Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 45

Thread: How can a married man with a jealous wife maintain close female friends?

  1. #1
    jonathanb222
    Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    13

    How can a married man with a jealous wife maintain close female friends?

    I have a concern regarding making friends with women.

    I am dedicated to my wife and have been for a long time. We are incredibly close - best friends, definitely - and I have never been unfaithful to her. However, she is VERY threatened by other women and becomes quite jealous. Then it's disguised as insults or slams on who the other woman is as a person (looks, talents, job, etc). This generally happens even if I'm friends with the other woman, and my wife is not. When she becomes good friends with the women I make friends with, everything is fine. But if it's someone I just met, or someone she rarely sees, she gets very catty and makes me feel like they're not worthwhile having as a friend. She’ll often do this until she actually meets the person – then she’ll either dislike them and stay catty, or suddenly try to be better friends with them than I am.

    So - here's my dilemma. I am going through counseling to try and be more independent. Part of this is me growing beyond fears of my wife's over reactions to things that are considered socially acceptable by others. I am an actor, so having female friends is just accepted as normal (and necessary, even). Here's what I see happening repeatedly with women:

    I meet a woman on the first day. It usually goes incredibly well and I feel like a friendship is definitely a possibility. Then I go home and tell my wife about the friendship - and she seems utterly disinterested in hearing about it, and often makes me feel "guilty" that I'm talking to other women at all. I'm not trying to flirt with them, I'm not trying to get with them - but it's as if any excitement over a female friend (or, hell, even many male friends) is quashed by some sort of insecurity in my wife. Then I start feeling awkward around the woman and the friendship sort of fades away. Maybe I'm doing something subconsciously, respecting my wife's wishes? Maybe it's that I don't show interest in them as women? I have witnessed a lot of women aren’t interested in being my friend once they know I'm married (I wear my ring, and I always tell on first meeting once I get to it in the conversation).

    What bothers me is how other men's wives feel about these sorts of friendships. I can't tell if I'm just naturally more respectful to my wife, or if I'm afraid to bring out this competitive woman my wife becomes, or if she's convinced me that these women are really as bad as she claims. She acts like every woman is after me so she clings. And it's always "It's not that i don't trust you, but it's that I don't trust them."

    So - battle lines are often draw. I've lost a lot of platonic girlfriends over her. My counselor says that's probably a sign of something wrong within my wife which she needs to come to terms with and there's nothing worng with female friends. I've also heard that a lot of married men have healthy relationships with women that have an element of flirty-ness" to them - but I feel like I can't even compliment a woman on anything without encouraging the wraith of my wife.

    So what is a healthy way for a man to be friends with a woman? How can I show my wife that they are not threatening this relationship? And can anybody explain how married men in healthy relationships can maintain a healthy female friend relationship, still seeming like a man, but not crossing any inappropriate lines of complimenting or touch? As I said - I don't feel like I can even touch or hug other women whom my wife hasn't "approved" of, mind you, without her getting angry.

    And - my wife has conditioned me into thinking that any compliment will be misconstrued as sexual interest. I never viewed it that way before meeting her, but that's how she views the world. And I feel like I am viewing the world that way on an artificial level - like I'm struggling with that concept, disagreeing with it on the inside, but hitting into it like a brick wall when I try to confront it. Because I've listened to it for so long, I think I now believe it. Is that true? Or is it safe for me to pass a compliment without it being construed as such? I just want to stop feeling like I can't say ANYTHING to a woman without it being taken as a flirtatious advance. My wife thinks that if someone is nice to her, it means they're interested - earlier in our relationship, I disagreeed with her opinion, but I feel that sort of drifted away somewhere and I don't know how to express that anymore. And I wish my wife would trust me enough that I know if and when it gets too far, and that I will put on the brakes. What ends up happening is that I never get close to anyone (although she does all the time). And I want that to change (and we've talked about it, and she knows my feelings, but I still feel that level of tension from her).

    So I guess this might be even broader than I believed - how do I get over these fears of being close to someone as a friend (male or female) without feeling I will incur my wife's anger over the friendship?

    Thank you for the advice.
    Last edited by jonathanb222; 05-04-2009 at 02:21 PM.

  2. #2
    BoddenProBowler06
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    253
    Gender
    Male
    My girlfriend essentially pushed all of my female friends away. It's very tough and sometimes impossible.

  3. #3
    Mutley
    Platinum Member Mutley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Ohio
    Age
    49
    Posts
    2,774
    Gender
    Male
    Yea, perhaps your wife is over-reacting....but why do you feel you need platonic girl friends? And why are you talking to her about them?

  4. #4
    SapphireNoir10
    Bronze Member SapphireNoir10's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    12,018
    Gender
    Female
    Well. I'd feel uncomfortable with my guy complimenting anyone or being SUPER close to them. But I have no problems with his friends that are girls that are completely platonic as in they have a laught together, hang out together. I trust that.

    Unfortunatley all you can do is keep reassuring her and that does get tiring. You should be allowed to have friends.

    Have you been to counselling together?

    Id be uncomfortable with them being too close and I wonder a little bit WHy you need to many female friends? Or is it just people you meet, click with and would like to continue a relationship with (platonic) and your wife wouldnt understand that?

  5. #5
    Lecturer

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Good news, everyone!
    Age
    35
    Posts
    633
    Gender
    Male
    My wife is the same way.. like.. EXACTLY the same way.

    I simply don't have any female friends anymore and no longer try. It sucks, but I have simply accepted it.

  6. #6
    greywolf
    Platinum Member greywolf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Good question...
    Age
    32
    Posts
    10,409
    Gender
    Female
    I don't think it's that the OP feels that he needs female friends. It just sounds like he's met people who happen to be female that he feels very awkward around them because he's afraid to upset his wife.
    OP, does your wife go to counseling as well? It sounds like she has big insecurity issues.

  7. #7
    DN

    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Posts
    42,515
    I am an actor, so having female friends is just accepted as normal (and necessary, even). Here's what I see happening repeatedly with women:

    I meet a woman on the first day. It usually goes incredibly well and I feel like a friendship is definitely a possibility. Then I go home and tell my wife about the friendship - and she seems utterly disinterested in hearing about it, and often makes me feel "guilty" that I'm talking to other women at all.
    It's interesting that you seem to be concentrating on making female friends and that may be why she is jealous. Because friendships - if just friendships - develop between people as people, regardless of their gender.

    Perhaps you are just as keen to make friends of men as well as women - but it isn't coming accross like that in your post.

    BTW - I have never heard that it is necessary for an actor to have female friends any more than anyone else.

  8. #8
    midnightrambler
    Platinum Member midnightrambler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    4,344
    Gender
    Male
    Quote Originally Posted by Lecturer [Register to see the link]
    My wife is the same way.. like.. EXACTLY the same way.

    I simply don't have any female friends anymore and no longer try. It sucks, but I have simply accepted it.
    that is the way marriage was intended

  9. #9
    Mutley
    Platinum Member Mutley's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Ohio
    Age
    49
    Posts
    2,774
    Gender
    Male
    Yea, you get one woman. That's it.

  10. #10
    rocio

    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Age
    36
    Posts
    6,599
    Gender
    Female
    Why would a married man with a jealous wife want to maintain close female friends?

    Contacts, acquaintances, casual friends, fine. But close friends? Why do you need that?

  11.  

Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Top Threads
My 2 bestfriends have blocked me after coming to my home
I had just gotten back from a trip in the UK and I had brought back with me some gifts and souvenirs for them, so we decided to meet up at my place
Uh oh, please advise :(
I don't do dating apps, ever, but a friend (the one I'm talking about here) convinced me to join a well known upscale site in an attempt to better
So why is my female friend (not a girlfriend!) suddenly not speaking to me?
Greetings eNotAlone crew! Thanks for reading this. I'm not normally one to do this sort of thing, but I've had a problem lately that I can't
Ending a friendship
Hi, I need some advice on ending my friendship with my best friend. I love her, but I gotta end it. Itís the only thing that will help me get my
Why donít I want to see or talk to my friend anymore?
Weíre both in our twenties. Weíve been friends for over 3 years, she does have romantic feelings for me which I do not share. Sheís been there as a
Confused, would like possible perspectives.
I know this is going to sound petty & trivial well because it is; I do know that however I can't help but feel confused here so I would like some
Silent Treatment
I wrote my friend back in April a message on Facebook. I admit I was feeling kind of down on myself that night I wrote her. I was hoping to get a
Featured Threads
Moving in together with my almost one year boyfriend but one big issue
Dear All, I haven't been back here for a while now. I have decided to post here instead than in the "pets" section, because I didn't want to
Back from the holidays: waiting for him to contact me
I am back form my holidays. I went away three weeks. We had two great dates before I went away. During the holidays we texted a few times, the
Should I do it?
Maybe itís because Iím such a nostalgic person, Itís going to be a full year since our breakup las January. I still think about her every f*cking day
He chose his lodgers side so I broke up with him but still love him
I just broke up with my boyfriend of one year because 4 months ago he let a friend move into his house with him she asked him ,and in turn he asked
Feeling unsure after 4 years and before marriage
Me and my fiancť are together for 4 years now, both in our mid 30s, had an engagement not long ago. We live in [B]MY [/B] apartment. I feel
Broke up with gf
So back story 4 months into the relationship. She knows about while she hasn't met my friends she knows of them. I know not much about her past. I
Girlfriend having abortion and says she needs time to herself. What do I do?
Hello, this is my first post in this forum and I am struggling and need a lot of help. 2 weeks ago my girlfriend found out she was pregnant, we are
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •