"Father Issues"

So here's the deal:

I came to the realization recently that my father never really loved me, he was a selfish narcissist who saw me as a burden. No one can tell me that love is a given simply because it's your biological child. My mother was always the caregiver for my sister and I and he never contributed al beit financially. After my mom died when I was 6 he was now the only caregiver. He married a horrid woman shortly after and I know this was due to the fact that he had no idea how to care for children and also that he was lonely.

My father physically and emotionally abused me for about 3 years after my mother died. I would face a beating on a daily basis and he would call me names and degrade me regularly. He finally sent me to live with my mother's family when I was 9. I had one phone call from him since then. When I was 15 he called me to tell me he never loved me and never wanted anything to do with me ever again.

My question is this ena....Why do I still love this man? I know that if he called me tomorrow and said he wanted to be in my life again, I would be elated. I would welcome him with open arms. Shouldn't I hate this man? Shouldn't I be overcome with anger for what he did to me? I don't understand it. Any insight will be welcome.

Thanks for reading.

BTW...I am in therapy, but this is a nagging issue that I would like feedback on.

It isn't uncommon to still care for an abuser or somebody who neglected you. I have asked myself the same question many times. I think it might have something to do with you being subordinate to them (putting them in the position to abuse you). Because of that, you look up to them to a certain extent. Also, maybe to make the relationship work or try to mend it, you were put in the position of having to pursue them or their love.

It is only natural to want a relationship with your parents. In this case it seems like what are feeling is "normal" and he is the one with the problem. But, you can't change him and so to help yourself just need to work on letting go?

It isn't uncommon to still care for an abuser or somebody who neglected you. I have asked myself the same question many times. I think it might have something to do with you being subordinate to them (putting them in the position to abuse you). Because of that, you look up to them to a certain extent. Also, maybe to make the relationship work or try to mend it, you were put in the position of having to pursue them or their love.

 

It is only natural to want a relationship with your parents. In this case it seems like what are feeling is "normal" and he is the one with the problem. But, you can't change him and so to help yourself just need to work on letting go?[/QUOTE]

 

It's been 20 years since I've seen him. I wish letting go was easy. That's why I have these ponderings. I don't understand why I can't let go.

It is probably really hard for you to let go. I mean, you lost your mother and you basically also lost your father. They are you biological parents and did raise you for some period of time. There are constant reminders all around about how important the love of a parent and child are (mother's day, father's day, television). If you ever have kids, you probably want to have an extended family and grandparents to take them to.

It sounds like you never got any closure really. It isn't like a dating relationship where you have some sort of official breakup. Do you think there is something you could do to close that "chapter"?

It is probably really hard for you to let go. I mean, you lost your mother and you basically also lost your father. They are you biological parents and did raise you for some period of time. There are constant reminders all around about how important the love of a parent and child are (mother's day, father's day, television). If you ever have kids, you probably want to have an extended family and grandparents to take them to.

 

It sounds like you never got any closure really. It isn't like a dating relationship where you have some sort of official breakup. Do you think there is something you could do to close that "chapter"?

I'm at a loss here. I have a six year old daughter that I love more than anything in the world. I don't know how to close a chaper like that. I forgave him long ago for what he did to me and maybe I shouldn't have. But is it better to keep something like this festering inside you, or to forgive the person who abused you. I've been told forgiving helps you move on...so why in this case hasn't it? I don't know.

I don't know either. I have tried forgiving my mom for what she did to me and my dad for never being there. My problems with my dad I guess I don't care about as much as we were never close and never talked. My mom on the other hand I think gave me quite a few pretty deep scars and has never seemed even a little bit sorry. In fact, she now has totally wiped her memory of most of the things she did to me and sees HERSELF as the victim. When I asked her why me.. she said "you breast fed too hard." These people are not to be reasoned with...

I just try to tell myself that she has mental issues that are not recognized by herself and aren't dealt with. That way, it makes it feel like it isn't my fault.. even though she blames me for her behavior. To this day she tells me nobody likes me and I can't get along with people just because of her issues with me. She said it was my fault that some of my friends spread rumors that I am schizophrenic around campus and will never give me the benefit of the doubt.

Aaaand... I'm currently getting P.O.ed just thinking about it. So, I don't know either.

...

"I think it might have something to do with you being subordinate to them (putting them in the position to abuse you)..."

SuzyQ... she didn't put him in the position to abuse her, she was a little girl... I'm sure you have a lot of knowledge in this area (I gather from your other posts)... but the wording did bother me here. I don't think you meant it that way.

OP, children blame themselves for the abuse they suffered at the hands of their parents and they idealize their abusive parent to preserve the image of the loving parent they need in their minds. then they go through their adult relationships trying to solve these issues... I had a emotionally abusive father, I come to the realisation that I was doing the above (blaming myself and idealizing him, even as I felt anger at him). For me, now 36, it was only last year that I resigned myself to never trying to have a relationship with him because I got beck in some contact with him last year and he showed me how little responsibility he had taken for what he did to me, my siblings and my mother. I think he's toxic and I don't want a relationship with him at all. My anger hurts me though and I still have a lot of healing to do. I have trust and boundary issues as well as control issues, that come up mostly with my intimate partners. I don't know how close I will be able to get to my next partner if I choose to have one.

Take it one day at a time, you'll get to understanding things better and healing yourself. About your father I can say that he is unbelievably cruel for what he did and said to you and that HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOUR WASTING YOUR LIFE AND DIGNITY AND HEALTH FOR HIM. Ufortunatelly we don't choose our parnets and some people do not deserve to have children. But now you are an adult and it's your life. I know, easier said than done... I struggle too.

please take care.

Can't explain that one. My father hated me, never wanted a child, especially never wanted a daughter, and I've never loved him. I went through a lot of pain trying to make him like me as a child, and even into adulthood, and I was well into my 30s before I finally realized that it was all a waste. I think I inherited my complete lack of parental instinct from him, and desire to never have kids. If he feels like I do, there's literally just a sense of blankness inside when it comes to kids. Zero interest, zero appeal.

"I think it might have something to do with you being subordinate to them (putting them in the position to abuse you)..."

 

SuzyQ... she didn't put him in the position to abuse her, she was a little girl... I'm sure you have a lot of knowledge in this area (I gather from your other posts)... but the wording did bother me here. I don't think you meant it that way.

No, of course I did not mean that she put her father in the position to abuse her. By nature, because she is a child who is dependent on her father, her father was dominate while she was subordinate. The person in control has the ability to abuse there.

SuzyQ,

that's what I though, cause your posts always come accross as you being a very intellignet woman.

so we agree, that the child thinks that they are to blame for the abuse, that it is their fault? and that this is a huge part of the problem...

.. the problem being that all throughout our lives, we will define ourselves and our relationships according to this guilt we feel,...

No, I don't think it is ever the child's fault for being abused.. no matter how nasty they may be or how many tantrums they throw, as an adult one is supposed to learn to control their emotions without acting on them. If they feel rage, they do not have to abuse their child.

Also, on the topic of being in the "subordinate" position. .. as the dependent, you are often unable to stand up for yourself, correct the situation, or act out in anger. I think it isn't uncommon to take that frustration out on yourself. If all the child can do is bite their tongue and then go to their room to cry for hours.. this seems to lead to depression and then an even greater loss of self worth.

Your dad probably made you feel pretty worthless the way he just shipped you off like that. Do you think you have done enough so far to help build back up your self esteem? Maybe if you did something that made you feel really good about yourself (I dunno.. like running a marathon?), it would let you sort of "fight back" and gain back control?

Can't explain that one. My father hated me, never wanted a child, especially never wanted a daughter, and I've never loved him. I went through a lot of pain trying to make him like me as a child, and even into adulthood, and I was well into my 30s before I finally realized that it was all a waste. I think I inherited my complete lack of parental instinct from him, and desire to never have kids. If he feels like I do, there's literally just a sense of blankness inside when it comes to kids. Zero interest, zero appeal.

I also never, ever wanted children, but I love my little girl to pieces and try to raise her the exact opposite of what I was raised as.

I think you may be onto something here. I have very little self-worth. I'm 30 lbs overweight, I smoke, I eat terribly, basically have lost control over my body and health. I think I might be able to use this to become the person I want to be physically. I'm working on myself emotionally, but my health has kinda been put to the wayside.

I think you may be onto something here. I have very little self-worth. I'm 30 lbs overweight, I smoke, I eat terribly, basically have lost control over my body and health. I think I might be able to use this to become the person I want to be physically. I'm working on myself emotionally, but my health has kinda been put to the wayside.

Whenever I fall into depression I start abusing my body as well. They say that exercise really helps you mood and I would have to think that is true from my experience. If nothing else, it makes you feel like you are accomplishing something rather that being stagnant. I think if you work on your physical health your mental will improve as well.

Whenever I fall into depression I start abusing my body as well. They say that exercise really helps you mood and I would have to think that is true from my experience. If nothing else, it makes you feel like you are accomplishing something rather that being stagnant. I think if you work on your physical health your mental will improve as well.

I know you are right. I have to kick myself in the pants to get moving on it

Same. I think even the little I have done this week is helping.