i dnt understand

I dnt understand why i keep thinking of ways to top myself. i never stop thnking about it. what can i do, im not 'just not happy' im in pain. my dreams r shattered becus iv failed at school, any nice emotions seem to have gone and my heart is failing to repair and i am really depressed.

cud it be because i used to get bullied?

im terrified of my dad becus he used to hit me wen i was younger and scare me?

becus of my lack of self esteem?

lack of confidence?

my gf finished with me after 3yrs?

she moved on strate away?

the side effect of depression from my medication?

that i myt lose my home?

tht my sister is now getting bullied?

that iv failed at school and now i can't fulfill my dream of becoming a teacher?

that i now have commitment problems?

that i hate my scars?

that i cry most nights and have to take sleeping aid?

i want to commit suicide but iv never attempted properly. i run kinves accross my wrist in hope tht i wil brave it, iv seen to many disturbing videos of suicide to use this method. i'v watched hours of videos of suicides and other such things. i drink strate vodka on my own and i keep pills in my room in hope that i will do it under the influence. i wnt to go to sleep and not have to face tomoro. evry day iv been hurt. maybe tonight is ryt, im in tears now ryting this becus i realise that iv failed my lyf.

You may feel like you failed your life, but you only made mistakes. That's a completely different idea. As long as you'll think of you harshly, you'll feel sad and depressed. And people like your father aren't bullying you because of your faults, even if they pretend it that way. It only talks about themselves. Of course, that doesn't explain why you're feeling so down when he bullies you. You're making that link because you want to give a meaning to your feelings coming from your thoughts and point of view on your life.

If you look around, you'll notice people doing mistakes everything. The difference is that they don't stay on that thought. Rather, they stay out of that point of view. Some will believe it was their destiny and that they had no control over it, some will take it as a joke, some will see it as an experience, etc. No matter how they see it, the difference between your feelings and theirs is the way you see things.

It takes time to change and at first you will find it hard, but you must find yourself a goal, an explanation to everything, find your inner motivation. You might seek more help. Go see a professionnal, or look for websites with informations on how to maintain your life a healthy life, get information on what goes through the mind of bullies, go see teachers and ask them questions on their profession and keep posting on here if you keep feeling bad.

I dnt understand why i keep thinking of ways to top myself. i never stop thnking about it. what can i do, im not 'just not happy' im in pain. my dreams r shattered becus iv failed at school, any nice emotions seem to have gone and my heart is failing to repair and i am really depressed.

The solution to this is not easily attained. Some people are more comfortable with their pain. The thought of attempting to move outside their comfort zone and really trying to lead a positive life is fearful to them. Can you not dwell on the pain so much?

cud it be because i used to get bullied?

Most everyone gets bullied by someone whilst growing up. Its not being bullied that is really affecting you, but what you did (or did not do) to stop it. You can change by taking a stand against the bullies.

im terrified of my dad becus he used to hit me wen i was younger and scare me?

Well this is just not right. Your father should have more restraint. Sometimes parents are under a lot of stress and they take it out on their kids. How old are you?

becus of my lack of self esteem?

lack of confidence?

These two things go hand in hand. You can build your self esteem and confidence by doing things that you like, and becoming really good at them.

my gf finished with me after 3yrs?

she moved on strate away?

Well, thats going to happen in your life. It's best that you learn how to handle emotional disappointments now, rather than 20 years from now. You have to move on to, like your girlfriend did. You ever see the movie "Ironman" where the lead character builds himself a suit to get himself out of danger. Well you have to start building yourself an emotional suit, rebuild yourself, better and stonger than before so you can get yourself out of danger.

the side effect of depression from my medication?

I know this one is going to be controversial, I am an extremely depressed man, who refuses to take medication. Primarily because it alters my higher intellect and affects my personality. Medication (for depression) should be looked at as a crutch, if you can get off of it I suggest that you do so.

that i myt lose my home?

You home? Or your families home? You or (if your a minor) your parents can seek financial assistance at your state government agency (if you live in the US).

tht my sister is now getting bullied?

By "Bullied" what do you mean exactly, by whom?

that iv failed at school and now i can't fulfill my dream of becoming a teacher?

Well, OK, There are many different types of teachers. If you still are in school you can focus on what you have to do (Study Hard) to get through it and graduate. Or if you are no longer in school you can take your GED and then go to college.

that i now have commitment problems?

To whom? You stated that that you girlfriend is no longer in the picture. Could it be the commitment to yourself and the goals that you want to attain?

that i hate my scars?

Scars on the outside can be erased, it's the scars on the inside that are the one's that will remain forever. What are yours?

that i cry most nights and have to take sleeping aid?

Im sorry to hear this, do you cry because of all the things that you have lost (in this list of yours) or is it because of the path you know you must take (to aquire the dreams that you have for yourself) is difficult and will take extreme effort and pain to attain?Real success in life is never easy.