"Don't Be a Patsy"--My Grandmother is One!

You know those commercials where the woman hovers over her daughter and husband, checking pockets as they go out the door, patting on the head, basically treating them like babies? My grandma is 100 times worse! Btw, she's always been this way, it's not old age! She was hospitalized in her 30s for having a "nervous breakdown" (no she never worked or drove).

She gets into these anxious, hysterical fits before my cousin comes home from school (she "babysits" him even though he goes to school closer to his house than ours)...she's so concerned about what he's going to eat! He's already obese and his parents don't want him to eat dinner with us because he will eat a second dinner with them. (She lives with my mom and me)

Still my grandma freaks out because she wants to make him a personalized dinner every night. She gets everything ready hours before he gets here and waits by the door frantically, often going out to check if he's coming up the street! My cousin is not a little wimpy mess. He is a big guy and can handle his own.

He's about to be a freshman in high school and knows how to take care of himself (exceptionally well ---he is a GATE--gifted and talented---kid and a good cook, to boot).

Anyway, today she cried and screamed because there was "nothing to make my cousin" (our cupboard is FULL of FOOD...she is an Italian grandmother). I told her there was plenty to eat and to wait until he gets home for him to find something.

She finally baked him a year-old frozen pizza (when she could have made anything else) and agonized over it the whole time. She wanted to blame ME for the fact that she burned it as she sobbingly poured Orange soda for my cousin as he sat in her plus lazyboy in front of the TV.

She is a MARTYR! She offers my cousin MY THINGS, MY MOM'S THING, etc. just to look good. Often times she goes to extreme lengths to impress people even at the cost of us!

SHE DRIVES US NUTS! She reads our mail, tampers with our laundry, and is constantly following us around. I WILL SAY IT AGAIN--SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY. No, she does NOT have dementia. Her doctor tells us time and time again that SHE IS HEALTHY. Still she tells everyone that she's sick and "can't" do anything. People who don't know her feel sorry for her but we know she's making stuff up to get attention.

What kind of mental illness does she have? IT IS NOT old-age related, as my mom and aunts tell me she has been this way since she was a young woman!

I should add, we have sent her to counseling. She stopped going. We want her to do ANYTHING...even watch TV...but she refuses. Then when she thinks we're not looking, she turns on the TV and watches the news, screams at the TV, and starts cussing about Obama. Then ends up getting into big fights with us because she's all worked up by what she's watching on TV!

I would try to get her to a doctor, but I'd bet OCD of some sort. There are many different kinds and one can be simple as hard core set in their ways. Counseling is too easy to get out of, I would try a psychiatric doctor. They can prescribe medicine and be a bit more forceful. I hope this helps.

I think you know this already, but given that Granny's always been this way, your chances of getting her to change are zero. That means you get to pick the best strategies for dealing with her, and on days when compassion and humor are outside your reach, you can always opt to leave the house.

Consider that you're the one who is youthful with plenty of options and opportunities beyond the confines of your present living quarters. Permitting yourself to become too focused on Grandma is a trap--it means you need enough focus on other things to spring yourself out of it.

The more attention paid to someone acting out, the bigger the payoff for them. The more Grandma bothers you, the bigger the message that you're focused where you don't need to be.

In your corner.

Thanks for the replies. I was mostly just venting and curious about what disorders she has, if any. I can't express just how annoying she is.

And yes, I know I could move out...I suppose. Although, quite frankly, I was laid off from my teaching job and lucky to have a place to live right now. But that's why I've been more focused on her...she's always in my face. It gets tiring to go to the library everyday and I don't have much money to spend to go other places.

I guess I just have to avoid her as much as possible. I just needed to vent!

I understand, and I can also appreciate that few people have the option of moving these days.

The problem with old people is that they can be as manipulative as children, only they're better at it. Since you know this about Grandma, why not just use your psychological training to outsmart her instead?

Try experimenting with a 'stupid and cheerful' act. It's like Teflon. Nobody can press your buttons, and everything rolls right off you. Instead of criticizing Grandma, you can just pretend you have no idea she's nuts. Notice the difference in her when you play along and offer her encouragement rather than resist her and treat her as an adversary.

Why not use your magic teaching wand? Start thanking Grandma. Make her feel valued and special so she'll stop acting out for attention. Tell her she's fabulous for taking such great care of nephew. Give her some control over some small piece of territory, like the pantry. Ask her to list the foods she wants stocked in the house and keep them available. Its really no skin off anyone's back to humor her that way. Contrast compassion and kindness during quiet times with complete ignorance (and preferably absence) during her temper tantrums. Pretend you never heard then, just lock your bedroom door.

When you adopt your teaching mode, you won't feel any need to take Grandma's bait and fight with her. You can offer your own bait instead. When Grandma gets attention and reward for being a 'good' roommate but gets completely ignored whenever she acts like an idiot, she'll feel less inclined to alienate herself. You'll feel more in control and less at the mercy of her meltdowns. They won't bother you because you've stopped reacting to them. (Of course you'll need to suffer a period when she ramps them up a bit because they no longer 'work'.)

If it's any comfort, you'll be able to look back on this time in your life with pride. When Grandma is gone someday, you'll hold no regrets for having treated her as a sibling rival--you'll be confident that you did your best to humor her intelligently and you'll be a hero for giving everyone a win and making all your lives better during this historically stressful time.

In your corner.

That would be like living my g-ma. OMG. Which I never have except for a short stay while she recovered from a surgery. OMG. lol.

I like to call it the "Catholic Granmere" syndrome - the "sickness". lol. Not being serious here - it's no sickness at all, IMO it's a finely perfected manipulation learned over many years in those great big Catholic families. Pulling strings left and right with all those kids and community.

Oh, we could really swap stories. But how do I deal with it? Honestly, I keep a lot of space between us because it's not something that I could handle full time without needing a lot of vents myself.

When seeing her or during the many phone calls (most detailing how none of her grandchildren call her and how hard things are for her, ALWAYS) - I keep it really light, honestly. Lots of jokes, lots of deflecting and lots of changing the subject. And I try to learn what I can from her.

Yes, she can be hysterical and drive me nuts. But she is also really smart, and has a lighting quick humor that goes over my head a lot of times, she's fiercely devoted and in love with her family, she always looks gorgeous and in style somehow, and she makes the best tourtiere in the whole world (and a whole lot of other fantastic food that could get a corpse drooling).

We only get a certain amount of Grandma's so..look for the good. Sorry this may come accross simplistic, but you know, at the end of the day, we each have to live with how we chose to spend that time we got with them.

tc.