what do i do

Ok her goes,Married for 20 years,3 years ago whilst I was in the middle of a nervous breakdown i caught my wife having an affair,texting only on her cell/mobile to a 34 year old guy,she assures me they never met and i actually believe her on this,shortly after this she went out with her friends and got paralitically drunk and spent all night necking with some guy in a club,she says her drink was spiked.then late last year she went away on a 3 day mini cruise with a friend and on the last morning she accidently sent me a txt message asking if I had an hangover and did I have any headache tablets,when she returned home later that day she said it was just some boy (age 20) she was talking with the night before and nothing happened,why did they exchange phone numbers?then recently we went to my sisters birthday party where my wife got drunk and was throwing herself all over my nephews and his friends,it was so embarassing,people commented on how much of a tramp she was being.My wife now runs her own beauty salon and among other things does pamper partys where she employs a friends son (age 23) as a topless waiter,when she first used him she sent a txt message to 1 of her friends saying "my topless waiter looks gorgeous i can hardly keep my hands off him,maybe I shouldnt be looking at her messages but i'm getting a little paranoid and hate myself for doing this,anyway I got an annonymous text message a few days ago saying "dont trust your wife with the topless waiter,thers more to it than it seems,Again I looked at her phone and she had deleted texts which I undeleted(im a phone engineer),shed been texting him discussing whether to give him a spray tan or a cream tan for an upcoming party,he said a cream tan would be better as he knows how much she enjoyed applying it last time,she replied she was looking forward to it.when i confronted her she says it is just business,I can guess the advice but I really do love her and don't know what to do,we have a home and 2 kids

and i really don't know what to do.....

You have a couple of options.

1. leave her

2. ask her to leave

3. put up with her behavior because it doesnt sound like she wants or thinks she needs to change--so it would be up to you to "just deal with it"

welcome to enotalone. i am sorry but it sounds like your wife is up to no good!!! i'd probably talk to a good divorce lawyer.

Yes, it does sound like she's cheating or seriously thinking of it.

If you have the funds, you might want to hire a private detective to see what he finds out. You could also use that evidence in a divorce trial.

If you don't want to divorce and can forgive her for whatever she is doing, i'd suggest you insist on seeing a marriage counselor with her. Tell her her behavior is becoming obvious and people are warning you in anonymous texts, and you need to deal with it.

If she refuses to go, then you have to decide whether you can tolerate her behavior, and if not, get a divorce attorney.

I'm sorry if this is offensive but the first thing that came to my mind when I was reading your post is that your wife just seems like someone who loves the attention from other men and can't seem to control herself around anything with a pulse. I don't think she is trustworthy at all. I don't think her behaviour will improve.

You've been married for 20 years - how long has she been behaving this way? It is completely out of character for her? It sounds like she may be experiencing some kind of mid-life crisis. Have the two of you discussed that?

I don't even think you need a detective. You already know what you need to know. She's cheating on you. As some others have mentioned you basically have two choices - either file for divorce or put up with it. I would recommend the divorce route but that's easy for me to say. Only you can make the ultimate decision.

Your wife is behaving like a single woman. She doesnt value your relationship enough to respect you or herself. This is just unnaceptable behaviour. Get rid of her.

Just an idea.

Does the swinging lifestyle appeal to you? You could prob communicate an open your relationship to allow sex with other partners. The deal being that you MUST be there for any and all sex. That way you know whats going on. Dunno about your age but I would hate to see you alone. You could even reap some rewards by having some action of your own with other married women. I have a friend who dabbles in this and its a lifestyle thing and there are alot of people who do this.

just a thought.

other options would be marriage council or divorce.

All of this doesn't mean she doesn't love you, she might just have urges, it happens when women go thru thier midlife crisis.

Alternate thought, get some viagra and wear it out man, make it where she has no juices left or sexual energyto mess with any other man.

we have a home and 2 kids

Its such a shame she doesnt remember that.

I think she needs a good slap accross the backside with your divorce papers and the sooner the better. Might be the wake up call she needs.

If you allow this to continue, then continue it will.

It looks like you have a case of arrested development here. Your wife is behaving like a horny teenager (or can we say, oversexed cougar?) around these men. She does not have the mindset of a committed, married adult woman.

You are going to have to step up and establish some boundaries. If she has no self control, she has no business being married. She considers rubbing cream all over her gorgeous, topless waiter business? No, I'm sorry, that's not business, it's pleasure.

You need to take action. At least see a divorce lawyer and find out what your options are. If she won't go to counseling, go yourself and find out what chance you have, if any, of saving your marriage.

So long as you remain her training wheels and safety net, she can do as she likes and you get to be miserable. Is this what either of you need?

I was married 24 years and had my wife dump me and our children (now 17, 15 and 12. I had stuff like this going on. But this only happened after I had PIs get the evidence and I confronted her with it. She cannot have it both ways unless you allow it. So stop this, for you and for her.

No matter what she tells you, your wife has affairs with other men. What you're hearing is lies and dissembly so that she can have it all.

You must stop this, she will not.

Peace and strength,

Raoul

wow... uh you should leave her. Pack up her bags, and leave them on your front porch. Oh, and change your locks. When you hear a banging on your door at 3 am tell her that shes free to go spend the night with her gorgeous topless waiter kid... and to screw off.

Im sorry but theres nothing in what you wrote that even remotely speaks of her being able to handle a marriage. And everything you wrote would be a last straw for me.

Your wife is behaving like a single woman. She doesnt value your relationship enough to respect you or herself. This is just unnaceptable behaviour. Get rid of her.

Agreed. Time to DTB and get a lawyer.