"I miss your mama"

So should I ignore the fact that my eight year old came home from dinner with my ex tonight (not her father) and told me that when she was leaving, he hugged her and with tears in his eyes whispered in your ear:

"I miss your mama".

She whispered back "She misses you too".

I still haven't spoken to him.

Should I hold the NC I've kept up for nearly two months? Or break it based on the fact that he's visiting with my children? (I have been texting)

I'm worried that speaking with him will just give me false ideas....

Any opinions?

I don't think you can really do NC while he's seeing your kids, it puts the kids in a really bad position as go-betweens if they're having contact with both of you while you're not having contact with each other. Is your daughter hoping that you guys get back together? Do you think that letting her see him when he's saying things like that is encouraging her to think that you definitely will? I don't know the details of the situation. Just be careful...I would at least talk to him and tell him that he needs to be careful making comments like that to the children, since I'm sure neither of you want to confuse or hurt them any more than they're already being affected by your break-up...

I have been communicating with him via text. The children have been calling him at will...and not doing any go-between for us....although I think it's inevitable that they may talk about what happens when they visit.....

Really don't know how to handle this situation....

Not even clear on his motivations for visiting them....(guilt)?

They said they had a lovely time and he was very appropriate & didn't ask anything about me other than 'how is your mom doing' blah blah....

He does have a new gf but did not mention her to the kids....(good)!

OKay, NC is no contact, texting is contact. You've previously said that you wouldn't mind him back. He has a girlfriend but is having dinner with your girls and telling them that he misses you.

It seems to me that you need to sort this out once and for all. Ring him, ask him out and tell him what you feel. If you do not get the answer you are looking for, tell him that he needs to cut contact with you and your daughters. To go on like that is inappropriate to his girlfriend and is causing you to feel like this.

This situation should be black and white, he cannot have his girlfriend and still have you and your daughters. Pick one or the other, or you are just going to end up going round the same circle you are going now.

Yeah, it sounds to me like he's using your daughter to get to you, which is absolutely not okay. If you really feel like it's necessary for him to continue to see your children, I think it's appropriate to make a condition of that that he not say ANYTHING about you or your relationship to them. That includes saying that he misses you, because that's only going to make them think he might be about to come back.

I also think it's appropriate to ask him what his motivations are for continuing to see your kids. You're their mother, you have a right to know why the people who are in their life want to be there...

OKay, NC is no contact, texting is contact. You've previously said that you wouldn't mind him back. He has a girlfriend but is having dinner with your girls and telling them that he misses you.

 

It seems to me that you need to sort this out once and for all. Ring him, ask him out and tell him what you feel. If you do not get the answer you are looking for, tell him that he needs to cut contact with you and your daughters. To go on like that is inappropriate to his girlfriend and is causing you to feel like this.

 

This situation should be black and white, he cannot have his girlfriend and still have you and your daughters. Pick one or the other, or you are just going to end up going round the same circle you are going now.

I agree with keyman. If he was not with this new girlfriend any more, it might be acceptable to say he was missing you, but NOT to your daughter - that's a bit cruel (although I'm sure he doesn't mean it to be).

Also, isn't his contact with your children very sporadic? Do they miss him? What happens if he carries on seeing them and wants to introduce them to his new girlfriend??

Unfair on you, your daughters AND the new girlfriend like keyman says. I would be tempted just to stop contact altogether. You could text and say that will be it, no more contact, and it's too upsetting for the girls to visit and you don't think it appropriate when there is someone else on the scene.

The fact that he has a new girlfriend means that there is nothing you can do.

What you do have to do, however, is decide if you want him to remain in your childrens lives. I agree with the above posts that cutting all ties is the best action for you to be able to move on now and you said before in a previous thread that they didn't have a particularly close bond with your ex. However if, for whatever reason, you want him to remain in their lives then you should maintain very LC.

I appreciate so much the non judgemental and very honest opinions and advice here. I see a lot that even if he doesn't MEAN he doesn't want to 'get back together'....he risks leaving my daughter AND me with that painful impression...I have ONLY been texting him briefly in regards to visiting the girls, and have said nothing outside this context.

He texted me again today, a warm congratulations on a new job offer the girls told him about last night. I simply thanked him.

BUT - I am going to suggest a meeting in a public place for the following purpose:

To let him know that although I think it's great he sees the girls, he needs to be committed to them (in other words - not disappear from their life) and he needs to make sure hes visiting for him & them....not me.

Also - I will let him know he should not say things - even sweet things like "i miss your mom" to the girls lest he leave them with the wrong impression.

I will finally let him know that although I appreciate that he is suffering the loss of our close friendship and bond, and wishes I would just "get over it" so we could go on and be friends....I am not ready for that, and that I wish to continue no contact for as long as I need in order to heal. He needs to realize that contacting me, especially in friendly ways, only stands to do me harm.

I know he will suffer because we're not speaking, but I can't just be his friend and ignore my own suffering - now can I?

Believe me folks, my intention is NOT to get back together. I do NOT want to hear ANYTHING about his 'new life' whatsoever. I just want to let him know that I'm not trying to punish him by avoiding contact, but he really needs to respect my need for space and time.

Once I am fully and completely over him (probably in about 6 months I figure) I will let him know that I hope we can resume a nice friendship, where the details of his life will not be a torment for me to learn.

If you're wondering if I'm strong enough? I am. Am I sure this is what I want. Yes.

I really am sure.

Thank you all so much for your genuinely valuable advice. It is so hard to see when you're messed up the way I am....you all have created so much clarity for me.

Me & my children appreciate your help.

You certainly seem strong enough to me.

I think you are right in wanting to meet up with him to discuss the concerns you have. One way or another his answers will help you make a decision as to whether or not he stays in your childrens lives. As you say he needs to be committed to them and be doing it for them and for no other reason.

I certainly think you are taking a very wise approach to this. I've been there and am there again and sometimes it is very difficult to think with a clear head when you are suffering. You are doing brilliantly!!