** just sighs **

Was doing good... havent cut or burned since i got outa the hospital. Ive wanted to... ive wanted to really bad but i guess the fact that its out in the open and they are looking for it has stopped me, but i couldnt help myslef tonight. Went looking for a lighter and when i couldnt find one resorted to cutting. Why is it never enough ? the second it stops bleeding i gotta do it again and go deeper so it bleeds longer. I just watch as the blood pools in the newly formed slices in my skin and streaks down my arm. My arms stinging now and i actually like it. why do i like the pain so much? dont see my new phyciatrist and counsler for another week or so but i really dont see how its going to help. They just keep throwing more labels on me and more pills at me that really dont help at all. I truly dont see myself ever being happy. im just trudging through each miserably day... living outa guilt. Ive never know any other way of looking at life. Ive never know what its like to feel any other way. Apparently ive been like this since i was around 4. How can talking with some phyciatrists and counselors really change my entire outlook on life. Do i even want my outlook to change? life truly does seem so trivial and meaningless. Whats the point of going through all the misery when were just going to die eventually anyways? Nothing last forever... why not just make that end come alittle sooner? why am i even posting here? Am i really sadistic enough where i need others to know the pain i feel? Am i really so desperate for attention that i need to complain to people i dont even know? guess ill just keep sighing and letting it all run through my head. I could try my distractions like ive been doing. Go get lost in a book or go out with some people but thats what i did today and it only makes my mind race even more. Whats the point ? Now more then ever going out with people feels like more of an exhausting chore then anything else. Ive been labled with borderline personality disorder and social phobia among other things. Ever since this all came out in the open a couple weeks ago i feel like its worse now then ever. Or maybe im just noticing it more. i dont even know anymore. Does it really matter ? I hate being alone but i hate being around people even more...really how should i handle that ? I just want to die... Why wont people just let me be in peace? why is death, as natural as it is, such a horrid thing for people?

Dying isn't peace. There truly is peace deep inside you. Don't try finding it with your brain, try feeling it with your body. I know it sounds like things are really terrible and * * * * ty, but trust me, nothing is ever that bad. Don't let the voice in your head rule out your life, or make you feel bad.

i know most people wont agree with me and to be honest i dont care because everyone has a right to their own opinions but to me death is complete nothingness. And what could be more peaceful then complete nothingness? for everything to just go away and no longer having a conscious or mind or anything at all. To feel no pain or misery ever again. sure theres no pleasure either but i wont be able to realize that. Just complete nothingness is exactly what i want at this point

I know that many people consider religious answers to be irrelevant and annoying to problems like this, but I can't help but say that death is not complete nothingness. The soul lasts forever. I am a christ-follower, I have a relationship with God, and after I die, I will be with Him. I don't really see death as a really bad thing, but I love my life here too. You obviously have a lot of pain in your life, and whatever psychiatrists are just loading you with pills don't understand the deeper pain and needs that you are facing here. Pills don't help that.

There is healing out there. Your life doesn't have to be endless misery, for, if that were the case, death might seem a better option. I'd say firstly, do make peace with God. God loves you, He send His Son to save you, from your own sin, and eventually from this whole sin-cursed world, so that you'll be with Him forever. That what He wants, because He cares for you.

I know what it's like to want to injure myself, and I've also been suicidal like a couple months ago. I know that's nothing like the misery you've have for years and years, but I do care, and there is hope! There is life more and better than what you are living now. Find a better counselor who will actually find a way to help you heal from the deep wounds in your life that are causing your current misery. Find meaning in life, life is not meaningless. I live to help other people, cus I believe I'll be very happy after death, but it's only while I'm alive that I can make a difference, or be there for other people who have no one to care. In that, I find meaning to my existence.

But it's hard to care for others when you yourself are feeling so much bad, and no good in life. A counselor, a good one, can help you find good, and find ways to leave misery behind you, Without just more pills. I care for you. Don't give up.

I believe there is a path to peace which is much more satisfactory than the nothingness of death. When I am in great pain it seems unreachable, but it is always possible. What is causing you so much pain that you wish to be released?