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Ex-BF in a long distance rebound relationship...what should i do?


tink0688

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Hey everyone! I'm new to this site and so far all of the advice from other threads as been really helpful, but I still don't know what to do because I'm in a uncommon situation...(I will try to keep it as short as I can)

 

My (ex)boyfriend and I were together for 3 and a half years and he broke up with me about 3 months ago. He still says he loves and cares for me, but is not "in love" with me. I didn't contact him for 3 weeks hoping that this would give him enough time to miss me. We met up a little after that and had a good time together. We both got a little choked up seeing each other too. At that point, I had hope that I could get him back.

 

A week later he told me he started dating someone, and after that point I started to go into serious depression. We still remained in contact, and when we met up again in the middle of May he told me that the "other girl" went away for the summer since she lives in another state. He said that they still talk, but it was a "we will see" situation.

 

My depression continued to get worse because the more I talked to him, the more I realized his stories weren't adding up. I got curious and found her facebook, only do find out that they officially were in a relationship. They started dating 3 days after we broke up when she asked him to her sorority formal (when he told me they didn't start hanging out until a month after we broke up). She already stayed as his house and met his family, and he also commented to her saying he loved her. I confronted him about all of his lies, but he said he did it to protect me (which I'm not sure...I think he might have been trying to protect himself). I know he is planning on visiting her for a weekend in about a month.

 

I've tried explaining to him that I feel that he disrespected me and our relationship by only waiting 3 days to date someone. He admits that he went into it way too fast, but he is happy how he is now. However, I don't know if he is truly happy because I think he is just using her to get over the breakup. I've done a lot of research on the psychology behind rebound relationships and have found out that they are really not healthy. I've tried talking to him about it a little, but he think I am just trying to control his life. Part of me thinks I should show him the articles or try to talk to his best friend so he can get a different perspective. I know I can't tell him what to do, but if he got the information from another source maybe he will realize on his own that its not good for him (or anyone for that matter) to be in his new relationship.

 

The other thing I am confused about is how I should proceed from here. I was reading another thread about using reverse psychology when it comes to rebound relationships. It logic makes sense to have no contact, but should I still do this when his new girlfriend lives on the other side of the country for the next couple of months? I don't know if I should take advantage of this and try to hang out with him more, since she has the "out of sight, out of mind" disadvantage. This summer I want to live my own life and do things for myself, but I am still so in love with him. We have been best friends for the past 3 years, so I can't imagine a life without him, even as just a friend. But ultimately I want to get him back....Any advice would be helpful...Thanks!

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First of all you are all depressed about a relationship that is on the phone, and internet. Second, not all rebounds are rebounds. I thought my ex wife was in a rebound until she married the guy. It was only after I realized how much time had passed between when we truly existed as a couple and when she meet him that I figured out that it wasnt a rebound, she had disengaged from me a long time before.

 

I know it seems hard, but you have to let go and not focus on what his relationship is. It seems like he isnt even sure what it is. But finally, you have to just put it a side and do whats best. Nothing. Because if you do nothing, you can do nothing wrong. So yes, go No Contact. But not for him for you.

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Bottom line, he broke up with you. If you want to heal, you should go no contact and stop concerning yourself with what he's doing.

 

+1

 

I know it can be very hard, I've gone NC to the point where I don't even visit mutual friends.

 

I've decided to vasnish off the face of the Earth so to speak.

She hurt me very badly and will take time for me to heal.

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I'm in sort of the same situation! We dated for 3 years, then he started going out with another girl long distance relationship 2 weeks after our break up. He also tried to keep her a secret from me, which actually made me even madder because then I felt like my dignity was gone since he "pitied" me. Except in this case, she is on the opposite side of the world, instead of another state. 12 hour difference, I don't even know how they have time to talk when they both work.

 

I agree with the above posts--most likely it won't work out because 1. it is a rebound and 2. Distance always takes a toll eventually. However, I always say to expect the worst. Let him go to prepare yourself for a worst case scenario--what if they get married? And take this time to heal, and perhaps you'll meet the right person for you in the process, who is CLOSE BY haha. If you really loved him, you have to let him go because you want him to be happy right? I had to tell myself that this was the greatest kind of love. If he ever does miss me, he will come back and find me, until then, I cannot wait for him. I had to take about 4-5 months NC away, and we only recently started talking, but even now it is only online about once 2-3 weeks.

 

So just take some time for yourself to learn how to be independent again, since for me anyway, I was pretty dependent on him and now it's hard to reverse back to the way I was. Don't try to look out for him because I think it will only push him away further. Let him live his life--experience is the only teacher that can make him realize what he's lost, or what he's gained. I'm sorry for everything that has happened--maybe you'll have better luck than me in this department, but I think we'll both eventually be happy =)

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Stop focusing on HIM and his relatioship and worry about you and YOUR life!

 

Please read this: reread 100 times until it sinks

 

in\

 

it has helped me immensly.. and made me realise i was making her responsible for me being happy.. when its ME who needs to make me happy..

 

and anything i would htink about her or wonder what she was doing.. id kick myself in the butt and think.. how is this making ME better.. and take her off that damn pedastal focus on myself again..

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I've been with my rebound ten years. Yes, they often do work out. It is the distance thing that may do them in. Either way, he is your ex and his love life is now none of your business. Get a love life of your own and you will soon not care a bit about his.

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I just got out of a long distance relationship and honestly, the appeal is there in the beginning and then the real work begins. Trust me, unless both are willing to make it work, it will end quickly

 

Besides, why would you want to be second best to someone that the person will probably never see?

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Thanks everyone!...still debating what to do though...

It's just hard because it seems like this summer is a window of opportunity before she comes back at the middle/end of august. Now that I don't have school anymore I am definitely getting over my depression. I was in a very bad place at one point and am a lot better now. Even though I still love him and want him back I know I need to go out and do my own thing...hobbies, meet new people, date, etc. I want to show him that I am not dependent on him and can have my own life. I'm scared that if I go no contact he will just assume I am still depressed. Also, I'm scared that down the road if I try rebuilding a friendship that his gf will get mad once she is back and they are maybe more serious.

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Also, I'm scared that down the road if I try rebuilding a friendship that his gf will get mad once she is back and they are maybe more serious.

 

I would be more scared that you spend the whole summer trying to build a friendship that you hope will blossom back into a relationship never happens, then fall comes along, she returns and he moves on with her. You will be in an even worse place.

 

If I were you, I would be away from him all summer, no contact, move on, let them do their long distance thing and if she comes back and they are together you will be fine. It could even fizzle by then and he may come crawling back around........

 

OR

 

.......more importantly, you have moved on by fall and care not if either of the two things I described above occur.

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I'm not so sure how much you love this man. I can understand why you'd consider to take advantage of the "opportunity" that you have in front of you. But if you want him back then you have to do it the right way. There is an upside to him being in a LDR but not in the way that you think. I was in something very similar some months ago but I was like a chicken with it's head cut off in the beginning since I had been blindsided by m ex with no knowledge on what to do. My advice is a conglomerate of books I've read since then. Not exactly what you'd want to hear but its working so far. The only promise I can give you is that it will improve your chances and lean the odds in your favor. Won't be easy but the purpose of this time is to weed out the weak willed and make you stronger in the end.

 

- Go into NC

 

This is very important and especially since your ex is now in an LDR. Because why would you want to help him cope with the distance while at the same time crushing your own spirit. All that will do is make him miss the other girl more. With you out of the picture you are no longer allowing him the comfort and security of your company. This will instill the "fear of loss," making him miss you too. Think of it like this the more you pull the more he'll push and vice versa. So with you away he will start to wonder what is going on with your life. How can he be interested in you when your always around. So depending on him it might take him a while to come back around. Usually 3+ months. When he does contact you be polite, not overly joyful but seemingly happy with yourself. Do not bring up his relationship or the your past one unless he does. If he sends you a message online or through phone take your time to answer him back. Until this happens it is during this time you need to work on yourself. Go to the gym, pick up a hobby, live your life. So you can reach a point where you do not need to put on a fake smile or pretend that everything is okay because it'll already be.

 

Here is a tip. You can trick yourself into feeling better by putting on a smile. It has something to do with the brain and making a connecting with your facial features. So if you force a smile you might actually feel better.

 

More to follow...

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Thanks...this is all really helpful. I am starting to feel more confident about the no contact thing, but the idea still scares me. I love him more than anything and want to be with him...I think right now I'm starting to go through that angry phase of the breakup. I want to be with him, but sometimes I feel like he disrespected me and our relationship too much to even bother. It's on and off.

 

I've read the same things too about instilling a "fear of loss" and push/pull. I tried that when we first broke up by not contacting him for 3 weeks. Little did I know that he was dating someone during that time. I hope it's not too late to try again since he is with someone else. I think I've just been pushing him away since I went into depression. I would have nervous breakdowns and call him. The first time it happened I had him meet me and I just broke down and started hyperventilating, and I had to spend the night at his house b/c I couldn't drive an hour back to school. It was bad. He still talked to me b/c he wanted me to get healthy again and I had to start going to therapy. I know it just stressed him about and pushed him away, but he still says he wants to be friends. I dont know if its out of pity or he genuinely wants too.

 

Do you think if I go NC he will just be glad he "got rid of me"? Is it too late to make him miss me? hmmm....

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Well if he feels like he "got rid of you" then you don't want his pity anyway. If you had a good relationship, then I'm sure there were good times that he will think about from time to time. There is no set time or date where he will miss you--it just happens and we actually don't have control over it. The thing you can do is to prevent further bad memories from happening--such as perhaps ruining his current relationship, make his new girlfriend hate you, etc. Let his relationship take its course. If you still want him in your life, the fastest way is to try to get over this and take some time for yourself. Like most people believe on this forum, getting back together is most successful when people have taken longer time to grow, to learn, and to forget.

 

I know how you feel with the "window of opportunity" because I am still sort of in the same place. But I'm also trying my best to just move on and not give a damn, whether or not they have a good chance of being together. I know that as long as he has a girlfriend, I cannot be close to him. So I have no choice but to find happiness without him. Be happy with yourself and become the person you were before he arrived. Once you get that old confidence and happiness back, you'll attract more people to you =)

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So today was supposed to be day 4 of NC. I was very proud of myself because I saw him at the gym yesterday, but he didn't see me, and I kept myself from going over to say hi to him. Anyways, today he contacted me on IM just to say hi for a few minutes. We had a nice short conversation. So how do I handle it from here? Do I just not contact him and wait for him to keep contacting me? I know from other threads people suggest blocking them on everything, but I dunno. Before I went NC we were saying how he wanted to try to be friends, so I don't know if he contacted me because he genuinely wants to be friends, is just being nice to me since I'm hurting, or is sorta stringing me along cuz he can't completely let go (even though he has a gf)...?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Hey, you holding up alright?

 

hey bear! (kinda funny calling you bear b/c I called my ex bear and he was a big obama guy so whenever i see your posts its a little weird haha!) Thanks for checking up on me! I'm 2 weeks NC now, besides the one time he contacted me on AIM for a few minutes. I'm doing so so much better and feel ready to meet new people. I still have some bad days but don't feel like I need to contact him to get through the day. Part of me even pities him b/c he can't handle being alone and needs someone there for him, even if she is accross the country.

 

Right now, I'm just deciding what to do for his 21st birthday in a few days. He got me a present for mine even though we were broken up and he was with someone else, and his mom called me too. I don't want to give him the "power" again by contacting him but I don't know how he will feel or think of me if I don't, ya know.

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Actually I'm here because of my ex and she is the one that gave me my nickname. Hers was Koala so what does that make the two of together? Get it? And there was another joke whenever she said "goodnight b" or something ending with "b" I'd respond "k lounge." Its a joke from Dane Cook. And I'm not a huge Obama Fan but I did vote for him. Didn't want to give my face away so I edited it using some online website. But then again you can see it on my profile page.

 

As for your ex I don't blame him. He's used to having his girl around and long-distance relationships rarely work out. Mine didn't. So try not to look down on him he's just missing her and probably you I bet too. He is a human being like everyone else. You posted this thread caused you missed him so show a little more empathy.

 

What did he get you for his birthday if I may ask? Trying to evaluate what you should do since I'm not sure myself.

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As for your ex I don't blame him. He's used to having his girl around and long-distance relationships rarely work out. Mine didn't. So try not to look down on him he's just missing her and probably you I bet too. He is a human being like everyone else. You posted this thread caused you missed him so show a little more empathy.

 

What did he get you for his birthday if I may ask? Trying to evaluate what you should do since I'm not sure myself.

 

Haha that is cute about your nicknames!

 

I know I should be easier on him, but I'm just angry right now. I just don't understand how he can start dating someone a few days after we broke up when we were together for 3.5 years. I could handle not being together, but knowing he was with someone else drove me crazy. He knew it affected my grades, my work, I didn't sleep or eat, I had thoughts of suicide...and eventually had to see a therapist....and it was all because he was with her. We were broken up once before and it was the other way around, and I broke it off with the person I was dating to help him get better. I am just mad b/c if he loved me and cared he would have done the same for me, especially knowing she was going to be away for 3 months. It just doesn't make sense in my mind...sorry for the rant.

 

Anyways, for my birthday he a princess clock the glows in the dark. Silly, I know, but I thought it was cute because he is always telling me I need a clock in my room cuz I always just use my cell. I love Disney and it had the Disney princesses on it. And I always say I need a night light because I hate the dark and always sleep with the lights dimmed. So ya, that is what he got me and I thought it was really thoughtful...I posted a thread about it and everyone is saying just ignore his bday. Part of me wants to ignore it and maybe get some sort of emotion from him. The other part says that recognizing his birthday is being the bigger person....Oh, and a while back I bought a shot glass that says "someone at (my school) loves me!" since its his 21st. I have no one else to give it to, so I don't know if I should just give him that.

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Why did you start calling him bear? She gave me that nickname because my first and last name begin with a B and I used to rave all the time about this show called Man vs. Wild with the host Bear Grylls, hence my nickname. I never thought about it before but it made sense.

 

My ex broke up with me, supposedly, because of my sister. Me and my sis were on bad terms because she didn't like my ex and was on bad terms with her for reasons unknown. So my ex every now and then said we probably shouldn't be together because of that but I told her not to worry thats her problem and not ours to deal with. She broke up with me on Superbowl Sunday saying it was mutual (yeah right) and could not deal with the distance and would resume when I came up to NY.

 

-I come from NY and moved here to FL with my dad and step mom for my Junior year. She was like the diamond in the rough, the girl I left behind.

 

We talked for two more weeks like best friends but without the I

 

-She met me and another guy around the same time last summer and chose me over him b/c he had done her wrong in some way I cannot remember. And I forgot that he had lived in PA since I felt secure about me and her. He had asked her to his prom and she had to ask me if it was ok by me which it wasn't but a friend asked me to her prom so I did not want to be hypocritical. She was supposed to be my date for my prom but after the break up it was not possible. Although I met someone else and still had a great time.

 

When I did get in contact with her she was distant and unresponsive. Within the next few weeks I found out through a mutual friend she was seeing this guy and we argued and fought. Thats when I fell down hard to a place where rock bottom meets hell. Lost 5-10 lbs in a week, couldn't eat right, sleep was rare and if I did manage to get any shut eye I dreampt of her. Jumped into another relationship too soon with a great girl but she was in the same situation and she cheated on me with her ex. But thats a different story.

 

After a couple of months, around this time, we got back in contact for a short while for closure. She wanted to talk and at first I vented everything out on her. Afterwards we talked some more and she wanted to know if we could periodically talk to make sure the other still had a pulse. I told her no because I cannot do friends with her after all we've been through. We ended on a good note just in case for a point in the future that might hold a place for us.

 

Through all of that I became a lot wiser and unfortunately a little jaded but thats all going towards "the one" you know. Cause I only want to have to go on one knee and propose once. My folks are divorced and did my mom a world of hurt. The reason is because my dad had an affair, not sure how far or with whom but I don't need nor want to know. Thats why I'm a strong advocate against infidelity, but then again I've never been a weak position like that so I try to have some kind of sympathy for those who do cheat.

 

Sorry for the rant but I figure the best way to forget your problems is to delve in those of others. I figure maybe it could give you some clarity as well.

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Now getting back to you. I can see how you think it is unfair of him to not give you the chance you gave him. And why not since his girl is going to be away for three months right? Because how can you take him back after he would slight his own integrity just to be with you. You don't want that, you want him back and it should be the right way like I told you from the beginning. If he would do that to her he is just as likely to do it to you. Even if you might think he'd never do that he is still fully capable of doing it. When you broke up with him you did what you wanted to do and came around to give your love to your ex. He has the same right to love whomever he chooses and you must respect that. I know it doesn't make sense but a lot of the time life is not fair and we have to deal with it and it will continue to be so until we learn from our mistakes. If after that it keeps on then well again thats life. Bad things happen to good people. How fair do you think it was for the guy you got into a relationship with after your ex when you left him to give your ex another chance? Not everybody is going to be just as thoughtful or hold their integrity as tight as people like us.

 

As for his birthday I would suggest at least wishing him a happy birthday. You can get him something small like a card. Anything extra is alright but nothing like that shot glass.

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Hey, thanks for sharing your story and no need to be sorry for the rant. I'm sorry to hear about your past breakup but it sounds like you are doing well and have gained a lot of knowledge. I try to look at everything as a learning experience and never have any regrets because you can only grow once you are at the bottom I guess. Like you said, it will only help when you find "the one." I totally get what you mean though when you say you only want to propose once. It's so weird and sad when I read the other posts from people who broke up when they were engaged. You probably don't watch The Bachelor, but maybe you heard what happened last season. I remember Melissa told him that she only wanted to be engaged once and that he ruined it for her....I actually don't know where I was going with that reference. Anyways, I hope you are doing okay and it seems like you are. How long has it been since you've contacted each other? And do you still want her back or are you just sorta open to it in the future? Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything. I don't know if I'm the best at giving advice but I'm always here to listen.

 

To answer your question, I started calling him bear because he is just like a big teddy bear. haha. I call him different kinds of bears like "puppybear" cuz he had really good sad puppy eyes, and "snowbear" whenever we would go to Mammoth....all that good stuff. And he would call me googlybear, like from Monsters Inc. I thought it was funny about your koala bear thing, everyone says me and my sis look like koala bears!

 

Thanks for all of your advice. I reaallly appreciate you listening to everything I have to say. I talked to my dad and I don't think I'm gonna do anything for his birthday. Right now he is in control and can have me back whenever he wants, and by not contacting him I'm in a sense turning the tables. I think that he is expecting me to do something (esp. since a while back I told him I already had part of his present) and maybe he will be a little hurt that I don't. Hopefully if he feels some sort of emotion he will realize that getting with someone so soon was maybe a mistake. I don't know, that is all so hypothetical. It's just so frustrating b/c I've been looking forward to his 21st for so long and he's going to fly out to see her next weekend. It's not fair that she barely knows him and she's gonna be the one who gets to get him a big present and take him out and celebrate....I don't really know how I feel towards him right now. Its like he has hurt me so much in the past (broken up with me twice and the first time ended up sleeping with my friend, who was also his friend's ex....and now getting with someone 3 days after we broke up!) Although I still love him very much and don't know what the future holds for us, I don't really see myself going back to him. As much as I want to I just can't. At least not for a reaaally long time. But part of me still wants confirmation that he loves me. I want him to miss me and still think about me, regardless of his gf. I dunno if that makes sense.

 

Oh, and to clear up everything about the other guy I was seeing and broke things off with....We were not in a relationship, just dating for a few weeks. But we continued to not hang out anymore cuz of everything going on with the ex....Thats why I don't understand what he was thinking by getting into a relationship with her. I just want to know the logic behind everything, and he even admits that he go into it too fast. Its like, what is more important, me or her? I didn't expect him to get back together with me, but he knew how unhealthy it made me and I just wished he just stayed friends with her until I was doing better....I guess there is nothing that can be done about it now except wait for them to break up....sorry that was really long!

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I never did watch shows like the Bachelor because I feel it was too superficial to waste my time on. Have you ever heard of the show Growing Up Gotti? Its about a very attractive blonde and single mother trying to raise three spoiled guidos in NY. At the time there was no DVR and both my older and younger sister had control of the tv. Unfortunately it was at the same time my favorite show was on, 24. Years later they regretted throwing away the time watching the show and people bashed guys like that. Yet companies spew out shows like that every year. Alright I do watch a couple of them but only for mindless fun.

 

My father had an affair with this other woman apparently and since I found out I swore I would never be unfaithful or cheat. There are some things I wish I could do-over or take back from a few relationships for the hurt I caused. But I have not broken my promise. I absolutely disgust people like that and have very little tolerance for. However, with my dad it is personal and since I was not the one offended I let it slide. The only other people I hate worse is sexual abusers which has since recently changed my view on the death penalty. We don't live in a world where WWJD is top priority. So for the good of the whole I would rather cut those people off. I do try to have compassion for them since I have never been in a situation of being tempted or weak that would lead to a bad decision.

 

Pertaining to my situation the last time we spoke was about two, three weeks ago. We had argued because she wanted to talk because she had a bad day and "knew" talking to me would make her feel better. I told her although I feel sorry and wish I could help that she is strong and will have to go to her boyfriend for that. That I cannot be her crutch since we decided that we would get closure and go our separate ways for now. She said all she wanted was a laugh, then I told her thanks for treating me like a tissue to use and throw away when you feel like. All I want is to see her happy but with me. I believe its what we both want but then again I'm not so sure because she is saying this while she is with him. What is preventing us is the time and circumstances. When we said goodbye she said "I love you." I hung up b/c I didn't think it would be appropriate to respond. But the n I responded through a text I love you. I know it does not have much meaning but its not easy holding back when I love this girl so damn much. Past week its been eating at me al little because she is so awesome in every way. The only time I disliked her was at the very end. Now she has shaken my trust in her and made me unsure of my and her person. Made me question myself and if she was ever the person who I fell in love with. I want her back, more than anything. To pursue a serious long-term relationship and maybe even go for the gold. So we did agree somewhere in the conversations to possibly revisit this in the future. At one point she even mentioned about seeing each other when I visit NY in July. But afterwards she dissreguarded it. What do you think? Did she mean it but then out of caution take it back?

 

Every guy will ask himself how much he loves the woman he talks about. Which by the way I am in love with her. But I have created a scenario the explain myself. Here it goes:

 

"If the news should come on today and say that this evening would be the last time we would see the sun, I could wake up the next day lying beside you and see the sun in you. In your face, your eyes, your smile, the person that you are and how you make me laugh and bring out the best in me. Because it is not too hard to imagine both of us getting married, having kids and our own house. Loving each other every step of the way and making new memories to the very end."

 

This girl made my heart sing and feel as light as air. She was better then any drug that made me feel I could take on the world with her by my side. When she left thats when the complete opposite happened to me. The worst days of my life. Where the world owned me and had me on my knees and beat me to the ground.

 

But I picture a day where there are no boundaries between us and I forgive her and hold her in my arms again. That we would have been together enough years to the point where I could propose. I might do it like my dad did and do it at the beach at sunset. Or on the Eifell Tower. But since that was a long far way off I was going to give her a promise ring over the summer if things went well. Plans didn't go accordingly.

 

One thing I hate though is that she left because of my sister. She did not approve of my ex because she felt she was not good enough for me. That my ex was fat (yes I am somewhat of a chubby chaser, on top of that an skinny athletic white male so don't make fun, she is shorter than me though), can get very emotionally attached which is a good thing for me so she will not lose those feelings so quickly, and personal issues that caused them to have a falling out.

 

I do need you to look at one more thing. When we were talking I confessed to her that I lied about not being a virgin. Not to play games or that it was uncalled for because she had lied to me about our "mutual" breakup so I did not want to be a hypocrite and clear my conscience about that. So when I told her about a girl I was seeing she asked if we had any plans to "do anything" if you get my drift. I told her I wanted to save that for someone special and I do not know if I would have enough time before college to get to know her that well. After that I kind of asked her the same question and she said that she had not any plans to do anything. She is also a virgin and though you might think I'm am trying to control her and thinking with my * * * * it is a lot more important than that I assure you. It is the aspect of sharing the experience together and not when the other person has already gone all the way. Because then it would be giving it to the other. Because even when I thought she cheated on me and had the opportunity with the girl afterwards I still decided to hold on to it. What would you say to her response?

 

With you man he did not make a mistake no one ever does. It is either a good or bad decision. I know exactly what your going through. You want him back yet you want him to be sorry for the hurt he has caused you. For him to come crawling and begging with sincerity that it was his fault and that he wants to be together again. The pain you feel because this new girl is sharing moments and making memories with him that you feel you deserve. And you want some recognition that the time you spent together was not a waste and that he holds a special place for you in his heart that can never be replaced. And you'd like to hear it straight from him in his own words so the door feels open for a future point in time. What I'd want for you is to find that kind of peace or closure in the matter so you do not waste the days ahead grasping on to the hope of a future together. You never know what can happen. There have been many stories where people in your situation have gotten back together anywhere from a couple of days to either months or years. The point of no contact is for you to heal and become stronger, the person you were before him only better. If you can accomplish that and actually be happy then you will shift the odds in your favor. I bet if he saw you with another guy he'd be furious and think the same things you are now how of him and his new set of legs.

 

Let me ask you, does he or you share a profile on either myspace or facebook? And what was the last thing that was aid between you two?

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Geez, what is with all of these crazy coincidences?! My ex's fave show was 24 too. Also, what happened with his parents (divorce b/c dad was cheating) is like what happened to you, and he always said that he would never cheat because of that. Maybe you are secretly him talking to me, just pretending to be some guy from florida! haha jk!...I never have heard of the show growing up gotti, but yea I admit that I watch a lot of reality tv. I know it is such junk, so I don't know why I keep watching! When I see commercials for Paris Hilton's BFF and Daisy of Love, I'm like "What has this world come to?!" And then when there is nothing else on I watch one episode and end up recording the whole season! It's such a bad habit, and I'm gonna go watch NYC Prep right now. ha! Oh, and btw I'm with you on everything you said about cheaters, sexual abusers, and the death penalty.

 

With you situation it sounds like she was trying to have it both ways. It sounds like you have both decided that you want to try again some time in the future, so she was still trying to maintain some sort of connection by calling you when she was having a bad day. I think you did the right thing by telling her that she can't use you as an emotional crutch. I'm trying to put myself in her position, and I think when you sent the "I love you" text it maybe made her feel guilty. That is probably why she hasn't contacted you or brought up seeing each other during your visit to NY. Since you've made it clear to her that although you don't know what the future holds, you are trying to move on. She is probably trying to help you do that now b/c she knows that your circumstances wouldn't really allow you to be together. Since she can't be with you, she minus well be with the other guy, and allow you to move on.

 

I like your quote and understand where you are coming from. I think I used to feel that way...like, no matter how much they hurt us we would always take them back. We love them so much and only see them in our future that everything they did was supposed to happen. They have new boyfriends and girlfriends, and even though it sucks for us, its okay because it was all supposed to happen for a reason if it means we end up with the one we love....Part of me still feels the same way you do. Sometimes I imagine a proposal, a wedding, and living happily ever after. But I can only imagine those happy things when I think about how we used to be. I realize now (and I think this might pertain to your situation too) that if we ever got back together things would be different. They hurt us and that trust is gone. And maybe b/c I am a pessimist, but I think once that trust is shattered, you will never fully get it all back, no matter how hard you try. If you get back together the chemistry is not the same b/c the person they are in the future is shaped by the bf/gf they are with today. As much as I want to get back with my ex, I'm starting to see that I just want what we had, but not necessarily him. If one day he decided he made a mistake and wants to come back, I don't know if we would work out because he hurt me, didn't care about my feelings and went off with another girl right away. That right there is disrespectful, and because of him I went into depression. Because of him I couldn't sleep, and when I did I just hoped that I would never wake up. Because of him I had to drop classes, I'm not going to graduate on time, and I'm going to have to put off law school for another year! So as much as I love him and want him to come back, I'm verrry skeptical about us working b/c in the back of my mind I know he did all those things to me.....Is any of this making sense?

 

It sucks that she left because of your sister. I wouldn't totally blame her though b/c there were other circumstances, like the distance and the other guy, that contributed to you not being able to be together. At the end of the day though, family is so important and it's so hard to make it work when people don't approve of each other. For example, with me and my ex, I deep down didn't care for his dad. I remember we were together for almost a year when he was getting ready for his senior trip to Hawaii with his guy friends, and his dad apparently asked him if he needed to take a box of condoms with him. Even though since then his dad was always super nice and took us on trips and stuff, I always remembered that incident, and it just caused a lot of underlying tension.

 

I'm a little confused about what you were trying to say about the whole virgin/not virgin thing. You said that you lied to her about not being a virgin, which sounds like you are not a virgin, but you told her that you were. But then the rest of what you were saying sounded like you were still one, so I was a little confused. If you are a virgin, are you trying to save it for her? Cause it sorta sounded like you were, but I'm not sure....

 

As far as my situation, we are not friends on facebook (we are on myspace but neither of us really use it). When we first got in our fight that led to our break up I just blocked him so I could clear my head, not realizing that it de-friends you too. Once I un-blocked him I tried searching for him, but couldn't b/c he changed his settings so you can't find him. The only way for anyone to be friends with him is if he adds them first. He blocked my sister and all of my friends, and made our pictures hidden, so no one but him can see them. He promised me he would put them back up, and didn't for a few weeks. And now since we are not talking I don't know if he did or not, but I'm guessing no.

 

The last time we saw each other was a month ago. I don't remember everything we talked about. I mentioned some things about her facebook that really irked me (I know I sound like a crazy but I made a fake account, so I could see her page). She wrote some things like "journeys end in lovers beginning" and that she was "smiling about fate-everything happens for a reason," which made me think she wasn't a good person. I felt those things were disrespectful to me, him, and our relationship, but when I brought it up he didn't want to hear any of it. I also said how I thought it was weird she had his name under her interests, like is he her hobby or something? Like, maybe it could be normal but she did it so soon after they started seeing each other that it was a little obsessive. There were other things that I thought were kinda weird and obsessive, but I guess it doesn't matter....Anyways, going back to the last time we saw each other, we left on good terms. We thought that we could work out a friendship by staying LC for the beginning of summer and then once things were cooled down and I was healthy again we could maybe hang out and stuff.

 

The last time we spoke on the phone was June 14 because he was editing a paper for me, so we didn't really talk about much. After that I decided that NC was best so we didn't talk. I saw him 3 days later at the gym and didn't go up to say hi or anything. He IM'd me the next day to say hi. We talked for about 5 minutes. I told him I saw him at the gym and he acted all surprised he didn't see me and all that. We haven't spoken since then. As you know, last week was his birthday. I decided not to do anything, which was sucky so that night I was all upset and crying to my parents. They were like, "If he really cared he would have called you." And literally a minute later he called and I started freaking out. I didn't answer and waited for a voicemail. He texted, "Hey did you just try calling?" I didn't respond. He called again and I didn't answer. I just texted back "No, I didn't." He texted "Sorry that was Justin (his friend) making a fake phone call to try out a new program on my phone. Hey anyways." I didn't respond, but was really hurt. I sent a message to Justin explaining how I thought it was disrespectful blah blah. He send a message back apologizing, he wasn't thinking, it was bad judgement, he didn't mean to hurt me, whatever. I'm assuming that he told my ex about the message I sent, but I haven't heard anything from him.

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  • 2 months later...

Hey there. I was with a girl for a little over 4 years... she broke up with me becaue she "wasn't strong enough" to stand up for herself, me, or "us" to her parents, when they told her that she had to break up with me or lose her college funding (she's 20, I'm 29)

 

It's been 3 months, I spent the first 2 months pushing her away by being needy... then found out at 2 and a half months that she had been seeing some other guy. I found out because I asked her randomly on a hunch... she went on and on about how little he meant to her and how she didn't even really like the guy, but never once apologised for the fact that it hurt me. She just tried rationalising it to me...

 

So now I have been on 2 weeks of No Contact, after sending her an email stating that I need space and time to think, etc... It would seem by a comment on her facebook page from one of her friends (I stumbled accross it) that she's still seeing this guy, even though she kept telling me that she "would have preferred to never be friends with that guy than lose" my friendship.

 

She had JUST moved to college 3+ hours away a couple weeks ago... and the thing with this guy she "doesn't even like" started a couple weeks before that. So she's trying to form a rebound relationship, long distance. Sure, it's not VERY long distance... but even when we were happily together, she wondered how well it would work for us.

 

I don't know quite what to do... I am sticking to the no contact thing for a while... this weekend is her birthday, and she isn't even getting so much as a text from me. I just hope that shocks her a bit into realising that she wants me more than this other guy....... because there is NO doubt in my mind that she truly does want me, but is just trying to escape from feelings she thinks she's not allowed to have (as instructed by her controlling parents).

 

It just strikes me as odd that she would continue to see this guy, knowing how much it hurt me AND her 'friendship' with me. That she wouldn't at least back off from him and try to get the friendship that she claimed was so important to her back. Especially considering how much she went on and on about how little he meant to her and how little she even liked him.

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