"Dad, this is my housemate/boyfriend..."

Okay, so I live in a house on campus with three guys and two girls.

I've been involved with one of the guys since last October, and we've been official since February. So it's relatively early days, though things are going well and we've exchanged 'I love you's.

Now, my father's driving down next week to bring me back home for a few days. So he's bound to meet my boyfriend! Although I'm really close to my dad, I never tell him about guys. Last time I did, when I was 17 (I'm 20 now), he kept going on about how guys 'just want to sow their seed', assuming I was having sex when I was actually still a virgin. He tends to assume the worst quite often. He's Catholic and pretty conservative, although he's never tried to force beliefs upon me and for the most part trusts and supports me.

My boyfriend's already introduced me to his brother and cousin, and his family know about me.

I know there's a stigma about dating flatmates, although to be honest we're only living here for another three months and because we've got our own separate studies, it's not like we're in each other's pockets.

So I'm a bit worried about telling my dad! Because I'll be at home for a week with him so I'm worried this'll make things awkward!

Thinking about it, what worries me mostly is that introducing this guy to my dad makes this 'serious', in a way... and I guess that scares me because it makes me a little more vulnerable? I hate settling into relationships with the 'this is gonna last forever' mentality, but I'm fully aware that thinking the opposite is obviously going to be detrimental!

So you've been seeing him for 6 months and official for 2? I don't think it would be bad for them to casually meet when he picks you up. You might want to tell your dad ahead of time so he isn't caught off-guard when you introduce them. You were 17 before... of course he is concerned about his "little girl"! You are 20 now & he will always be your father, but I don't think he will react in quite the same way as he did then. You are older, more mature and living on your own.

And introducing him doesn't mean it's going to last forever, or even that you guys are planning on that. It just means, he is someone they will probably meet a few more times and might see around on the holidays. At least, that's what it means for now.

The good news about being an adult and on your own is that you're hardly obligated to make your life an open book to anyone, much less your parents.

Introduce the roommates who are around when your Dad is present, then grab your stuff and go enjOy a week at home with your family--on your own terms.

The time for seeking approval is over, and that's a liberating thing if not a tiny bit scary. If you know that something is completely unnecessary to share and will only ring the man's chimes, then keep it to yourself and make your time together about caring for your family--not causing needless drama.

In your corner.

So...

Today they met, and my boyfriend kinda introduced himself (only by name) before I had the chance. It didn't feel right to just randomly say, 'Yeah, he's my boyfriend by the way' so in the end, nothing was said. We held hands, hugged and kissed near my dad but I guess he didn't see us, or if he did maybe he's just not that bothered.

I feel pretty bad on my boyfriend; he knew I was worried about what my dad would think but I don't want him to think I'm not serious about him or that I'm ashamed or whatever.

You probably won't like the way this sounds, but when someone told it to me I found it to be the most liberating piece of advice I'd ever heard:

It is the height of arrogance to attempt control of what another perceives or thinks, even if it's about you. Your job is to communicate to the best of your ability, and it is the height of maturity to know where your job ends and another's job of processing thought and forming his or her own opinion begins.

Well. I was a bit miffed at the implication that I was being arrogant, but this was said to me when I voiced concern about what my actions caused another to think. Once I got past my resistance to putting down my control-freak weaponry, I realized the truth of this statement.

We can twist and pretzel all we want trying to control the perceptions of parents, boyfriends or anyone else, but all it does it keep us self-centered and lacking in the kind of respect and trust our loved ones deserve.

Communicate your best intentions as well as you can, then let. it. go. Sample one day at a time without control-freaking yourself into misery, and allow yourself to experience the joys of living in the present and permitting others to respect you for who you actually are. Warts and all.

I hope you'll relax and enjoy your visit with your family.

That sounds pretty true.

It's almost like not trusting someone to trust and respect you, feeling you have to 'brainwash' them into it or whatever. That's actually really made me think; thank you!

That sounds pretty true.

 

It's almost like not trusting someone to trust and respect you, feeling you have to 'brainwash' them into it or whatever. That's actually really made me think; thank you!

You're welcome. You know how we always hear old folks say, "If I only knew then what I know now...?" Well, if I only could have known how simple my life would be when I stopped trying to direct everything, I would have enjoyed soooo much more of my youth. But no; I was too busy manipulating. Always trying to out-think everyone and anticipate every perception someone else might have in order to cater to it or change it, and I was constantly spinning my wheels. It was mental poison, and it was exhausting. It doesn't allow for normal human fallibility and flaws as just a part of living.

My biggest liberation came when I started meditating and teaching myself how to go invisible. I stopped making everything about me. I went quiet and quit looking for feedback all the time. I observed others instead of trying to control them. It made me smarter. It made me sensitive to kindness. It enabled my intuition. It made me a better friend, a better lover, a better coworker and a better neighbor.

The problem with youth is that it doesn't teach you how fabulous you are without even trying to be. I hope you'll just take that on faith and enjoy being as imperfect as the next person. They'll love you for it.

In your corner.