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Thread: "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

  1. #1
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    "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

    At least that is how he tries to understand his feelings, or perhaps a lack of passion for me. I don't know what it is. But we tried this again for a second time, and this time it lasted only a little over 2 weeks, now we've been together 5 months... and he is leaving the country for work... and he missed me, and wanted to be with me again, but we tried to just be present in the moment and not worry about what would happen in two months, but then we were already trying to figure out if we would somehow get together later in the future, after he figured out his emotions and things. And so he sent me an email yesterday breaking it off and telling me not to contact him for 24 hours, and I was pissed he would just cut me off like that, in that way, and I called him, he wouldn't pick up and he called me back, we talked last night finally. And now it is over.

    He was emotionally abused by his mother... she and his father left him when he was four or five without telling him where she was going, later their family told him, she went to Germany. He lived with family members in Morrocco for that year, and when she returned she didn't hug him and even made a sarcastic statement about how he didn't really miss them. He said he always tried to please her but she was never happy with him, and constantly criticized him about certain things to the point that he never felt comfortable taking his shirt off and had body issues. He has gradually told me about their upbringing, his mother was always putting his father down and was telling him how she was going to divorce him and their lives would be much better and he would be happy about it, and it messed with his mind, cause it wasn't that he wanted his mom to divorce his dad, he just wanted to live a better life, like the one his mother painted him. Sometimes he is resentful to his mother for this, other times he says it is not that bad. He says he stuffs this down. He tried to get counseling, but they didn't seem to think he needed it. I wonder if he told them everything he is telling me... as there was also some weird sexual abuse things happening too, going on in the neighborhood, and his brother abused other kids.

    My ex had a girlfriend from 22 to 27 and said he never was in love with her and that was why he finally broke up with her. Since then, for the last 4 years, he has dated women only the longest for 3 weeks; I am the longest person he dated since he was with that girlfriend. He says he loves me more than any other person, feels the closest to me.

    My ex has moods, some days he is happy, other days he seems distant and grumpy and irritated. He smokes cigarettes; he used to take an SSRI for anxiety, but it is also used for depression, I think he has some kind of depression.

    So we tried again, and we had an amazing time together, we just get along so well and we are so alike in many ways. I really LOVE him a lot, the person he is underneath it all, the man that I see when he is emotionally vulnerable and sharing how he really is. He is more open with me than anyone I ever dated, but when he is distant with me it is so painful. This time we were dating he was not as affectionate, and he said he felt guilty that he was not 100% with me, that he wasn't sure if it is because he is leaving in two months, or if he isn't in love with me. He doesn't know if this is what he should be feeling or if he should be feeling something different.

    I have a tendency to believe that this is because of his childhood, that he can't open up his heart totally, because what we have is special in so many ways; he tells me things no one else ever shared with me and that I'm sure he shares with very few people. We are both as honest as we can with each other, and treat each other with respect... there is a lot of love, but I don't understand why he resists so much... I also believe he has some kind of depression.

    So last night he said he wanted to break up but still be friends for the next two months. He said he felt awful for the last two days that he was just sad all day, and he just wanted to treat me how I deserved to be treated, and it made him feel bad when I said I felt he was being distant... that he felt so guilty about it, now he can't keep doing this. He said he wouldn't have tried this if he didn't care, because he normally made it a principle to not do things a second time, but he really wanted me to be in his life. He said he had a really hard time imagining me not being a part of his life. He said that he went back to me because even though he knew it wasn't a good idea b/c he is leaving, that he rather see me than not see me and that he was really afraid he was making the wrong decision. He said he wanted to be friends, without sex, so he could see me still, and that he would not flirt with or date other women.

    I told him I could not do that, because it would hurt too much to be reminded of why I love him, and that he doesn't open his heart to me. He said he understood. Before I left we got to the point where we were laughing about something again. But when I left I told him to have a safe trip. And he said "you say that as though you don't want to see me anymore?" and he said it really sad, and he jumped up from the chair and hugged me and he kissed my cheek (it seemed for a second he was going to kiss me on my lips). And I left. I sent him an email this morning to not contact me for a year or two.

    I feel so devastated, I really love him, but I just don't understand what is wrong. It seems in so many ways he loves me too, but something is holding him back. I do think he will regret it a lot, but... I don't know... he said so many things last night...about the things I had said that made him feel bad, about how I said I couldn't handle being with someone that is moody long term, and that it made him feel that no one would want to be with him. And I apologized, it wasn't what I meant by it... it makes me sad also to think I ever made him feel bad like that. I would accept his moods, because it is just a part of who he is and I love him. But I would want him to start dealing with some of the underlying issues. Otherwise, it is an unfair burden on me.

    I just don't know how to interpret this situation. I honestly kind of hope he will figure out that he is in love with me, but I don't know... is that an unreasonable hope??? Does this mean he will never love me? What is love anyways, is that passionate spark some people look for somehow more meaningful than this love he feels now? Is it just the situation that he is leaving the country that he is closing his heart off and won't let him feel love?? I'm so sad, I couldn't get out of bed today until 3pm. I know what I feel for him is tremendous love and closeness, and even last night while we were breaking up and he was telling me how he felt and being so vulnerable and telling me how awful he felt after we broke up the last time, he has no interest in dating anyone at all, because he was too sad about it. And just seeing.... how much he shared with me while we were breaking up that he didn't share with me while we were together was hard... I wish he had told me these things before, so I could know how he was feeling.

  2. #2
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    as someone who has been on *both* sides of this coin...

    walk away.

    just let go of the strings and walk.

    i promise you, its the best thing. he is confused, a little selfish and the best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on loving YOU completely...then find a man with sense enough to agree.

    it will seem hard, impossible, painful, etc. but i promise you. your dignity and sanity will be much better intact if you just d-r-o-p this whole thing now.

    i telly you this from hard-earned experience...

    i passionately loved a man who dealt with depression and didn't love me back.

    i kinda-sorta-loved-but-not-IN-love with a guy who was depressed and wanted to marry me.

    there's not much good left to come out of this. let go and back out gracefully now, hon. you'll find someone for you and real love is NOT this hard to recognize and be in. i can almost promise.

    best of luck.

  3. #3
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    I second Mustard. As painful as it is to walk away, it will be even more painful to stick around and have this guy waver back and forth between being close and distant. He sounds really confused. I'm sure the upbringing has something to do with it, as does his upcoming departure, as does his own nature. But when you're in love with someone, you know it - if he doesn't know, he's not going to figure it out within the next 2 months. If anything, he's more likely to figure it out if you leave him alone for a while.

    There's a HUGE difference between loving and being in love with someone. I've been there. I stayed with him because I loved him (as in, cared deeply about him), but I wasn't - and never could be - in love with him. Leaving him was hard, but staying would have been even harder.

    Good luck! (((hugs)))

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    I've been fed that load of crap before myself....

    It basically means, I want to continue to date you/sleep with you, but just don't be surprised when I suddenly dump you because I never "get there" with you.

    Move on. As hard as it is, someone out there will not feel the need to waver back and forth and make your emotions go up and down. It's waaaaay too draining. Trust me.

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  6. #5
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    Sounds familiar

    My husband of 4-1/2 years pulled that crap with me 6 months ago after declaring to all our family and friends I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Blindsided and humiliated, that jerk is now my ex-husband. Don't let yourself be tossed in that windstorm of a mind and heart rape.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by sweetarts26
    I've been fed that load of crap before myself....

    It basically means, I want to continue to date you/sleep with you, but just don't be surprised when I suddenly dump you because I never "get there" with you.

    Move on. As hard as it is, someone out there will not feel the need to waver back and forth and make your emotions go up and down. It's waaaaay too draining. Trust me.
    This is not true. He said he wanted us to be friends, to not sleep together. He is not wanting to sleep with me... he doesn't want to hurt me... he is not being selfish in this... If he did not care he would not be so honest with me. He really does have a good heart. He is not pulling crap.

    I don't plan to see him or contact him. In my mind, it is over and there is no chance of the situation to change. But I **know** he loves me. It's weird, but I just know it. We spent so much quality time together, it isn't about sex. I know it. He is trying to be a good person and respect my needs for more... and he isn't able to give it. I don't know why he can't, I don't know if it will ever change, I don't know if his expectations for love are based in reality or a dream, I don't know if he is really in love with me and is just afraid to feel it for all the reasons I listed... I don't know what it is. I just know that I love him and he is unable to love me back. And I have to move on, as confusing as it is... as many questions as it leaves in my mind.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by gbr2bagain
    My husband of 4-1/2 years pulled that crap with me 6 months ago after declaring to all our family and friends I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Blindsided and humiliated, that jerk is now my ex-husband. Don't let yourself be tossed in that windstorm of a mind and heart rape.
    I'm sorry that happened to you. I think the situation is different because you had a long relationship. I'm sure that his situation is that it is about long term commitment and selfishness; both situations are essentially about commitment, but your ex-husband at one time made that commitment and then changed his mind... His issues are possibly different.

    It isn't heart rape though... I mean, I don't know... I guess I just don't see my ex as a bad person, he isn't trying to hurt me, he is being honest with me and very forthcoming. If he did not care he could have kept having sex with me for the next 1.5 months and string me along, but because he cares for me and is feeling guilty about not being 100%, he is cutting me loose. And I respect him for that... I love him even more for it, that is what is so heartbreaking about it.

  9. #8
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    I really struggle with this.... because he has never been in love with anyone before... He is 31 and dated countless women...

    This is why I think the problem may be something inside of him... and not with him and I... but I am not sure... I know I just need to accept the fact he is not in love with me and he never will be and move on... but when I remember that... I don't know...

    I sent him an email yesterday, just saying that despite his moods he is lovable and love isn't about perfection, and that he doesn't have any problem it's just he doesn't love me that's all. And I said, please do not write me back. And he wrote me back in a minute and said thank you for the email. he wanted to write good things about me but didn't want to make it harder for me. and good luck, hugs... it was a weird email, i just didn't understand the point of it.


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