(end of?) age gap relationship - i'm 26 and he's 39...I need help!

Hi Everyone,

I've been dating a guy for 9 months (with a four month gap when we stopped seeing each other, I went overseas) who is much older. This has always been a source of bother for me. In fact, when we first met I said I'd prefer it if we remained friends and nothing more than that. Somehow it progressed and one night dinner turned into late night hunt for dessert place, which turned into me staying over at his place (no, we weren't intimate) which then turned into a whole lot of dating and after a few months, we started to have sex.

Fast forward to now. We hadn't really had a discussion to define what we are. After seeing him again for the past three months since I have been back from overseas, there has not been one "I love you." It started to bother me. A lot. As did the pattern of comfort and familiarity that we fell into. Same old routine; I would drive over to his place about one night a week, he'd cook some food, we'd sit on his lounge and watch TV, then go to bed and have sex. Wake up, maybe have sex again, and then go out for a coffee and the morning paper. I started to resent the fact that he didn't take any initiative in taking me out places. I resented even more the complete absence of love, despite us having sex.

So one night a couple of weeks ago - once we'd switched off the TV, and gone to bed (let me just say here that such a banal existence is so completely out of my character that the sheer novelty of it was what made it interesting up until now). He started to hold me, and kiss the back of my neck. In my head I was thinking that this was so wrong, how could I do this knowing that there is no love?

Well, he could tell. He said "what's up?" and that started the first serious discussion we've really had since I came back from overseas. I was honest. I said I felt strange being with someone where there was no "I love you" and no deep connection. It was an opening for him to reassure me, but he didn't. He just said that he knew how I felt. No admonishment of love.

*Blow*

So that was awkward. And oddly, we still ended up having sex. Then I went home the next day - after our coffee and morning paper, of-course. I thought about it, I cried, and I realized that I am wasting my life on this whole thing. I want to have kids, he already has one (I've failed to mention this so far, she's 9 and I've never met her. I only go over when she at her mother's place). I feel second fiddle, not all that important...and now with the confirmation of no love...why bother? I mean, do I even love him? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE! etc, etc...

Later that week we had a discussion over the internet, which blew my mind. We'd always mutually defined our relationship as unusual. I was under the impression that he was referring to the age gap and the fact that he has a daughter. We'd discussed it many times before - and the issues surrounding family reactions, etc etc. Anyway, I was shocked to discover that he meant something entirely different when he said that our relationship was unusual. He was talking about his lack of passion. (His lack of passion????) He said that I shouldn't be able to walk two steps into his door without my clothes coming off, that he's felt that way in all his other relationships with women but not with me.

*Blow*

Added to that, I discover that his previous relationship of two years was with a woman the same age as me.

What the freak???

I was stunned. I thought that it was new territory for both of us...but in the 9 months I've known him, and we've had direct discussions about her and age gap relationships, he failed to mention that important detail?

This left me feeling incredibly hurt, betrayed, a little creeped out and angry! I said I needed time to think this all through. That was a week ago and guess what? Not once has he attempted to contact me, not even to ask if I am doing alright.

Bastard.

So now I just need to know what to do...more specifically - how do I end it? I want to move on with my life and leave space for the possibility of finding a man who does love me and deserve me for crying out loud.

*Sigh*

I don't think you need to do anything to end it, he hasn't contacted you, so just don't contact him again.

Sorry but it sounds like it was just a regular booty call, or a FWB situation. It does seem like deep down you knew that, but hoped that maybe there could be more? This kind of relationship is fine if that's what both parties want.

No point wasting anymore of your time on this as it's not going anywhere, find someone who values you. And at least you dind't invest too much of your time in him, considering 4 out of the 9 months you were overseas.

Good luck

That sucks to invest so much time with someone only to have them eventually tell you that they do not want at all what you want! Sometimes it seems like we want to be in a relationship so much that we will try to bend & squeeze someone in that just does not fit. There are a few signs that you missed with this guy that could have hinted to you that this guy was going no where. First off... nearly a year and you never met his daughter?? He never had you meet her because he knew that there was no need... you were not in a relationship & you would not be around for long. Did you meet any of his friends or family? If not, that is another sign for pretty much the same reason.

Your encounters together were pretty much about sex. You go to his house, hang out, & have sex. That was the extent of how you spent time together.

It's hard because you don't want to scare them away with the "relationship talk" & convince yourself that not labeling what you have together is how you both decided things would work... but it's not, it's what HE decided. Next time you're with someone, don't be afraid to ask them in the beginning if they are looking for a relationship or a good time. It's non-commital; you aren't asking them to be in a serious relationship with YOU, you are just asking if that is what they would want with someone in the near future. Then after a couple months, if things are still going good & you are pretty open talking to each other, that would be a good time to see if you both want to make it official, meet each other's friends & family, labels & all.

Do not contact him at all...and next time he contacts you with sweet words because he is horny, tell him that you are no longer interested in this setup. Sadly, yes, you were indeed his booty call.

Hmmm. I guess I need to clarify some points;

1. We did go out occasionally - to restaurants, movies, shows, walks by the sea and all those datey types of activities. It's just that it wasn't often.

2. I never fell in love with him, at least I don't think I did...and initially I wasn't looking for anything long term either. I was just having fun.

3. I don't mind the concept of being single.

Also, after reading your comments I can't help but feel like a naive fool. Was it really a FWB situation? I guess it was. How horrible. At least I now know that I don't enjoy a relationship of that nature.

But thanks - I will be sure not to contact him. I have no desire to. In some ways, I think he is just delaying the inevitable.

I don't have much respect for guys like this...

First, I think it was incredibly rude after sleeping with you for as long as this, then to suddenly admit he's not excited about you sexually... If he didn't find you sexually interesting, then why did he keep doing it again and again? That sounds like a bogus excuse to me.

I think the real issue is that he knew he was perfectly willing to use you sexually (and liked it obviously or he wouldn't keep doing it), but when you mention 'love' he all of a sudden balks, then blames you (as in, something is 'wrong' because he doesn't want to rip your clothes off).

I think the real issue is he doesn't want to get serious with you (or maybe anyone). He may be someone who just likes to date for the sake of no strings sex, and has the rest of his life arranged to his satsifaction as a single father with his daughter.

As soon as you bring up love, he's outta there, because that is not what he is interested in, because of the strings attached (such as meeting his daugther and getting more involved in his life).

I have no respect for him because most people DO date for romance, love, and sex. And if he's not clear in the beginning that all he wanted was FWB sex, then he did lead you on.

So I don't think you were naive, i think he was less than honest about his intentions, what he really wanted, which was a FWB situation.

Re: what you should do about it, i suggest you do nothing. If he calls you again, just tell him you want a real dating relationship, not just FWB sex.

Yes, I think it was a FWB situation. If he didn't make the effort to take you out on dates all the time, then he only wanted you for sex. Sorry, but he's a jerk and don't contact him again!

Wow, thanks everyone for your feedback on this. I feel better in some ways now because I know that the amount of anger I have towards him is high enough for me to get over him sooner rather than later.

Lavenderdove, you make a good point. I felt terrible when he said the "unusual" part of our relationship was his lack of passion. But it seems he was scrambling and blaming me for something actually quite ridiculous.

To think that I wasted my time on this guy in the first place. I need to evaluate the choices that I make at the beginning of a relationship and make sure that any future boy and I are on the same page about what we are and what we want. I'm even tempted to wait until the boyfriend/girlfriend talk and an "I love you" before sex. Does anyone do that?

Wow, thanks everyone for your feedback on this. I feel better in some ways now because I know that the amount of anger I have towards him is high enough for me to get over him sooner rather than later.

 

Lavenderdove, you make a good point. I felt terrible when he said the "unusual" part of our relationship was his lack of passion. But it seems he was scrambling and blaming me for something actually quite ridiculous.

 

To think that I wasted my time on this guy in the first place. I need to evaluate the choices that I make at the beginning of a relationship and make sure that any future boy and I are on the same page about what we are and what we want. I'm even tempted to wait until the boyfriend/girlfriend talk and an "I love you" before sex. Does anyone do that?

Yes, And many people learn this the hard way.

This can be avoided by holding off on having sex until you're absolutely sure that you're in a committed relationship. Also, by putting the cart before the horse, it's unfair to say that the other person used you, since you agreed to be in this situation without a committment.

Yes, And many people learn this the hard way.

 

This can be avoided by holding off on having sex until you're absolutely sure that you're in a committed relationship. Also, by putting the cart before the horse, it's unfair to say that the other person used you, since you agreed to be in this situation without a committment.

Thanks. Yeah - I really just need to set my standard in this area a lot higher for the next boy who comes around. Not to mention that when I did this in my previous relationship, there was a connection and depth that I don't think I would have ever forged with this guy because we did everything so backwards.

I like the cart before the horse analogy

Sometimes women like you assume that older = more mature.

But in reality some older men are really no different than adolescents, and I think you have one like that - He hasn't been honest or open, hasn't taken initiative, expects sex without enough relationship investment.

I had a friend in a similar situation as yours. She was 22, he was 33, but he had the mind of a 13 year old. She thought he was so "mature," though it certainly isn't clear to me what that meant to her, because he was abusive, inconsistent, lazy, and couldn't accept personal responsibility.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you expect. And if he won't accept your terms, dump him.

Hey Everyone,

Well it's been 10 days since we last spoke, and he has not contacted me. I am so angry now! I realised that he was going to take his daughter on a holiday and from memory, I think they're leaving tomorrow. Does this mean he's just going to keep ignoring me until he gets back?

Does anyone have some advice?

Thanks!

Anyone know what I should do now - looking forward if he contacts me, what should I do?

He sounds like a jerk and I think he's playing some weird mind game with you.

I know you're mad and want to figure out what his true intension was but

you're wasting your time by doing that.

He's a jerk.

Forget about him and move on.

OK, good point. I am just going to get on with my life and forget him. If he contacts me, I'll think very carefully about whether I should even respond or just say something angry and stand offish like:

"I think you've lost the opportunity to salvage any kind of relationship with me at this point. You left me feeling awful after our last discussion and not once did you ask to see if I was alright. Now you contact me, X days later? Whatever. I'm not interested in someone who thinks with their * * * * ."

Oh hun, I'm so sorry...

From my point of view, this has nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with him being a filthy jerk. If he knew you wanted love, knew you were uncomfortable not having it, and most importantly KNEW it would hurt you for him to say the things he did, then he didn't care as much as you deserve to be cared for. You sound like an awesome person who doesn't need to be wasting time on womanizers like this bloke.

Give yourself time to heal, but don't try to contact him again. He does not deserve you. Just rest assured that none of this was your doing, and that you couldn't have possibly forseen that things would turn out this way.

Best of luck!

Whoa Whoa Whoa.....

I just got out of a relationship with a woman who is 27, and I 36....similar situation to you.

We started out, well, sleeping together on the first date....not recommended BTW!

The onus is on one of the two of you to OPEN up the discussion of 'what we want this relationship to be' after a couple of months of being together...logical, right?

Did you do this before you left for overseas?

We do teach other people HOW to treat us. Now, if you let this relationship go on, with no discussion, no idea of what he wanted, no standard of what YOU wanted...it's partly your fault.

Like Steve Harvey said...you give him the cookie without working for it...he's gonna keep putting his hands in that jar for more...so true.

Use this as a learning experience...ASK for what you want, after a couple of months...DEFINE what you want in a relationship...you're idea of committment, you're idea of exclusivity, your goals, your dreams...have an honest, open conversation about it...then make your decision.

Sounds like you went right along with what he wanted....is he wrong?

You're both wrong.

He for perhaps knowing you wanting more and not being man enough for ending it if that's not what he wanted. Or, perhaps, maybe he didn want something more, gave it time to see how he would feel, and maybe those feelings never developed....it's life...it happens.

Alot of times on these boards there's alot of men-bashing. It's misplaced. Person A doesn't always fall in love with Person B, despite having chemistry and some things in common....

But it's up to YOU to ask the tough questions early enough on in, certainly before 9 months! Then make your assessment and decide to move on.

So, no, I'm sorry, I don't think it's ALL his fault....you teach people how to treat you....

Live and learn...you're so young...don't worry about it...let it go...you'll have way more opportunities ahead of you...use this as a learning experience...but don't be bitter about it.

Oh hun, I'm so sorry...

From my point of view, this has nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with him being a filthy jerk. If he knew you wanted love, knew you were uncomfortable not having it, and most importantly KNEW it would hurt you for him to say the things he did, then he didn't care as much as you deserve to be cared for. You sound like an awesome person who doesn't need to be wasting time on womanizers like this bloke.

Give yourself time to heal, but don't try to contact him again. He does not deserve you. Just rest assured that none of this was your doing, and that you couldn't have possibly forseen that things would turn out this way.

Best of luck!

Thanks for the reassuring comments. Interestingly enough, it's now been two months and he still has not made any contact. I have come to the realisation that he was selfish and am so glad that I got out of it when I did. Imagine wasting my time on that!

 

Use this as a learning experience...ASK for what you want, after a couple of months...DEFINE what you want in a relationship...you're idea of committment, you're idea of exclusivity, your goals, your dreams...have an honest, open conversation about it...then make your decision.

 

Sounds like you went right along with what he wanted....is he wrong?

 

You're both wrong.

Yep, I agree with you. The onus was equally placed on me as it was on him to define and shape the relationship. Since moving on from this guy, all dates I have been on have been premised with the simple "I just want to clarify that this is a date, and not hanging out. I don't do casual, but I am more than happy to go out on dates." So far, I've found that guys really like it, because from the outset they have this woman who clearly knows what she wants. The advantage for me is that if a guy disappears after hearing that, he was never worth my time in the first place.

Thanks for your honest response