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Thread: It can happen if you really get your act together

  1. #11
    Bronze Member twomonks's Avatar
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    brownstone,
    i dont really understand what you are saying here.. can you explain more?

    thx

  2. #12
    Silver Member becca0194's Avatar
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    Great post. I would just like to add my 2 cents in. I think many look at NC as a game. I suppose to some it could be used in that way. I think the purpose of it and the reason many use it is because...

    1) your partner broke up with you and doesn't want contact. It is one way of respecting their wishes.

    2) NC does take out a lot of the drama filled emotion that can transpire after a break up.

    3) After a break up a "dumpee" needs to take care of only themselves. To go NC and stop a pattern of getting rejected over and over, is a smart thing to do to help yourself heal.

    I think if done correctly and for the RIGHT reasons, NC is healthy. It helps give you the time to look at the areas that you need to work on with yourself. I don't think there is a person on the getting back together board (who is in a NC mode) that wouldn't be glad to start making contact again if the "dumper" made contact and was interested in slowly recovering the relationship.

  3. #13
    Gold Member OrangeMoon's Avatar
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    Yes..sometimes people run when they know they have actually found what they were looking for..but cant bear the thought of that..they run, because the closeness overwhelms them.

    A lot of people ran where they should have stayed...they weren't able to cope..especially when their mate is different from what they would have pictured for themselves

    But if the one who left does not feel the same as you do..feels saver with other options out there..etcetera..You just cant force them back in your life just because you validate their feelings.

    Jasper..your girl wanted you back in her life...that sparkle has always been hiding below the surface of indifference, hurt or whatever... At some point you sparked that again in her..and she started believing again...but that could only happen when she was ready for that..

    and yes..than years have to go into this to achieve this...years and a good portion of luck that she had not succeeded with someone else..Who can wait for that? No one can really...

    And that is why the NC-route is preached, the moving on is preached..the heal thyself is preached..what other option is there. You do the things you are ready for and able to do.

    For me..i finally know..full well and in my heart that my ex will never forget about me ...never..no matter how much he tried..he will not. i am too remarkable for that, too loving..i have been so 'there' in his existence. and it is not something i am fooling myself about..i just know.

    Now after all of this time i can finally see this. and i will never forget him either..but at some point you just have to accept that if someone runs from you twice, you have got to let them go at some point.

    I am at peace with this. and when my time comes..some other cute and loving guy will warm my heart if my ex decides for himself that he cant come back into my life.

    jasper..you were right in this..no matter if i got dumped..we both were very weak people. so no one was at fault really. its forgiven..myself included.

    No regrets..just love..

    So now its time to go outside again and enjoy the beautiful weather

    Who is joining me?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Brownstone322's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by twomonks
    brownstone, i dont really understand what you are saying here.. can you explain more?
    Yeah, sure.

    It might seem perfectly logical that someone who wants to be with you wouldn't leave you, but don't be so sure that's true. It's just not always that simple.

    Sometimes they leave because you're not the person you once were, or because you're not the person they need you to be, or because you're not contributing to the relationship the way you once did, or because you're not helping to move the relationship forward as you both grow. They want the relationship to improve -- and they want you in it -- but they reach a point where they've given up. They leave out of frustration, hopelessness and hurt. They feel as though they want to be with you, but, at the same time, they can't be with you.

    Before my girlfriend left (for reasons like those, more or less), we had openly talked about living apart. In fact, I had talked about being the one who should leave. I love her with all my heart, but I knew the relationship was broken, and I knew that only a separation could fix it. I didn't just want to be with her -- I wanted to be happy with her, and it's not the same thing.

    I never had any intentions of abandoning her, and I was going to be sure her financial and domestic interests were looked after, but I knew that time apart would probably be the best way to bring us back together for good. In the end, she's the one who actually did it. But the reasons are complex, and "doesn't wanna be with you" hardly captures the moment; we're not teen-agers jumping to new interests.

    Bear in mind, though, that what I've described might not apply when a breakup is about infidelity or deceit or abuse, and it might not apply to shorter relationships. If someone left you for someone else, maybe that speaks for itself. But even then, he/she might not have looked for greener grass had your relationship been in good order, and it's never too late to get your house back in order.

    Oh, by the way, any statement to the effect of "was/wasn't meant to be" is pretty worthless too.
    Last edited by Brownstone322; 05-29-2009 at 10:31 AM.

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  6. #15
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    This is straight out of Imago relationship theory. It's good stuff. I was able to see a lot of patterns of behavior explained in it. Even better, the therapists trained in it (like Al) give concrete ways to do better in a relationship. It's worth learning even if you don't get back together.

    If anyone is interested:
    link removed
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  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by twomonks
    jasper01,

    i agree with everything you are saying.. but i am not convinced that understanding oneself and being open to the other (communication) will bring your ex back.. as it appears happened for you.

    in my case, i think there is a point of no return. my ex has moved on in the 3 months, not willing to look at his pain and fears. how can you address that with someone who is not willing to go there?

    Hi twomonks- Will share just a tiny bit of what I learned in the 'how to do' department for this particular situation as I went through this. He's with someone else now, but as someone so deftly put it to me once, 'If he picked you, he's not going to pick a good girl'. And begin with fixing you. Time spent focusing on the work he is not doing is putting off doing the work on fixing you. When he sees you are changing all bets are off. 'So you have a new friend. I'd be interested to hear about her if you'd like to share'. Invite, mirror, validate. Become an expert at understanding his world though his eyes and make him feel heard by sharing your understanding back with him. Start small and work up to the important stuff. People love being mirrored. They don't realize your doing it and will begin to think how interesting you seem to be (wink).

    To everyone else. Love hearing your feedback and your theories! (and learn to show genuine appreciation for his sharing of his reality!)

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Tired Tiger's Avatar
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    jasper01, thanks for this thread. This forum is often woefully lacking in legitimate discussion on the complexities of reconciliation. In fact, I wonder why so many who choose to post in this particular forum even bother - other than to project their own negativity on others. But, I digress... I'm assuming you've been reading Harville Hendrix? I believe he's the one who coined the 'Imago' term. Good stuff for those willing to be introspective.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Tired Tiger
    jasper01, thanks for this thread. This forum is often woefully lacking in legitimate discussion on the complexities of reconciliation. In fact, I wonder why so many who choose to post in this particular forum even bother - other than to project their own negativity on others. But, I digress... I'm assuming you've been reading Harville Hendrix? I believe he's the one who coined the 'Imago' term. Good stuff for those willing to be introspective.
    I did read Hendrix rather late in the game. My experience was I didn't quite get what he was saying until I lived it myself. Then it made sense.

    Aldonza- I think Al Turtle is a special kind of genius. Thanks for posting those.

  10. #19
    Silver Member Thornbirds18's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by twomonks
    jasper01,

    i agree with everything you are saying.. but i am not convinced that understanding oneself and being open to the other (communication) will bring your ex back.. as it appears happened for you.

    in my case, i think there is a point of no return. my ex has moved on in the 3 months, not willing to look at his pain and fears. how can you address that with someone who is not willing to go there?
    Right, how can you improve yourself, communicate, while the other person doesn't have any intention to even talk to you?! In that situation, NC is the best way for me to move on, forget, and tend my life, no matter how much I still want my ex back. I just have to force myself to push him out of my life as well so that I can heal and maintain my dignity. It takes two to tango so one-sided efforts don't go anywhere.

  11. #20
    Silver Member Thornbirds18's Avatar
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    My ex dumped me because his ex wanted to get back with him. In that case my heart was broken. Didn't want to lose him I tried to be understanding, encouraging him to talk to her or even date with her to find out which woman he loves more. But guess what, I couldn't bear the pain that he told me he IS going to see her (just to see her to find out if expectation matches reality, not sleeping together or whatever) indeed. I sent an emotional email to him wishing him never told me the truth and from then on I've never heard from him. Apparently he's either processing the complicated information alone, seeing her, or forgetting me because he said I'm not emotionally stable to deal with this matter. Later on attempted to show my patience, love, care, and understanding, but never got any response. So I gave up and now I'm on NC because I respect his preferences of not talking to me, possibly forever.

    For me I think the reconnection needs to be done if you have strong will power not to lose your temper and patience when things don't go the way you want. So to speak, in order to invite, mirror, and validate, you need to know how to separate your heart and your brain.

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