i heard from her today

hi all-

went nc and for the first time in over a month i heard from via text. i don't think it was a very good text. she just told me something about a group we both belong too. i asked her how she was doing and she said things are awesome. that sent shockwaves through my heart, like a ton of bricks going over my head one by one. if things are awesome this must mean she has somebody else or is really enjoying being single. i told that's great to hear. then i just asked her how her house is going and the job search and she just said the house is looking good and the job search sucks. i just told her glad to hear the house is looking good and you will eventually find something with the job. i ended it by saying if you need a friend i am here for you.

i must say i cried my eyes out after the texts. it hurt like hell to hear that things are awesome, like i said it makes me think she is really happy as heck without me.

i am so depressed i dont' even know what to say.

i treated her amazing thats the thing, the reason she wanted to break up was becuase she wanted to experience life on her own without being in a relationship. this is the girl i thought i was going to marry, my best friend for 6 years, dated for 1.5 years.

I am in the same boat as you my friend. I haven't talked to her in a long time and don't plan on it but I know that she is doing very well without me and it pains me just a little bit. But I have learn't a lot about her due to this breakup. It really opens your eyes to how your EX's really and truly are. Love is blind and boy was I blinded!!!

how are u making it through this

To be completely honest very slowly but everyday I dont hear from her is a day I grow stronger. I am not going to say it is easy because it is not. And I listen to a lot of my favorite music to get me through the days. try to not think about her (very hard to do). Almost everything reminds me of her. All I can do is move on and hope to find someone better in the future.

hi pdoog

thats what i do too. its just so darn hard. i can't believe i didn't mean anything to her, when she texted me today she did not ask how i was doing or anything like that. it was all about her. this hurts me so much. everything and i mean everything reminds me of her. even when i am working out i am thinking about her and i get upset still. this is the hardest breakup i have ever been through. i am so sad and completely lost without her. i feel like my life is stuck in neutral. i have no desire to meet someone new or even trust someone.

Are you me? because that's how I feel. Yes It sucks to know that we really didn't care that much, But look at it this way the new guy is going to be put through the same crap, and he is going to put all his emotions and trust in her and she is going to destroy it just like mine. People say only time can heal a broken heart, so time is all we have, move on, let go, be yourself and carry on living. It may just feel like the end of the world but it really is just another beginning. If ya need someone to vent to drop me a PM or continue in the thread.

hi pdoog,

thank you for listening. i am just so lost. i felt i had the world in my hands with her, i felt i had it all. i agree with you completely that is the only thing keeping me going that what she did to me she will do again to the next guy and so on. i don't think she will treat him well and i think she will eventually itch to be single again or she will become mean to him or lose herself in the relationship. it just hurts real bad. i treated her so well. so kind. i was so honest, never cheated, never looked at another girl. was always there waiting for her to get off of work at her house so i could spend time with her. things she wanted me to do.

i am so lost

Sunny I can relate to that almost 100%. I did everything and sacrafised everything for her. I changed my entire life. I moved 1600 miles away, I gave up my dog, I gave up some of my hobbies, not because she told em to, but because I thought they would get in the way of our relationship. Oh boy was I wrong!!!. Yes she will treat this new guy just like she treated you, then eventually she will get sick of it.

Like my EX I truly believe she likes the whole "honeymoon" period of a relationship the very strong deep connections you feel with someone at first, Then those feelings settle down a bit. Once that happens she tends to leave them and find that "High" again. Unfortunately it leaves a wake of broken hearts behind her and she does not seem to give two S&^ts. Not one has she asked how I was after the break up. She acted like I never existed and what she felt for me never mattered. What hurts the most is the fact I gave her everything and put all my emotions and love and my heart out there for her.

Hang in there guys, I am in a very similar boat and today is the only day I haven't felt like absolute and complete sh&t. Of course the day isn't over so we will see how the night goes. Take it minute by minute, day by day, and find something to do every second of the day. At least that's what they tell me.

sunnyv,

You are hurting because she basically teased you. You, and others, need to understand what actions mean instead of what the words say. She wanted to see if you're still there pining over her, and you reassured her that you are. That's not what you should be doing.

Gather yourself together and listen: do not tell her you will always be there for her and you'll be her friend. Trust me, this is the absolute worst thing you can say, unless you are a masochist. Do you want to be a masochist? I am betting that you don't.

When she does this again, and I guarantee she will, here's what you say:

"Look, I've come to realize that breaking up means breaking up. I know I said I could be a friend to you, but I've come to realize that being friends just gets in the way of moving on in a healthy way, for both of us, and learning from what happened. I respect you and I valued you in my life very much, but now we have to let each other go completely, with no hard feelings, and this means we can't be friends."

The way you're doing is simply setting you up for more and more pain, and meanwhile she'll be just fine. She'll have you dangling from a string. Don't give in to these people -- did she promise to be your friend and always be there for you? I don't think so, and even if she did I wouldn't believe it.

Trust me.

HA mine told me "I will always be there for you, no matter what life throws at us.. I will always be your friend"

mr so and so-

thank you for the advice. what you are saying is true. i just can't help but tell her i will be there for her if she needs it. i agree with you it does leave me hanging on a string. i will have to be stronger and i will not say those things again if she ever does contact me. its tough. you are right. she has never promised to be there as a friend for me and always be there for me. she didn't even ask me how i was doing?

what else can I do? i have no desire to meet anyone new or go out on a date. i am just not ready yet and i am not in a frame of mind to do so. will i ever be ready? i feel like i won't. this breakup has really haunted me. every day, every minute, when i wake up i think about her, when i go to bed i just want to scream wondering who she is with and now i wonder "how can her life be so awesome" i mean she is laid off of work.. ......

i am just hurting.

thanks guys for being there to listen.

pdoog,

wow we are in the same boat. i made all the sacrifices in the relationship as well. she did not make one sacrifice. i really hope her true colors come out in the next relationship. i mean they did in her past 2 ones before me. they would have to come out eventually. you are right i think she is in love with the honeymoon stage of a relationship.

i am thinking of taking a transfer with my company over a 1,000 miles away to the warmth of florida where i have always wanted to live. i currently live in the midwest and would live in snow for my ex. but i hate the snow. it just tears at my heart and scares me to death to leave her behind.

SunnyV and pdoog,

I think we all 3 dated women cut from the same cloth. I'm sitting at 6 weeks and 1 day since the break up. Without the break up we would be getting home from our honeymoon as I type this. I really can't fathom why some women find what they say they want in a man (us). The reasons they want us is because of the way we are and then suddenly their priorities change.

I don't know if they change because of GIGS or if we are the first one's outside of maybe their fathers to not treat them like crap. Mine almost felt like things were too perfect for her, she went as far to say she doubts she'll ever find a man even half as good as me. It's like she thought sometime down the road I would discover what a frail, fragile, flawed being she is and dump her so she mitigated the pain by dumping me. what she didn't fathom is that I would never have given up on making things work with her if things ever got bad, and trust me, things never had been bad between us.

Every day still blows, especially since last Saturday (our wedding date). I don't cry as much now. I spend a lot of time with my dogs, parents, friends (at least more than I did in the past 2 years). I go to the gym, go play tennis or go outside and run everyday. I spend between 30 and 60 minutes in my backyard sitting in the shade teaching myself to play guitar. Spontaniously song lyrics will pop into my head, yes they are heartbreaking songs, but heartbreak for some reason does lead to creativity. I also get on here 3 or 4 times each day. I also bought a book called "getting back together", in it it advises against seeking a quick reconciliation, for some reason that gives me hope and solace.

Today at the gym I did happen to see a quite attractive lady, maybe she'll be there more at the same time as me and maybe in a month or so I'll feel like I can approach her. Who knows? In the meantime i'll still feel my pain, just like you guys and try to move myself more towards the person I want to be. Granted, with her and her son, I was who I wanted to be, but now as a single there are all of these other things I will now pursue. maybe by this time next year, I'll be playing my heartbreaking songs in a bar for $20 a night and have a blast doing it.

BTW how old are your exes? mine was 25, i'm just wondering if there might be an age thing there.

hi brokenheart,

thanks for the comments. i really hope you get your dreams. you sound like a good guy. i think it could be a case of the gigs or something like you said where they were afraid we would see something in them we didn't like and then run. in my case just like yours i would have never run.. i would have stayed till i was old and grey and died next to her on a swing. i think there is something more going on here, something more wrong with our society. society teaches you that its ok to run if everything seems not perfect and that there must always be something better out there. this is why the divorce rate is so high and why people breakup. not to mention the economy has gotten everybody thinking doom and gloom.

i am with you. everyday still does blow. especially when i wake up in the morning or before i go to bed. i am with you i workout at least 2 x a day now and i hang out with my family a lot more too. i don't date any other girls right now, not even thinking about that. its not even something i want. i find myself spending a lot of time alone when i am not with family or friends. i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. i get awful lonely but i feel like i would be horrible company to anybody else and i don't want to put them through this.

i just wish our exs would come back.

sunnyv,

It's understandable that you are in a lot of pain. This person has pulled the rug right from under you and left you hanging. Focus on yourself and don't get sucked into any games that this person will try to play with you.

Sunnyv,

Thanks, you seem like a good guy too. I hope, down the road when THEY work out THEIR issue/s, that they will come back and want to start anew. I also hope for their sakes that they don't take too long as that we will be moved on and they'll end up with some douche who doesn't deserve the them we knew. I just keep trying to remind myself, and you should too, that the girl that left and seemed miserable for only the last few days of the relationship is not who we want to be with. We only want them back if they are the girl we originally saw ourselves growing old with, oh and we want them to be stronger and more committed to making a good thing work.

Exactly I would of stayed to fix things with my ex but she just wasnt invested in the relationship anymore, and that caught me by a complete surprise cause I actually thought things were looking up. Both our jobs were on the up and up, her son had just been cured of his cancer. I was getting more hours at work, her daycare was picking up. Oh by the way she was 38 so it wasn't like she was completely immature. Oh and get this she broke up with me through text message while she was downstairs and I was upstairs. How disrespectful can you be.

And what I dont understand is if I was the best guy she ever dated or fell in love with then why the heck was it so damn easy for her to move along. That's what bugs me, She never gave me any real closure or any real explanation as to why she wanted to end it.

She messaged you for reassurance that you were still there. If you want her back, take control of yourself. Go complete NC when she texts. And if you MUST reply, keep it short and answer the question. She is comfortable, she knows she has you if she needs you. Let her feel what it is like to not have you, let her see how good she had it with you. If you want her back, you need to make changes. Even if she doesn't come back, you will have stepped away with your dignity and pride. You are no ones doormat or safety net. I begged, I cried, I kept in little contact with my ex for FOUR months. He came back to me after I stopped contacting him and I started saying, "hey screw you for hurting me, I deserve better!". He left again, but even though most of us all feel pain and loss, be strong and never let them see it. Cry alone. She isn't worth those tears. One day you will look back at this when you are married and have a family... You will say, wow I wasted my time over that!? You can do this!

hi lauren,

thanks for the awesome response. wow that was uplifting. i needed that tonight like no other. you are right i should stop telling her i am here for her as a friend. she knows that deep down inside even if i don't say it. what other changes should i make?

This is it! Keep motivating yourself. She doesn't need you to say it, she knows it. As long as your making no contact, and your trying to enjoy and do the best with your life that you can, you are on the right path. I was an angel to my ex, I begged.. I said "I love you, come back when you are ready"... Did that happen.. Nope. He only came back when I changed my attitude and I was no longer letting him walk all over me. Like I said, if she texts you.. Reply short and only answer the question... And that's only if you HAVE to reply. Make it seem like you don't need her, because you really don't! Don't be her friend (are you really prepared to be that guy - I hope not). Stick up for yourself because you DO deserve better. Never let her see your pain or no that she has you whenever she wants. Goodluck! Keep posting, you will and can get through this. Take your dignity back. Look at all you did for her, and how she walked and has an "awesome life" now. Personally I think that's only to get to you, but who knows! Make your life awesome without her! Trust me, if she doesn't come back... Some girl is going to love you and treat you the ways she couldn't.

I think this is really good advice !! I also want to add in that you don't know one way or the other is she is with someone else. I know the source of pain that can bring you, but don't bring on tha pain for something you are not even sure of !! Hang in there, sunnyv !!!!

Great post, Lauren !! Very motivating !!

Sunny,

I have some thoughts. Her saying she is awesome doesn't mean anything. Sounds like a stock answer. Would it have been any easier if it had been "I am really good" or "great"? Those would have hurt too. But it sounds like something you say when people ask you something and of course they are positive. So don't anylize it too much my friend. Maybe too things were awkward since it has been a month or so. Just lay low again...I know it's hard but it is the best for now.

Im sorry for your pain and hope it is better somehow for you now.

You are hurting because she basically teased you. You, and others, need to understand what actions mean instead of what the words say. She wanted to see if you're still there pining over her, and you reassured her that you are.

Exactly. And "things are awesome" doesn't mean anything. Whaddaya think she's gonna do, show you all her cards?

The honest answer is actually more like, "Personal freedom [or the new boyfriend or whatever it is] really isn't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be." You know how I know that? Because that "new life" somewhere else or with someone else or doing other things never lives up to the dream. It just doesn't.