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I don't think I can deal with this anymore


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So I started dating a friend of 6 years for just over 3 months, Tom lives in the Netherlands and I live in Ireland. We have a lot of background together so please bare with me as I explain.

 

I met Tom on a forums board when I was 16, we ended becoming close friends. After dumping a different guy I was dating from the Netherlands I started having feelings for Tom at 17. The thing with Tom is that he's severely disabled, he has SMA(Spinal Muscular Atrophy) and his condition worsens as he ages. We ended up having a unsaid relationship together as we knew we both liked each other, but after a while I realised that I couldn't handle his disability and I distance myself from him. Naturally he's hurt that I rejected him. After that I had a few bad relationships and when I was 19 I realised that I loved him, and told him so, but he rejected me. I was really hurt as I never dealt with rejection before so it took me a long time to get over it. I would only then talk to Tom once in a while if we were both online at the same time.

 

In September 2008 I broke-up with I guy I dated for 8 months and had a bit of an epiphany about myself. A friend helped me realise a pattern I was doing and that I threw myself in whatever relationship came my way even though I'd end up practically hating the person I'm dating. So I'm finally comfortable and happy being single. I was busy with college and enjoyed life with my friends on nights out.

 

In January 2009 myself and Tom are talking to each other more frequently than usual, and he suddenly hits me with an "I love you" and apparently he always has. Obviously this stirs old emotions in me, and I kept brushing it off telling him that I've changed and that he probably (no offense to him) still feels for me because I was the only girl he ever got romantically involved with, despite nothing physical coming from it. I go mental for weeks because I can't stop thinking about him and finally came to the conclusion that I loved him too, and even jumped the gun by saying I was willing to move over to be with him blah blah. So things were going fine, I visited him 3 times this year and we got along so well, I never met anyone who understood me and my humor so much. First 2 visits I only kissed and made-out with him, and I felt, at the time, still physically attracted to him. The third visit we ended up making love. Because of his condition, I have to do all the work as his handicap is too severe for him to do anything.

 

Ever since the day we had sex it's like something changed, I become cold and distant from him. At one point I had a very minor panic attack while grocery shopping for him while he worked, the idea of moving to a completely different country with an alien language and culture finally scared the bejesus out of me. I wasn't as affectionate as I was before, and noticed that I would get a bit cranky or snappy at him. I don't know if I can actually deal with his condition. It's not JUST the sex, don't get me wrong, it's everything. I thought I could dedicate myself to him, he's such a wonderful and beautiful person that I want him to be happy, but maybe I'm far too selfish.

 

We kind of spoke about this together but I didn't give him a definite answer of how I feel as I was, and still am confused. He told me that he never expects me to move to the Netherlands, and even said that he hopes that I won't stay with him just out of guilt. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him or let his family down, but I think I can't carry on this relationship. It frustrates me even more that someone so ideal for me mentally is in such a physical state that I can't deal with.

 

Please help me, I'm going nuts!

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You are not treating Tom like an equal. You are treating him differently because he has a disability. if he were able bodied you would move on without all this guilt. You wouldn't hang around so as not to let him down. You think no -one else will look at Tom, you are his one shot.

The bottom line is, if you loved him, you wouldn't worry about his disability. He is not the guy for you. If he was able bodied he probably wouldn't be the guy for you either.

Break up with him. Let him find another love. You might be surprised how quickly he manages that.

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Your concerns and worries are realistic. Dont blame yourself for it. I think it is better to move on before the relationship gets too phsyical, otherwise one of you will really get emotionally hurt. Dont make guilt make you do something that you do not really want. Good luck.

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