My girlfriend still talks to her ex-boyfriend - HELP!

Hi everyone,

First off, I never thought I would come to the internet for advice, but I'm really stuck here.

My problem is this: My current girlfriend is still contact her ex boyfriend very frequently (they talk almost every night). She dated this guy for 4 years before me, and we've only been dating for about 2.5 months. I understand that coming off of a relationship of that length is probably very tough, but she constantly tells me she loves me and I don't understand the need for them to talk everyday.

She even refuses to tell him about me, or even mention my name to him. We frequently argue that this isn't okay (at least I tell her) and she tells me that she isn't ready to tell him, because it would hurt his feelings. I think this is ridiculous.

I even told her that I don't care if they talk as long as she tells him I exist, and she still refuses to say anything. She says she will when the time comes, but this is unacceptable to me, and I don't understand how she can tell me she loves me when she can't even mention my name to an EX.

This is ruining our relationship and I love her very much, and I do believe she loves me too, but I just can't stand it. He calls pretty much every night at 2 a.m. to wish her a goodnight.

I'll provide more information if anyone needs, I just need some advice on this, because I'm not sure if it is me just being jealous.

Thanks!

I'm thinking it's not just the contact, it's the timing and the lack of honesty. Calling in the middle of the night is not usually about friendship unless there are extenuating circumstances. Your instincts are correct.

She even refuses to tell him about me, or even mention my name to him. We frequently argue that this isn't okay (at least I tell her) and she tells me that she isn't ready to tell him, because it would hurt his feelings. I think this is ridiculous.

Not only is it ridiculous, it's inconsiderate. She doesn't want to hurt his feelings, but it's okay if she hurts yours? Sounds like his feelings are the bigger priority here. She's also leading him on by not mentioning that she's in a relationship. Obviously she's not over him. Dump her.

It seems shes rushed into it with you. Telling she loves you after a short amount of time.

Imagine if a friend came to you and said

'Hey my girlfriend talks to her ex everyday and refuses to tell him about me' What would you say to him?

Major red flags, that she rushed into it with you. Shes not over him. She doesnt want to hurt HIM but shes hurting you by trying not to hurt HIM. So his feelings are coming BEFORE yours.

Why does she need to talk to him all the time and put your relationship at risk.

I'd say she either tells him or its done with.

Well, I think two and half months is very soon to be saying you love each other.

If I were you I would say that it is obvious she is still entangled emotionally with her ex and that she is not ready to be in a relationship with you. If she does become ready she should call you and you can see if anything might work but in the meantime you will leave her and her ex to sort out where their relationship is.

DUMP HER...sorry, but she's putting HIS feelings over YOURS....

she'd rather sacrfiice her future for her past?

how old is this girl?

Yep, exactly what the other posters have said. She is not over her ex boyfriend. Why else would she be so reluctant to tell him about you? And talking to him late at night? What is so important that they need to do that? I know I just don't randomly call up my friends in the middle of the night. She is putting him first and hurting you in the process. Best to end it now. Don't worry about trying again with her until she sorts out the issue with her ex. A relationship with someone who is torn between their ex and their current boyfriend never ends up well. I can definitely relate to that.

This is the bad part, I know it is very early to be throwing love around, but we do feel very strongly for each other.

I pointed out that she is putting his feelings before mine and she just argues with me.

She tells me she will tell him but it's just ridiculous. She also tells me that they are definitely for sure done but it is her best friend they've known each other since they were 2. She assures me it is a mutual breakup and he doesn't want her nor does she want him, but i still don't see the point in them talking/texting throughout the day / at night.

I hate to tell you this, but you probably are the REBOUND..Like someone else said, 2.5 months is too early for her to be telling you she loves you. Especially, if she is not telling the ex about you. Give her an ultimatim.. If she gives you that same answer, then kick her to the curb. No one deserves to be anyone's rebound.

This is the bad part, I know it is very early to be throwing love around, but we do feel very strongly for each other.

 

I pointed out that she is putting his feelings before mine and she just argues with me.

 

She tells me she will tell him but it's just ridiculous. She also tells me that they are definitely for sure done but it is her best friend they've known each other since they were 2. She assures me it is a mutual breakup and he doesn't want her nor does she want him, but i still don't see the point in them talking/texting throughout the day / at night.

Now she is getting defensive and lying to your face. Why can't she tell him now? If there's no hope of them getting back together and their good friends, I don't think the revelation that she's dating you is going to destroy their friendship.

I hate 'I will' It'll go on forever 'I will I will'

She is putting her ex before you.

How can it be a mutal break up. If its mutal, why does it upset him if he finds out about you?

Are you sure shes not trying to get him back? And having you whilst she attempts to fix things, hence not telling him.

Its not acceptable.

They have an emotional connection.

I hate 'I will' It'll go on forever 'I will I will'

 

She is putting her ex before you.

 

How can it be a mutal break up. If its mutal, why does it upset him if he finds out about you?

 

Are you sure shes not trying to get him back? And having you whilst she attempts to fix things, hence not telling him.

 

Its not acceptable.

 

They have an emotional connection.

Exactly. Why is she so concerned about letting him know if he's made it clear he doesn't want her back. Something is going on here, and it smells fishy.

no this just doesnt seem right the over members are right why are his feelings more important than yours? she should understand why you feel like this if my boyfriend spoke two his ex fine but everyday thats just odd if she wants two keep him as a mate okay fine but if its just as a matewhy hasnt she told him about you ? dodgy

I'm really apprehensive about breaking up with her because I know we feel very strongly with her. It's just a bad situation. I can sympathize with her that it is still very early. She tells me that a big reason why she initiated the breakup is because of me and she wanted our relationship.

I just don't understand still. We're both young (20, 18) so a lot of it is immaturity too, but it's just a really dumb situation, and I believe if she really wanted it she would tell him, because she would understand that it upsets me. She tells me she is working on not talking to him but he still calls, and I asked her why, and she says "out of habit".

I asked her why can't she just ask him not to call anymore, and I didn't get a response. I'm really afraid of losing her because I have strong feelings for her, but if it keeps up I told her it isn't going to work.

Be careful you're not the rebound guy. If a girl who just got out of a 4 year relationship tells you she loves you after about 2 months of dating and still talks to her ex everyday late at night while refusing to tell him she's seeing you I would only assume she has you in her life as an accessory to help her heal from her past relationship. People who use you as the rebound guy will tell you anything you want to hear including I love you to keep you there but if her ex decides to push to be in her life youd me dropped like a hot rock. What I would consider acceptable is they talk once or twice per week and definitely that she tells him about you otherwise Id leave her in a second

I forgot to tell everyone she isn't apprehensive to tell me about their contact with each other at all, I'm just upset that she won't tell him about me because honestly it makes me feel left out and not a part of her life. For the longest time she wouldn't put our relationship on facebook of all things, because she didn't want her friends from her past in her "business" as she said. I've asked her mom because I've grown close to her parents, and she doesn't think she'll get back together with the kid and she told me she has always been a private person.

I'm just stuck, and I don't know what to do or what to think.

Oh, and she is studying abroad this summer and that is putting a strain on things too. After she is going back to her hometown where she will be with her ex, and she again assures me that nothing will happen but I still don't really know. She gets mad at me when I mention it because "I don't have trust in our relationship".

This girl has a lot of male friends which bothered me at first, but I've kinda grown accustomed to it. It's just weird. She is a very flirty person, and even flirted with a fraternity brother of mine, before we were dating, but she assures me that she is attracted to me, and no one else, and she loves me.

I just want her to tell this ex, I feel like that would solve a lot of issues. But she just says she isn't ready, but she will. Idk, Idk.. I feel lost and this is tearing me up.

I'm thinking it's not just the contact, it's the timing and the lack of honesty. Calling in the middle of the night is not usually about friendship unless there are extenuating circumstances. Your instincts are correct.

I agree 100% she's not over him and is probably just using you to get back with him, to make him jealous. It happens, happened to me. Except she didn't have contact with him, she was just waiting.

Be careful you're not the rebound guy. If a girl who just got out of a 4 year relationship tells you she loves you after about 2 months of dating and still talks to her ex everyday late at night while refusing to tell him she's seeing you I would only assume she has you in her life as an accessory to help her heal from her past relationship. People who use you as the rebound guy will tell you anything you want to hear including I love you to keep you there but if her ex decides to push to be in her life youd me dropped like a hot rock. What I would consider acceptable is they talk once or twice per week and definitely that she tells him about you otherwise Id leave her in a second

I get the feeling that I'm not a rebound and she is just genuinely worried about her ex's feelings, because her parents say she is a very loyal friend. I think it's just ridiculous that she can't talk to him about me or even mention that she is watching a movie with me when they text.

To be honest I'm typing this right now from her condo because we've been arguing about this all day, and I'm lost on what to do.

she's having her cake and eating it...i would recommend extricating yourself so you're not spending anymore energy where there isn't a reason for...

I get the feeling that I'm not a rebound and she is just genuinely worried about her ex's feelings, because her parents say she is a very loyal friend. I think it's just ridiculous that she can't talk to him about me or even mention that she is watching a movie with me when they text.

 

To be honest I'm typing this right now from her condo because we've been arguing about this all day, and I'm lost on what to do.

she cares more about him then she cares about you....simple as that...if she did care about you, she wouldn't be doing this to you...

She tells me that a big reason why she initiated the breakup is because of me and she wanted our relationship.

 

As others have said - if it is really over between them why is she so reluctant to tell him? Could it be because she doesn't want him to find out she cheated?

Did she cheat on him with you? I include emotional cheating in that question.

 

As others have said - if it is really over between them why is she so reluctant to tell him? Could it be because she doesn't want him to find out she cheated?

The first night we hung out we cuddled in her bed when they were together. She also kissed me before they broke up (really close to the break up though, she said she did it because it was coming). We held hands before they broke up, spent a lot of time together, spoke constantly.

Well. most people would consider that cheating - does her ex know she did that with you?

The first night we hung out we cuddled in her bed when they were together. She also kissed me before they broke up (really close to the break up though, she said she did it because it was coming). We held hands before they broke up, spent a lot of time together, spoke constantly.

man, that relationship didn't go well so she cheated...now she's out of it and she's cheating on you...

point being...she is just trying to get something out of him...something she didn't like about that relationship, trying now to get what she wants.

she can't sit on two chairs at once.

I think she does still have feelings for him, it may be romantic or not, but the attachment is still there. One thing your gf needs to realize is that being friends with the ex is ok but there are boundaries that need to be set. I still talk to one of my exes, but he doesn't call me at 2AM just to wish me good night. That's pushing the boundaries. I don't care if they've known each other since 2, that behavior is something that people in a relationship would do. It's inappropriate. That alone would be a deal breaker for me...but most importantly, her giving his feelings the highest priority over yours is just BS. She's keeping you a secret from him....wow, shows how special you are and how proud she is of her relationship with you.

I think you're making excuses for her. It's so clear that she still has feelings for her, but for whatever reason, you're in denial. I would let this go. Just chalk it up to bad timing...after all, you've only spent 2.5 months with her, it's not like you've invested a whole lot.

Good luck!