adult family scapegoat survivors

I'm 48 years old and am struggling with dealing with roughly 40 years of being treated like @#$% by my family of origin. Despite no contact (off and on) and trying to state my truth,it NEVER,NEVER ends.Whether I'm around or not, I will always be the bad guy here. It's so painful.

My mentally ill, narcissistic,abusive on all levels,violent and drug and alcohol abusing father passed away two weeks ago. I was estranged from him for roughly 28 years and , sadly, this was necessary for my survival.He tried to physically kill me twice in my lifetime. I was ( and still am) the official family scapegoat, despite no contact for two years with my mother(co-dependent, borderline personality) and brothers. Hard to be articulate about the 40 years of all of the misplaced anger, aggression that chronically gets placed on me - it's a very ugly soup. Lets just say,there has always been very different rules/expectations for my brothers than for me. Lets just say that my mothers devisive and abusive personality has always made our relationship difficult. And she drags my brothers into our problem (who are victims themselves really by choosing sides )and not capable of being honest about what she does to me. But yet, I spent most of my youth throwing myself into the middle of my father's abuse of her....and paid the price dearly for that, as the violence then started coming my way.

So, can anyone relate? I've come into contact with one of my brothers over my dads passing and it's clear my mother has been doing her usual dirty work in terms of playing the martyr-victim.There's just no good answer here.This is not how I live my current life with my husband, step-son and son but it still hurts.I can't imagine ever singling out a child of mine in this manner for such an abusive existence.

Sometimes if there are exceedingly toxic family relationships, all you can do is walk away. They can't make you 'play' their twisted games if you won't do so. Many troubled families lock certain individuals into particular roles, and it is almost impossible to break out of the roles and enlighten anyone, since enlightenment comes from within and not all people are interested in breaking out of those roles.

So my advice would be to just cut contact with them. You can choose how to live your life and who to live it with, and if they have proved an endless source of pain for you, there is not need to continue to play any role you don't choose to play.

They are who they are, and will not turn into the loving family you hope for, so why continue to torture yourself.

I cut off all contact with my family 10 years ago. I get sporadic news through (of all things) an ex-bf who still has occaisional contact with them, and I imagine information travels both ways through him, although I'm not sure of that (and don't really care).

Although my parents are still living, I tend to think of myself as an orphan and did so even prior to the severing of what little relationship there was.

You cannot change who your mother is. You can only control how much access she has to you/your life and your thoughts. Sometimes even now I still catch my parents taking up rent-free space in my head and have to (figuratively) "evict" them...again. I found therapy very helpful and the only regret I have is that I didn't drop-kick their toxic influence out of my life sooner. Because even though the last 10 years have been one hell of a rollercoaster ride with life events (cheating ex! moving 2 times in less than a year! spinal surgery! marriage! more moving! job loss! career change! foot surgery! appendicitis at age 43!), all those things have been a cake walk compared to having to deal with my family being a part of my life.

I much prefer my "family of choice" -- a collection of friends I've assembled over the years who actually love, care about and support me.

Thank you very much for your response.........it's much appreciated.No contact is the way I now know that I have to go.

It's sad though and still surreal in many ways.

Anyhow, after writing a rather long response with additional info,somehow it got lost!

So, more later tonight. I'm simply hoping that this thread might be helpful for myself and others in processing this unfortunate family dynamic.

i've been my family's scapegoat for sixty-five years. after my father died, my life suddenly seemed like my own. but then i found out that his younger brother had been continuing the scapegoating without my knowledge. my siblings have been condoning the scapegoating since they were children (they're now in their sixties), including the uncle's scapegoating. they both acknowledge that their reason is simply to avoid personal discomfort.

i've had chronic depression since childhood, have recently been diagnosed with PTSD as well. psychiatrists can do nothing beyond prescribing pills, and who wants to spend his 'golden years' doped up in order to avoid the effects of toxic relatives? people like this would rather die than stop perpetuating the persecution, and, frankly, either one would be a relief.

i'd like to see a website where these people could be identified, and thereby capable of being held accountable for their behavior, but without exposing the whistle-blowers to legal action. any suggestions?

Well, a tell-all website would be great IF you could get away with it without a lawsuit(s). Boy, would that feel amazing! But IF you could, it would then,unfortunately, put you in the all-to-familiar position of once again having to prove your case/defend yourself against liars/detractors, which might not be so good for folks in our position. Honestly, it's all so exhausting and is an extremely torturous way to have to live. I have this thought that keeps me going that when I am older, things WILL die down and I will have some peace and calm at some point in my life . It's distressing to hear that you are in your golden years and still a target - I'm sorry. Life makes no sense sometimes. I've had some great support recently (new shrink) that I'll pass on- the basic m.o. of scapegoats is this: responsible, kind, good, decent people that the unhealthy parent/others (a.k.a. "weak links") project their mental issues/problems on. (which maybe you know...)Somehow that makes me feel a bit bettter/less crazy. One of the reasons I decided to start this thread is because I think that there is power in writing/posting the truth for yourself and others and just getting it all out of your system. Have you ever done that? Whenever I read/hear about others struggles with this topic, it gives me strength/resolve. Wishing you some peace..........

In fact, I'm working on a chronological account of the path that my own life has taken, though I haven't decided how to structure it; maybe in a quasi-scientific form, the justification being to document how long this kind of crap can go on. I hoped for decades that it would stop, but only death stopped it in the case of my father, and my siblings are younger than me and don't intend even to acknowledge what they've been doing since childhood. What about simply a website where adult victims of scapegoating join as members and 'incidentally' name their relatives, so that a Google search of the perpetrators will lead them to the page and at least raise questions? Scapegoaters always gang up and commit their abuse in secret--what if the victims identified themselves as such, thereby also ganging up, and made further secrecy impossible?

In fact, I'm working on a chronological account of the path that my own life has taken, though I haven't decided how to structure it; maybe in a quasi-scientific form, the justification being to document how long this kind of crap can go on. I hoped for decades that it would stop, but only death stopped it in the case of my father, and my siblings are younger than me and don't intend even to acknowledge what they've been doing since childhood. What about simply a website where adult victims of scapegoating join as members and 'incidentally' name their relatives, so that a Google search of the perpetrators will lead them to the page and at least raise questions? Scapegoaters always gang up and commit their abuse in secret--what if the victims identified themselves as such, thereby also ganging up, and made further secrecy impossible?

But really, other than perhaps making you feel better for a brief time what's the point?

The cold hard fact is most of the world simply doesn't care what happened to us or who did it. Those who might be interested (family members, friends, etc) probably already have their minds made up and don't wish to be confused with the facts.

Just seems to me there are more positive, productive ways to channel your time & energy. Like, f'rnistance, making your life now an amazing place to be.....preferably as far away from toxic family members as possible.

The goal is not sympathy for the victim but accountability for the perpetrators. In my case, the scapegoating is still going on, sixty years later. If you're the victim of slander or libel, or intentional infliction of emotional distress, you can sue, and if you succeed, what was done and by who becomes public knowledge. Even if the damages awarded are only nominal, still you are vindicated and the wrongdoers are identified as such. To keep silent about scapegoating is to treat it as not objectionable, and that is the definition of condoning--the victim herself should be the last person to condone her own being scapegoated. Members of groups and collectivities that are oppressed and persecuted find it easy enough to band together to fight for their common dignity, and it seems to be counterproductive for individual victims of scapegoating to wrestle alone with the effects while the perpetrators go about their business as if they have nothing to account for. That's not justice, and it's certainly not a deterrent to further scapegoating on their part. Sure, people don't want to know whatever they don't want to know, but when circumstances require it, it turns out that they are capable after all of knowing it. If you feel unfairly accused of wrongful behavior, it is your right as well as your duty to speak up and defend yourself--not just in front of your therapist but in public, where you are expected by others to show no ill effects of the sort caused by the damage inflicted on you in secret. Helping the perpetrators avoid accountability by declining to tell the truth ensures that the family's dirty little secret will remain just that. That helps the perpetrators and leaves the victim to struggle on in silence no less than would be the case had she deserved to be stigmatized and emotionally abused. Why behave as if the problems you have to deal with are due to only what the uninformed will have to assume to be your own inherent shortcomings? Why let the harm that your family has caused or is still causing lead to even more problems because the people you care about don't know what you have been facing and therefore expect you to act as if you hadn't been faced with emotional abuse? Running away from the family emotionally or geographically is a reaction, not a therapeutic modality. Negative reinforcement works with pigeons and children, and it might work with adult abusers, too--and nothing would be more negative than having their actions become (potentially) public knowledge.

It's fantastic to find this message board discussing exactly what I'm going through as well as my feelings! I have found it fruitless to try to make these people accountable...cutting them off and working at letting go of the anger and sadness I have from being treated so unfairly by them is the only answer...for me. It's extremely tough! The effort is worth it b/c unless I can revamp the justice system to make them pay they will not get what they deserve and I will continue to *feel* in the role of the bad person..and that's what I want to escape from! I must find a therapist to help me through this.

Hi killerjoe, I will turn seventy next month and though by now i should be all over this and so together... Your post hit close to home. I was the family scapegoat in my youth and it continued on and I have just realized I have unwittingly played out that role my entire life. My son's second wife made it clear she was not going to share her husband. I put up with her nonsense for four years and then finally called a halt. As a result I have not seen my son or grandchild since then and probably won't. I have cancelled my 70 the birthday party because it is too uncomfortable to try to explain why my son and his family won't be there. I put myself in this position by taking crap from people until I could not stand it anymore. I must have given off the impression I would not fight back because that was my way of survival. Get along and hope to be treated OK. But one thing I need to emphasize. It is a good deal of the time about jealousy. I was the pretty and talented one. I also had a gentle spirit before I went into my shell. I will now do what I want with my life as I earned it. Space does not permit all the details of 70 years. Everyone here, I believe have so much more to say then space permits. I wish everyone a better life and when you get to be my age I hope you will get the honor and respect you have earned!

Hi i spent a long time researching my mothers narsistic personality disorder,and then researching myself trying to gain a true understanding of the nature of the situation i was born into, why me, how i reacted, which helped a lot. But a year ago started having very painfull stomach problems which the doctor did lots of tests, after two months with no end in sight,i met a breathing therapist, which has given me freedom on a whole new level, he showed me breathing tequniches to disolve all the stored emotions in my body with having to think about them, this was very cathartic with almost instant shifts within me that had been stuck for years. sorry bout spelling ,happiness is peace of mind ay.x

I am going through this right now. Slowly but surely cutting ties with my family. They are my only family unfortunately (bc I do not know my father's side) but they have done nothing but treated me poorly and unfairly for as long as I can remember. My mother is also narcissistic/bpd...she allowed my stepfatehr to take total control of the family when they married and it went down since then. I ave been the black sheep and my aunt and grandmother are the only people that have seen whats gone on from the outside looking in...they alwasy stood up for me (my aunt used to be the black sheep)...so some families are just like this unfortunately. What I am doing is just slowly cutting contact with them. They have hurt me so badly for so many years it;s just not worth it-they only drag me down when I have enough going on in my life. I cant deal with my bored mother trying to harass me bc she has no life-then manipulates situations to make me into the bad guy ALWAYS. I have quit talking to my mother and shes sending texts now about how much shes lovs me and misses me but its a vicious cycle-I go back to them and they start rejecting me and hurting me again because its all they know.

Just look at it like its a bad relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Cut all ties and create healthy lasting friendships with others who will be there for you. Lifes too short

I am also doing the same. It's never too late to start over. It's initially difficult to cut ties but once you do, you'll probably wonder why you took so long to do it. You'll be okay! People put so much emphasis on the importance of family, but I don't think those people understand what it is like to be in an abusive situation. I felt like I was breaking a taboo or an important human contract, but it was my parents that did that for years, not me. You may struggle with some guilt but I hope you'll come to realize that you shouldn't feel guilty for removing yourself from harm's way.

Once you have done this, you'll be shocked by how much their negativity has distorted your perception of the most subtle things. The more time I have had away from them, the more I realize this, and that I am also a very different person from who I was manipulated to be. I realize that much of the time, they didn't mean to so cruel but that doesn't change anything for me. I'm just glad to have the freedom I have now.

As I child I had to raise myself, constantly trying to protect myself from their verbal and physical assaults, as well as take care of both my parents. My parents constantly misrepresent (well, more like lie about) me to mutual friends and family...it's just repulsive. I have kept some pretty horrible secrets for them as well, things I really can't tell anyone except a trusted romantic partner if I want to still have friends. So I definitely understand what it is like to be a pawn in someone's else messed up game.

The only thing holding me back is that I assumed they couldn't be held accountable because they are mentally ill. If this is the case in your family, I just wanted to say it doesn't matter. They do not deserve an ounce of your empathy, let alone your loyalty.

Find another appropriate outlet for your need for love. There are many people in need in the world. (Animals, plants, etc, too) I've become sensitive to the needs of others because of my experience, so I try to view that as a gift, rather than feeling vulnerable.

The only thing holding me back is that I assumed they couldn't be held accountable because they are mentally ill. If this is the case in your family, I just wanted to say it doesn't matter. They do not deserve an ounce of your empathy, let alone your loyalty.

Find another appropriate outlet for your need for love. There are many people in need in the world. (Animals, plants, etc, too) I've become sensitive to the needs of others because of my experience, so I try to view that as a gift, rather than feeling vulnerable.

This hit home. I have always made excuses for my mother because SHE always makes excuses for her behavior-the whole "mental illness" as her excuse for EVERY rude comment/behavior etc etc. This past mother's day has opened my eyes a bit-we met as we usually do-the family-I get my mom mother and grandmother mother's day cards/gifts and I am also a mom-I am a young, single, mom so they did the same. This year my mom gave me NOTHING-nothing but ATTITUDE. no card or gift as expected...later to find out she talked to my aunt about how my mom called her up to tell her she didnt give me anything for mother's day-and that she was LAUGHING because her "therapist" (theyre also close friends) told her not to get me anything any more because only the "QUEEN BEE" or oldest mother of the family should be celebrated on mother's day....I just feel that shes really sick and her therapist is NOT helping. Im tired of the excuses-Im tired of them treating me this way to boost their egos or WHATEVER is going on with them. Im done.

The last straw is how the family and my 21 year old brother and his girlfriend all went on a trip (all expenses paid by my father) to Europe to visit family we never met. I WAS NOT INVITED. I live 10 minutes from my family-my mom could have easily picked up the phone and invited me-she has no problem harrassing me through texts implying that Im a bad mother...

Ugh ok RANT OVER. Didnt mean to hijack the threat...

I have also become much more sympathetic towards people...I like the idea of helping animals/plants/etc...

Hi i spent a long time researching my mothers narsistic personality disorder,and then researching myself trying to gain a true understanding of the nature of the situation i was born into, why me, how i reacted, which helped a lot. But a year ago started having very painfull stomach problems which the doctor did lots of tests, after two months with no end in sight,i met a breathing therapist, which has given me freedom on a whole new level, he showed me breathing tequniches to disolve all the stored emotions in my body with having to think about them, this was very cathartic with almost instant shifts within me that had been stuck for years. sorry bout spelling ,happiness is peace of mind ay.x

My father, who I love deeply, would create an elaborate, illogical, unreasonable, untrue lie and then berate and put me down based on that lie. I'm not sure there's a word for this, but 2 that come close are gas-light, and mindf*ck. I had no way of defending myself, because the put-down was based on a lie, but the fact that he put me down verbally, with this deep whining tone, over & over, every single day I lived with him, often every damn time he was in my presence, it ate at me.

I lived with my mom for years before I moved in with him and his family, so I was somewhat OK before moving in with him and experiencing this. My dear old friend, who knew me before I moved in with dad, remarked that I had become robot-like, and lacked spontaneity, after having lived with my dad. When I lived with my mom, I had a great girlfriend-type relationship with a trustworthy, wonderful girl, but after having moved in with my Dad, all my exgirlfriends and exwives treated me bitterly abusively, similar to my father's treatment. That old deep gnawing pain in my gut got worse w/ my last divorce. At first it was in the center of my belly, then it moved to my appendix and became appendicitis. Now I've had appendicitis on & off for years and at one point it was very bad, when my last ex left me for "not loving her".

I met my step-brother a few years ago, in his own apartment, and he apologized for not standing up for me, and admitted that before I moved in, dad's target was him. Then after i moved in, he chose me as his target of abuse, and my stepmom did not defend me, but she defended him. The stepmom actually defended him, and told me that we do not air our dirty laundry and I need to keep it in the family, when I considered recording his crap on tape when I was young and living with them.

Anyways, today, I'm 33 years old and I love and miss my dad deeply, but I've been no contact with him for about 2 years, and it hurts. It just hurts so deeply in my appendix, and in my heart because I love a father who seems to get a sick pleasure from abusing his son, and I don't know how to quit loving him, if that would help, and I'm not sure I want to, and I don't know how to "just forget about it and move on", and it seems I fall in love with women who's actions remind me of his, and I want more than anything else to create a healthy family full of love and respect, and I don't know how to undue this deep knot of pain in my gut.

So, you mention this breathing and say it helped your stomach pain, which happened from your emotional abuse, and another person earlier mentioned she had appendicitis from her family's abuse. Great, so there's a way to undo the stomach knots? How? What's this type of breathing called? How can I do it? Where can I learn it? Cause I've been looking for a cure for a LONG LONG time, and I don't want to be like this anymore.

I must say it is reassuring to read some of these posts on scapegoating. It does help me realize that I am not the only person who has/does/is dealing with this. The abuse I suffered by divorced parents was so severe that in 1975 when I was 14 yrs old I was taken into protective custody and made a ward of the state of Califorina and placed in foster care. My brother(the little prince) remained with my mother and my sister( the daddy's girl) with my father. I was the one that was not wanted. I had always been "the dumb one, the fat one, the not as pretty one, the unlady like one." When I was about 4 or 5 I remember my parents taking me to see a psycologist. My mother told me years later that she and my father "tired to help me but that when ever they told your father he was part of the problem he would stop presuing help". My mother also told me when I ask about their divorce when I as 10 that, "I left you kids with your dad because he was going to put you on the stand against me and the doctors said if he did that it would push you over the edge and we would never get you back mentally". In reality my mother went to a psych hospital were she met some alcholic that she then moved in with before my parents were divorced.

Anyway, I am now 52 and STILL trying to deal with my past. My foster home was a blessing and the best thing that ever happened to me. But my relationship with my biological family is still very strained. In order to be a part of it I am to not mention the past which includes my wonderful loving foster parents, my high school activities and why I lived in a town 2 hrs away from were the family is. I am unable to do this so I am excluded from my father's family. My mother I have had to cuts ties with because of her continued lying and interference in my life, marriage, divorce and children. I haven't had anything to do with her in over 20 years now but she still manages to cause trouble by way of my former spouse. I cry alot and it feels like my heart is broken in a million pieces, but seeing that I am not the only one that deals with these feelings and emotions is so reassuring. I have a long way to go but I would like to thank all of you for sharing you feelings so that I may try to deal with mine.

Thank You!

Debra

shes2smart is right -- nobody really cares. some people in your life will care, but only to a point. nobody can ever care enough, or really understand, unless they've been through it. i find this thread to be very helpful. my experience has been incredible, going on 30 years now, since i was a teenager, and the origin of the abuse has been my "dad," a ruthless, angry man who has constantly labored to justify his denigration me. it's all been mental and emotional, with heavy doses of illogical, ignorant justifications, and that's really hard to deal with. "well, we wouldn't have abused you and excluded you if you didn't deserve it." i developed an eating disorder after my mom told me not to smile for my class picture. then my "dad," who was looking for a place to put his overpowering anger after Nixon resigned, found his target in me when i accidentally caught him smoking in the park. he was embarrassed, and mom told me not to bring it up, he'll be okay, but it was not to be. he started in on me right after that, ignoring me or putting me down, for the next 30 years. what made it easy for him was that i, during freshman year of college, developed a brief addiction to acid, which kept me from eating, which was the real source of my problems -- my self-esteem, self-image, and so on. when they got ahold of my drug problem and started to define me as diseased from birth, it was all over. that whole drug treatment thing is a whole 'nother story. you get wrapped up in that when you're 19, and God help you. it's been a nightmare. i can hardly believe it happened, but you've have to understand my "dad" and the power he had over mom and my sisters. they're reasonably intelligent people, but they can't think straight about me at all, and can't feel any empathy or understanding for me. i was turned into something lesser, something other, a long time ago, and it'll never, ever change. therapists and replacement people help somewhat, but nothing can really replace the natural need for a family. it's like a daily, constant ache that is eating away at me, and that's how it'll be forever, even if i do manage to start my own family. the pain is so debilitating sometimes.

shes2smart is right -- nobody really cares. some people in your life will care, but only to a point. nobody can ever care enough, or really understand, unless they've been through it. i find this thread to be very helpful. my experience has been incredible, going on 30 years now, since i was a teenager, and the origin of the abuse has been my "dad," a ruthless, angry man who has constantly labored to justify his denigration me. it's all been mental and emotional, with heavy doses of illogical, ignorant justifications, and that's really hard to deal with. "well, we wouldn't have abused you and excluded you if you didn't deserve it." i developed an eating disorder after my mom told me not to smile for my class picture. then my "dad," who was looking for a place to put his overpowering anger after Nixon resigned, found his target in me when i accidentally caught him smoking in the park. he was embarrassed, and mom told me not to bring it up, he'll be okay, but it was not to be. he started in on me right after that, ignoring me or putting me down, for the next 30 years. what made it easy for him was that i, during freshman year of college, developed a brief addiction to acid, which kept me from eating, which was the real source of my problems -- my self-esteem, self-image, and so on. when they got ahold of my drug problem and started to define me as diseased from birth, it was all over. that whole drug treatment thing is a whole 'nother story. you get wrapped up in that when you're 19, and God help you. it's been a nightmare. i can hardly believe it happened, but you'd have to understand my "dad" and his volcanic hostility and the power he had over mom and my sisters. they're reasonably intelligent people, but they can't think straight about me at all, and can't feel any empathy or understanding for me. i was turned into something lesser, something other, a long time ago, and it'll never, ever change. therapists and replacement people help somewhat, but nothing can really replace the natural need for a family. it's like a daily, constant ache that is eating away at me, and that's how it'll be forever, even if i do manage to start my own family. the pain is so debilitating sometimes.

My mother has tried to set me up since birth. She is controlling manipulative vicious and very clever. (and did i mention from the deep south and very old south) She makes up stories about me and spreads them around...bad stories. When my grandmother died she gave my brothers (im sure money, but she will never tell) because as she said all my childhood "boys are more important' she gave my sister a diamond ring. antiques, and paintings and sent me a cardboard box with old clothes my grandmother used to wear. and said that when i was like 10 or 12 my grandmother asked me what i wanted her to leave me i said nothing (because i was a child and did not want her to die..... if i said that at all}

the youngest brother is is a probate lawyer and has been married twice to 2 women with the same name as my mother (see what i mean about control) and will not speak to me and has not for 20 years. hes counting his money

My sister hired my x after i divorced him and after he threw my son out of his house (and did not speak to him for 15 years) and she started inviting my x and his new wife to our familuy events.

the other brother is aafraid to admit we talk because mom is 86 and there is money there.

I am never asked to family events

when i call she hangs up on me and has banished me forever because i got mad at my sister for hiring my x.

I could go on and on but i would just get worked up again lol

im in my 60's and still cry, talk to her when noone is in the room, and get angry ............but it only upsets me noone else.

I would say what everyone who has a loving family say..... to forget about them but i know i could never do that...family is a god given right that never goes away. You can not change that..ever. they are most peoples sanctuary and comfort. its very hard to be treated unfairly by them. I understand what you go through

This is wonderful...being able to read other peoples problems as being the family scapegoat even as we grow older. It has taken a long time for me to be able to put down some personal boundaries with my family and when I did the family members decided to cut off all communication with me playing out the old "You are still the bad one" attitude. It is emotionally difficult to let go because I always held out that perhaps one day there was a chance of improved relations. Reading how other people who are in this position have comfortably moved on with their own lives is helpful in my process of letting go. My hopefullness of improved relations also put me in a more vulnerable place emotionally to let the families verbal emotional abuse continue. Thank you for taking the time to write out your situations. I am feeling more comfortable in not having any contact in order to have safe boundaries for myself so I can live my life more freely and happily.

You can't win when the game is sick.

It is that simple. I understand scapegoating. Having been in two ugly and abusive relationships, and having to wake up from the coma of always taking the blame, and having to see all the red flags in my relationship inevitably led back to the family. The way they treated me. Invisible - unless they needed a scapegoat.

I think it is great when you have the courage to say ''I no longer want to accept blame unconditionally and I no longer want to feel like I have to 'earn it' all the time''

But you can't win when the game is sick. You may win in court, but it will be a hollow victory, and later they are likely to band together and decide you really are the devil incarnate. They've been convincing themselves that you are the source of all their problems. Why would they stop outside the courtroom?

I did the opposite. I'm the youngest. I had a long hard look at my family accross three generations. I looked at how my younger cousins in the next generation were being treated. I realised blame was passed around like a batton and the weakest, youngest always got hit hardest with it.

I thanked my family for a lifetime of emotional abuse, raping of self esteem, thanked my brother for beating me and my mother for making me her parent. Then I told them I was tired of being told I was a disaster so I could feed them, and hoped they all had a nice life.

You know what happened? Nothing. They banded together, decided I was just a 'problem', took no responsibility for it and happily accepted having no contact. Which, really, just confirms what I already knew - that it's all a bit messy and dysfunctional and actually I'm the lucky one for throwing the batton back over the fence.

Every now and then a cousin pops up feeling like crap. They contact me to say hello and talk about how bad it is. I guide, I support, I council as I always have. They sometimes flourish for a while then fly back into the nest for more pain.

I knew it was really screwed up when the failure of my marriage to an alcoholic seemed to derive a certain amount of pleasure for them. Because, you know, they always knew I was screwed up apparently. None of them ever, for a nano second asked how...

Hopefully one day I will feel safe and free of these shackles. One day at a time... and without them.

I don't know that I have really survived. I'm breathing-my heart is beating but I would hardly call my life "living".

What happened to me was the criminal equivalent of a hit and run, the damage is real but there's noone around to take responsibility.

I knew at an early age that something was very wrong at our house. I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I guess I just wanted to leave a record, kind of like the grafitti you see on water towers and under bridges that says "I WAS HERE", to let someone in the world know that I existed and that I was a real person, at least I think I am.

I am amazed I found this thread today of all days and it is encouraging that there may be others out there like me who understand and believe me. I think the idea of a website is a good start but does not even approach the level of severity in punishment that these weasels deserve. I don't see how there would be legal reprecussions if you are telling the truth-people write their life experiences all the time and it is not always complimentary to those involved, however, I am not qualified to give legal advice. I am not an attorney. I am nothing -which is exactly what I was raised to be- and all I was ever allowed to be. I have been looking for a way to hold my narcissistic family accountable for the devastation they have caused in my life and the lives of my children. I was actually online today looking for a way to expose them. I have just spent the afternoon calling attorneys trying to locate one who could find some legal grounds for a civil suit as the statute of limitations on the physical abuse is long expired and the criminal charges that should have been filed long ago are dust in the wind. Unfortunately the legal system does not help scapegoats seek any form of compensation civilly for the more subtle forms of mass destruction caused by these psychos.

I hope that someday our society will see this type of abuse as the despicable sadistic crime that it is. At the very least it equates to theft, they stole my life away and for no real reason other than the fact that they could. It is really a shame that the absolute worst human beings I have ever met are my own family.

My father was an overtly malignant narcissist with BPD and histrionic personality disorders and my mother who I am certain has undiagnosed asperger's is a covert narcissist of the darkest order. I was physically and emotionally abused as far back as I can remember. I have a sister who can only be described as pure evil. She is the golden child -my mother's lap dog. Around the neighborhood where they live she is known for collecting clothes for the homeless but I know who she really is-it's like halloween in reverse-she takes of her mask and the creature is revealed. Most who know her would find this unbelievable but I have known her to key cars-steal and damage personal property-lie to get co-workers she doesn't like fired etc... She broke the windshield out of my car once and when I got angry and tried to report it to the police my mother threatened to kick me out of the house if I filed the report. These "people" if you can call them that, have spent their lives attempting to prove to anyone who will listen that I am crazy. I tried to tell people what was going on in our house when I was younger but nobody believed me. My parents and sister were so "nice" they "loved me" and wanted to "help me". They could be very convincing when they needed to and always worked as a team. How dare I complain or tell people the truth about what was happening to me and make them look bad!

I have always felt as if I was standing on the deck of the Titantic screaming "iceberg" and nobody would hear me. My family -mainly my mother, father and sister-are plastic-totally fake. They're chameleons who have perfected the art of covert sabotage and abuse and they hide their true colors so well there have been a few times when they almost fooled me -and I know better. I think in some ways they even hide it from themselves and by doing so, they justify their dirty deeds through their belief that I deserve it.

My parents (father is dead-what a relief) lived their life and concealed their attrocities by hiding behind the mask of "christianity". My mother is against abortion-she prefers to give birth and then torture the child to death slowly over many years. According to her I was raised in a "wonderful christian home" and I am just a crazy mess.

I had a few relatives, neighbors, teachers etc...that saw what was happening and tried to help me but they were all afraid of my father so it didn't go very far. When I was a child/teenager the police and child abuse hotline was contacted repeatedly but my parents were able to talk their way out of all of it portraying themselves as victims and me as some devil child they were unfortunate enough to have to deal with. It helped that my father was a volunteer police officer in our town for a few months. I am certain that the police "looked the other way" several times when they were caught red-handed by witnesses who observed them beating me. Two of those officers apologized to me years later when I ran into them as an adult. I always knew what was happening, that it was wrong and even at a young age could articulate the ridiculousness of the situation but never had a name for it until I came accross profiles of narcissistic families in a recent web search. I have been researching for a long time now trying to figure out what happened to my life. These articles profiled our family dynamic exactly-right down to the four roles that my sister, myself and my two brothers played and even describe specific scenarios exactly as they played out in the dysfunctional mess that was our family. Positively eerie!

So now I have a name for it-this awful thing that took my life away. I will spare you the detailed anecdotes I doubt anyone would believe most of them anyway but I will say that the physical abuse , while attrocious, was not the worst part. As I was growing up I did not even think I was a real person. I lived in a a world that combined abuse (physical and emotional) and control-but not just any control-my parents were satisfied with nothing less that absolute and total domination. They controlled everything from how I rode my bike to how I wiped in the bathroom-Really. There was no aspect of my life that was not strictly monitored and everything I wanted or needed to thrive and grow up into a successful prosperous adult was denied-even if I tried to get it on my own- The answer was no-always. I was hungry for life, creative intellectual expression and new experiences and I was starved. I was desperate for growth, independence and identity and freedom and I was suffocated. I was severely punished for any attempt to be anything other than a nothing. I had no rights to respect, dignity or privacy or really even to 'be". I always thought something must be innately wrong with me as these things were not denied my siblings. When I begged to be able to play guitar or sports and was told "NO" but my siblings were allowed and expensive instruments, lessons and equiptment were purchased for them. What was I supposed to think. I was to take my catty manipulative sister's constant taunting and provoking and not respond-If I called her a name or hit her I was severely punished and told not to let her get to me, so she had carte blanche to do whatever she wanted and would even blackmail me threatening to tell on me for things I may or may not have done if I didn't give up my few prized posessions.

I tried to fight back. I ran away but they were outraged that I would even suggest that I have the right to be anything more than they allowed. I was not allowed to pursue any interests or activities unless they resulted in some type of recognition where my parents could be glorified. I lived my life in through books and daydreams. My vulnerability followed me to school and I was bullied there as well (we moved alot and I was always new which contributed). I think they wanted me to be an outcast. It served their need to convince me I was worthless.

When I was in 6th grade a teacher told me I was really talented and if I wanted I could be a writer someday. I was so excited-ran home and told my parents that this teacher really liked me thought I had potential. My mother immediately replied "Well, she just doesn't know you like we do".

They delighted in denying me any small thing that would allow me to display any of my natural talents or experience anything resembling pride,confidence or achievement and they actively sabotaged anything I managed to acomplish on my own. Anything beyond food, basic clothing and shelter was not for me and even that was threatened and begrudged. They occasionally allowed a trip to an amusement park or some type of fun activity, after all they were allowing my sister and how would it look if I didn't get what appeared on the outside to be the same. I was allowed to play out in the neighborhood but I was strictly limited and could never participate in most of the activities with the other kids but was subject to a bizarre set of rules regarding who I could associate with, when, where and how and these rules could change in an instant according to their whims with no explanation, rhyme or reason.

My mother told me once that abuse meant you lived in a closet and were burned with cigarettes and since that didn't happen to me I guess I was supposed to accept things the way they were and just be happy I was allowed to live.

I was very intelligent, attractive, adventurous, an over achiever and was extremely well behaved. Everything my mother or sister were not. No matter how many A's I brought home or how many school or church contests I won ( I was not allowed to participate in any other types of activities and even these were limited). No matter how many awards I won I could not avoid the abuse. It seemed then that my father was in control but now as an adult, knowing what I do, I know it was my viscous covert mother who engineered most of the physical abuse and she used my sister and my father to carry it out -like a puppetmaster, she was behind the scenes pulling the strings. I think she took a great deal of pleasure in being able to turn them against me. I now have a clear understanding of the tactics she used to create this sick alliance. My sister could make up anything or goad me into an argument or fight and get me beat-no questions asked. She would stand and watch while I was punished, all the while grinning like a Cheshire cat. These beatings were not just a "spanking" as my parents told many a police officer or social worker but were brutal, terrorizing torture sessions and the aftermath was beyond bizarre, humiliating and confusing- these sessions lasted sometims for hours and destroyed spirit as well as flesh.

I know now that I never had a chance. I look back at the hopes I had as a little girl and I still cannot believe how it was all taken away. I guess I always thought I would be able to get away and overcome it all. Back then I didn't understand why they did it -now I know they are mentally ill. The very thing they have always said about me. It is shocking to me that nobody helped me and they just got away with it all.

There are too many dark things to tell but suffice to say when I stood up and said NO MORE-when I ran away-when I responded to their insane provokations with anger the way any human would, they told the world I was crazy. I ran away many times and at 15 and ended up with a narcissistic guy ( big surprise) who promised at first to save me and help me get to college I thought he was rescuing me and at the time it seemed very romantic and too good to be true-it was. I had zero information about life, decisionmaking or relationships and I thought he really cared for me. At one point I asked my mother to help me get birth control because I needed her signature and she said "no" she said that would be like her giving me permission to have sex. I didn't "decide" to have children, but sex was the price to pay for a place to stay and I thought he loved me so I participated willingly. Anything was better than being under my parent's roof. By the time I was 17 I was a mother in an abusive relationship with a violent alcoholic. I ended up raising his two kids on my own with no child support and I had no choice but to return home where I was again subjected to the emotional and physical abuse of my narcissistic family. They offered that I could come back and I had no choice. I can honestly say that I have never been in a "safe" place long enough to prepare myself for life -to learn a trade much less have the career I had always dreamed of and should have had. I never lived with them for long but because I was not allowed to prepare myself in any way to provide a living for me and my kids we ended up back there several times. If I could just have had someplace to go where I could have lived and worked in safety and peace I could have found a way to make a good living but everytime I would get close to success they would make up some bogus excuse to put us on the street and since I was not ready to be out on my own with two kids of course everything good I had worked so hard to set up would fall apart-they were intoxicated by the power that they had to create a no-win situation for me and watch me struggle -they savored the ability to control me through my children and their need for a place to live and were many times abusive to them also. Anytime I had an opportunity to do better and get away they would actively sabotage me -throw me out of the house in the middle of the night with 2 small kids the night before a big test or the first day of a good new job etc...and they were always successful in ruining me. This was all done under the guise of "helping us" which makes it all the more insane. They needed me to stay a worthless loser so they can continue to see themselves as "better" and prove to the world that everything was really all my fault the whole time.

There is nothing worse than being on the street and nowhere to go with kids-My little daughter was sexually abused because we had to stay with strangers. I never left her alone-the creep went into their room at night. My precious baby-I didn't know until it was too late. This pathetic excuse for a man is in prison and she will never be who she could have been-she was irrevokably altered -all so my parents could "show me who was boss". Their favorite thing to say and I heard it multiple times a day was "This is our house" what that meant was the price of staying here is abuse-physical and emotional -in front of my kids - for whatever reason they could manufacture at the time. There were seemingly no limits or boundaries to what they felt was within their rights within those 3000 square feet of space. Even working two jobs I could not make enough money to provide a safe stable home of our own. We could never get enough stability to get a foothold and spent years going from one bad situation to another. This has destroyed every aspect of mine and my children's lives. My children see how twisted it all is as do my brothers and several other friends and family members. I now understand why I have struggled with depression and anxiety-mild substance abuse-a succession of abusive relationships and now my health is suffering from years of unbelievable stress that I have suffered at the hands of these monsters. Of course I can't even seek treatment because I have no insurance.They played games with my life like it was a toy provided for their amusement. For years I dreamed of the career and the success and the freedom I should have had and I never gave up. When one dream would die I would get a new one and I always worked hard- sometimes 2 jobs- in addition to school etc. .. but after years of being forced into impossible situations I am tired of the struggle. I was never able to finish school -I have always been told I am talented and creative and intelligent but I have yet to break out of the poverty I was forced to live in as a result of having children too young. I barely get by financially. They went out of their way to make sure nothing worked out for me and that has become my reality. I am worn down and burntout. I tried and tried to get away from them from the time I was 12 but I think what they did and the image they had of me as a worthless faceless loser is so deeply embedded that I will never escape. It's like I carry them with me everywhere. How can you run from yourself? Even though I know it's ridiculous and nothing but a source of narcissistic supply for them I guess I have believed and internalized the lie. My conscious mind knows it's not true but something in my head keeps whispering that I was meant to be a nothing and I am doomed.

My mother and sister are average looking dullards with zero creativity and were it not for my father's money they would be in the same boat as I am. My sister -although given every advantage- is a 50 year old waitress who rents out my mother's basement (unless she has finally finagled the deed to good ol' mom's condo). They mock and taunt me and tell me to "take reponsibility for my own life" and sometimes the frustration is more than I can handle. Today was the last straw-I had a really great idea for a new invention. I worked hard to develop the design and created working prototypes in my kitchen with no budget using tools and materials I scraped together by repurposing parts from items I bought at walmart or goodwill. A multi-national company wanted to partner with me-contingent on patenting. Patents are extremely expensive and I tried for a long time to raise the funds. I researched and studied and wrote and filed a provisional patent myself. A friend of my mothers (who she idolizes) saw my prototypes and told my mother he thought it was brilliant. All of the sudden she wants to invest and "help me". She loaned me the money for the first half of the patent the remainder to be paid upon completion. We discussed all the details and she was given a copy of the contract. I was so happy because she was being nice to me and seemed to really be happy for my potential success-now it's time for the balance to be paid on the patent and she has "changed her mind". She tried to get me to participate in a hurtful lie to another family member and I declined so this is how she punishes me.

I have no way to get the funds to complete and file the patent and I will lose my rights and priority dates to claim the invention if I don't file the final non-provisional application very soon. In addition she has no concern for the legal issues that could arise for me if I cannot pay this man for his work. I should have known better than to do any kind of business with her. I got to close to the snake and it bit me. What was I thinking???

I have had enough and am going 100% no contact. I just thought maybe someone on here might understand my rage and frustration. They has spent the last several decades sabotaging me and always manages to come out smelling like a rose???? Well I hope she got her money's worth because this was the last time. The absolute worst thing I could ever do to them would be to expose them. My mother would be horrified that everyone would know the truth-that she is not the sweet christian lady she pretends to be. I have seen the posts about forgiveness but I want revenge-I want justice-Exposure just doesn't seem to be enough for the decades of torture I have endured. Am I out of line for just once wanting the truth to be known?

sorry this is so long-if you hung in thanks for listening

M

Sorry the above post is so long-got going and couldn't stop

will try to keep it shorter in the future

Sorry the above post is so long-got going and couldn't stop

will try to keep it shorter in the future

I 100% feel empathy for you and can (sadly) relate to your pain! I am just starting a blog to vent all these emotions...I'll make it public later..but for now it's just for me to vent all the crap that's coming up. It's great and sad to hear of other daughters who have lived throught this! Good Luck