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Thread: "Rubber band effect"??

  1. #1
    mags_7531
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    "Rubber band effect"??

    Hi everyone, so i have been recently reading the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and have been very interested in the part about men being like rubber bands. That they need to pull away and then will eventually come back.

    So here's my situation. My bf and i were together for a little over a year when he broke up with me. We ended up getting back together 3 month later and now we have been back together for almost 3 months again.

    He seems to be very distant over the last few weeks, pretty much since easter. I invited him to my family easter dinner and he declined. In the last few weeks we have only seen eachother twice. This is rare cause we usually almost spend everyday together when we can and work doesnt interfere. So i decided to give him space and just try to do my own thing thinking we would come back to his old self. Well hes not and its getting worse.

    I tried talkign to him about things and hes said it was all in my head, that we were spending to much time together, and that i need to see my friends more instead of always hanging out with him.

    So i dont know what to do from here. DO i keep giving him space or try to talk to him again?

    I just keep thinking i cant make him want to spend time with me so i dont really have much of a choice in this problem

  2. #2
    Catdancer

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    It really sounds like he has pulled away from you emotionally and now physically. I havent read the book that you referenced but in my relationship I can see the pulling away/coming back effect, but for some people it's natural. When my bf is stressed out or has alot of stuff on his mind, or if he's upset, he will pull away from me. It olny lasts a day or so, and I have learned to just give him his space. If I push him to talk, he pulls even further away. But if I sit back and resist the urge to hound him about it, he will work it out in his own way and tell me eventually. Is this what you're experiencing or is it more? I would image that if he's been slowly pulling more and more away from you since Easter then it must be something pretty big.

  3. #3
    Tethys
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    Don't think much about that book or try to apply it to your relationship.

    I would give him space and start working on your own social life and leave him alone. I don't know what his problem is, as I don't know much about your relationship, but it does sound as though you need more of a life outside this relationship. Once you have done that, and given him his space, see what happens. Is he coming to you? Or are you running back to him? Etc..

  4. #4
    lady00
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    The fact that he says it's all in your head...that sort of thing would bug me! He's not taking your concerns seriously. What was his reason for not going to your family dinner? Has he been to those things in the past?

  5. #5
    melissa2009
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    Without knowing the background
    and definitely not wanting to discourage or hurt you,
    to me, an unbiased reader,
    what i am hearing is that he is losing interest.

    Maybe he has a good reason - work overload, end of a phd, exams, sick parent ... but assuming none of these apply...

    basically, my view is, if he wanted to spend time with you, he would.
    It is concerning that his time with you has decreased of late (that's not the right direction for it to be going in. In my experience, rubber band goes back and forth, not in one direction).
    It's also of concern that you were already broken up before. Whose decision? Could he be having second thoughts about getting back together again, but not yet ready to pull the plug?

    On the other hand, he could have perfectly good reasons for refusing to visit your family at easter. If, for eg, he prefers his family or dislikes yours or even just wanted time on the sofa rather than to be polite or to be focus of discussion of your family - I wouldn't read a lot into that.

    What is more of concern that he's choosing not to spend time with you.

    If this is because you are chasing him, well, maybe it will change if you become 'less available' - if he still wants you.
    If not - well, it will die a natural death - and this is not necessarily a bad thing, because if it was going to not work, then you can't make it work, and you're better off knowing now that it wouldn't work, so you don't waste any more time on a guy who is not the right one for you.

    And there are plenty more out there - maybe someone more suited to you is just around the corner. You don't know until you start looking.

    So don't worry too much. Either it will work or it won't. You are correct in saying you can't force him to choose to spend time with him. But it is your choice to decide whether to wait around for him or not. Maybe suggest going back to dating, rather than serious one-on-one, since he doesn't want to spend time with you any more (have some evidence to back up your claim, and not just easter).

  6. #6
    mags_7531
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    About easter dinner- I asked him to come with me to mine and he said he had his family dinner that same day. And i said thats ok my dad said we can either do ares on sun or mon so i will come with you to yours on sun and we can go to mine on mon. He didnt like this suggestion at all. He said "you go to your and i'll go to mine".

    This has been a reaccuring issue with family events. He recently said to me that i always invite myself to his family gatherings. Which i kinda do cause i assume he would want me there but thats just not the case i guess. He thinks its not assumed that we should want eachtoehr at family events. Even tho i have gone to them with him in the past and his parents both love me and always ask for me to come over more when i do finally get to see them.

  7. #7
    lady00
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    None of this sounds good, I'm sorry to say. He doesn't sound like he is being that nice about it or giving real reasons why you two should not be spending time together. I would be very tempted to take my heart and run from a situation like this.

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    annie24
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    i agree with this 100%. i agree with taking a step back on the relationship.

  9. #9
    Crazyaboutdogs
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    It sounds like he doesn't want a relationship where you are in each other's pockets all the time. Do you have friends and other interests. It sounds to me like you made him your life. You have only been going out a year before he broke up with you for 3 months and now only 3 months since. I can understand it being too soon for all the family invites and spending half time with one family and half time with the other family like a long-time couple. I think you need to back off and start cultivating your own interests. Have other plans for yourself and do your own thing. I don't know the entire situation so maybe he is losing interest...or maybe he is the type who needs space and alone time to do his own thing and he finds the relationship a bit too intense.

  10. #10
    Sweet Venus
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    Yeah..he might just not be a 'relationshippy" type of person. I am not the type who likes to spend ALL my time with my S.O. I need space, but that doesn't mean I don't love my S.O. or that I don't want to be with them...I just need someone who understands that or who is as independent as I am. I'm also squemish about doing "family" stuff with people I barely know.
    He may just be losing interest, but either way, all you can really do is back off. Crowding someone is never the answer in a situation like this.

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