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Thread: Three week holiday with an ex- leaving in 3 days and need some advice

  1. #1
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    Three week holiday with an ex- leaving in 3 days and need some advice

    Iíve got myself into quite a situation. Me and my ex booked a 3 week trip overseas back in September last year. She broke up with me in January.

    Since then, we have been on and off in each others lives. Initially I was chasing her hard but sort of gave up in July when she told me she was seeing someone but had ended it. However, I was not able to fully cut her off because I was still in love and wanted her to go on this trip with me.

    She told me last week that they have been on and off. Always arguing about how she would spend time with me and planning to come on the trip with me. She was really into him but he has already left the country for good.

    Me and her are heading on the trip this Sunday and I donít feel like happy like I thought I would. Im filled with apprehension. She has told me repeatedly in the last 2 months that me and her will not happen but I was never strong enough to fully cut it off. Over the course of the last 8 months, the language used has slowly progressed from possibly/maybe (slept together a few times) near the start of the year, to not possible now. After the trip, I will have nothing to look forward to and hopefully will be able to end it for good if the trip does not go well.

    I feel like I would hate the trip if I went alone because I had looked forward to it for so long. But I would be sad to have her next to me in the same bed. I feel like I cant enjoy this trip anymore.

    I donít know what to do. Does anyone have advice on thoughts or mindset I should be having going into this? Maybe if you have been in a similar situation of going on a trip with an ex you have feelings for.

    I understand sane advice is to kick her off the trip but that is something I am not able/willing to do. Only three days to go.

    P.S. Some ground rules have been set a while back like we cannot hook up with other people on this trip

  2. #2
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    Firstly she doesnt love you. I don't think she knows what she wants but I'd say it isn't you unfortunately.


    Personally I think going on this trip will cause you a lot more heartache than its worth. If you have a good time you will get your hopes up and then she will dash them on the rocks with the offer of the friendzone.


    You need to let go of this false hope you have for her.

    Anyway I would say do not do it but it's your life.

  3. #3
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    I completely understand what you mean. Logically the best choice is not to go with her and cut it off. I can't do that now but I will after the trip

  4. #4
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    I understand sane advice is to kick her off the trip
    Are you paying for this trip? That is the implication if you potentially had the option to go alone or kick her off it. Is the trip non-refundable?

    To be honest, if you are paying for it, then it seems pretty clear to me that she is just using you for an expensive holiday, and will probably ditch you the moment that you are of no use to her.

    Do you not have a friend you can invite instead? Going alone will probably be quite depressing, though I suppose it depends on what you have planned... but honestly you are just being a mug if you are paying for a 3 week holiday for somebody simply taking advantage of your feelings.

    I recently broke up with a girl I was in a long distance relationship with, she offered to pay for various expenses like my flights (to go see her), rent, household bills (she is living in my house whilst I am still working overseas)... in an attempt to cling onto me. Because I am not a jack@ss I declined all payments and made it clear that I do not intend to reconcile with her. Not quite the same situation as yours, but you see how somebody who actually cared about you would not be messing with your feelings in exchange for money and nice things (like a 3 week holiday).

    Of course if I have misread this completely and she is actually paying for half of the holiday expenses, then I would just decline to go. Why put yourself through all that pain? She can go by herself if she does not want to waste the money.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Are you paying for this trip? That is the implication if you potentially had the option to go alone or kick her off it. Is the trip non-refundable?

    To be honest, if you are paying for it, then it seems pretty clear to me that she is just using you for an expensive holiday, and will probably ditch you the moment that you are of no use to her.

    Do you not have a friend you can invite instead? Going alone will probably be quite depressing, though I suppose it depends on what you have planned... but honestly you are just being a mug if you are paying for a 3 week holiday for somebody simply taking advantage of your feelings.

    I recently broke up with a girl I was in a long distance relationship with, she offered to pay for various expenses like my flights (to go see her), rent, household bills (she is living in my house whilst I am still working overseas)... in an attempt to cling onto me. Because I am not a jack@ss I declined all payments and made it clear that I do not intend to reconcile with her. Not quite the same situation as yours, but you see how somebody who actually cared about you would not be messing with your feelings in exchange for money and nice things (like a 3 week holiday).

    Of course if I have misread this completely and she is actually paying for half of the holiday expenses, then I would just decline to go. Why put yourself through all that pain? She can go by herself if she does not want to waste the money.
    Originally when we were together, I had paid for everything because I made a lot more. After our breakup and decision to still go, she has paid for all of her own airfares etc and a third of the hotels. The three main reasons I haven't decided to do my own thing was that:

    1. I was hoping to go on this trip with her for so long, now that I am 3 days away, I really don't want to cancel it
    2. Introspectively, one of the biggest reasons I wasn't strong enough to cut things off was because of this trip floating in the future. I always had that tiny bit of hope. Even though that hope doesn't really exist anymore, I would rather regret going with her then not going and wondering what if. If you know what I mean.
    3. Kind of hate travelling alone. I did try find some friends but timing didn't match up. Instead, me and friends organised another 4 week trip at the end of this year

    In terms of cancelling it all together, this trip in itself was something I had wanted to do for at least a few years now. I've been Japan once and it was always a dream to go back again

    All in all it has left me in a position where I will be going with her 100%. I wanted to work out what not to do, mindset, etc so that I can have the best trip possible at this stage

  7. #6
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tech5
    Originally when we were together, I had paid for everything because I made a lot more. After our breakup and decision to still go, she has paid for all of her own airfares etc and a third of the hotels. The two main reasons I haven't decided to do my own thing was that:

    1. I was hoping to go on this trip with her for so long, now that I am 3 days away, I really don't want to cancel it
    2. Introspectively, one of the biggest reasons I wasn't strong enough to cut things off was because of this trip floating in the future. I always had that tiny bit of hope. Even though that hope doesn't really exist anymore, I would rather regret going with her then not going and wondering what if. If you know what I mean.

    In terms of cancelling it all together, this trip in itself was something I had wanted to do for at least a few years now. I've been Japan once and it was always a dream to go back again
    Okay in that case you did not have the right to kick her off the trip anyway, unless you reimbursed her again for what she has paid towards the trip.

    To be honest I think it will be awkward, horrible and miserable. Enjoying holidays is not really about where you and what you do, but who you go with and why. You are going to go on a 3 week trip with the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. I think you will have an awful time, get jealous every time she flirts with a stranger, get frustrated that she will decline any intimacy or reconciliation and be heartbroken at the end of the trip when you realize that you will never have so much time together with her again.

    That said, if you can go into this with the mentality of "I am over her, but hey, she is still hot, maybe she'll be up for some action under the covers", then I suppose you got nothing to lose and some potential for fun times... but I don't think that is where your head is.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree you are going on this trip with the wrong person. What I would do is take the trip, make sure to sit away from her on the plane, go to a different hotel from her, and pay for it myself. Do my own sightseeing, have no interaction with her at all. When it's time to go home, try to get on a different flight if possible, or if that doesnt work, dont sit with her on the plane. I'd rather be alone on a holiday than be with someone I have no hope of a relationship with.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    The only mindset that will work is that she is your travel buddy and nothing more. Don't speak of romance, reconnecting, no intimacy, or flirting. Plan your major must-sees. 3 weeks is a long time to spend with someone, so decide to do some things solo, for a needed break from each other.

    On again, off again relationships mean one or both don't care enough. Although I'd rather lose the money than to spend 3 weeks with an ex, since you insist, train your brain to think of this as ending a dead romance by being civil and enjoying activities with someone who has transformed into a traveling companion for a one shot deal. After that, you can go your separate ways, ending things on a good note.

  10. #9
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    Presumably, as you were still together at the time, you booked a hotel room with a double bed. How is that going to work? The trip would be a lot easier to bear if you weren't sharing a room.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seems you've been comfortable being in this type of limbo for the better part of almost a year. What is so hard about being civil/friendly for the next three weeks? It will be challenging but I think you're getting cold feet in the moment and this is ok (most people would because of your history). In a few days both of you will be having the time of your life and this may be a good opportunity to bring closure to an otherwise open and festering wound. It's been left open for awhile now.

    I'd take a moment to quell the fight/flight impulse and stay the course, go on the trip, practice respect and kindness towards each other and accept your differences. I agree with not attempting to rekindle anything or appear pushy. I think it's the mature thing to do at this point as neither of you backed out up until now. You've also kept in touch with each other despite how painful your differences.

    Take it easy and enjoy the trip.

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