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Thread: Ex-BF in a long distance rebound relationship...what should i do?

  1. #1
    tink0688
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    Ex-BF in a long distance rebound relationship...what should i do?

    Hey everyone! I'm new to this site and so far all of the advice from other threads as been really helpful, but I still don't know what to do because I'm in a uncommon situation...(I will try to keep it as short as I can)

    My (ex)boyfriend and I were together for 3 and a half years and he broke up with me about 3 months ago. He still says he loves and cares for me, but is not "in love" with me. I didn't contact him for 3 weeks hoping that this would give him enough time to miss me. We met up a little after that and had a good time together. We both got a little choked up seeing each other too. At that point, I had hope that I could get him back.

    A week later he told me he started dating someone, and after that point I started to go into serious depression. We still remained in contact, and when we met up again in the middle of May he told me that the "other girl" went away for the summer since she lives in another state. He said that they still talk, but it was a "we will see" situation.

    My depression continued to get worse because the more I talked to him, the more I realized his stories weren't adding up. I got curious and found her facebook, only do find out that they officially were in a relationship. They started dating 3 days after we broke up when she asked him to her sorority formal (when he told me they didn't start hanging out until a month after we broke up). She already stayed as his house and met his family, and he also commented to her saying he loved her. I confronted him about all of his lies, but he said he did it to protect me (which I'm not sure...I think he might have been trying to protect himself). I know he is planning on visiting her for a weekend in about a month.

    I've tried explaining to him that I feel that he disrespected me and our relationship by only waiting 3 days to date someone. He admits that he went into it way too fast, but he is happy how he is now. However, I don't know if he is truly happy because I think he is just using her to get over the breakup. I've done a lot of research on the psychology behind rebound relationships and have found out that they are really not healthy. I've tried talking to him about it a little, but he think I am just trying to control his life. Part of me thinks I should show him the articles or try to talk to his best friend so he can get a different perspective. I know I can't tell him what to do, but if he got the information from another source maybe he will realize on his own that its not good for him (or anyone for that matter) to be in his new relationship.

    The other thing I am confused about is how I should proceed from here. I was reading another thread about using reverse psychology when it comes to rebound relationships. It logic makes sense to have no contact, but should I still do this when his new girlfriend lives on the other side of the country for the next couple of months? I don't know if I should take advantage of this and try to hang out with him more, since she has the "out of sight, out of mind" disadvantage. This summer I want to live my own life and do things for myself, but I am still so in love with him. We have been best friends for the past 3 years, so I can't imagine a life without him, even as just a friend. But ultimately I want to get him back....Any advice would be helpful...Thanks!

  2. #2
    Puckdog27

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    First of all you are all depressed about a relationship that is on the phone, and internet. Second, not all rebounds are rebounds. I thought my ex wife was in a rebound until she married the guy. It was only after I realized how much time had passed between when we truly existed as a couple and when she meet him that I figured out that it wasnt a rebound, she had disengaged from me a long time before.

    I know it seems hard, but you have to let go and not focus on what his relationship is. It seems like he isnt even sure what it is. But finally, you have to just put it a side and do whats best. Nothing. Because if you do nothing, you can do nothing wrong. So yes, go No Contact. But not for him for you.

  3. #3
    Scorpion Fury
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    A long distance rebound? I'd laugh at him. What do they do, have cyber sex? lol.

    Bottom line, he broke up with you. If you want to heal, you should go no contct and stop concerning yourself with what he's doing.

  4. #4
    In the Dark
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scorpion Fury [Register to see the link]
    Bottom line, he broke up with you. If you want to heal, you should go no contact and stop concerning yourself with what he's doing.
    +1

    I know it can be very hard, I've gone NC to the point where I don't even visit mutual friends.

    I've decided to vasnish off the face of the Earth so to speak.
    She hurt me very badly and will take time for me to heal.

  5. #5
    JuneBug
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    I'm in sort of the same situation! We dated for 3 years, then he started going out with another girl long distance relationship 2 weeks after our break up. He also tried to keep her a secret from me, which actually made me even madder because then I felt like my dignity was gone since he "pitied" me. Except in this case, she is on the opposite side of the world, instead of another state. 12 hour difference, I don't even know how they have time to talk when they both work.

    I agree with the above posts--most likely it won't work out because 1. it is a rebound and 2. Distance always takes a toll eventually. However, I always say to expect the worst. Let him go to prepare yourself for a worst case scenario--what if they get married? And take this time to heal, and perhaps you'll meet the right person for you in the process, who is CLOSE BY haha. If you really loved him, you have to let him go because you want him to be happy right? I had to tell myself that this was the greatest kind of love. If he ever does miss me, he will come back and find me, until then, I cannot wait for him. I had to take about 4-5 months NC away, and we only recently started talking, but even now it is only online about once 2-3 weeks.

    So just take some time for yourself to learn how to be independent again, since for me anyway, I was pretty dependent on him and now it's hard to reverse back to the way I was. Don't try to look out for him because I think it will only push him away further. Let him live his life--experience is the only teacher that can make him realize what he's lost, or what he's gained. I'm sorry for everything that has happened--maybe you'll have better luck than me in this department, but I think we'll both eventually be happy =)

  6. #6
    hulk7280
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    Stop focusing on HIM and his relatioship and worry about you and YOUR life!

    Please read this: reread 100 times until it sinks

    in\[Register to see the link]

    it has helped me immensly.. and made me realise i was making her responsible for me being happy.. when its ME who needs to make me happy..

    and anything i would htink about her or wonder what she was doing.. id kick myself in the butt and think.. how is this making ME better.. and take her off that damn pedastal focus on myself again..

  7. #7
    thejigsup
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    I've been with my rebound ten years. Yes, they often do work out. It is the distance thing that may do them in. Either way, he is your ex and his love life is now none of your business. Get a love life of your own and you will soon not care a bit about his.

  8. #8
    doiiiieeezie
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    I just got out of a long distance relationship and honestly, the appeal is there in the beginning and then the real work begins. Trust me, unless both are willing to make it work, it will end quickly

    Besides, why would you want to be second best to someone that the person will probably never see?

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    tink0688
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    Thanks everyone!...still debating what to do though...
    It's just hard because it seems like this summer is a window of opportunity before she comes back at the middle/end of august. Now that I don't have school anymore I am definitely getting over my depression. I was in a very bad place at one point and am a lot better now. Even though I still love him and want him back I know I need to go out and do my own thing...hobbies, meet new people, date, etc. I want to show him that I am not dependent on him and can have my own life. I'm scared that if I go no contact he will just assume I am still depressed. Also, I'm scared that down the road if I try rebuilding a friendship that his gf will get mad once she is back and they are maybe more serious.

  10. #10
    Puckdog27

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    Quote Originally Posted by tink0688 [Register to see the link]
    Also, I'm scared that down the road if I try rebuilding a friendship that his gf will get mad once she is back and they are maybe more serious.
    I would be more scared that you spend the whole summer trying to build a friendship that you hope will blossom back into a relationship never happens, then fall comes along, she returns and he moves on with her. You will be in an even worse place.

    If I were you, I would be away from him all summer, no contact, move on, let them do their long distance thing and if she comes back and they are together you will be fine. It could even fizzle by then and he may come crawling back around........

    OR

    .......more importantly, you have moved on by fall and care not if either of the two things I described above occur.

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