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When your girlfriend says she feels she doesn't deserve you?


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I don't know if it's cheating but it is definitely some sort of manipulation technique. The next time she says it, reply casually "yeah, you're probably right.". This is not what she expects and if shes planning to leave you she will leave you regardless.

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Well, thats a main problem.

Sometimes my SO and I say "What did I do to deserve you..." sort of thing, but its during a sweet moment, or more romantic based..not insecure based. And from the sounds of it, she is very insecure and doesn't feel like she deserves someone who treats her well or right. And quite frankly, it may just be a matter of time before these insecurities leach into every area of the relationship.

 

She needs to realize that yes, she does deserve you..but that will only come from being secure with herself, and knowing her self worth and what she deserves in life..and only she can do that..thats an inside job.

 

Hve you questioned her, probed it further? Asked "Why do you say that? Why don't you feel like you deserve me?" What does she say?

Or make it known how frustrating or upsetting it is to hear her say that.

But ultimately, there's nothing you can do or say. She needs to fix herslef and know her personal worth before she can appreciate someone loving her fully.

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Hve you questioned her, probed it further? Asked "Why do you say that? Why don't you feel like you deserve me?" What does she say?

Or make it known how frustrating or upsetting it is to hear her say that.

But ultimately, there's nothing you can do or say. She needs to fix herslef and know her personal worth before she can appreciate someone loving her fully.

 

Yes, I ask her all the time, and she comes back with things like: "I'm fat, ugly stupid, insecure" etc...

 

Then I try to reassure her that I'm fine with who she is but she doesn't believe it. It never ends.

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Of course, because its a problem with herself, and only one she can fix.

It's just a matter of how much you can tolerate her lack of self confidence, it just doesn't go away by itself, it will take work and effort from her.

 

Have you asked her about what she would change? How would she feel if you exercised together? Ate healthier together? Have you tried working on these things with her? Asked her to speak to someone? Does she know how frustrated you are about this?

 

In my opinion, someone who doesn't care about thesmelves, or doesn't love themselves cannot accept love and being loved.

How does she treat you? How is the relationship as a whole?

 

This will be a constant battle until she can love and appreciate herself..and there's only so much you can say or do, because this is about her and her fixing and feeling good about herself..if she doubts herself..no compliments will change that because in her eyes, she's still fat and ugly and whatever else she feels, and she can only change that perception through personal work.

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Of course, because its a problem with herself, and only one she can fix.

It's just a matter of how much you can tolerate her lack of self confidence, it just doesn't go away by itself, it will take work and effort from her.

 

Have you asked her about what she would change? How would she feel if you exercised together? Ate healthier together? Have you tried working on these things with her? Asked her to speak to someone? Does she know how frustrated you are about this?

 

In my opinion, someone who doesn't care about thesmelves, or doesn't love themselves cannot accept love and being loved.

How does she treat you? How is the relationship as a whole?

 

I try to offer her these options all the time but she usually isn't very receptive. She gives up very easily, which makes the situation 10 times more frustrating. It's like no matter what I say it just won't get better.

 

She has her moments when she's great and other times when she's just in a terrible mood. Lately it's been more of the latter, and I'm getting really fed up with it.

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Ok this girl sounds a lot like me in some ways. She could have depression. I do, diagnosed since I was eighteen, and I tell my boyfriend I have no idea why he's with me and that he's crazy when there's a million better girls out there than me.

 

Getting fed up with her will just make it worse, if she does have depression she is probably having a hard time repressing these feelings already and it'll make her paranoid that she's pissing you off all the time. She should go to a doctor if she really hates herself.

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I dated this girl once several years ago who would often say that very same line. I found out she was saying that because she seriously felt that she didn't. She turned out to be a cheater. That may or may not be the case. But if you know you're deserving of someone special and the only thing you can think of is that you don't deserve it, usually there's something wrong.

 

Hell, that'd be like me graduating from college and telling my professors that I don't deserve the degree. After all the blood, sweat and tears I put into my grind? I couldn't see myself saying that unless I really didn't deserve it. And the only way I can say that I wouldn't was if I didn't earn it truthfully.

 

If you let a person talk long enough, they'll tell on themselves.

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What the hell do you say back to that? I hate when she says that, and it's been coming up more and more lately.

 

If she's typically insecure, or has low self esteem, then she should see someone who can help her with this issue. As much as you may care for her, you can't help her.

 

On the other hand, if she normally doesn't have self esteem issues, then she's feeling guilty of something.

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  • 7 months later...

I don't know if you are still with her, but rest assured I can tell you now that at some point in her life she was abused. I have seen this again and again. She probably doesn't trust herself. While she was being abused she was constantly being told that she was not worthy. No one gets abused in silence. The single greatest thing that you can do for her is to help her to see a therapist (any type, couples or single therapist).

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  • 8 years later...

Found this thread via Google and bumped this.

 

Been dating this girl for 3 months, and unfortunately, she exhibits pretty much every sign that's been posted in this thread. I really like her (almost love her even), and when she's not in this state, she's absolutely wonderful.

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