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Thread: Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?

  1. #1
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    Is reconciliation possible in this scenario?

    I'll try to keep this to the point as best I can.

    I'm currently in Week 5 of the split with a co-worker of mine. We were instantly drawn to each other, dated for nearly five months, but it felt longer than that due to the build up the five or six months before it. The breakup centers around the fact that I didn't make more time for her. Granted, there were some flags there that caused me to hesitate, but sometimes I focused too much on the "what might happen at work" if it were ever to go south. This caused some feet dragging on my part.

    Since I'm guilty of taking her for granted I felt it best to NOT go no contact - which would reinforce her belief that I didn't care as much as she did. I kept it light every 2-3 days via text or Instagram and at times made gestures I wish I had prior. We had moments where she'd open up a bit and flirt with me the way she used to. At one point she told me we could talk things out some more. Week 4 I felt we had a major breakthrough. She was coming by her sister's desk (who sits in front of my on my new team) and flirting with me. She asked me to have lunch with her twice. One of the days she even asked if she could come sit by me and help her with her casework. The irony is it wasn't anything she really needed my help with, but I liked the gesture. She even saw an invite I had for a team outing (at her sister's house) and basically invited herself as my +1.

    Thursday night of Week 4 she was set to flight out to Seattle so I called her up to wish her a fun trip. It felt good, it was light and fun. She thanked me for the call. I expected not to hear from her the whole trip, but surprisingly enough she texted me her first morning there. She was letting me know about the cat they had at the house she was staying. On the surface seemed benign, but it let me know she was thinking of me (she loves my cat). We joked around for about an hour then I let her be. By Saturday I noticed she posted some quote about letting things go that weren't meant for you. She had also not been watching any of my IG videos like she normally does. Then I made the mistake - I texted her about the people I was having dinner with were ironically from Seattle and it made me think of her.

    She basically laughed at it and asked why. I said I missed her. She then said she was drunk and that she might do something unflattering which is a callback to an episode we had this summer that she originally cried/begged me to forgive her for. I told her we already talked about this multiple times and she acted like I didn't know what I was talking about. I sent her the screenshots and she replied "a little late dont ya think?" with a frustrated emoji. I then naively respond "Depends on who's asking, but if you want me to continue eating sh- for it fine. Doesn't change what I texted, have a good night." Really moronic response from me. Week 4 went from major progress to feeling like square one again. I spent Week 5 entirely in no contact to give her some space and because I was kind of pissed she threw that summer incident in my face. Looking back on that incident deep down I know she was a sloppy mess because she had been harboring vulnerability of us not taking the next step.

    At the moment I don't know how to approach this. She is supposed to be my +1 this weekend, but I haven't confirmed with her yet (was thinking of calling her tonight). I also feel like I need to address the "I miss you". I meant well by it, but honestly it's a selfish statement to make. It comes off as though I'm trying to make it about my feelings again when she was the one who spent almost 5 months chasing me. She did come by her sister's desk this morning. She was acting somewhat awkward, but when I walked back from the copier I gave her a big smile. I could tell she wasn't sure whether to make eye contact with me, but eventually she looked up and waved. I would assume that she wouldn't have come by at all if my "I miss you moment" was still pissing her off.

    Thoughts? The worst part about this is not only do I feel the loss romantically, I feel I lost my best friend too.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Curious about those "red flags" that caused you to hesitate. Care to expound?

    It's hard, reading your post, to really understand why you want to get back together with her. The decoding of emojis, the gauging of things through Instagram—it sounds like a pretty shallow connection if you're turning to those tea leaves for answers. I mean, are you even sure you want to be back together with this woman, or are you just really sure you don't want to be broken up with her? There is a difference.

    Five month isn't that long. Yeah, you can spin it another way, that it felt longer because x and y, but still: it is only five months of your time on the planet. They sound kind of dramatic, and if your text exchanges are a clue, they don't quite sound like they brought out a mature, respectful side of either of you. And, alas, they led to you guys not working. Odds are if something isn't sticking pretty hard at five months it means it's just not sticky enough.

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Curious about those "red flags" that caused you to hesitate. Care to expound?
    For one, she was only technically "separated" from her ex-husband for 2 years while we dated. Ironically when I said "it's done" back in September, little did I know three days later she was going to finalize the divorce. I now realize she had already begun pulling away a couple of weeks prior. The other thing is that that experience (which lasted 9 years) clearly still weighed on her. Then the very first relationship she got into after it was a complete nightmare - the kind that scar people deeply. She followed that up with a roommate that needed a restraining order placed on him. I never got a sense that she was still being proactive about healing and charting out her life, moreso using certain things to distract herself and her anxiety. The thing is though, I never sat her down to probe about these things, I just didn't know how to given how sensitive the whole issue was.

    It's hard, reading your post, to really understand why you want to get back together with her. The decoding of emojis, the gauging of things through Instagram—it sounds like a pretty shallow connection if you're turning to those tea leaves for answers. I mean, are you even sure you want to be back together with this woman, or are you just really sure you don't want to be broken up with her? There is a difference.

    Five month isn't that long. Yeah, you can spin it another way, that it felt longer because x and y, but still: it is only five months of your time on the planet. They sound kind of dramatic, and if your text exchanges are a clue, they don't quite sound like they brought out a mature, respectful side of either of you. And, alas, they led to you guys not working. Odds are if something isn't sticking pretty hard at five months it means it's just not sticky enough.
    It is most definitely shallow right now aside from the in-person interactions during Week 4, her asking to be my +1, and a couple of other messages we exchanged over these last 5 weeks. There's simply not enough time to break all those conversations down. That text exchange two Saturday nights ago was definitely awful for both of us. But then again she's the one who feels she put in a ton of effort and didn't get the same out of it. Me saying I missed her doesn't matter right now she wanted to her it well before. I can imagine how frustrated that might make someone feel.

    Your question about why? At her core she's a beautiful soul. A lover of animals, great with kids, and lights up a room. She was 100% supportive of me and always in my corner when I was down. It's like I've known her all of my life and the connection was effortless. She was my best friend. I met her at a weird time though. Work was killing me - the level of stress I felt there was unbearable and I felt extremely underappreciated. I've also been managing my parents fighting for the last 20 years, which lately has deteriorated to nightmarish levels. In August for the second time in less than two years I've had to manage kidney failure for one of my pets. It ripped a scab open that wasn't yet fully healed from the last one. Battling something like that (where no matter what you can't win) puts you in a weird head space sometimes.

    This whole experience though has made me realize that I've been keeping too safe a distance with people - even the ones I care deeply for. I'm ashamed at how I've avidly been trying to avoid another round of disappointment in life. Yet here it is anyway.
    Last edited by TimeToGrowUp; Yesterday at 09:24 PM.


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