Cutting toxic people out of your life

As I go through life, on my journey with Bipolar, I have noticed there are a few people who are toxic and definitely do not help with my recovery and so I have slowly faded these people out, and brought positive ones in to replace them. There is one person however, who still remains. My mother.

Not officially diagnosed, but I am completely sure, she has a Histrionic/Narcissistic Personality. She is literally an emotional vampire who drains the life out of me. Through the years, I have become stronger, but in various times of need in my life, she is always guaranteed to turn the crisis around and be all about her - typical of Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Histrionic briefly is described as someone with these traits:

1. A person is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention.

2. A person displays inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior when interacting with others.

3. A person's expressions of emotions rapidly shift and are shallow.

4. A person will draw attention to self using their physical appearance by dressing provocatively.

5. A person's speech is excessively impressionistic and lacks in detail.

6. A person will show an exaggerated expression of emotion and self-dramatization.

7. A person is easily influenced by others.

8. A person perceives relationships to be more intimate than they actually are. A person with Histrionic Personality Disorder also is overly concerned with their physical appearance and is overly sensitive to disapproval. They do not think before they act. They are self-centered and rarely show concern for others. They also may threaten or attempt suicide in order to get attention.

I am about to embark on a very difficult part of life. My father-in-law, who I am very close to, is terminally ill. I mentioned it to her the other day, and in no time at all, some how, had swung it around to be about her.

I dont see her very often, as they live far away, but it doesnt take much contact, to send me into a rage. I have come along way with therapy, but there is only so much I can do. Without going into details, ever since I can remember, she has blamed her life, her dissapointments, her imaginary physical illnesses on me in one way or another - literally saying to me, that she has sacrificed her life for me.

I feel, as now, my life is going to change so drastically, I really need to have a good support system around me. My mother in law (who I adore) will most likely live with us, after my father in law passes. We already have one young child, and are planning another baby soon. And my mother, is such a toxic person, I really can't see her being part of my life, as a good thing.

I realise it's not my place in this world to say, who is good and who is bad, and make judgments on people, as I'm certainly anything close to perfect, but

she really is such a cruel, selfish person, who hides under a weak, sad exterior. I also know ultimately it's my decision, but has anyone else here, had

to cut a parent or other close family member out of their lives?

There's so many complications to this. My Dad has Bipolar but refuses to see a doctor. And last time I asked my mother to back off when I was pregnant with our now 3 year old son, she threatened to attempt suicide. My parents are "mentally" such a mess, but they refuse to seek any kind of help. I have tried for years to help them, but I have finally realised, you really can't help people who don't want to change. But I can't continue to live like this. I have also tried to go through my Dad and approach the whole thing that way, yet things progress, he stands up for and enables her behaviour, so now when I bring up the past, he tells me it's so long ago I should just forget about it, and says "Why can't you just get over it?" Trust me. I'd LOVE to get over it.

Any experience, advice, anything, is much appreciated.

- A.

Hi,

My family isn't toxic, but my ex-in-laws were.

They didn't believe in getting "help" because they thought that was for "crazy people" so I can understand.

I think my issue is that I was sort of bent on changing them, making the way I wish they were, or somehow feeling that I needed to "be heard" by them each time I saw them (mostly the last thing). I think you need to just relegate to the fact that your parents are the way they are. Unless they have an epiphany, they aren't going to change and in some ways need eachother/feed off eachother in a codependent way that may look sick from the outside. But it floats their boat.

I think that it may be not the right move at this time to erase them from your lives. I don't think its fair to the kids to never know who their grandparents are. Rather, I suggest you allow them in your life with a clear set of boundaries. They don't have to see them or talk to them everyday. Your parents may not know how to communicate, but may still love you. You have appeared to have put up a boundary before by telling her to "back off" but it takes consistency.

When there is a family gathering or holiday, I have met at a neutral location and have the event have a clear start and end time. When you meet a number of people out for dinner, you can gracefully leave after an hour or two before things get thick. Or even meet at someone's house who is not the normal host, and then make sure at a certain time you have somewhere else you need to be. I found that doing that has saved a lot of fighting, and when I had my ex-laws, it was a way I could stay in control.

When we have parents or in-laws that seem like toxic people, they may not seem toxic to the children (unless they abuse them in some way). Most likely the "issue" is among the adults and what hurts kids is not the way the grandparents behave but how their parent behaves. If the parent has clear boundaries and stays collected, they will grow up thinking mom/dad is the face of normalcy and grandma/grandpa is worthy of love but a bit off their rocker. I had a young ex-nephew who was very normal and well rounded and just had the impression that "grandma gets a little crazy" rather than it scarring him.

When mom calls and tries to make you feel guilty, don't let that trigger you. Hang up the phone if you have to, tell her that you have something boiling on the stove and you have to go. Actually, my ex-aunt-in-law had a good one. When my ex-mother-in-law was doing that sort of thing on the phone, she would say something like "do you know that show ____(insert name of show" MIL would say "Yeah, what about it". Ex aunt would say "well its on...bye!" and hang up.

I really don't think its about "cutting someone out" but setting up firm boundaries, and if you are consistent, they will end up being respected....eventually. when she realizes she can't instigate you, she will bark up a different tree or leave you alone on her own

PS...about "getting over it". I understand you are "not over it" but maybe you need to "be over it" in terms of discussing it with your dad. if you need to vent or want to analyze, talk to your husband, a girlfriend, or a counselor, but not Dad, even though emotionally you may feel the need. When we rehash things with someone else that was sort of involved but is not the person in question, that's triangulation, which causes even more grief to us in the long run. If person A has a problem with person B, but instead talks to person C about it who happens to be person B's best friend/spouse, person C feels like they are in the middle, and often is not a good mediator, or it just puts them in a weird position. He is not a good confidant here for year, but I know myself - i would also be attempted to confide in my Dad or feel that he would somehow 'fix things".

Also, there is a quote from "Life's Healing Choices" by John Baker that is very apt here. I paraphrase: it goes something like "unfortunately, we do not choose healing until our pain far exceeds our fear of change (or was it changing- will have to look it up)" It reminds me exactly of what you said about the "not wanting to change" .

Oh I definitely dont complain to my Dad about my mother. Like you say, it puts him in the middle of it. But I do have to talk to him about her behaviour, as without going into it, she has done some evil things that he doesnt know about, that have greatly affected him, and I'm only just realising it now as I put all the pieces together. I dont see the point in telling him what happened exactly many years ago, it would only cause pain to both my parents, but the proverbial sh!t is hitting the fan, and it's because of things she has done and continues to do. It's hitting my Dad in the face, and he can't figure out where it has all come from. He has no idea it has been his wife and mother of his child the whole time.

It's all very complicated.... Thankyou for your replies!

It's hitting my Dad in the face, and he can't figure out where it has all come from. He has no idea it has been his wife and mother of his child the whole time.

It is not up to you to tell him "the cause" of his problems. That is for him to figure out or there will be no healing for him. Also, dont be so quick to assign his problems to your mom. Everyone's problems, or at least how they react to them, are his own. Your mom may have enabled him along the way, or fed into things, but he is an adult too. I was very surprised recently by my siblings perception of an issue between my parents - its a long story, but basically they were imagining my parents thought things that never crossed their mind..

Anyway...I hope things work for the best.