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Challenging myself


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Okay, so I'm feeling alright at the moment, and I wanted to get this in writing and get some "witnesses" so that I have to face the music if I don't hold myself to this.

 

My biggest weakness in my breakup has been checking daily (sometimes at multiple points throughout the day) to see if my ex has uploaded any new YouTube videos. It's never a good experience for me when she does, and lately I've been getting sick of watching her and this canadian* opportunist reciting poetry back and forth. It turns my stomach. I guess I keep checking hoping that I'll see some sign that she still cares, or that maybe one day she'll even make a video for me that says she realizes how badly she screwed up and how much she wants me back and wants to get better. I know that won't happen, and it's just wishful thinking. Her videos never show any sign that she was ever with me, or any trace of the emotion that stems from a breakup. Also, I check even when I know it will be something that upsets me, because the anger I feel when she expresses her romantic feelings for this guy gives me a sense of clarity, even though it's short-lived. Like those energy drinks that offer a temporary "boost", there's the inevitable crash afterward. I don't want to go through that anymore.

 

So I'm challenging myself to stop watching her YouTube videos. I'll still use YouTube for other things, and I'll still check my messages on there (our primary form of communication since the breakup, though I've always been the one to initiate said communication). But I've unsubscribed to her, and I don't have to know she's made videos anymore unless I go looking for them.

 

Can I get a witness? lol, sorry, couldn't help it.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

*- Please note that I harbor no ill will toward Canada or Canadians in general- just this specific one who caused my brain to whiff in the adjective department for that brief moment. Let it be known that I would love to one day become a proud Canadian myself.

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Expectation usually leads to disappoinment. Disappoinment can lead to resentment towards someone, the situation, or ourselves.

 

If can view YouTube without expecting her to behave, show feelings, or even acknowledge you, in the way that you desire, your unpleasant emotional reactions will not bring you so much pain.

 

Expecting only one outcome of your search, will probably lead you to disappoinment, as it does in all of life. If you are willing to accept any outcome that comes your way when it becomes the present moment, your suffering will diminsh.

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Thanks, CT. I have to plead guilty to that as well, though her stiff, lawyer-esque replies to my messages have given me no comfort in revisitation. I think I go back looking to read something into them.

 

Heck yeah, we can do this.

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Thanks for the message, John. I agree with everything you said, though viewing her videos at this point is rather pointless. I can't go in with no expectation right now. I want to see her guilty, sorrowful, and wistful for what she threw away. Realistically, that just isn't going to happen. She's not in her right mind, and in this state she's convinced herself that this internet romance is everything she never had with me. No complications, no pressure to get healthy, no responsibility to the other's well being. I don't know if it will be three days or three years before she realizes that she's deluded herself, but until it happens, I can't help her or change her or expect anything different from her than what I've been getting for the past month.

 

Nah, I'll just let her make her flirty videos without forcing myself to watch them, and in the meantime, my healing process is bound to improve without having to see her face and hear her voice everyday. Those things would be nice if there were some mention or hint of me, but there's only mention of this internet guy. No reason to go through the trouble of watching them.

 

Maybe after I've healed a bit, but that's what I'm trying to do with this challenge for myself.

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Good idea! I vowed to myself to stop checking my ex's new fb page. All I saw was him adding new girls. So I deleted him and promised myself to not look again. What I don't no, won't hurt me.. What I don't think about, will help me move on

 

Exactly, Lauren. Good for you! I know we can do this.

 

If I find myself feeling weak about this decision, I'll definitely be coming back to this thread for support. I'm glad it will be from people who have made similar challenges with themselves.

 

Thanks guys.

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I was not saying to go look at her videos as I would not myself. Just know that without expectation that they would be easier to deal with. But what would be the purpose?

 

It seems that you have the proper perspective. She may never realize how dysfunctionally she may be looking at things. And you are right, you cannot change that.

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I can't help but look at my ex's facebook too! Keeps adding pictures of events we were together (but the ones without me). He just added a picture of himself ...that he took of himself. UM.

 

It really sucks! I'll join in on this! Solidarity, yaya! (kidding. sorta)

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I'll join in on this! Solidarity, yaya! (kidding. sorta)

 

You don't have to be kidding. The more of us there are the more resolve and support we'll have. I'm thinking the solidarity thing might have been a movie line, but whatever, it works for me.

 

Glad you'll be joining in with us, orchid.

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You don't have to be kidding. The more of us there are the more resolve and support we'll have. I'm thinking the solidarity thing might have been a movie line, but whatever, it works for me.

 

Glad you'll be joining in with us, orchid.

 

TOTALLY is. Sisterhood of the traveling pants. I have no shame.

 

I love this thread. you guys rock. It does make me feel better that we have each other to lean on. Day 1!

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Yeah, I'm sure a dream was what caused that. I seem to remember her walking out of the room, and me trying to say something important to her before she left. Of course, my feet were stuck in that "dream sludge" that keeps you from moving very quickly. So I was having to try and yell after her.

 

Same here, got a few hours. It'll be alright in a while, though, after I get good and awake.

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i'm going to join along.. I will NO LONGER FISH for any info on the EX.. I will stay away from all bodybuilding sites AND never look at her myspace, facebook, or the guy she is "talking" too's myspace. I will NOT google her name. I will NOT look at the contest results from the show she is doing. I will not look at her pictures.. I will avoid ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can find out about my EX..

 

She is dead to me ..

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I think I will join in and focus my effort into somewhere else, I have already looked at her facebook 6 times today and re-read the email she sent me around 8 times which goes:

 

"Hey, hope your'e ok thanks for wishing me a wicked birthday I just thought I would write you a little message to say I had a really nice day and it made me think today, that we really should be friends with each other because were bound to see each other out, I dont want it to be akward or anything. I know this might not happen straight away but it really would be cool if we could stay friends..

 

I hope your sister had a good birthday to, I would have texted her but I dont have any credit.

 

Anyways make sure u look after yourself and i'll probably bump into soon lol x.x"

 

I even clicked on her new boyfriends profile I felt my heart pounding in fear while I did this, I don't get why she had to send me that damn message and is asking to be friends with me, don't she understand that I'm hurt and shes just hurting me more!

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Sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch, Fan.

 

It's totally okay and understandable to not be able to be friends with her. She feels as though she has some clarity at the moment because she's stuffed that hole in her heart with her rebound guy. My ex has done the same thing (in a way), though we're not yet to the point of speaking casually, and I don't know if we will get there anytime soon, if ever. But the comfort of having someone there as a rebound is usually short-lived, and it likely will not last long.

 

Just focus on yourself. I may be alone in this opinion, but I think it's just too much to ask someone to refrain from checking up on their ex in the first few weeks.

 

How long were you guys together, and how long has it been since the breakup? Do you have any desire for a reconciliation?

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I agree with you chewy! Right after a relationship, it's only natural to keep checking up on the ex; weaning yourself off slowly is the way to go. It's totally understandable. Fan, it gets better. How many times have you heard that already? If I had a dollar for everytime someone told me that in the past month....

 

I'm at work and it's primetime for Facebook browsing. We have a ton of mutual friends and it seems like he comments on EVERYTHING (PUNK, do you really have to put your two cents in on everything?!!??!). Still, haven't clicked on his profile. Have to keep reminding myself, "do I really want to see his "new girl" (the one he denies having feelings for) comment on his page"? No.

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Sorry to hear about your ex! Are you going to become friends again? Do you want her back?

 

We was together just over a year, its been about just over 1 month since the breakup. I have had past relationships which have lasted much longer but I feel like she could of been the one, cheesy, I know! The things I would give to have her back.

 

Thing is people say rebounds are usually short-lived which makes me hope and hang around even more for her and hope that day will come when she comes running back to me. At the sametime I have to tell myself I can't just hang on. I have not replied to her message yet I might not reply to it at all.

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Crap I failed; just checked his email. My friend mentioned that his "vacation fling" (that didn't happen. no no it didn't according to him) is coming up this weekend. I guess having a booty call that you met a week after the breakup is a good way to spend the month anniversary of our breakup. VERY NICE.

 

I hate myself right now...

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