Just wanted to put in one last moment here. I began with one level of awareness here and as I came to a new level experienced two things. One was that people seem to be on their own journeys at their own pace. And another was that as I came to a new understanding there was less support here. I think this to be natural now.
The short story for me is that I lost my partner and used to spend some time on this board. When that happened it seemed she was being immature and unreasonable. Over time I discovered that I was just as nuts as she is. And I began a learning process that I was changed by. Through that I was able to bring her back into my life. This process was not days, weeks, or months - but years.
So I want to tell you, it is possible. If you really...i mean really get your act together. But I believe it will not happen by itself. My belief now is that when people split it is because both are equally screwed up and neither knows what to do about it. Though the one who has been left has the power to change it. The one who leaves, less so. That's my belief.
Here are some thoughts that I have seen regularly on this forum that, from where I look now, seem to be ways of looking at things that stand in the way of getting that 'great' relationship back. I encourage you to discard these ways of thinking. While at the same time supporting and validating the folks who currently are in this frame of mind. I understand you too and you make sense given what you've been through. I've just seen different.
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No matter how you try to bend this situation, hon, it doesn't change the facts. She's gone.
I came accross another thread that talked of GIGS breakups. And my case seems to be a perfect example. All the symptoms just fit in right.
You broke up for a reason, because it wasn't meant to be.
Nc is for you.
NC will make my partner miss me.
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I'm not going to get into the details about why these thoughts seem to me not so helpful. I encourage you to find the answers for yourself. What I can tell you is that my belief is that any form of punishment, invalidation, or withholding does not lead to real love and healing. It is wounding that lead to the struggle and the separation. Continuing the hurt and inability to understand your partner can not get it back.
For a time, I think it's natural to believe that someone else may work things out better or that through withholding you can get a partner to 'want' to come back. This is usually the state of mind the leaver gets in and the leavee ends up with. At first. But my belief is that we choose each other precisely because of the problems we have with each other, as well as the good things. This is how I believe our minds seek to complete an uncomplete 'growing up'. And that taking rather than giving space doesn't solve anything.
So for all of you in great suffering here. I want to say I hear how much pain you are in and I have gone through this too. And I don't think it's fair or was supposed to be this way. But I believe this is the result of being mishandled by our parents more than what is happening today with our partners. Though I also believe it is directly related.
Some thoughts I have about that are..as natural as it is, let go of the blaming. Realize that as an adult nobody owes you anything. You've got to earn it (that's a hard one I think). And recognize that romance is a stage that gives way to a struggle. I don't think this is the natural order of things, but it's the world we live in. Learning to go beyond the struggle, you can climb out of the world and find the ability to give real love and healing which will in turn bring real love to you. The details are so complicated I can't get into it. But I wanted to put it out there, perhaps for those ambitious as I was to find the answers.
So with respect and kindness for those who suggest withholding as a 'strategy' for 'getting you back'...I recommend learning validation, mirroring, how to make your partner feel safe, and how to invite them to share. While at the same time giving up the belief that your own reality is the ultimate truth. It's my belief that the unconscious belief that ones own truth is also true for our partner is the core reason why things don't 'work'. And that only one of the partners has to do the work of getting beyond that. The other will be unavoidably compelled to follow if you really do the work. What may not be so apparent is the ways in which you are lacking. That's normal - those are your blind spots. But who doesn't want a really together partner? It's now my belief that if your partner leaves it means you are missing something important AND they are missing the ability to deal with it. Only one of you has to change to fix that.
That my partner left, I came to understand, meant I didn't have it together yet. Didn't matter that she didn't either. For a good long time, I believed that she had control over the situation because she was the one willing to walk away. But now I've seen different. She wanted that great relationship just as much as I did. Walking away was simply her best solution at the time for getting it. When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed.
Breaking up and moving on is the norm. I encourage you to go beyond the norm, even if it may seem at the moment that the choice isn't yours.
I believe it is.
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