What's mine is yours: Should your mate help with your school debt?

I had this discusssion with my long-term college boyfriend the other day, and I was wondering what you fine people thought of this topic.

I'm planning on attending graduate school, and when it's all said in done I'm probably going to be about $120,000-$140,000 in debt. I know this, and I'm doing everything I can do save money - living at home and commuting to school for a few years, packing a lunch, working during school, applying for scholarships, etc. I'm halfway though my undergrad degree and I'm roughly $6,000 in debt, which is not bad at all, in my humble opinion.

While having one of those "future" talks with my boyfriend, he mentioned that with proper saving, he intends to retire by age 35. Jokingly, I said "How do you intend to retire at age 35 when we need to repay my school loans?" His reply is that he's not going to help me repay my school loans.

Now, this whole topic was in jest, and I do NOT expect him to contribute in any way to my school loans --- graduate school is expensive and it's my decision and my financial burden.

Now, that being said, how can you marry someone and watch them eat PB&J for five years, struggleing to pay off school loans while you retire early?

Should/would/could you expect your mate to help pay off your student loans? How much would you expect them to contribute?

I'd love to hear everyone's opinions on ths subject!

Are you already engaged?

I would be a little concerned that he planned to retire at 35....does he not plan on having kids and sending them to college?

I expect my future husband and I to work together to pay off our school loans. Such as, if he gets laid off for 6 months, he isn't on his own. And, if I was pregnant and couldn't work for a few months, I'd expect the same. Marriage is partily a business contract.

I dont want my husband to pay off my student loans, but I expect a support system between the two of us.

Personally, I would not want my future wife to have to bear any of my financial burdens. I want to be earning enough so that she'll never have to pick up my weight. But at the same time, if she had financial burdens, I'd want to help her. I suppose that's a bit inconsistent, but it's how I feel.

One problem is that if you graduate with that kind of debt, your spouse will almost have no choice to help. For the first few years of your career, whether it be doctor, lawyer, or something else, your salary will likely be very low. If you were single, you could probably get reduced payments or a forbearance, but when you're married, they'll only look at your combined household income.

Penelope -- No, we are not engaged, it was just one of those conversations couples have from time to time. We're in college and both thinking about the future a lot.

Debaser---I highly doubt he'll retire at age 35. Later he admitted that while it was a nice goal, he'd probably be bored with retirement so early. As for kids and their college education, we're not planning on having children, at least, not anytime soon.

But you're right: marriage is partly a business contract. I don't expect him to shoulder my debt or even half of it, but I don't think it's right for him to sock all of his money away for an unrealisticly early retirement while I struggle to pay off school loans. I don't think I have any right to say what he does with his money, but I do think if you care about someone you should want to help them out a little.

Psalm---Two very very good points I did not consider. He'd almost have to pick up the tab and the government will see it in a very different way then we do. As for you inconsistency, I think a lot of guys would be like that. If the situation was reversed, I highly doubt my guy would even consider marraige until he was debt free so that he'd feel like he was secure and able to provide for a wife.

Again, this is all (mostly) theoretical, as I haven't even been accepted to graduate school yet and my career is still pretty fluid. But I'm just curious how other people would think of that type of situation.

>>I highly doubt my guy would even consider marraige until he was debt free so that he'd feel like he was secure and able to provide for a wife.

That's kind of old school/sexist thinking, that he has to be totally debt free and able to 'support' a wife. First off, why are you going to school and incurring a huge amount of debt if you're not going to work at a career and share the financial burden with him?

I think he's telling you that he expects you to pull your own weight and half the financial burden rather than expecting him to support you and your school loans. More men than not these days don't want to be a cash cow who is expected to pay all the bills, including all his wife's bills. I think he's making that clear to you, so don't count on him 'supporting' you and your lifestyle as the sole breadwinner.

yes, debts will be merged when i get married. if it's a small thing like, say he bought a t.v. for himself, then he can pay off the $1000 or so himself from his own money.

BeStrong---I said that my guy would probably not consider it, but that's not something he's ever actually expressed to me. It may be sexiest, or as Psalm pointed out "inconsistent", but I think it's a legit way to feel. It's hard for men nowadays to toe the line between "provider" and "partner", as those lines are changing and becomeing very blurred.

I'm not saying he wouldn't marry until he can "support a wife" because I don't need "supporting". I am going to graduate school and I'm going to work very hard at my career. I love what I'm going to school for and can't wait until it's my career.

Again, I do not expect him to pay one cent of my bills, even if we were married. I don't view him as a "cash cow" and would be perfectly fine with paying my own bills for the rest of my life if that's how things panned out.

I gave my own scenario as a "for instance" and as a little story as to how I started thinking about this question, but I started this thread because I wanted to hear some more general ideas on the subject. I wasn't asking for advice on how to "get my man to pay my bills", because there is no problem with him not paying them, I just wanted to hear some opinions on the general subject, not really on my specific situation.

You're right, though. Even in a joking conversation he was gently making his views crystal clear.

I dunno - I can't say how I feel about this. I wouldn't want to take on someone else's debt exactly. I'm older than you though, and I would expect someone who had debt to be able to pay it off themselves; I'm not saying I wouldn't merge finances, but I would kind of hope we would be able to contribute equally.

If I met someone now, and they had £100,000 of debt (not a mortgage), would I want to take it on with them? Hand on heart, I don't think I would - maybe if we were married I would, but I wouldn't want them to expect that I would.

Interesting question - after all, you're the one benefitting; presumably you expect to be in a job commensurate with the loans? (doctor/lawyer etc) so it will pay for itself?

Sorry, we don't have these kind of student loans in the UK.

I would be very careful about expressing your wishes/ expectations that once you are married he is expected to pay off your debts, because it could be interpreted that you are jumping a bit ahead of yourself and are in for the money.

There is nothing wrong (actually you should) to talk about your future, but until he has at least proposed to you, it's not a 'done deal' yet. Thus you have to plan your life/ your finances in such a way that you do not have to rely on a best case scenario in the future.

About him wanting to retire at 35 (which he has to put into practice first, it's easier said than done) : that wouldn't be my cup of tea in a guy, even if he had enough money, I wouldn't want my SO without some sort of career, but that's my personal preference.

Now, that being said, how can you marry someone and watch them eat PB&J for five years, struggleing to pay off school loans while you retire early?

 

Should/would/could you expect your mate to help pay off your student loans? How much would you expect them to contribute?

This is just one example of more general underlying question, which is: when you are married, do you pool your resources and share things equally, or do you keep your resources (and debt) separate?

For example, you earn a lot in business, while your partner makes a much lower amount as a nurse. You each want a nice and expensive car, but a different model. Do you buy a car just for yourself, or one for both of you, since your partner can't afford to buy hers? Suppose you can only afford one, and your partner can't afford any. Is it okay for you to buy just yours then?

Or suppose you want an expensive holiday and your partner can't afford to chip in. Do you sacrifice your holiday because neither of you can afford to go, or do you pay for both of you?

I'm not going to offer any answers, because each couple has a different view on these things, but these are certainly real issues that couples face every day.

Honeypumpkin--Another good point. At my age group, it's uncommon to not have any debt, and in most cases both young people would be in about the same about of debt and merging finances and paying the student loans off together isn't really a big deal.

Having that much debt when you're older...I would also see that as a HUGE red flag as perhaps someone who is a tad bit irresponsible with money...

To answer your question, yes, my career would eventually end up paying for itself, but I probably wouldn't have any real spending money for 5ish years after I graduated. On the other hand, his situation is quite different. His program includes co-ops, so he is able to pay a lot of his expenses out of pocket. He also has a pretty nice rooming situation with virtually no rent. So, he'll graduate with virtually no debt while I will be eating PB&J until I'm 30. Which, I'm fine with. I'm just curious as to how others would handle this difference in debt.

Penelope-- Both good points. We talk about the future often and I realize it's not a done deal at all. I realize that we could break up, or I could not get into graduate school, and it's useless to plan my life around what my happen 5 years from now. But, that doesn't mean I can't think about it. Again, I do not expect him to contribute to my student loans.

Karvala--Another good point. The only thing on my mind was the difference in school debt, but you're absolutely right: differences in earnings after graduation can be a sticky situation as well. In my situation, we'll probably be earning roughly the same amoutn of money, but that's an intersting thing to think about.

oh hmm...if your career would pay off the debts in a few years after you start making money, then i would not expect him to pay.

right now i have about $22 000 in debt, when i am done i will have probably about 30k, and while i can pay that off if i am single for the next decade...i don't plan to be single. to me, when you get married you share the finances with your spouse. it all depends on what you value. it's good that this situation came up with you because now it's got you thinking about these sorts of things.

Did you ask him (apart from the student loans) how he envisions to take care of finances in a marriage. I think this is a valid question to ask (I think debaser has started a thread about finances in committed relationships)

I'm in the wrong place in life to be considering it, maybe.

Certainly I would only take on debt of a partner if we were married. I would be grumpy if I helped pay them off and then we separated; they have all the schooling, I am £50k down.

I'm so cynical, lol.

la'isla -- I wish things were so simple, but I'd definelty feel guilty entering a marriage with so much debt when my partner has none.

Penelope--I know that, in general, he believes in combining finances. It's what both of our parents do. I know that he's a saver as well as a spender, and has a good head on his shoulders and is very responsible when it comes to money. I'm the one who actually things we should have separate accounts and he doesn't like that idea. But, as mentioned (many, many times) I don't expect him to pay off my debt and while I love him, I'm also very realistic. We're both in college and this may not even be the guy I end up marrying, so I'm not stressing out too much as to what this particular guy thinks about finances, I was just curious how other people would view the situation.

Honey Pumpkin--It's ok, I'm cynical too! But I prefer the term "realistic". I think it's unreasonble to pick up your partner's tab when you're not married. I mean, paying more often for dinner because you have a fatter paycheck is one thing, but paying off their debt when there's not really a commitment....I don't know if I'm nice enough for that.

When I was previously married, we basically pooled our income and then drew all of our expenses out of that pool. Depending upon our financial situation over time, sometimes we were following a strict budget, and sometimes not. I had some student loan debt that became part of our shared responsibility. It wasn't much, relatively speaking, but neither was my income. At the same time, I was doing a lot of other intanglibles that didn't bring in income but did support the family. Raising kids, taking care of the home, along with working either full or part time. I felt OK about it and thought it was "fair," except that I always felt dependent upon him and never had any money of my own to spend. I was always having to justify what I felt were the smallest things. I know that my husband didn't always feel good about it--he expressed feeling taken advantage of at times, especially when I was feeling more depressed and couldn't handle as much on the home front. We were married 25 years ago, and our backgrounds lead us to a fairly stereotypical arrangement, even though we were both uncomfortable with aspects of it.

It's individual to each couple, but it is good to start understanding expectations ahead of time.

I have student loan debt and when my husband and I got married he assumed the debt with me. We both work full time and we share our earnings and pay off all our debts with it, including mortgage, student loans, cars, utilities, taxes, etc.

He was fortunate enough to have his mother help him pay for school and what small amount he borrowed he has since paid off. I was not so lucky and had no help so I borrowed and sent myself to school.

When you are married your debt becomes joint debt, so make sure he is aware of that if he's thinking about getting married at some point. Right now no, I don't think he should be responsible to help you pay off that debt. If you do, however, get married, I agree that he should help with it, and as far as I know, most spouses do this for one another.

I haven't heard of too many people being able to afford to retire at age 35- is he independently wealthy, or just dreaming?

unabashed--Thank you for your view. We don't plan on factoring kids into the picture so we'd be a two-career household, but you never know about the future.

I agree, it's of the utmost importance to get a good understanding of major things like "How will we deal with our money?".....preferably long before we get married.

Hope--He is just dreaming about retiring at age 35. With no kids in the picture and his career choice, it is possible...but only if he never assumes my debt and doesn't really spend any money until he's 35. I think he wants to retire early, but was just dreaming about how early, realistically, that would be.

For the record, he has since recanted that he will retire by then and has said he would be "bored" if he retired *that* early, but the underlying message is pretty clear.

I'd be very cautious before i'd agree to marry someone who wanted to retire that early... it may mean that everytime you want anything that interferes with the goal of retiring you get told no... as in a nice house, furniture, trips, etc.

And then what if he retires early, but you can't both retire at the same time? You could be working another 30 years while he's off fishing...

I think he's telling you about his value system... that he wants to play early, and not be responsible for anyone but himself if he's not willing to pay joint debts.

Most couples look at student loans as joint debt, to be added into the family budget and paid with joint funds. If he's willing to let you work a ton more years to pay that off while he sits around retired, that is telling you something (i.e., he values his comfort and leisure a lot more than he values you).

i think retiring at 35 is a bit silly. what does he plan to do from the ages of 35-78? (assuming he lives to the average age of a man?) i wouldn't expect my mate to pay off my student loans. i mean, it would be nice, of course. but, if i'm getting myself into $100,000 + debt, i would assume that i would have the kind of job after graduation that i could pay that debt off myself, man or no man.

I never really encountered any debt problems. I somehow made considerable "savings" after 5 years of engineering studies and he ended up debt-free but no "savings" money after 7 years.

I didn't mind that I was putting more in the "pot" so to speak at first because I knew in the long run it wouldn't matter. I'm not sure I'd agree to marry someone with 100K of debts if I was forced to take it upon getting married. I would prefer staying common-law partners. Most marriages last 2-3 years nowadays, and that makes for a very expensive husband .

If the person was obviously responsible, working, cutting corners etc.. and doing everything they could to repay the debt it would be very different from if the person thought they were entitled to the same lifestyle as others who don't have a debt.

I think that we had a mutual unspoken agreement that we were looking for financially responsible partners that could keep up with the other's salary. Not saying that if I make 40K more in 10 years I'll resent him but I do want someone pulling his weight and not be working minimum wage (unless there are external circumstances but there are laws against us getting fired... so he has to screw up bad); the same for him. Not working for years on end and staying with kids at home (without benefit coverage) would not be an option in our couple.

My mom always lived off of others - her parents or my father and I guess I have a very jaded view of finances because of it. I want to be independent and be able to afford the lifestyle i love independently of others.

At this point, I know enough about myself to know that wouldn't happen. lol.

It wouldn't work with someone who is that comfortable in the red and me.

I've had some serious relationships and have shared living and finances in 2 of those. I know what I need at this point and it is to feel like I can share while each of us still having "personal padding". It's important to me that each retain some individual finances and gives me a feeling of security. It's important that it is a true partnership where the joint money is specifically going to joint goals.

It was an issue and a problem with one man who was fine with being in the red and wanting to continue to expand our relationship without first seeing his "investments" (debt in my language) pay off. Those debts were his personal choices; not joint. It was too unstable for me. It might have made more sense if he had started to collect the fruits of it but guess what? It never came to pass because when that happened he had already gotten new debts on the go and the payoffs were less than he had assumed as a 'given'. He had little in the way of " * * * * happens" money; which is a pretty big deal to me.

It's very clear to me now that I do well with a man who is relatively financially conservative such as myself and gets pleasure staying as far out of debt as makes sense; just do what you have to in order to earn it before claiming it but savings and solid investments don't get compromised.

Unless the debt is made together, which is a different story.

It really is about where you want to go and how you want to live your lives. I've really noticed how people manage their money can be a reflection of how they choose to live their lives. There's got to be compatibility there too.