Boyfriend loves me, but is not sure I'm the "one"

I don’t even know where to begin.

I am 24 and he is 23. We met in University. Some background on our relationship: we’ve been together 3 ½ years. We are now LD, because he works in a different city than I do. We lived together for two of those years. Our relationship has been extremely rocky, but recently, we’ve made it better and it’s working so perfectly. The problem is my boyfriend is obessessed with self-development and he doesn’t think he can manage it, while he is in a long-term committed relationship. He wants to focus 100% on his self-development, so he feels the relationship would interfere.

Recently, I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to know if he wanted me in his life, or not. That’s when I found out another part of the reason why he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. He doesn’t think I’m the “one”.

He loves me. He enjoys my company. He can even see himself being extremely happy with me in the future, but where the problem is, is his mindset and his ideals. I’m not the ideal person in his head. He has this perfect person all set up in his head and I don’t match her. He knows I’m not the one he wants ideally (in his head). So right now, we’re going on a break, so that I can give him some space to think.

He’s trying to figure out if he can truly drop the feelings about me not being the one he wants, without ever being resentful, because that is what he feels will truly determine whether or not our relationship can have a fair chance of succeeding. He feels very strongly that he won’t be able to, but he wants to be 100% sure. He says he doesn’t want to date anymore, unless the ideal girl, who matches his description 100% comes along. He says he loves me so much, but he doesn’t think he can let go of this mindset and he’s worried he’ll resent our relationship in the future.

This is extremely frustrating to me, so I would like some insight from you guys. He’s not lying, when he says our relationship is everything he needs and he’d be perfectly happy with it. He is happy now, but he’s worried he may feel differently in the future, because he knows I’m not the ideal girl in his mind. He is worried that these doubts will ultimately be the thing to end our relationship. Can someone give me some advice on how I should deal with this and if there is any advice I could give him? We're having one last talk tonight, before we go on a break, or maybe break up for good.

All you can do is give him the space he requests. It must hurt a lot to hear him say that, but he is being honest with his feelings and it seems as if he doesn't want to string you along. Let him go and live life for yourself. Hopefully he will figure out what he wants sooner than later. Good luck.

I agree with Duckie, even though it is probably not what you want to hear. He has doubts, pretty serious ones and if they are not cleared up after 3 and a half years together then it is unlikely that he is going to get over them.

Try to think about this as simply as possible -- he has pretty much told you straight up he doesn't want to marry you or be with you indefinitely. PERIOD. Honestly any words after that (aka, I love you, I'd be happy, etc.) are essentially water under the bridge because he JUST told you he doesn't want YOU. He wants someone *else*.

I know that might seem over-simplified and your gut reaction is to say "but, but"... trust me, there are no "but"s. I have been through this too... he is just too scared to tell you he wants out.

If I were you I would give him the axe. You should be with a guy who feels like its his PRIVELEGE and HONOR to be YOUR "one". What about YOUR ideal guy? Does he think he fits that? Is he without flaws?

I think he will seriously regret this, I know my ex did. But that's not your concern. He has indirectly told you what he wants... I would really consider giving it to him.

Hugs to you...

Honestly, I know you're all right. I'm such an idiot. I hate myself so much right now. I can't even describe it. Why do we always have to love the ones that hurt us the most?

Don't get down on yourself. You don't deserve it. You fell in love with a man, there is nothing wrong with that. One thing you have to realise is that you can't control anyone else. You can't control how he feels about you. That's why there are so many "love hurts" stories out there because it truly can and does.

IHe’s trying to figure out if he can truly drop the feelings about me not being the one he wants, without ever being resentful, because that is what he feels will truly determine whether or not our relationship can have a fair chance of succeeding. He feels very strongly that he won’t be able to, but he wants to be 100% sure.

My, how generous of him. It was so nice of him to explain in painstaking detail that he's willing to consider, you know, *completely sacrificing his future happiness to be with you*, since you aren't his type an' all.

Girl, you need to tell this guy that YOUR ideal partner is somebody who thinks you are beautiful and smart and funny and interesting and an all around great catch, regardless of what Hollywood-inspired template he is trying to match you up against.

Please. You are too good to play second-best to an imaginary woman.

You fell in love with a man, there is nothing wrong with that.

Exactly. You can't love without risk. You will hurt but ultimately you will learn from this and you will put it into its right perspective.

Try to think about this as simply as possible -- he has pretty much told you straight up he doesn't want to marry you or be with you indefinitely. PERIOD. Honestly any words after that (aka, I love you, I'd be happy, etc.) are essentially water under the bridge because he JUST told you he doesn't want YOU. He wants someone *else*.

 

Very, very true.

It's unfortunate that he's admitting this after 3 1/2 years of being together. But I do have to agree with the people who've said it's best to end things. If I knew that every single day my boyfriend was imagining a life with someone (whether a specific woman or a fantasy woman) that wasn't me, I would be incredibly unhappy, I'd feel insecure, and I would feel like he didn't *really* love me.

But if that's really how he feels, you deserve to move on and find someone who does think you're "the one."

No offence to you OP but i admire him for his honesty. He clearly loves you but is having huge doubts. I'm sure it's not easy for him to 'give up' on his girl of 3.5 years. It is unfortunate that this is happening but what can you do? Maybe after his break and comes back from fantasy land he will realize what he has infront of him. On the recieving end of that, i agree with everyone else. I wouldnt be able to handle hearing that from the girl i love. You seem to have pretty good communication, i hope things work out for the best.

No offence to you OP but i admire him for his honesty. He clearly loves you but is having huge doubts. I'm sure it's not easy for him to 'give up' on his girl of 3.5 years. It is unfortunate that this is happening but what can you do? Maybe after his break and comes back from fantasy land he will realize what he has infront of him. On the recieving end of that, i agree with everyone else. I wouldnt be able to handle hearing that from the girl i love. You seem to have pretty good communication, i hope things work out for the best.

No offence taken. He is a really honest guy. He's just telling me all this, so I know what he's thinking at all times. As much as I want to be with him. I don't think I could take him back after this. I'm always going to wonder, if he has truly changed his mind, or if he's just waiting for someone better to come along. I think this relationship is over either way. Thanks for all the responses everyone!