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Thread: It can happen if you really get your act together

  1. #21
    Silver Member Thornbirds18's Avatar
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    I agree that no relationships are the same and breaking up isn't as simple as "if he/she loves you he/she won't leave" or "if they left they're not meant to be yours" etc. Things can be complicated.

    In my case, the long distance part accounts for about 70% of the reasons for him to choose his ex because she's willing to relocate back to his place while I'm willing but not able to. He couldn't leave his daughter, family, house, and job behind. I know that he loves me deeply although he loves her too. But I can't give up my job although he said he doesn't mind to support the family alone for a short while. I was scared of being dependent on anybody financially, and I was a little bit snobbish. I decided buying a house myself in my city and complained about my worries of living in poverty with him if I can't find an equivalent promising job in his city. Men have strong egoes and when a woman worries about him not being able to provide for the family in a decent way they are hurt. I feel sorry about what I said or did, although it's true that I can't afford to do many things I want to if I get married to him, relocate back, and not able to find an equivalent job - I don't want to do anything just for a minimum wage because of my pride. I have business ideas but businesses might fail...

    My point is, now he's gone, not because he fell out love. But I can't do anything to get him back, instead, only wishing him the best if he chooses to be with her. More or less I feel like he chooses her not just out of love but also convenience. But I really don't care much now. I told him I'm willing to move back if he wants to work out this relationship. But apparently he doesn't bother to try because if he chooses to be with me either of us has to do some severe sacrifices in order to be together.

    A lot of people don't like challenges. If you can achieve similar outcomes with two paths, if one is difficult while another one is easier you will choose the easier one, right? For me I like challenges but for him he just wants to raise his daughter, have his mother, a stable job, a companion, a wife, and a mother of his children. He doesn't have any ambition to advance his career or become more financially sound. Very different from me. That woman, his ex, is the opposite to me, so very similar to him. She's very submissive - she moved away because of the pressure from her mother (As an adult I would never give up on my love due to the pressure from anybody), not having a good job, not having a good income, doesn't have ambitions, likes to depend on people financially (lived with him for several months because she didn't want to find an apartment before she moved away - there are plenty of apts with short-term leases. Now she's moving back but also wants to live with her friend for a while before finding an apartment or possibly living with him again), and they didn't pursue each other once she left (I pursue things if I know they're what I want and nothing can be too challenging for me).

    So maybe they're the best match, who knows. I just have to abandon my idea of pursuing and trying hard in relationships. They don't work well in this type of business.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    I agree with this. I encourage people to move on and take care of themselves if they were dumped for the reasons stated above.

  3. #23
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    Very happy for you, my friend. Thanks for the hope and inspiration! Much happiness to you.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    Honest Opinion

    There is actually quite a bit to unpack here. You have your own opinion, and of course that deserves respect, but I have some differing opinions in response.

    There seems to be an unfortunate conflation of the terms "moving on" with "punishment" here. In your list of unhelpful phrases, you note No matter how you try to bend this situation, hon, it doesn't change the facts. She's gone. I actually think this is probably one of the most helpful statements for a lot of people after just receiving the news that they have been dumped. There is a lot of denial. If only I can talk to her and make her see we are good together, if only she can come to her senses, if only she can get rid of that other guy who is not as good to her as I am, if only ... Healing cannot happen without looking at reality.

    I make this distinction because I absolutely believe in moving heaven and earth to work with a partner when you are IN a relationship. A relationship is an agreement, implicit or explicit, that the two of you will work on building the connection together. When one person decides to leave the agreement, it can be very detrimental to still operate like you are in a relationship.

    I am actually of the Imago, and cognitive-behavior therapy, school of pyschological thought where I recognize the key role the past plays in present relationships. Then, the task for us to is know our history, understand the role it plays, and to grow up (as you say) and start to take responsibility for improving our own future. Within a healthy relationship, we must balance the understandable, healthy desires for validation, mirroring, and unconditional support with independence, space, and autonomy. But this is in a relationship.

    When a person breaks up with me, I feel it's best for ME to immediately start moving on. I define moving on as moving through the stages of grief and finding acceptance that the relationship is over .... and learning as much as I can from it. Interestingly, I don't think moving on precludes reconciliation. In fact, I think lasting reconciliation is possible once growth occurs, the feelings of resentment subsides, and regular contact and attraction is re-established. We never know where things will grow and sometimes with growth we realize that we grow apart during a break up.

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  6. #25
    Silver Member gee's Avatar
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    broken34, good stuff! I couldn't have said any better!!!

    It's all about timing. If the relationship breaks for any reason than it just wasn't our time to be together. It's a tough pill to swallow at first but we have to do what we have to do to improve and keep moving forward. NC has played a major part in my healing!

    To Jasper...good stuff fella. Congrats and keep up the good work.

    gee

    P. S. I'm with you, but it's been raining in Boston allllll week! ugh! Tomorrow looks like it's clearing up fo some beautiful weather.

  7. #26
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    Ms Darcy- I hear ya, and you make sense. Thanks for sharing.

    I didn't really explain my sense about it so I'll try real fast..The words 'it doesn't change the facts. She's gone' seem to me to be an expression from one person to another that they alone have direct access to the ultimate truth. I believe this is a natural posture for lots of us to have given what we've been through and I'm not putting anyone down. I've just seen that way of thinking has to be unlearned to begin the process of growing up.
    Last edited by jasper01; 05-29-2009 at 10:56 PM.

  8. #27
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    Thank you, Jasper, for posting this!

    The first thing my ex said to me, a week after contacting me and asking to reconcile, was "you're at a good place" and I responded, "I know I am". He freaked himself out and distanced again, but I was patient and left him with love. The greatest 'validation' I got from him contacting me after 8 months (to reconcile, I found out), was finding out that he never stopped loving me, he just couldn't, and can't do ALL of it right now. Long story, check out my ADHD post and you will understand, but I now understand patience, after going through therapy, working on myself, and yes, getting on meds that I've needed for YEARS. I'm in a great place and I know that he will be back when HE is ready. When I had met up with him 5 months after breaking up, we went for a hike and talked about a lot of things, life, etc. He told me then that he hoped that he could get to where I was. I told him that he could. I approached the topic of reconciling. He contacted me 3 months later saying that he wanted to contact me when he could back his words with actions, and that that was the time. After a great week, he realized he wasn't at the point that he could, and I respect that. The greatest thing you can do for yourself is to create a new you, a new life. All things seem brighter, and you never know what will happen the next day -- make sure that you realize that you can not change anything outside yourself...

  9. #28
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    I am glad to read your story.

  10. #29
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    Jaspar,


    I have read through your post many times. I find it interesting to say the least. The main ideas have been proposed before (as mentioned).



    "It's now my belief that if your partner leaves it means you are missing something important AND they are missing the ability to deal with it. Only one of you has to change to fix that.

    That my partner left, I came to understand, meant I didn't have it together yet. Didn't matter that she didn't either. For a good long time, I believed that she had control over the situation because she was the one willing to walk away. But now I've seen different. She wanted that great relationship just as much as I did. Walking away was simply her best solution at the time for getting it. When I was finally able to validate her reality, that was what turned it around. And it didn't happen all at once. But I do see looking back that there was no other way for either of us once I changed."


    I do have a couple of questions here.

    Missing something important, in what way? In completing them? The other's ability to deal with this and when you change, their ability to deal does not matter? Why? They do not have to change for the relationship to go better?

    Walking away was her best solution in obtaining a great relationship. I believe I understand the WAS's reasons for leaving as well as anyone, to say they leave to get that great relationship, with whom? An unknown someone? So, her envisioned and desired great relationship was outside of the one you shared?

    I do believe that most WAS do what they feel compelled to do, leave. They see no alternative. I fully understand and have compassion for it. That does not make it rational. Because one person's perspective is totally different from another's, does not make both of their ways of thinking equally functional. Basing your view of reality (interpretation by the mind of the stimulis created by the senses) on images of what you need the truth to be, is dysfunctional and usually leads to great emotional suffering.

    Can you complete someone else's dysfunctional and irrational ways in a intimate relationship? Yes, it can happen. I lived it for 20+ years and had little problem with it. But it took very little to have her go over the edge that she was close to.

    Without a change on the part of both parties, the connection between the two is still masked and may lead to more wounding.

  11. #30
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    Thanks, GWE! It's been a long road to get to this 'calm', but I wouldn't change it for anything!

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