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Thread: Is it disrespectful not go to a loved one's funeral,because u cant stand the pain?

  1. #1
    iamtrying
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    Unhappy Is it disrespectful not go to a loved one's funeral,because u cant stand the pain?

    Hi everyone,Im really conflicted with this.
    In my family, there is going to be a funeral or two (predicted) this year.
    I dont want to go, because i cant stand the pain. I love these people so much, and i cannot bear to go to their funeral. When i was little i went to my grandma's funeral and was crying really loudly through the whole thing. It was really horrible, for everyone.

    I know it will be my last chance to say goodbye, and their official time to rest in peace. So i feel if dont go, i might regret it later. I think my mum and dad and other people in my family might be really insulted and angry if i dont go. But i know if i do, i wont be able to control my heart and ill make a huge scene with my crying and make the whole experience more upsetting for myself, and everyone. It will be really awkward as well, because i never let my family see me cry.. I dont like crying in front of others, and there will be alot of friends of the departed there, and i just dont want to be a part of any of it.

    I really really dont know what to do. I dont want to be disrespectful to the loved one that has passed..

    Please help me, what should i do???

  2. #2
    ellymay
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    Everyone is different. Some people are "okay" at funerals and some people just can't, emotionally, do it. If you really can't even bare to think about going talk to some of you family members about it. It will help to know what they think.

    If they are sympathetic then you don't have to go. After the funeral when everyone is gone maybe you could go by yourself so no one will see you cry. If you go afterwords it isn't disrespectful. It's more personal and intimate if you go by yourself if you think about it.

    -Elly

  3. #3
    waveseer
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    I'm okay at funerals that aren't family, but I avoid family funerals because I can't cope with everyone's pain at the same time.

  4. #4
    PsychGirly
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    It's completely your choice.

    It's not disrespectful if you don't attend, even if your family says so.

    I know how hard it can be to attend the funeral of a loved one. I had to attend my father's a few years ago. I knew it was going to be extremely hard, but I also knew I would regret it if I didn't go.

    Bottom line: Do whatever you feel most comfortable with. Just think hard about it & make sure you won't regret your decision later.

  5. #5
    hers
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    One thing to remember is that you can't run away from the pain. Eventually it will catch up to you & you will have to deal w/ it. Just be prepared when that day comes.

    I made a scene at my grandfather's funeral & I didn't care one bit. I was so close to him & I've never felt such pain before. I still cry for him. Today is 2 years that my grandma died, & monday will be 6 years that he died. I still cry over both of them. It's ok that I do.

    And it will be ok if you cry for them. Emotions & grieving are part of life. There's no escaping it, no matter how hard it is. Just know that it may creep up one day & you may have to deal w/ it eventually.

    For now, going to the funeral is your choice. I'm glad I went to my grandparents' funerals b/c it gave me closure even though I still get sad for them. But it helped me get thru the actual pain of it faster.

    Good luck.

  6. #6
    Cognitive_Canine
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    Funerals ARE for the living. Mourning is done to help the living coup. This service is closure for you.

    If you feel like it will do more harm then good, politely tell the family of the deceased that you do not think that you could handle the funeral but that your heart is with them. Tell them that you feel that you will be a disturbance and do not want to detract from the service. And ask if there is anything else you can do.

  7. #7
    villie
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    You need to make sure that you wont you wont regret it. Usually they go for a few hours, and yes it would probably be extremely painful for that time, but If you stay at home while everyone is there. Will you feel better? Unlikely.

    If you go, you can always where sunglasses. dont worry about what they'll think of you if you cry. Even if you dont like crying infront of others (and who does!), they wouldn't judge you for that. If you have a partner, take them with you for support. or a close friend to lean on.

    Its more likely you'll regret not going than going.

    but if you feel you really cant, explain to the family, most people would understand. funerals are tougher for some and thats ok.
    Last edited by villie; 03-26-2009 at 02:00 AM.

  8. #8
    KG
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    I was this way for a long time. When the funeral was going on, I would spend the time in a quiet stting, like a park, and remember the person that passed. I cried, but on my own.
    I always let the family know that I couldn't handle it, but would grieve in my own way. They were OK with that.

  9. #9
    iamtrying
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    Thanks for the replies...
    I dont know..I really dont know. I will talk to them about it though. That could help alot in making my decision, depends on how they react i guess.

  10. #10
    indierockgrl
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    My boyfriend died unexpectidly 4 months ago. I did not go to his funeral. I do not regret my choice. Noone was prepared for his death... and i was in denial at the time. I am bothered by the fact that people look so different in death and the last thing i wanted was that vision in my mind forever. I wanted to remember him the way i last saw him. that is comforting for me anyway. This summer i want to go to the cemetery where i will say goodbye my own way. I think you just have to do what is best and most comforting for you. Noone else should judge or tell you what you should do...

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