single life" by not being totally obligated to her. By the time they start school again he will be ready to dedicate all his time to her. I dont know! That is my theory, but I hope I am wrong...

  10. #10
    uhohlala
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    Quote Originally Posted by tink0688 [Register to see the link]
    I hate the things rebound girl posted on facebook.
    I can see why reading those things on her Facebook page would be upsetting to you, but you shouldn't assume they were intended to get back to you, or even intended as commentary on your relationship with your ex. I mean, it's possible she was trying to dig at you I guess, but what seems more likely to me is that those messages were intended for someone from her recent past -- her ex, a guy she'd been crushing on, whatever. Are you even her Facebook friend? If not ... why assume that you were meant to see the posts?

    But of course you're totally going to feel hostile towards her -- I completely understand. No point in trying to fight it, and I agree with those who guess that they won't last.

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