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Thread: Questioning NC

  1. #21
    Bronze Member MrSoAndSo2009's Avatar
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    I should point out something that I overlooked in my post:
    People break-up for a reason. (or reasons!)

    So I'm not suggesting that the dumper is completely irrational in what he's doing. On the contrary, I am saying that typically the dumper is not fully aware of all the "variables" of his decision, nor is he entirely aware of all the stages of his emotions. His focus is to carry out his decision, and then to avoid thinking about the consequences as much as possible.

    The fog (can we call it the "Siberian fog" as a tribute to Siberia's insight?) is more likely to lift from his thinking if the pursuer let's him go out of her life without any anger, blame, or guilt. She does this by telling him that she accepts his decision, and then she virtually disappears from his life. He then has a chance to go into his "emptiness" without the ex around to constantly validate his decision to break up by challenging his defense mechanisms.

    There are no guarantees of the ex coming back, but by respecting his decision in the most literal way (i.e. breaking up = get out of my life completely), and doing so in a caring, dignified manner, the chances of BOTH of you understanding your emotions and decisions will increase (i.e. movement, growth, change). The conclusion of this process does not necessarily mean that two people will reconcile, although viable long-term relationships often bounce back when the right steps are taken.

    Actually, the ideal situation, when a viable relationship is going sour and no amount of communication is able to rekindle things, is to mutually agree to a strategic break up of some length of time in which you both agree with the decision as a way to test out the relationship. A lot of the couples you hear about who got back together actually agreed to break-up from one another. Of course, for most of the situations on this forum, it is too late to do this.

    Regardless, what should be clear is the need for time and space apart, and this could be days, weeks, or months, but mostly likely weeks or months.

  2. #22
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    My decission to break-up was not a calculated decission, but an implicit, emotional one, and deeply embedded in my biology--i.e. there was no "deciding" really but gradually arriving. A dumper doesn't breakup for the fun of it (in a serious relationship). O gosh no. They usually have endured a lot of pain in the relationship and slowly they reach a tipping point. Dumpers may have for long suffered neglect, or may have been taken for granted, or cheated on, or strung along without a commitment, or subjected to a lot of boredom you know, or just been giving too much and receiving too little--I mean, just because we are all dumpees here, doesn't mean we are all saints here.

    Once they decide to break-up, it is their body speaking, not brain. The body refuses to go on. Yes, when I reached that point, I found it physically painful to discuss my relationship. What a fatigue it was. I would start groping through the "Siberian Fog" haha and only feel terribly confused and terribly angry about even trying to do that. So I had to tell my ex--look I'm sorry I cannot talk about the relationship. Not because I don't want to. But because I am incapable even if I try.

    The relationship was dead. Do you take delight in talking about a dead loved person? No. It is sadistic to force a person to talk about it at all. So what I can tell the dumpees, do NOT initiate relationship talk. You hurt the dumper by doing that. They will resent you for it. Leave the past relationship alone. It is dead. Bury it in the private garden of your mind, and cover it with wreath and candles. Play out an imaginary funeral where you lay it rest peacefully in a coffin. Say a prayer. And let it go. Finito.

    Whatever new chapter ensues between you two--will have to be a brand new relationship. And that is possible only if you and your ex have gone your own ways and rebuild your lives.

  3. #23
    Bronze Member MrSoAndSo2009's Avatar
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    Time Perception

    I mentioned a break up I was in above in which I pursued my ex for explanations and she told me that my actions made her want to run away from me. I learned a lot from that experience, and I can tell you that another variable was the sense of the passage of time. Let me explain.

    After 1 month had passed, I felt like it had been such a long time. It seemed like weeks and weeks and weeks. Each day felt like forever. I would sit at my job staring at the clock. It was horrible.

    After 4 weeks, I foolishly pursued her for explanations. What she said to me was:

    "I am not going to change my mind. I am still assessing my single status. There is only a little bit of love left."

    She and I were actually on good terms after the break-up. She was contacting me every day, but I then told her to leave me alone. The 4 weeks went by and I was desperate and she could smell it. She told me: "The break-up feels like it just happened yesterday." She was trying to tell me that she didn't have enough time.

    My actions were pushing her further away. She wanted to "run away" from me (her own words). That was hard because we both still cared for each other very much.

    So what is the point? The point is that for ME, it felt like a really long time had passed, but for HER it felt "just like yesterday" when we broke up. So, when I foolishly brought up the issue of the relationship, the pain was still very much present inside her, and she very much wanted to get away with it. She said that when I brought it up, it "forced [her] to think about it", which she obviously was trying NOT to do. She felt like she hadn't had any time to process her new "single status" and my approaches were very threatening to her.

    So, time passes slowly for the DUMPEE.
    But, time passes much more quickly for the DUMPER, when the dumper is avoiding her pain/emptiness.

    She was avoiding it in a big way. She filled up her life with her work and her friends. She had no spare time for anything else. She worked constantly, and then went to parties as often she could. So, from her point of view, time was flying by, and from my point of view, time was agonizing and slow.

    Siberia, do you have any comments, from the dumper's point of view, in terms of what you did to pass the time or what your perception of time was compared to the person who you dumped?

    I think that would be insightful for people here who are so anxious to contact their exes.

  4. #24
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    Dear Mrsoandso,

    Yes your ex was right in saying that from her point of view, a month is nothing, and break-up seems like yesterday. When I left my ex, I really wanted to not be dragged into explanations, or guilt trips, or analysis. The funny thing is (and this is something all dumpees should pay attention to) the more *sense* my ex's arguments made, the more logically *correct* he was in his analysis, the more vigorously I shut himself off.

    Dumping is like Sneezing. It is not wrong or right. It is a reflex. You sneeze because you want to eject a particle out. You dump because you want to eject a person out. Can you hold logical arguments about sneezing? No. Same with dumping. Leave your debating skills aside. You can win the debate and lose the dumper The choice is yours.


    I had moved myself away from my ex physcially--i.e. I moved to another country to pursue my studies. I slowly recreated a life without my ex in it. That helped a lot. I also found another man who was the exact opposite of my ex, and I was happy to be dating and befriending him. And I wanted NO interference from my ex. On the other hand, my ex was waiting and pining. He wanted to REVERSE the time.

    When you want to reverse time, you are acting against its flow, making time flows real slow. But when you are rushing ahead and have little desire to look back time moves faster. Life moves faster. So while a dumpee is fixated backwards and a dumper is fixated forward. Hence the difference in time perception.

    This is more complicated than Einstein's Relativity. LOL.

    So yes, a month is nothing.

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  6. #25
    Bronze Member MrSoAndSo2009's Avatar
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    Very well stated.
    Thanks!

  7. #26
    Bronze Member twomonks's Avatar
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    Siberia,

    So what you are saying is that there was no point where you did or were close to going back to the ex, in this particular story?

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by twomonks
    Siberia,

    So what you are saying is that there was no point where you did or were close to going back to the ex, in this particular story?
    Yes we were close to reconciling--one year later, when things started going a bit rough with my second relationship and when I had started looking back fondly at my ex who had pretty much vanished from the scene by then. But our georgraphy precluded any getting back, and we both were then tied to our geographic locations. I didn't want to leave my new job and relocate. So getting back is a lot about dumper's timeline and life situations.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by MrSoAndSo2009

    She and I were actually on good terms after the break-up. She was contacting me every day, but I then told her to leave me alone. The 4 weeks went by and I was desperate and she could smell it. She told me: "The break-up feels like it just happened yesterday." She was trying to tell me that she didn't have enough time.
    OMG....This is unbelievable.

    So true....

    It has been four months already, and my ex is the kind that bottles things up a lot.

    I had been harassing him for a while, and only stopped doing so last month. By this time, all the memories and pain and anxiety of that is almost gone, like it was so long ago to me. BUT IT IS STILL FRESH IN HIS MIND.

    It is amazing..this thing...the sense of time. I remembered just two weeks ago that we had a fight about something that had nothing to do with our dead relationship really...and he got so angry about the way I am (controlling +manipulative+ tend to see the bad more than the good about people) that he dredged it all up and...lo and behold, it is as if me abusing the relationship/ abusing him/ and complicating it further by endless begging and bargaining, just happened an hour ago or something. From the way he sounded I knew it was still so fresh in his mind. While for me , I knew I stopped begging a month ago. I stopped using his money 5 months ago, stopped controlling and stop messing up the house 5 months ago too...His mind doesn't record any of that.

    Thank you for the insight...I think I somewhat knew this is how it is but need someone to come out, say it out loud, to hammer it into me..

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Siberia
    Yes we were close to reconciling--one year later, when things started going a bit rough with my second relationship and when I had started looking back fondly at my ex who had pretty much vanished from the scene by then. But our georgraphy precluded any getting back, and we both were then tied to our geographic locations. I didn't want to leave my new job and relocate. So getting back is a lot about dumper's timeline and life situations.


    Might be the case for me too...Maybe my little tomato will be gone forever.. The world is not just about the two of us, but tons of variables.

    such is life.....So important to make sure you stay on the path of least regret.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Siberia

    The relationship was dead. Do you take delight in talking about a dead loved person? No. It is sadistic to force a person to talk about it at all.
    ...........Beyond words..........a very good perspective.

    It is curious though that this bothers you though. I remember from your post that by the time you broke it off you were already kind of interested in another guy? You already had a new love interest and that should make you feel all fresh and giddly (we feel like that when we fall in love, right?) So now you get to sneeze the particle out so to speak and breath in some fresh air...I still don't understand why you as a dumper still felt sad. Look you have your fresh air and you are supposed to be happy. You know you don't want that particle any more....After all you already fell out of love. What is there to be sad about? What is sad in this situation? I still don't get it--if I were in your shoes I reckon I would not feel sad at all, or only a little...




    why does the dead relationship pain you so much? After all, YOU were quite happy to move on, as you said in your post....

    you are like a clone of my ex right now..sigh
    Last edited by kitchty; 04-04-2009 at 06:41 AM.

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