Jump to content

THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2


Recommended Posts

6 months in, feeling great. She contacted me in August , via a mutual friend, under the pretence of "building bridges". When i politely declined she went bat crazy again. Last week heard a few things about her that also made me think good riddance. I would prefer never to see her again but we have many mutual friends so i guess its just a matter of time.

Link to comment

I'm in day 13 and while out, I saw my ex's mom while out. She got out of the car and began crying, which actually made me tear up. Her family was like a second family, especially after they gave the ok to ask for my ex's hand in marriage. Never got to ask because she dumped me a couple months before I proposed (had an elaborate proposal planned). We talked for a little bit to catch up. Apparently everyone misses me a lot, even my ex's young nieces ask about me. She not to be a stranger and if she ever hears anything, she'd let me know. So this made NC even tougher but I did not reach out to my ex.

 

Still love her very much but know that NC is what's best for me right now and if I'm better and stronger and build myself back ill be fine. Who knows, maybe she will change her mind in the future

Link to comment

I created my account here when I was 18 years old and it taught me the importance of no contact. I'm now in my early 30s and have returned to eNotalone in the aftermath of every major breakup I've had since.

 

The one I'm going through now is the biggest one yet. The relationship lasted over 5 years. We live in different towns so I'd go see her once a week for a couple of nights. She has a son who was 2 months old when we met and I was his father figure. Our plans were to get a house and move in together and for the last few years everything I've done for work and in terms of saving money has been in pursuit of that goal. I was always happy.

 

In the last 2 weeks of the relationship she became erratic and unhappy –couldn't deal with being apart so often anymore, felt that we'd cooled down, we were in a routine – but she put this down to her Seasonal Affective Disorder starting. I was starting to put together a plan on how we could address her unhappiness and deal with the SAD when she let me know that there was someone else. It was entirely online so she hadn't cheated physically, but had emotionally.

 

We used to talk about what would happen with her son should we need to break up. I used to say that if we needed to split I would do what's best for her son and slowly phase myself out of his life. The one exception would be if she cheated as I'd need to go into no contact for my own health. I used to say it almost as a joke; “there's no possible way you'd ever cheat on me”.

 

I went to pick up my stuff and went straight into no contact. Blocked her on all social media and messaging but made it so she could call if there was some sort of emergency with her son (the only reason I would talk to her now).

 

Today is my Day 30 of NC. Please excuse the massive info dump, but I think maybe some people may find it useful to see all 30 entries in one place:

 

Day 1 – Went for a walk with a friend at lunch. He thinks she's been planning the break for a while. Another friend is paying for us to goon holiday. Ex texted me about her son. Didn't read it. Up and down.

 

Day 2 – Up until 4.30am talking to a friend on Skype. He doesn't think she's truly cheated. Felt suspiciously fine today. Therapy working already? Only a little wobble after midnight. Excited for holiday.

 

Day 3 – Nothing to do at work, same as it's been for a while. Ex text asking me to talk to her son. Ignored. Last night after I wrote my entry was excruciating. Feel okay now.

 

Day 4 – Nothing at work, but not as bad today. No contact from any friends. Ex called, I think it was accidental. Realising it takes about an hour to calm down from the fits of anxiety and crying.

Day 5 – Rough day. A mutual friend of me and my ex, Tim, split up with his girlfriend today. I hope that's a coincidence.

 

Day 6 – Prepping for holiday, dinner with a friend, ran into some friends. The thought that it might have been Tim that she cheated with dropped me into a pit of depression. Get easier!

 

Day 7 – Holiday. I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her. Please come back.

 

Day 8 – Holiday. My friend is happy. He hates my ex now. I am fine. Much better, needed sleep. She texted about her son. I am confident that she's coming back. I may be utterly deluded but it helps for now.

 

Day 9 – Flew home, straight to parents. Two days without any tearful breakdowns. I think perhaps I'm still convinced she's coming back.Will tell parents about everything tomorrow.

 

Day 10 – Parents. Told them. They think she is emotionally troubled and that my calming mantra of “she doesn't want me anymore” is incorrect. Feel like I've turned a corner today. Her self esteem has nothing to do with my affection.

 

Day 11 – Parents, then back home. Big difference between holiday and normality. Got home at 2pm, tried to work on a project, couldn't, in bed at 6pm. Some tears, no breakdowns.

 

Day 12 – First full day totally alone without seeing any other people. Some tears, no breakdowns.

 

Day 13 – Tough miserable day at work. Told my boss, who was friends with her. He understands and says he's gutted to hear we've broken up. I'm feeling the need to talk to her. Stay strong.

 

Day 14 – Felt good this afternoon. Felt back to my old self if only fora few hours. Beer with the boss after work. He thinks she's gone off the deep end with her SADS. Suggests sending her son a letter as his parents divorced when he was five so he knows what's like to go through what her son is going through. In time, maybe a good idea.

 

Day 15 – Work was busy! Bad day but not unbearable. I want myself back.Got a new phone case, threw away the old one her son got me. Found the tampons in my underwear drawer that she left here just a month ago, because she knew she'd be coming back so often. Both items made me sad. Starting to feel anger.

 

Day 16 – Busy work again! Okay day until afternoon breakdown when I remembered putting her son to bed when he was a baby. Felt hopeless.Made plans with an old friend and my mum. Veering between “she is coming back” and “what the hell was she thinking?”.

 

Day 17 – Spent over £200 on new glasses! Feel good today, I'm my old self again. Think I'm starting to let go. Could I ever trust her again? Feels like no.

 

Day 18 – Feel good again! I was dreading this weekend as I knew I would be alone for a couple of days and now I wish I had more time off. She texted - “I miss you so much”. Breadcrumbs. Ignored.

 

Day 19 – Fine overall. Seems reconciliation is more and more unlikely. She cheated, and I'm accepting it. I'm sure I'll be sad about that at some point, but not today.

 

Day 20 – Bit sad but okay. Had to RSVP the work Christmas party. She's there every year with me and it'll be so odd without her. Everyone is going to be asking about her. It's sinking in today that she's not coming back. It's real. It's over. Keep moving forward. This IS getting easier. Not long til one month no contact.

 

Day 21 – Work is dull. Pizza with old friend. She was very nice about everything, seemed to “get it” more than anyone else. Excited for a couple of days off work.

 

Day 22 – Football match with friend in his city, then back to his. I suddenly remembered that she's meeting her online games group in person later this month. I introduced her to those guys, they're my acquaintances and I know she hasn't told them about the break up because none of them have reached out to me. Troubled by it. This one day escape to another city is perfect; I don't like this place and it makes me want to be home.

 

Day 23 – Back home. Sad day, the kind of day where it feels like I'm not progressing. Alternating fixations on getting her back (reading eNotalone and watching YouTube vids about it) and being with someone else (reading old diary entries from previous relationships). Neither is acceptable right now; I need to be okay by myself. It'll come.

 

Day 24 – Too much time doing nothing at work. Her Twitter profile –that I blocked! - frustratingly popped up on my screen while looking at something else. Her bio info is about attempting to become a better person. Game group meetup still bothering me. Feel sad.

 

Day 25 – Work. Dull. Feel much better after sleep. Will leave game meetup alone, I know she hasn't told them about our split and my concerns come from a place of fear (“her online romance is with one of them, it will become physical at the meetup”) and a misguided sense of justice (“they're MY friends, she doesn't deserve to still be talking to them”). Take the high road. Move on. Downloaded a meetup app to make new friends, and maybe I should pursue that cute girl I saw at work who keeps getting recommended as a friend on Facebook. Just as a distraction project!

 

Day 26 – Turns out that cute girl from work is also on the meetup app and she messaged me out of the blue this morning! What! She was enthusiastic about talking at my first meetup in a couple of days. How very bizarre but awesome! Drinks with my oldest friend. He's moving to another country and breaking up with his girlfriend. He doesn't think me and the ex are anywhere near finished.

 

Day 27 – Weird work day, started at 8am and finished at 10pm with a split in the middle. This week went quickly. This is getting easier.Let's see what I write tomorrow after the meetup!

 

Day 28 – Got my new glasses, they look great. Spent all day fretting about the meetup, couldn't focus on anything. Cute girl didn't show up but had a grand time. Two girls there are definitely interested with zero effort from myself and one sent me a friend request and messaged as soon as I was home. I'd still like to talk to the cute girl!

 

Day 29 – Day off. Tough. Okay in the morning, okay in the evening,really missed her and her son in between. She texted. She says her son is having problems without me and that she hates me for it. Maybe I should talk to him.

 

Day 30 – I did it! Now what have I learned?

 

 

  • The days go by quicker as time goes on. To begin with it really is “one day at a time”, sometimes “one hour at a time”. Now I'm able to look at things happening in two, three, four weeks time and they seem close and not impossibly far away like they did before.
  • Whenever I feel truly awful, anxious and completely hopeless, it will pass. It will last no longer than 90 minutes before my body does something to bring me back to a more manageable state. Even if that state is“sad”, I will always feel better. This is helpful to remember when I'm in those pits of nothingness.
  • I'm progressing through clear phases. The initial “I want her back”became “I want her back under certain terms”, developing into “I want myself back” and more. Right now? I just want to be happy again. I don't care how I get there, and it has nothing to do with her.
  • There are problems for which no advice seems to exist. Scouring the internet and here on eNotalone you'll constantly read about how you need to “get back to the person you were before the relationship,re-connect with your friends, go back to the hobbies you left behind”. In my case, as I was only seeing my girlfriend for 2 or 3 days a week I had plenty of time to do this things I love. I never left anything behind. The issue now is that I'm not motivated to do the things I love. I think I just have to keep busy and wait for that feeling to return. That said...
  • In the last 30 days I have 2.5 days in total where I have felt like my old self, without worries or anxiety, able to do the things I used to love doing. Maybe in the next 30 days I will have 5 of those days.Then 10 in the next 30. Who knows? Underneath the sadness and the void, I am still here. I am coming back.

 

And what questions do I still need to answer? Only one really: I don't know what to do about her son. I love him and miss him dearly and I hate that he's been affected by this On the one hand, if he's hurting I want to be able to do something to help even if it means my recovery takes a hit for it. On the other hand, I made it clear I would vanish from both of their lives if she cheated. She cheated,she broke up with me. This was her choice. Or do I swallow my pride and be the bigger man for the sake of the kid? I don't know. I hope the answer will become clearer.

 

So that's the first month. Month 2 takes me up to Christmas. Let's see what happens!

Link to comment

I broke NC twice so I have to reset. First was just to say happy Thanksgiving and I received a quick reply saying thank you and wishing me one. The other was today I asked if she needed any help around the house (one of her gripes about when we lived together) and she no thanks quickly. Restarting NC again. Hopefully she will miss me. Grr...

Link to comment

Hello everybody,

 

It's been over 8 years since i last posted about my problems, at this moment i'm married for 4 years now and we have a son that will turn 4 in a few months. I work as a nurse and published my first book last summer, life is great! Keep at it and the future will be bright!

 

With love,

 

Njoy

Link to comment
Hello everybody,

 

It's been over 8 years since i last posted about my problems, at this moment i'm married for 4 years now and we have a son that will turn 4 in a few months. I work as a nurse and published my first book last summer, life is great! Keep at it and the future will be bright!

 

With love,

 

Njoy

That is great news. Was it a reconciliation or someone new?
Link to comment

So I just recently joined and saw this and would like to give some updates. I started NC, a little over two weeks ago. I'll briefly describe each day

Day 1- It was really easy because it fell right before I went home from college for thanksgiving break.

Day 2- I was home with my family 4 hours away from ex so it was great

Day 3- Thanksgiving, my cousin had her bf from college spend thanksgiving with us and it made me a little sad but I got over it

Day 4- Still home so it was easier

Day 5 & 6 - Still home for break so was still fine

Day 7 - Returned back to college was a little hard

Day 8, 9, and 10 - I felt alright, a little empty but alright

Day 11 - On weekends I got super super super sad because I wonder what he's up to. Also important to point out his frat had a party I obviously couldn't go to but all my friends went and they spoke to him so it made me even sadder

Day 12 - Same sadness

Day 13- Felt a little better again

Day 14 - It was the birthday of a friend of mine who passed away earlier this year so it was a very sad day and I missed my ex a lot more because of such

Day 15 - Better than day 14 but not quite better all together

Day 16- This is where I am now and I am sad because my ex was supposed to go my dance performance tonight and now he won't be there

This isn't getting easier :(

Also the break up was a little over 5 weeks ago.

Link to comment

Day 11. Second time round of no contact. Broke it the first time thinking I was strong enough and things wouldn’t effect me ( oh how my ego made me look a fool )

 

Things are easier. Still have her in my head a lot. Not as much as before. Looking within more now at my own happiness etc

I don’t intend on breaking NC. I only did before as she reached our to me with messages. I expressed my feelings to her that it isn’t fair on either of us and we both need to sort our own heads out. Believe I was blocked or deleted. Anyhow that was 11 days ago. Keeping myself busy. Time is the healer

Link to comment

Day 17 - Not much to say, sometimes I feel really happy and then I feel really sad

Day 18 - Oh lord so today is his birthday and I cannot break NC for it but it's going to be so hard, thankfully I plan on just studying for my finals today and not looking at my phone to keep myself occupied until the day is over and so that I am not tempted.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 7 months later...

Day 1. I have a hole in my stomach like somebody punched me..ive cried already today and prayed for God to soothe me...i had to let him go for the sake of my emotional health and mental health overall..i didnt loose my dignity but i dicussed how i felt about his behavior. Then i blocked him on everything im jus ready to move on and be free..

Link to comment
Day 1. I have a hole in my stomach like somebody punched me..ive cried already today and prayed for God to soothe me...i had to let him go for the sake of my emotional health and mental health overall..i didnt loose my dignity but i dicussed how i felt about his behavior. Then i blocked him on everything im jus ready to move on and be free..

 

We are rooting for you!

Link to comment

Day 2...i woke up thinkin of him..wondering what he is doing today..want to text him cause i miss the crumbs that he use to throw at me and i hungrily gobble up For consumption knowing well enough it's not satisfying me..im gone and he is blocked i dont know if he tried to text or not..i ended it casue i jus could not take the emotional unavailable stuff anymore..day 2..keep going things will get better like an addiction

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

Day 7 NC

The Break Up

I told my girlfriend of 4 years (we are not living together) i did not fell we were building a partnership due to her lack of reciprocity and empathy. She said we way "busy working too jobs" but I understand that. She made plans w/o me for holidays which i pissed and happy to be relieved of duty

I have done NC for 3 months and one for 2 months.. it worhed

I had to think about it I want to live my life with someone like that, I am sure she would say she is too giving. Phscially and spiritually we were attracted but not sexually compatible w. I am going into a new field and have to learn. I needed focused time since may 23 to complete my project and there were spending a lot less time together. w

 

The further she gets away from me the more i want her ( this will wear off) .. We are not broken up and have to keep options open and not getting closure , is that good? I still pay her cell bill, should i tell here to get her own phone. i Love her ever much despite the negatives but do know i should not have gotten involved with anyone until i can take care of my self. (can be soon). I feel sad, depressed,,feel like I lost my only friend. In my experience those the leave for financial security are rarely happy. in a way i don't blame here a I Can not go pout right now, I cont go out much so i can work through the holidays. If she shows. great, if not i documenting the 15 red flags i ignored. I free I lost the person who is compatible .i zm prepared to deal with that.

Link to comment

Day 8 NC

The Relationship Remorse

I am not sure if i was acting sane. I was not loving myself due to my finances, could not look myself in the face and hence could not look at her. It is possible I was lashing out and projecting my frustration with life on my GF. I have waves of grief but I am not resisting or running from them. They don't last long. My priority is on self-care, Eating clean, exercise, de-cluttering. I am considering going to a relationship SH meeting tomorrow. I may double down on the same trip to a numbers / money meeting which is an area I have been working on my whole life. I have adhd and I learned a bit problem is keeping track of finances. I am glad i found this thread because a closed friend (non professional) suggested confronting my GT to get closure and moving on . I concur with the consensus I am picking up on this thread - "when it doubt - stay out". Frankly i have very little choice in the matter, so it is a matter of conserving energy and directing resources.

Link to comment

Day 4

I must look for and respect red flags.

Listening to an audio on grieving is helping. The frequency and intensity of the triggers are reducing. What is sad is the loss my ability to shape my reality, (if you want to change something, change the way you look at it). I did was not looking when this relationship started in a very sober way (for me), in that we were friends only for the first 4 months. not touching no kissing, etc.. We had a spark not a physical one and not spiritual. When I look at this person I will always feel love and attraction but it does not overcome the other realities of we are both facing, i.e., exceedingly stressful financial situation (life or death). The physical component was healthy on one level but i bit to vanilla for me. We both were brought up and schooled in a very religious environment and i feel i am less restrained then her. Maybe this was one of many red flags that would make any other relationship a non-starter. I ignored the red flags. I commit to writing the red flags down on paper that are non-negotiable in case i ever have a relationship again. Frankly, i am done with relationships and don't care anymore. I am considering moving out of country in few years anyway.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...