my worst obstical before death

i'm not really asking for help about suicide i just think that this is the best place to put it so i'm saying it here.

i've been depressed for years, hospitalized twice, sent to a mental rehab center for 55 days, put on meds, blah blah blah. now... suicide isnt my issue here because i've already spent several years contemplating it and trying to find reasons not to... asking people for reasons that i shouldnt, and anything else you can think of, but the logical and best option for me is to not be living anymore.

my biggest problem is that i can't for the life of me figure out why all the people who supposedly "care" about me, want me to be miserable. everyone keeps saying "i just want you to be happy" and "things will get better just give it time" and all those crappy excuses. but noone has given me a reason to keep living. except one person. my therepist gave me a very good reason to keep living, "because it is our most basic instinct to preserve our own life and to create offspring" now i am a very logical person. and this makes perfect sense. i mean nature is saying keep yourself alive and dont die unless it absolutely cannot be helped. this probably would have worked had he not also given me a counter argument that is better, "nature says survival of the fittest. when an animal or plant (and i consider humans animals) is defective in some way nature kills it off. and the desire to kill myself is in itself a defect which makes it a self fulfilling prophecy and therefore i should die"

now i'm off topic... sorry about that. my question is "why do these people who say they care about me and want me to be happy act in a way that completely contradicts that and what they tell me to do is be miserable?

How you feel is temporary if you take the steps to change it. Death cannot be changed.

How you feel is temporary if you take the steps to change it. Death cannot be changed.

death can't be changed as far as you know. i have heard of several cases where people have been pronounced dead and then were revived.

and how i feel is not temporary. i have been getting worse and worse for the past 6 years. and for about the last 3 or 4 i have wanted to be dead. i was 12 when i started cutting myself because of my depression. 13 when i got pulled out of school for cutting. 15 when i was hospitalized (mental hospital) for cutting and wanting to commit suicide. and now i'm 18 and i want to die more then ever.

i cannot take steps to change how i feel because god (and yes i firmly believe in god whether you guys believe this or not) is forcing me to be miserable. at any given moment i am either miserable or god is making me miserable. i'll give you a couple of examples that are recent.

last thursday i was depressed and had nothing to do so i went to the minigolf course.... now god loves to screw with me so since i had decided to kill myself he thought it would be a good idea to convince me otherwise. so god puts this very nice girl around my age at the golf course with me. we get to talking and i take her home and i go home with her phone number. that night i also found out that a girl i have a crush on wanted to kiss me. so over the next 2 days i decided that things were going pretty good so maybe life wasnt so bad and i could stick around for a while. sunday rolls around and i go to the girl's house that i met at the minigolf course and we have a great time flirting and hanging out with her family and so i'm planning out how i'm going to tell her i like her and try to kiss her... when i find out that she has had a boyfriend for the last 6 months. and she doesnt want to ruin things with him because she's never liked anyone other then him before i showed up. the next day, i find out that the girl i have a crush on who wants to kiss me (who i knew was in a relationship but both of them have personally told me that it is an open one so i didnt have a problem with kissing her) i found out that she no longer wants to kiss me because she doesnt want to screw things up with her girlfriend.

so naturally when this happened i was right back to suicide because god just likes to screw with me

this may sound like coincidence but this stuff happens all the time. for example tonight.... i had my swing dance class. now i went there completely miserable wanting to die. after a while people kept smiling and being happy around me so it started to rub off and i start to get in a good mood. about 5 minutes after i stop thinking about killing myself, i go and fall (now i never get hurt with anything) but this time god decided to make me miserable again by making me hit my knee on the ground in just the absolute perfect way to get it to hurt really bad and start swelling.

so my point is no matter what i do to try and be happy god is right there to put a stop to it.

got any other reasons i shouldnt die so i can explain why those are invalid?

ps. i dont mean invalid for everyone i just mean for me. because so far no one has a legitimate reason for me to not die that i dont have a reason that is just as good to even things back out

Have you ever heard of the term "looking at the world through rose-colored glasses"? Well, you are looking at the world through "god hates me and death is the only way out" colored glasses. Did you notice how it only took a few minor incidents to make you question your outlook? Doesn't that in itself convince you that your circumstances could (and probably will) change for the better at any previously undisclosed moment?

If everyone who got rejected by a girl or bumped their knee killed themselves the human race would have ended long ago. You just need to change the way you're thinking about things. Life is full of ups and downs. You need to learn to accept the bad stuff along with the good stuff instead of thinking all of the bad things are reasons to want to die.

maybe i wasnt clear about this... those were examples. this crap happens to me on a minute by minute basis. any time i have any chance at being a little bit happy it gets screwed up. every single time. starting back when i was in the third grade. yes i know that sounds ridiculous because it was third grade and i was just a little kid but thats when all this crap started.

but this is also all off topic. what i want to know is why everyone who "cares" about me wants me to be miserable

what i want to know is why everyone who "cares" about me wants me to be miserable

Can you give some examples?

dan, at any moment your outlook can change and stick. The people who care about you know this and most of them I'd wager have been alive longer so they've experienced it over and over again. They don't want you to give up before you get your walk in the sunshine.

i tell someone i want to die and they say something like "no dont die because i care about you and you should just keep going through life because it might get better"

and alot of the time i get the line of "killing yourself is selfish. think of all the people that are going to be miserable if you die"

to which i respond "telling me not to die is selfish. think of how long i'm going to have to suffer if i keep living"

or they tell me something like "death is never an option. you could do so much and help so many people in your life"

none of which make me feel any better about my life

Keep doing things like your dance class that you enjoy. Make your whole life about things you enjoy (maybe a little bit of helping others here and there wouldn't hurt either). Do this for three solid months and see how you feel. Keep us posted.

dan, at any moment your outlook can change and stick. The people who care about you know this and most of them I'd wager have been alive longer so they've experienced it over and over again. They don't want you to give up before you get your walk in the sunshine.

no the people who "care" about me havent experienced it over and over again.

they have something to live for. they want to be alive. they feel that there is a reason to live. none of them have been hospitalized because they were being rational. no one that i have ever talked to was put on medication (that only made things worse) because they were using their brains and a little bit of common... uncommon sense.

just because most people cant see the world for what it is, doesnt mean that i'm crazy for using my brain

they have no idea what kind of pain i am constantly having to suffer through

dan, I'm not sure I understand your pain. It seemed to me that it was relieved quite easily in dance class and when you hopeful about the women. Did I misunderstand?

Keep doing things like your dance class that you enjoy. Make your whole life about things you enjoy (maybe a little bit of helping others here and there wouldn't hurt either). Do this for three solid months and see how you feel. Keep us posted.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! do things that i enjoy like my dance class? that is another thing god has screwed up for me. as soon as i started getting into the whole learning how to dance thing (i started off complaining alot and not wanting to dance) the teacher decides she isnt going to teach anything new. she is going to be a complete b**** about everything and just make us go over the same dance routine over and over again so that we can perform it in some stupid show.

momentarily yes things were starting to look up. but it ends up being alot like stocks. if a stock price is going down and you own it things are bad. it may go down 20 or 30 dollars and then back up 5 or 10 and then it starts going back down again. which is what happens with my life. things get bad, they stay bad for a very long time, and then for a moment they seem ok. until they start being horrible again within a few days

ok, so why not become a bit more existential? Everything doesn't have to be judged as good or bad. Or alternatively, why not consider it a good day if you wake up breathing? That's what I do. When things happen, as they always will, I think to myself, "Hmm, that happened, is there anything I need to do about it?" I've been practicing this type of thinking for some time so even though I know there was a time I looked at every thing as good or bad, I don't remember why anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! do things that i enjoy like my dance class? that is another thing god has screwed up for me. as soon as i started getting into the whole learning how to dance thing (i started off complaining alot and not wanting to dance) the teacher decides she isnt going to teach anything new. she is going to be a complete b**** about everything and just make us go over the same dance routine over and over again so that we can perform it in some stupid show.

Ok, so it turns out you didn't like that particular class. Try another one. If you think everything sucks, then it will. The circumstances will arise or descend to meet your expectations. Find things you like. Find yourself. Like yourself.

ok, so why not become a bit more existential? Everything doesn't have to be judged as good or bad. Or alternatively, why not consider it a good day if you wake up breathing? That's what I do. When things happen, as they always will, I think to myself, "Hmm, that happened, is there anything I need to do about it?" I've been practicing this type of thinking for some time so even though I know there was a time I looked at every thing as good or bad, I don't remember why anymore.

i dont judge things on a good or bad scale. i judge them on a "is this making me more depressed and miserable or is it taking away from my misery" scale. most things end up adding to my misery.

i try very hard not to judge things themselves because things just are. i try ot look at things objectively and when something happens it just happens. it isnt good or bad it just simply is. now my emotions about what happens is a different story because they are inherently subjective. therefore looking at them in an objective way, i have to decide if the thing that happened makes me more or less miserable

Ok, so it turns out you didn't like that particular class. Try another one. If you think everything sucks, then it will. The circumstances will arise or descend to meet your expectations. Find things you like. Find yourself. Like yourself.

thats not the case at all. i loved the class for a while. and then the teacher changed how she was acting and everything went downhill from there. and things do not arise or descend to meet my expectations because i was expecting the class to be fun and happy for me but instead those hopes were brutally destroyed when the class turned out to make me miserable

i dont judge things on a good or bad scale. i judge them on a "is this making me more depressed and miserable or is it taking away from my misery" scale. most things end up adding to my misery.

 

i try very hard not to judge things themselves because things just are. i try ot look at things objectively and when something happens it just happens. it isnt good or bad it just simply is. now my emotions about what happens is a different story because they are inherently subjective. therefore looking at them in an objective way, i have to decide if the thing that happened makes me more or less miserable

Well, and I know you may not like this, but it seems like you are choosing to be miserable. Let me explain.

Here's an example. You like fish but dinner consists of chicken. You choose to be miserable because you like fish better. See what I mean? Isn't it enough that you get to eat a nutritious meal?

so what you are saying is that i should think "i acknowledge that my life is a complete ball of crap and nothing good will ever come from it for more then a few moments, but i'm alive so i'm going to be happy that i get to live this life of crap" ?

so what you are saying is that i should think "i acknowledge that my life is a complete ball of crap and nothing good will ever come from it for more then a few moments, but i'm alive so i'm going to be happy that i get to live this life of crap" ?

How about just the bolded part?

ok how bout i put that into a bit of a different context and you can decide if it is a good way to look at things or not. (i know i am going a little overboard but i am leaving the basic idea in tact)

i have a bottle of bleach in front of me. i pour some into a glass and think "i'm happy that i have something to drink"

sounds kinda rediculous doesnt it?

ok how bout i put that into a bit of a different context and you can decide if it is a good way to look at things or not. (i know i am going a little overboard but i am leaving the basic idea in tact)

 

i have a bottle of bleach in front of me. i pour some into a glass and think "i'm happy that i have something to drink"

 

sounds kinda rediculous doesnt it?

Yes, because bleach isn't edible without very serious health consequences. So, are you tired of life's consequences?

yes. the consequences of living arent worth what i get out of it.

my problem isnt wether or not i should kill myself. i have spent a very long time looking at the pros and cons of both living and dieing and have made an informed intelegent decision about what the best thing for me is.

i just want to know, before i do die, why people who say they "care about me" want to see me suffer instead of just end it