Obervations on "emotional affair" with co-worker.

This following thread (now closed) contains the background:

- To update, I took the blonde petite co-worker girl out to lunch with me at Red Lobster and paid like $ 40.00 for the whole thing. I was like half-asleep and don't know what impression I made. I think we are spiritually incompatable.

The previous night, I was french kissing my girlfriend, and she was playing with my privates and I was touching her breasts and felt a peaceful feeling when I was doing this. She usually pays for me on dates because she thinks I don't have any money since I haven't made a deal in a long time.

Tonight I meet my girlfriend again, but this time when we tried to french kiss, for the first time, I almost felt grossed out and wanted to push back and vomit. This has never happened before.

All I did was take a co-worker out for lunch. I don't have any strong feelings for her. She thinks that I am single since I never told her I have a girlfriend, but we only talked about Real-Estate and didn't get romantic or personal. I swear, I didn't even touch her, or shake her hand. I just opened my car door for her. I don't have any plans to take her out again, it was just a friendly social meeting.

So, what gives? I don't think I cheated or anything. Why am I all of a sudden disgusted when my girlfriend wants to french kiss me? What happened here?

Must be true love for the co-worker

Come on now, you feel overwhelmingly guilty. Is that such a surprise?

Must be true love for the co-worker

 

 

Come on now, you feel overwhelmingly guilty. Is that such a surprise?

Me and the co-worker are friends though. What is there to feel guilty about? I'm paying for dates for my girlfriend from now and on after an episode like that happened, at least a few of them.

The only thing that seemed unfair was the money aspect.

Ahh well then it's clear what happened. You have gastroenteritis.

I once had a very good friend define cheating for me in two ways;

One - if you wouldn't behave that way in front of her, then you are cheating

and

Two - cheating is a betrayel of trust, if you aren't able to be COMPLETELY honest about something without feeling ashamed of yourself, then you are cheating

Notice that neither of those talk about sex? Trust is a fickle mistress... treat her wrong and she is GONE.

You're feeling guilty because of your thoughts about this coworker. Doesn't matter if you "did anything" or not. I have felt guilty for having a crush on a tv actor while I was in a relationship, and it doesn't get much more "harmless" than that.

you are pushing your girlfriend away using distractions.

this 'grossed out' feeling is verification of that. imo

you are pushing your girlfriend away using distractions.

this 'grossed out' feeling is verification of that. imo

Can you explain 'distractions'? This is a fresh perspective.

Although I may have felt grossed out, I still mechanically proceeded with the french kissing, mainly to please her although I felt out of the mood, and we were listening to some quasi-religious CD's in the car (a CD artist that often may have reminded me of an old crush).

However, since this happened after I took my co-worker out, then I'm wondering is it because I took out an attractive girl, and then when I'm with my unattractive girlfriend then I just clicked off because I took her out to lunch? Or could this be because of some sort of guilt? Or could this be for any other sort of reason? I would like to know more about this distractions thing.

When I took out the co-worker, I do not believe disclosing this to my girlfriend is necessary, especially when there is nothing really going on between me or her since we are far apart on many core value issues anyway (ie, I'm a serious Christian, while she is more worldy), etc...

I've had bad experiences in the past telling 'safe-bases' that I have feelings for 'flakes', to see the 'safe-bases' lose interest and the 'flakes' just go in some other direction and then holding pity-parties about how I can't get laid. If there is something I wanted to get out of my chest, for example, taking out my co-worker, then I don't see that as a betrayal of trust unless I'm still interested in pursuing this co-worker and develop real feelings for her that's she's clearly reciprocating back.

your married coworker.. youve turned her into a distraction. something to deflect energy and emotion from your current 'focus' which should be your gf.

your married coworker.. youve turned her into a distraction. something to deflect energy and emotion from your current 'focus' which should be your gf.

This is not the married co-worker, this is the single co-worker. There are two co-workers here that I have written about on enotalone.

I do not have any energy or emotion that's substantially deflected to this co-worker. Unlike the married co-worker, this other co-worker has no limerance. I think she's nice and I really enjoy her company and think she's a nice girl to take out places, but don't really have much feelings about her beyond that.

This is not the married co-worker, this is the single co-worker. There are two co-workers here that I have written about on enotalone.

 

I do not have any energy or emotion that's substantially deflected to this co-worker. Unlike the married co-worker, this other co-worker has no limerance. I think she's nice and I really enjoy her company and think she's a nice girl to take out places, but don't really have much feelings about her beyond that.

same thing. you are using her as a wedge.

same thing. you are using her as a wedge.

Okay, so I'm using this co-worker as a wedge -- if this is true, then why would I do that?

So your girl is there from north manitoba?

the girlfriend you don't wanna be with? the one you consider unnattractive?

Okay, so I'm using this co-worker as a wedge -- if this is true, then why would I do that?

why? because you dont have alot of positive experiences with relationships. they frighten you. deep down you are holding yourself back from being hurt.

its quite common.

so on the outside you want things like companionship, yet when you get close to it its pretty effin scary. So you draw off emotionally, and then you find ways to barracade yourself emotionally from the woman you are with now.

mayhaps?

So your girl is there from north manitoba?

 

the girlfriend you don't wanna be with? the one you consider unnattractive?

No, she is not from North Manitoba, she had a temporary teaching position up there but virtually got fired.

I would like to re-program myself to be with her since my girlfriend seems like a loyal, nice and good girl to be with and we seem compatable in so many levels if my head is straying off course a bit.

Yes, I would consider my girlfriend physically unattractive, but I wouldn't say she's ugly or unacceptably ugly. I would feel somewhat hesitant to introduce her to other people around as being my girlfriend and think that we are mis-matched in terms of looks. I think with my nice car, and decent looks, I would look more congruent with a 6-7.5 in terms of looks, rather than a 3 or a 4 if I were presenting my girlfriend around in public. I know this is rather superficial, but it seems to have been weighing a bit recently, especially now if there is a 'wedge' somewhere.

One of my mother's friends who knows this girl was shocked to see me going out with her and they were surprized that I would go for her because she's not pretty or sexy. This was the same friend that introduced me to her in the first place as a Real-Estate client. After I over-heard that conversation on the phone, something changed, and it's like I allowed myself to see this co-worker, where as before I would have been a bit more committed -- I even made a thread about that here.

Another issue is that I was thinking of quitting Remax altogether because I'm not making deals, but appearantly decided to stay on paying the expensive franchise fee. To get my money's worth, I felt to be fair to myself, I had to go out with this co-worker if that was a subconcious factor in a decision towards staying. I don't know.

or... you could just really not want to be with your gf.

in which case there is no reason for you to want to stay with her. so leave her.

I did'nt mean she is from north Manitoba, I was asking if she is now with you, being "here" and has come to you from North Manitoba like you said she would be.

It seems having an unnattractive girlfriend is causing you far too many issues, maybe you should just end things with her .. that is the most logical thing to do.

I did'nt mean she is from north Manitoba, I was asking if she is now with you, being "here" and has come to you from North Manitoba like you said she would be.

 

It seems having an unnattractive girlfriend is causing you far too many issues, maybe you should just end things with her .. that is the most logical thing to do.

She is currently present and here, so there is no 'long-distance relationship' issue or component anymore.

I am also entertaining the fact that maybe for a limited time, we both have a useful purpose in each others lives since she has some sort of issues, and I have some sorts of issues with appear to complement each other and think there is a mutually theraputic interest somewhere. (except, of course, issues relating to her looks or me casually wanting to see other girls)

Her unattractiveness is not posing any immediate issues. She's not going to the same church as I am, and we have both mutually agreed that she wont be introducing me to her family and I won't be introducing her to mines at the current time. This is sort of a retionship that's kept in low-profile.

the issue that you are having of 'casually wanting to see other girls' is actually a detrimental one.

this may not be the girl for you man. move on.

if you dont want to move on then the only other thing to do is show some restriant.

relationships take work.

letting yourself succumb so easily to every whim isnt called 'dedicated'

and if you cant dedicate then you need to be the better person and leave.

you could hurt her by doing what you are doing. and if that doesnt bother you. then you should consider taking out alot of time to rethink these situations. and whether you are actually even ready for a relationship.

the issue that you are having of 'casually wanting to see other girls' is actually a detrimental one.

This is usually going with a natural flow. That is, this is something that may be anomalous or occur once in a blue moon. It would eventually drive me a bit crazy if I didn't follow through and take that co-worker out.

I am not actually casually seeing other girls, or have an agenda to deliberately go out of my way to casually see other girls. This thread is just talking about one event.

this may not be the girl for you man. move on.

if you dont want to move on then the only other thing to do is show some restriant.

relationships take work.

I don't think there is any obvious opportunities where I would need to show restraint, and if there was, I don't want to continue shelling out money taking people out here or there anyway, I don't have a budget for that sort of lifestyle.

I think my heart was there to take this girl out for quite a while, and if we went out to be social with each other, enjoyed each other's company, and the style of interaction is pleutonic, and that is all there was to it, then I really do not see how there is a sudden need to show restraint.

My main concern is my change in behaviour towards my girlfriend, where I started getting a bit more grossed out than I should if we are french kissing and if it had anything to do with that, or if it's starting to click with me that my girlfriend is unattractive, where it didn't click prior to the influence of my mother's friend, or this girl I just took out this week.

letting yourself succumb so easily to every whim isnt called 'dedicated'

and if you cant dedicate then you need to be the better person and leave.

I am not seeing any other girls at this time and do not see any tangible threats. If I had a few other girls that were really interested in me, and we were spiritually compatable, or compatable on many other levels and they are sincere, then I would see that could be a problem the way it's being portrayed. I just happen to see it as more mutually detrimental if I throw away this relationship over no tangible issue.

You said two things that I would like to address...

You said that you are a serious Christian. Not sure how you define that, I have met Christians that are so unlike Christ in their values, principles, ethics and morals that I am amazed that they haven't been struck down by God himself. What does it mean to you to be Christian? What kind of relationship do you have with God? Maybe some prayer would help you find the answer you are looking for as well, or maybe you could talk to your Pastor?

The other thing you said that caught my eye was that you think your GF is "unattractive". Do you only value someone for their physical appearance? I mean, I understand that there are some women that are just more appealing to the eye, but if you find her unattractive, then why are you with her?

IMHO, I think it might serve you well to really look a little closer at your spiritual values... being a Christian doesn't allow us to behave any way we like with impunity just because Christ died for our sins.

You said two things that I would like to address...

 

You said that you are a serious Christian. Not sure how you define that, I have met Christians that are so unlike Christ in their values, principles, ethics and morals that I am amazed that they haven't been struck down by God himself. What does it mean to you to be Christian?

When I self-describe myself as a Christian that means I subscribe to the absolute moral and value standard set by the Bible, and that I generally stay away from things that are considered 'worldly' or shun them, or would take a stand for Christ where that is called for. I also get fed by the word of God as my source of strength.

What kind of relationship do you have with God?

I'm subscribing allot to Joel Olsteen Ministries and agree with their general perspective. My relationship with God so far has been within that sort of context since I struggle allot with negative thoughts and voices that keep bringing me down and rely on the word of God and a connection with Jesus to find strength in a sea of negativity.

Maybe some prayer would help you find the answer you are looking for as well, or maybe you could talk to your Pastor?

What answer am I looking for? I've entertained the possibility that God brings people into your life for a specific purpose for a specific season. That's one of Joel Olsteen's messages.

The other thing you said that caught my eye was that you think your GF is "unattractive". Do you only value someone for their physical appearance? I mean, I understand that there are some women that are just more appealing to the eye, but if you find her unattractive, then why are you with her?

I wouldn't be with my gf in the first place if I only valued someone for their physical appearance -- the fact I'm still with her even though it's causing some sort of a strain shows that I'm not making any sort of decision on her looks. However, i think that is sort of self-deceptive.

So far I have been discounting her looks in the whole thing, but look at how many threads that I'm writing on here that is showing nothing but turbulence because I enjoy being in the company of women who have better looks.

arent you then by nature violating one of the basic 10 commandments?

arent you then by nature violating one of the basic 10 commandments?

What commandment is that?

I went out with a SINGLE co-worker. I am not married to my girlfriend, or even engaged to her.

What commandment is that?

 

I went out with a SINGLE co-worker. I am not married to my girlfriend, or even engaged to her.

I see your point, but I don't think many people do. You aren't engaged or married or even having sex with this girl. So I don't think you've done anything technically wrong. You are just expressing what a lot of people feel in the early stages of relationships, Luke. The next stage after this is usually when the guy says, "It's not you, it's me."