"This Love is Taking Over My Energy"

Ok so i'm new to this site - i've read bits and pieces before i'd joined though, some saying how you need an introduction post ... well im sorry i dont know what that is / how to do it so what you have just read was my introduction.

I have an odd problem, im pretty much in love with someone, they consume my thoughts all the time and like the title implies; its tiring me out.

Im ''straight'' (bicurious) ... and in a relationship which is going good

The guy in question, im not sure about his sexuality - on the one side he does sports and his friends are pretty much "straight" people but ...

then on the other, ive heard rumours about him maybe swaying the other way and his friends making jokes about it. Also people have asked me if i thought he was or not and saying because they did

most importantly for a long time theres been like an exchange of stares every so often, but theyre less frequent now , probably on my part

but yeah pretty like different kind of looks , i dont know =/

for a while i noticed it a lot, and it wasnt like a normal look it was a lot different

other randoms online have said typical stuff like talk, become a friend first etc etc all that stuff, but theres really really set in stone kind of groups so its virtually impossible to do that

im really not sure what to do because id be here all day if i listed how this has become a 24/7 thing i think about - i just cant stop thinking about it

any thoughts?

p.s. im not a fan of people who say theyre in love like whenever something comes along, im pretty mature when it comes to stuff like ... thats why thats the only word i can use to describe what im feeling, well maybe like a 'major crush'

What is tiring about it? And what exactly your 24/7 thoughts are? It is difficult to give any advice without understanding what is bothering you. Obviously the feelings or thoughts you are having consume all of your time and it could be exhausting. Is it the unknown that tires you or it is wondering how possible this relationship could be? If something lie that catches me I would go and investigate it, try to get closer to the person who consumes my thoughts. Sexual orientation is not a primary concern, I do believe that real feelings could be only mutual and if that is not the case, here is a cure right there from the obsession you are probably having now. For me the major turn off is when the person is not interested in me, then my curiosity also dies eventually. However we all different....

So your in a relationship and it's going well? Do you think your bf has noticed your mind has been elsewhere?

What is tiring about it? And what exactly your 24/7 thoughts are? It is difficult to give any advice without understanding what is bothering you. Obviously the feelings or thoughts you are having consume all of your time and it could be exhausting. Is it the unknown that tires you or it is wondering how possible this relationship could be? If something lie that catches me I would go and investigate it, try to get closer to the person who consumes my thoughts. Sexual orientation is not a primary concern, I do believe that real feelings could be only mutual and if that is not the case, here is a cure right there from the obsession you are probably having now. For me the major turn off is when the person is not interested in me, then my curiosity also dies eventually. However we all different....

My thoughts are i want to be with this person all the time, its a bit obsessive...

i want to be with this person but i barely know them, and have little chance of being able to get to know them due to the set groups everyone hangs around in which arent easy to change

considering both of us are "straight" aswell - im in a straight relationship

so the first thing i think about is, could there be a chance that this person isnt straight? so i just weighed up evidence, because ive heard more about it than i have about others - more people rumour that he could be [sad, i know]

and then secondly even if i got to that impossible stage of knowing he was, would he even like me?

i guess im tired of going in circles of trying to look for more hints, because to be honest i dont think it was my fault, because i only started to feel like this after all the looks he gave me, and now its me obsessing over it - trying to avoid looking at him but seeing if he's looking at the same time

Well, blueblueblue, according to what you have said it is a lack of reassurance that really sets you off along with the persistent desire to be with this person. I would think you are very young because such a thing like "set groups" could be considered at this point as an obstacle. Seriously I can not understand why don't you approach this guy and talk to him? Do rumors give you info about his interests or direction of his studies? "Hey, I've heard you like so and so, do you have this and this?" or "I've heard you are great at math, could you explain to e this and this?" "Hey, Ive heard you love these type of movies, my girlfriend can't go, would you come with me?" On his possible question "why me?" I would say "because I want to, or because I like you". And see how it goes. Honestly I do not understand all these worries about "what chance I have to be liked", "what other people would think", "what would this person think". I see them as an excuse not to live your life. If I think about how many people are insecure and scared to dare to live their lives, it looks very depressing to me, then I think about these groups that are set and strong and full of people who need reassurance, who need that group only because they can not function independently, it bores me. However I was like that from early childhood, I never had a problem to attract someone I liked but I never was part of the group. And to tell you the truth that is the best way for me to live this life. And when the first time in my life I felt sexual interest to the girl, I just gave it some time to check if it is really true for me, and then approached this girl by reporting on my feelings. Not even for a second I was wondering if she is straight, not straight, it was not important. I express my interest, I think it is VERY important, I guess, I just have a great respect for y interest and consider that other people also appreciate it. Even if my interest can not be reciprocated due to sexuality, issues, circumstances, mismatch I have no doubt it would be respected. I never met a person who wouldn't be flattered or think that you are an idiot if you expressed your interest in him.

your advice is helpful so thank you for that but /

its not as easy as that - there are like social things in place and yes it would be lovely to be like "hi come to the cinema" but there could be a big backlash on me and how would i deal with that? who wants to put themselves through social hell

maybe ill get small talk with him somepoint but it would be rare as everyone goes about with the same people, and i love my friends so thats fine and i wouldnt change that - maybe i should force myself to get over it i dunno, but its just so argggh

i wish he'd just do something to make me realise or maybe if i found out he'd done stuff with someone it would help - just something to give me a push

i know you think i sound ridiculous but welcome to the world of contemporary relationships ... 99% time they are d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t.

another day another thought.

blueblueblue, I do not think you are ridiculous. I think, you are rather pretty normal Reasons that hinder you from approaching and doing what you probably want to do (go to the cinema, coffee, etc) with someone who caught your interest are very common. It is a fear of ridicule, rejection, fear to appear different, unexpected, out of rules. Obviously those fears are stronger than your attraction and desire to act on it. If so, there is not that much of a choice, you have to admit this to yourself and stop expecting from this guy anything that will help you to deal with your fears. It is not his job to do, life is like that - you want something, then show that you can have it, then you get it. I'll tell you one example, when I was torn between a desire to start love relationship with a girl and a fear of a huge mistake I am probably making, I didn't know this girl, but I knew that once I step on this road, there is no road back for me, my life would take a different turn forever. And at this point I desired so much that this girl would help me to make my decision by expressing her desire or something. However she didn't help me a bit. And at one point I knew - the hell with everything, I want it, I've made my mind, I am giving it a go. It was not her job to solve my issues, she had her issues to solve and make her own decision against her own fears. So that how it goes in life. If you can't defeat your own fears, just give up, it is not the right time for you.

I understand what you mean - hmmm yeah i suppose if i want it I need to go for it, but the feelings i have for the person do outweigh ruining everything - i feel stronger for the person than the opinions of others, but i just cant do it, i dont feel i have the courage

but if the person liked me then do you not think they wouldve made an attempt to speak to me? therefore, is there a point in expressing an interest myself?

and it would help if i found if they were straight or not because then i would know not to waste my time

just wondering but did it work out for you with the girl?

there is no help in this world, that is the whole point! This is the beauty of daring I tell you one thing - when you do it, without any help from outside, it is a great feeling. Yes, it worked out with the girl.

fair enough, but it's not really like a game - obviously id love to just walk up and be like you know what etc etc

maybe one day.

ok so the other day he walked by with a friend and i saw him briefly stare directly at me where i was sitting then look away and walk over to wherever they were going

the friend didnt do this

is this just me over analysing?

I can sympathize as I'm in a similar situation.

The first thing I would do would be, as you stated before, get closer to the guy and figure him out. Become friends while being perceptive and attentive. If your main goal is to find out his sexuality then you could bring up the subject of gay marriage or something else. Although that isn't exactly reliable, especially considering closeted guys with influenced opinions. Or they could say things out of fear of stigma. Either way you perceive this there is no definite answer, even directly asking him may not be reliable.

Even if he is gay/bi, is he closeted? Will he come to terms with this for you?

You also interestingly noted that you're straight/bicurious, when did you yourself come to accept/notice this? Is this guy the first that makes you feel this way?

04/09/2009

nothing has changed, obviously new 'evidence' has come up and more looks but we havent spoken to each other or anything which is the important bit

i still feel just as strong about it as i did 5months ago, not sure where hes going to university but im sure its not where im going ... 14 days maximum, 7 days minimum

ohwell thats life, maybe in the future if he comes out ill get in touch, ha!