Advice on how to cope

This is my first post in this forum! I've read many posts here and they've been very helpful in my situation. Thanks everyone!

Here's a little of my story right now...

I've in the middle of a very bad break-up. He's never HIT me in the face, but he's kicked me, shoved me against the wall, thrown me on the bed, blocked me from leaving, spit in my face, mocked me when I cried, and grabbed me by the arms and the head. The "Loser" article has been very helpful in identifying his behavior patterns... the mean and sweet cycle, threatening suicide if I break up with him, trying to keep me away from my friends and family... so on. I signed a lease to get my own apartment the other day. He keeps trying to talk me out of it (I'm staying at my brother's right now) because there is that three day grace period when you sign a new lease.

Well, we were together for about 15 months. It was pretty crazy from the start, we partied together A LOT... He was a very sweet guy outside of the partying though. Both of our dad's had beaten our mom's, so we had some pretty deep issues in common. However, his mom stayed with his dad for religious reasons, my mom left my dad. I'm 23 and he's 26 btw. Well, he's still really affected by it, I wouldn't say I am as much, aside from it making me a "wall" to talk to sometimes, as I've been told. He's used everything about my past against me, how many people I've slept with mainly, but he's slept with a few too (not as much as me) and he used to steal cars and do a LOT of crazy things. Basically the first 8 months of our relationship was him calling me a * * * * * and freaking out every other day over my ex's. It was ridiculous. I don't know why I stayed around as long as I did... It just felt like he was the first guy I ever LOVED but probably just because he's the first guy that ever said he LOVED me so that probably blinded me.

He has a horrible temper. He'd go off on me about how clean the house was, how ungrateful I was, then it would go into what a * * * * I was even though I've been faithful to him since we've been together. Then he calls me fat, pale, ugly, says horrible things about me sexually, says he's been screwing around. Then goes into the sweet cycle and says he's sorry and that was just in an argument. I don't do the name calling, the physical crap, or call his mom like he does to me. He has even called my mom before and told her I've been with a girl before. He's called my mom a * * * * * and said that he could sleep with her if he wanted to. He lost his job in December. When he asked me to move in with him, he said he wanted to help me out alot while I was in school and just for me to pay the water bill. Since then I've taken on half of all of the other bills except rent, but I made up for that by buying all of the groceries. Yet I'm still ungrateful for him cooking for me, even though I buy the groceries, go to work full-time and school full-time, and clean up half of the dishes! It's a constant cycle. He hasn't even tried to get a job, he's living off of unemployment, and drinks about 3 cases of beer a week and smokes over a pack a day! And then he fusses at me about how I spend MY money, and I barely ever buy myself anything!

Well the last straw was the other day. Our relationship was just such a downward spiral. I still love him and part of me still wants to try to work things out even though I'm moving out. But just this whole situation has opened my eyes even more. The "Loser" article and everyone else's stories have made me realize that he's not that great of a guy... I mean, it should have been obvious from the start. Even today he's calling a thousand times, goes from being sweet and sad, to saying he can't afford to live up here without me, wants me to live with him again, but if I say no then I'm an "ungrateful bit**" all over again. He tries to beg me to come over because he's having a "nervous breakdown" or he's about to kill himself. He's very up and down and left and right!

I still cry at different points of the day. I've never been the one to initiate a break-up unless I was cheated on. He's also making the moving situation very difficult. When he told me to leave he took my house key, but he doesn't know I made an extra key one time when he kicked me out a few months ago. He says he won't let me get any of my * * * * . I'm not sure what to do to get it all back, my furniture and clothes and TV and kitchen appliances and my pets... my move-in date is Friday and I'm in school and I have work! I think he might be going out of town next weekend, should I go get my things while he is gone? Or maybe he'll cool down over this week when he just realizes we are over... I have no idea what to do! It's not just like a few CDs I could do without, it's EVERYTHING I own!

Sorry this post is so long, I have so much more to say but I just wanted some advice to get over this "Loser" and get my furniture and EVERYTHING else I own back. We were living together since August, but basically since we met, I just also had another apartment at the time.

Sounds like a typical abuser, mentally and physically. The name calling, the violence, the temper, the attempts to lure you back in and the swearing when you don't give in. I am glad you got out of there,because it would never work our nor will he change.

He isn't going to cool down, and you shouldn't risk waiting. So I suggest you get your things when he is out of town to avoid getting hurt, as much as you can,and move into your new place as fast as possible. Keep your family and friends involved with you as you do this.

He's never HIT me in the face

That's because if there's nothing visible, there's no problem. If you were wandering around with a black eye, it would be obvious what was happening.

Get a big male friend or relative, go when he is not there. Don't go anywhere near him or the house otherwise.

I dont know too much about how to deal with stuff like this because im having alot of trouble gettin over my relationship with my ex who was abusive. I just see that for you to talk about things is a good sign because when you cant talk about it thats when it is really hard. I hope its also not just a front to show that your strong enough to deal with this because i was kinda like that when it happened because i just thought it would be alot better than it was going to be. I guess at least i thought it would be easier but it wasnt. I think as long as you see that its over and do things to make sure that your doing good that in time you should see yourself dealing with this better everyday.

My heart goes out to you. Phone your brother's municipality and ask for the number to a local domestic violence agency in your brother's county. Make an appointment to speak with a counselor there. They will help you make a plan, and they know all the tricky stuff.

Once you're safe, they can also refer you to a therapist. That's not an insult. It's crucial to work out the mind stuff that would rationalize staying involved with anyone who harms you.

Some people are best loved from far away with No Contact.

Head high, and in your corner.

If you finally left him then good to hear that, never go back to an abuser no matter how much he begs you. Those types of individuals don't change at all. As for right now, you're doing good in staying in your brother's house. Stay strong girl and go through NC with him.

Well I have tried to avoid all contact. Yesterday he kinda tricked me into answering the phone, because he left about 5 voicemails saying he had something I really needed to hear. He has my cat and my dog still, so I was making sure. Of course it was just a trick. He is supposed to be going out of town this Friday, and I am moving into my new apartment Friday morning. So I'm going to meet him in the morning and get my pets. Hopefully he'll let me know for sure that he's going out of town... I'm ready to sneak in there and get all of my stuff moved out! I want to get my pets first because otherwise I think he'd be dropping my dog off at his parents and then if I snuck all of my stuff out he'd probably try to keep me from getting my dog. This is such a tricky situation.... I have a storage unit too with some of his stuff in it. So I suppose as long as I get all of my things out of his apartment and my storage, then if he gets mad, who cares, because it's my stuff, right? Hell he told me the other day that he was planning on keeping my $1000 TV because he paid a $100 for the WARRANTY on it! HA! And because he got rid of his crappy TV to make room for mine... which isn't true because it's just at his SISTERS. Then I said I don't think so and he said "well something might happen to it when I try to move it". It's ridiculous.

No, don't start taking gifts back. Not worth it. The guy is already abusive, don't give him a reason to harass you. I wouldn't be alone when you pick up the animals, either.