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Thread: It can happen if you really get your act together

  1. #1
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    It can happen if you really get your act together

    Just wanted to put in one last moment here. I began with one level of awareness here and as I came to a new level experienced two things. One was that people seem to be on their own journeys at their own pace. And another was that as I came to a new understanding there was less support here. I think this to be natural now.

    The short story for me is that I lost my partner and used to spend some time on this board. When that happened it seemed she was being immature and unreasonable. Over time I discovered that I was just as nuts as she is. And I began a learning process that I was changed by. Through that I was able to bring her back into my life. This process was not days, weeks, or months - but years.

    So I want to tell you, it is possible. If you really...i mean really get your act together. But I believe it will not happen by itself. My belief now is that when people split it is because both are equally screwed up and neither knows what to do about it. Though the one who has been left has the power to change it. The one who leaves, less so. That's my belief.

    Here are some thoughts that I have seen regularly on this forum that, from where I look now, seem to be ways of looking at things that stand in the way of getting that 'great' relationship back. I encourage you to discard these ways of thinking. While at the same time supporting and validating the folks who currently are in this frame of mind. I understand you too and you make sense given what you've been through. I've just seen different.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------

    No matter how you try to bend this situation, hon, it doesn't change the facts. She's gone.

    I came accross another thread that talked of GIGS breakups. And my case seems to be a perfect example. All the symptoms just fit in right.

    You broke up for a reason, because it wasn't meant to be.

    Nc is for you.

    NC will make my partner miss me.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I'm not going to get into the details about why these thoughts seem to me not so helpful. I encourage you to find the answers for yourself. What I can tell you is that my belief is that any form of punishment, invalidation, or withholding does not lead to real love and healing. It is wounding that lead to the struggle and the separation. Continuing the hurt and inability to understand your partner can not get it back.

    For a time, I think it's natural to believe that someone else may work things out better or that through withholding you can get a partner to 'want' to come back. This is usually the state of mind the leaver gets in and the leavee ends up with. At first. But my belief is that we choose each other precisely because of the problems we have with each other, as well as the good things. This is how I believe our minds seek to complete an uncomplete 'growing up'. And that taking rather than giving space doesn't solve anything.

    So for all of you in great suffering here. I want to say I hear how much pain you are in and I have gone through this too. And I don't think it's fair or was supposed to be this way. But I believe this is the result of being mishandled by our parents more than what is happening today with our partners. Though I also believe it is directly related.

    Some thoughts I have about that are..as natural as it is, let go of the blaming. Realize that as an adult nobody owes you anything. You've got to earn it (that's a hard one I think). And recognize that romance is a stage that gives way to a struggle. I don't think this is the natural order of things, but it's the world we live in. Learning to go beyond the struggle, you can climb out of the world and find the ability to give real love and healing which will in turn bring real love to you. The details are so complicated I can't get into it. But I wanted to put it out there, perhaps for those ambitious as I was to find the answers.

    So with respect and kindness for those who suggest withholding as a 'strategy' for 'getting you back'...I recommend learning validation, mirroring, how to make your partner feel safe, and how to invite them to share. While at the same time giving up the belief that your own reality is the ultimate truth. It's my belief that the unconscious belief that ones own truth is also true for our partner is the core reason why things don't 'work'. And that only one of the partners has to do the work of getting beyond that. The other will be unavoidably compelled to follow if you really do the work. What may not be so apparent is the ways in which you are lacking. That's normal - those are your blind spots. But who doesn't want a really together partner? It's now my belief that if your partner leaves it means you are missing something important AND they are missing the ability to deal with it. Only one of you has to change to fix that.

    That my partner left, I came to understand, meant I didn't have it together yet. Didn't matter that she didn't either. For a good long time, I believed that she had control over the situation because she was the one willing to walk away. But now I've seen different. She wanted that great relationship just as much as I did. Walking away was simply her best solution at the time for getting it. When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed.

    Breaking up and moving on is the norm. I encourage you to go beyond the norm, even if it may seem at the moment that the choice isn't yours.

    I believe it is.

  2. #2
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    I love this thread!
    I also believe that if you can make your partner share your growth with you, things might change.

  3. #3
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    But, how many years you took to make it work again?

  4. #4
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    So if your partner leaves you because they think they can do better, your missing the all great and mighty ability to prove your the best person for your partner so that they have no reason to doubt it?

    If she wanted that great relationship just as much as you did, she would not have walked away, just as you did not walk away.

    Of course were all missing something, because no one is perfect. If believing your missing something allows you to move on from your past relationships, thats great. Maybe you have just discovered another great way to help others get past their ex's.

    misguiding people to believe they can change things they cant change is like telling them "NC will make my partner miss me."

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  6. #5
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    here here jasper.

    I have come to the exact same conclusion of myself through therapy and self awareness. Everything we do or don't do in a relationship is the product of our parental upbringing. We recreate and relive our childhood fears/experiences through our adult relationships. We look for partners who mirror our childhood hurt/fear.

    Most people won't get it and don't want to get it, because it requires a greater level of self awareness than most people are preared to face.

    Excellent thread and post, one of the best i've read here

  7. #6
    Gold Member SighSob's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by atelis
    here here jasper.

    I have come to the exact same conclusion of myself through therapy and self awareness. Everything we do or don't do in a relationship is the product of our parental upbringing. We recreate and relive our childhood fears/experiences through our adult relationships. We look for partners who mirror our childhood hurt/fear.

    Most people won't get it and don't want to get it, because it requires a greater level of self awareness than most people are preared to face.

    Excellent thread and post, one of the best i've read here
    It seems to me that a lot of ENAers are a little too serious over breakups...."go see a counselour"...."see a therapist"....."childhood fears"....

  8. #7
    Bronze Member twomonks's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=SighSob;3434877]It seems to me that a lot of ENAers are a little too serious over breakups...."go see a counselour"...."see a therapist"....."childhood fears"....

    Well you are still young SighSob, sometimes these realizations come later in life when all this becomes more meaningful.

  9. #8
    Bronze Member twomonks's Avatar
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    jasper01,

    i agree with everything you are saying.. but i am not convinced that understanding oneself and being open to the other (communication) will bring your ex back.. as it appears happened for you.

    in my case, i think there is a point of no return. my ex has moved on in the 3 months, not willing to look at his pain and fears. how can you address that with someone who is not willing to go there?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by twomonks
    jasper01,

    i agree with everything you are saying.. but i am not convinced that understanding oneself and being open to the other (communication) will bring your ex back.. as it appears happened for you.

    in my case, i think there is a point of no return. my ex has moved on in the 3 months, not willing to look at his pain and fears. how can you address that with someone who is not willing to go there?
    I agree. Also, not every relationship fails because both sides were at fault. There are plenty of relationships which fail because one person is causing the majority of the problems. Often there is one person who wants to work things out and the other person just continues on destroying the relationship...and they have the same pattern of destruction in each and every relationship. So while I think everyone benefits by looking into their own behaviours and actions during a relationship...I don't think that in every case both sides can equally fix themselves to make the union viable...sometimes one person needs to fix themself a whole lot more than the other person in order to make the relationship viable...and it is often the people who are MOST at fault for the relationship ending who are the ones LEAST likely to make honest to goodness changes. The ones who are least at fault will likely look at themselves and change the part that needs changing..but the reality is that this was likely not the main reason for the relationship going south. It is kind of like in school..the good students vs the bad students...the good students getting grades of 80-85 will likely strive even harder to improve and be the best they can be...the students flunking out or barely scraping by will make the bare minimum in effort or none at all.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Brownstone322's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cruzer
    If she wanted that great relationship just as much as you did, she would not have walked away, just as you did not walk away.
    This is one of the great simplistic myths that permeates this board. This is exactly the kind of thing, I suspect, that the original poster was referring to.

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