"us"

I never realized that I was being so self-centered, but I sure was. The key word here is "was". While my boyfriend went back to school, got a good summer job, and is working hard... for US, I have been so stuck inside my own head, thinking about me, me, me. Worrying about MY future, not OUR future. I never put two and two together that I am going to school and building a career for both of us, not just myself.

In a sense, I have just joined this partnership. After a long and teary talk last night, he made me realize that I have been pushing him away and rejecting him. I finally saw that I have just been scared and distrusting of people for so long, that I unconciously lumped him in with those who have treated me badly. He also knows what it's like to grow up with emotionally unavailable parents. Somehow, he figured out how to leave the past in the past, but I am still learning. We had similar upbringings, but he has no past baggage from relationships. The way I was treated by previous boyfriends, including one very abusive boyfriend, has left me pretty scarred. I had thought that I was over it, but it keeps coming back to haunt me.

He is the only person in my life who truly does not keep me at arms' length, and I see this clearly now. He feels no need to protect himself from me, even when he should. I realized that though we have been in a relationship for the past three years, I have not fully committed myself, and I really don't know much about relationships or friendships, because I always see an exit sign in the back of my mind. I am doing my best now to tear that exit sign down, and I have promised him that it is no longer just me and him, it's "us".

I need to learn to always consider "us" first and foremost, if we are ever going to have a successful and happy marriage/family. I also need to learn how to stop pushing others away, because one thing is for sure: I do NOT want my children to follow suit. I want them to be happy, emotionally healthy people, and I want to break this cycle of cold fish family relations. I want them to be able to trust others fully (when appropriate) and be comfortable with affection and giving and recieving love. We both want to break this cycle because both of our families are cold and distant/guilty for being that way. I am going to just leave my past behind and quit letting it dictate how I live my life now. Sometimes we get so busy complaining about how the other person is, that we forget to take a look at ourselves and see what may be driving the other person's behaviour.

Thanks for the post. When I read it, I almost broke down. What you're describing is basically my relationship, but I'm the other half.

It finally dawned on me that in all these years of my failed relationship and rummaging through these forums looking for answers, I wanted to hear these words spoken. I wanted her to acknowledge that she never saw "us," but only herself. I wanted her to come to an understanding of how I felt, how lonely I was constantly trying to reach out to her, only to be rebuffed.

It must be hard for you admit this, and I applaud you for trying to make a change. I only wished she was as introspective as you, to be able to see one's own actions for their own undoing.

I wish you the best of luck in breaking the vicious cycle.

i think a lot of us can relate.

hope things go well

redrose- hey you're me, but I'm just figuring that out at 28. Still young sure but I wish i had understood my behavior sooner- not only was I making my miserable but also myself. I think an important part of ending the cycle is reaching out to your parents and trying to improve those relationships (if at all possible). I've been dong this and it has helped,

Good luck!

The only reason I know this, is because he flat out told me, and then everything else really just clicked. I've been so set on making sure I can trust him, that he will never desert me, etc... that I forgot about him! That night it felt like I finally let go and gave myself to this relationship. I know he's never going to hurt me, and I can put down my armour The "emergency" exit is now closed.

looking4ward- my parents are a lost cause, really. I have tried. I moved out to be with my dad after high school and it just didn't work. He doesn't know how to be a Dad, or a friend. My Mom is so emotionally distant, that we have a quick chat every week or so (on the phone even though she lives 20 mins away) and I honestly have no hope of it ever being different. I just can't allow myself to be hurt by them anymore.