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"Bully" for a Father


kat1983

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Sorry for this being so long..

 

Since I was a child, I have always been afraid of my father. He was the discipline enforcer and boy could his hand deal some stinging blows to the backs of my legs. My family always talked about how I was a lovely kid who could be taken anywhere and would never cause a scene - comments which baffled me since I seemed to always be doing wrong in my father's eyes eg: at a park I got a fright when the electronic swan-car I was in took off unexpectedly and I burst into tears.. dad took me out of it and smacked me purely for the fact that I had embarrassed him in public.

 

He stopped 'smacking' me for 'wrong-doings' when I was around 14-years old when we got in a heated argument and he begun throwing items within arms reach around the house or at me. As a teenager I didn't really know any better and I would argue back trying to voice my own opinions only to be talked over and not heard (which become a recurring thing year after year). This particular night I snapped; completely pushed to my limit. I actually walked right up to him and pushed him as hard as I could screaming something along the lines of, "I am not scared of you.." This came as a real shock to him, and I think to some degree actually upset him, although he never showed it - but he did 'back down' and that was that.

 

Dad is very negative and very domineering. If I was to turn around and walk into my room to avoid confrontation, he would follow me to keep it going. He would add in little comments like, "..your fat ass.." or "you are useless.." anything to attack me on a personal level, which I feel is to try to upset me so he feels like he's 'won'.

 

In my early 20's I came to realize that arguing with my dad is pointless. After growing tired of him talking over me I tried to explain my side of the story or how his comments made me feel. He replied with a, "..go on then - hurry up.." so I would begin talking, he didn't like anything I had to say so he begun rolling his eyes saying, "..yeah, yeah, yeah - whatever, whatever.." Also in my early 20's, I begun to speak calmly and not alter my voice (ie: not to elevate it when frustrated/angry), which seemed to make him even more angry and he would always be shouting at me. I would ask him to please stop shouting, to which he would yell, "I AM NOT SHOUTING.." Never felt so frustrated. I have never felt heard.

 

Even now, I'm 25-years old (and as sad as it sounds) still at home, and although I am working full-time have used my money to travel overseas since I cannot afford to move out on my own. Although I am at home, I am completely independent.

 

Tonight my parents were going out for dinner, so I went into the lounge to watch a DVD (music DVD).. in comes Dad telling me that it sounds like sh*t.. I had recently traveled overseas to see this particular band play and told him that at the arena's there were families going as if it were an 'event' and that I thought it was really nice to see.. well that comment was shot down with, "well they must be weird blimmin' families.." I calmly told him that maybe some people were more open-minded towards things than he was, which he replied with, "oh well you would know wouldn't you?" I said, "well that's what I saw," and he retorted with, "yeah? ..and look at your boring life.." I just couldn't be bothered by that point. Honestly, what does my so-called boring life have to do with anything?

 

I have worked in pretty good careers since leaving school.. I have traveled.. and he thinks my life is boring? I am very appreciative of the things I have achieved in my 25-years and realize there are a lot of people who are not as fortunate to have been able to do it.

 

My father is a 'bully' so to speak. He is not happy unless he has brought someone down. If it is not me, it is almost always my mother. He is very mean to her - and some of my family know it based on things she says, and I know she is not happy although she says she is. I think if they weren't together she would be lost. She has no interests, and the fact he constantly puts her down helps in her lack of motivation.

 

I have tried for years to find a truce with my Dad, but he always wants to be the bigger person and always tells me that I know nothing - almost like he thinks I'm inferior or too stupid to understand the world. In some ways I feel like I know more than him - mainly for the fact that I am open-minded about anything and everything as he will not learn new things or see things in any other way than what is in his head. You see, if you don't think like my father - you are wrong. If you like something - chances are he will hate it and you are again, wrong. I have no idea why he has the negative, over-powering attitude that he has - and I have come to terms with it, and know that that is just him.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 6-years, and are saving up to move into our own place next year, but I really wish I could move out sooner.

 

One thing I am afraid of (because I have a very strong personality) is that my father's attitudes/bitterness/negatively will recycle through me on to my own children. It terrifies me.

 

Does anyone else have a 'bully' as a father? I'm hoping someone can relate, and I'm really interested to hear how others handle situations that become one-sided.

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I have been through similar things. You can read my thread

 

 

I now live in a different country. And it is the most peaceful time of my life. Coming home is not like a horror movie anymore. Home should be a place one finds peace and security. I hated going home as a child/teenager. It was a horrible experience for me.

 

Numerous times I have forgiven him/had talks with him explaining. Things only changed briefly and always returned to the way they were. As a result I have lost all trust and respect for my father. Currently when I visit, I don't see him if possible. If I must see him, I refuse to engage in any conversation whatsoever and I refuse to even acknowledge him. I have no father. I am learning to make my peace with that.

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I'm sorry that you have such a poor relationship with your father. I do think however that staying at home until you're 25 was a major mistake on your behalf. If you're working full time, then personally I would move out right now. We all make choices, and one of your choices is to remain at home when it's not a good environment for you.

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I'm sorry that you have such a poor relationship with your father. I do think however that staying at home until you're 25 was a major mistake on your behalf. If you're working full time, then personally I would move out right now. We all make choices, and one of your choices is to remain at home when it's not a good environment for you.

 

I completely agree - although I worked full-time to travel, which is half the reason I am still at home.. my boyfriend has only been working full-time a year and a half after studying for 4-years so has been sorting his debts over this time.. moving out wasn't really an option as I could not afford to on my own - it is VERY expensive here, otherwise I would have done so in a heartbeat

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You need to speak to him in his own language. Just because he speaks english, doesn't mean he really understands you, Just like an arab cannot understand an irish speaking person. 2 languages, AND 2 dialects.

 

His refusal to listen is his way of accepting that he understands and agrees with what you are saying - but he will not admit it. Trust me, I do that all the time, it's my specialty and it drives my family nutso.

 

If you want the bullying behavior to stop, then INSTEAD of asking him to stop bullying you (which encourages further bullying), you need to rise above it. You either need to outwit him, or, on the other hand, belittle him by not letting anything he says get to you in any way whatsoever.

 

Negative behavior feeds on responses. Lack of response (or expected response) will starve it.

 

Play the game - but play to win.

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Thank you for your reply!

 

I notice that if I don't reply he will push me for a response. If I speak calmly, he will become more agitated. I think it is just a case of finding that median, but trying to figure out what that is will be the tricky part.

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I am really sorry to hear about the relationship with your father, and can understand where you are coming from. Like you, things change briefly and all is well.. and then the cycle restarts.. although it is frustrating and draining, I still endeavor to understand from his view point because I am sure there is something we are both doing that is causing the clash.. I am stubborn I guess, and always like to give something a chance before giving up completely - in your case (and I know it has been a different, yet similar scenario) you have exhausted all your options and I really respect you for making such a hard decision and glad you are at the most peaceful time of your life.

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I just have a story, no advice...

 

 

I have a bullying father as well. I can relate to your childhood as I began fighting back when I was 8 or 9 and my mother would have to come and rescue me because I would NOT back down. He would get increasingly angry that I would not back down and would not let him "win" the argument and would be hitting me in the face. I'd be crying and in pain but I would NOT leave. I'd be leaning against a wall, just taking it. My mom was afraid he would accidentally kill me and come in to send me upstairs and then they would fight for the rest of the night both about me (why are you hitting her? then it would move to "yes, she is a willful child" and by the end it was all my fault and I would be punished...)

 

I didn't completely stand up to my dad until I was 21 and had come home from college to find work. He started in on me after someone tried to break into the house, and I threatened him with a bottle of his own booze. I was ready to crack him over the head and consequences be damned. He backed away, realizing I was serious and not just going to stand and take it, now I was really going to defend myself. I called the cops on him. He has never tried to lift a hand to me again and only criticizes me verbally on the rare times I see him. He is proud of me but I can't do anything right, and all that.

 

It affected me heavily because I have learned that I have a strong need to make authoritarian male figures respect me. It's part of why I am who I am at work. It also affects my personal relationships - another reason why dating older men is not a very good idea for me. I tend to be a whole lot more confrontational with them, and they tend to have a natural tendency (based on life experience) to teach me "lessons" and I get REALLY upset about it.

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I'm sorry that this has been your experience with your father. I imagine that it would be hard from him to not get to you, but I agree that a bully only understands the language of a bully. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your own wellbeing. I understand that it is expensive to live on your own, but are there other options? How about moving in with a friend or sharing with a roommate? If there is a university nearby, graduate school students can make excellent roommates. Maybe you won't be able to save as much or as quickly for moving in with your boyfriend--but that's one of the choices. I'm glad you've had the chance to travel, but that was a choice, too--one that maybe has prolonged the need to remain dependent on your parents. All the best!

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I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I thought my dad was a bully too. If I still knew all that much about him, I'd probably still think that. Even though I see him often (with mum) I've completely disconnected from him.

 

When i was very little he just scared the heck out of me. He'd take me to go play at the park - and then yell at me because I was too scared to climb over the very high play equipment. Because I wanted to sit on the swing, rather than stand on the swing as he pushed really high. Because these things truly scared me and being scared was some sort of failure on my part.

 

He'd sit down and give me spelling and geography lessons from a very young age. To this day, I cannot spell to save my life and I'm crap at geography. I'm a straight A student otherwise. I'm certain its because he scared the life out of me trying to "teach" me those things that I just couldnt learn them. He'd just expect me to be able to spell without actually any teaching involved and then yell at me in that loud scary voice when I got it wrong. Made me feel worthless and stupid.

 

I was a shy kid and didnt find talking to strangers to be easy. He'd push me into it and then criticise me right in front of them and tell me off when I didn't do it right.

 

When we visited other friends of theirs, he'd make me sing. I hated it because I cannot carry a tune. It was just humiliating. But he'd shout at me in front of them until I did it.

 

He put so many expectations onto me. I didn't even like him as a person and yet I felt like I had to meet those expectations.

 

He was horrible to my mother. Calling her selfish (she's the most giving person - to her family - that you could imagine), calling her fat (in front of other people) - yelling at her in front of other people.

 

It was just dreadful.

 

When I tried to debate things with him (not even argue, just debate, because I was always intellectually curious and loved to debate) he'd shut me down in a second with a quick angry remark warning me not to keep talking.

 

I felt like my entire childhood was a lesson in humiliation, not being good enough, and being scared senseless.

 

When I was 16, the rule used to be that I was not allowed to go out on my own - ever. In limited circumstances, I could visit my friends.

 

I ached to go out for a walk on my own. One day, I lied to them (first time I'd lied like that) and said I was with friends when I was on my own, going for a lovely stroll. He called my friends and found out I wasnt with them. When I came home he was furious. He ended up throwing a steaming hot iron on the floor - which burnt a whole through the (rented apartment) carpet in exactly the shape of the iron. He said if I ever did anything "wrong" he would kill himself.

 

When we had fights - he would shout and yell. When he got angry he would lost all ability to string words together in a sentence. He just seemed like an animal to me. To the contrary I - like you - would remain very calm, talk in my normal voice - feel extremely superior in that moment - and just talk him in circles.

 

When I turned 22, I left my family a note, took all my things and left home for 3 years. I'd had enough. It was too much. it wasnt financially easy but it was important and worth it that I break away from that. Unless I left home I'd never really have gotten away from that mind f*** that he was (no doubt unintentionally - because there's no doubt he loved me) causing me.

 

It really changed him. He's never been the same. Doesn't even dare to argue with me or upset me in any way now. He's completely changed. It took me leaving them to achieve that.

 

Afterwards things have gotten slightly better, but only slightly. Sometimes I'll just randomly lose my temper at him for no real reason. He'll just stand there and take it now. I know his mind is working overtime as I tell him off with such feroicty and anger in my voice and such passion. I wonder if he's thinking "should I get angry too? No.. I can't.. I don't want to lose her again" or if he's thinking "did I do this to her? Is this my fault?" or if he's just thinking "what a cow"

 

I'm better now though. I think I've let the anger out. But it's still sooooooo hard for me to be near him or have much conversation with him. And I truly wonder - if he was gone - apart from being sad for mum, would I really be that upset myself?

 

I don't worry about passing things on to my kids. I'm never going to act that way with my kids. It just will not happen. I do fear screwing them up, but if I do, it will be in a completely unique way. I will not reenact his behaviour with them.

 

However, it has affected my life in other ways. When I was very, very, very young I got into a 3 yr relationship with a man much much much older than me. Luckily he was actually a good man and we're still friends. Luckily, he let me go saying "you deserve more than this and I'm keeping you from living your life".

 

After that I continued to have relationships with men older than me. Not nearly the same age difference, but about 5-8 years older each time. It's just what I instictively went for.

 

I learned lots from them but they were more lessons in how not to live your life and what not to accept from relationships.

 

After ending up in an extremely dark place before finally getting the time alone and by myself to heal and grow a bit - I finally feel like I'm living a life that's my own and healthy.

 

So yeah.. I do relate to having a bully for a dad.

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