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Are you struggling to get over an abusive relationship? Do you believe it is all your fault? READ!!!


fiffy

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THIS IS A STORY OF HOPE FOR ALL OTHERS IN THIS SITUATION. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FIND RELIEF, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE OVER!

 

For the last nine months I have struggled to get over a nasty break-up. My relationship was filled with abuse, but the break-up brought a whole new meaning to the emotional and verbal abuse.

 

Despite knowing my ex is an abusive man, I couldn't see past the fact that it was my fault and I deserved it. Years of a drip drip affect from him to my self esteem have been devastating.

 

At first it was just a single comment, the first day "maybe you shouldn't eat this evening, your a little overweight". You just think your being oversensitive right? He was only concerned for my health? But the compliments never came......... "It's because your family eat white bread your overweight".............."I can't understand how anyone can get to that state of not looking after one's body".

 

And still you think, oh he just doesn't realise how much it hurts. So you tell him and explain how you feel. He laughs it off saying he is just telling the truth and stop being so weak and sensitive about the situation.

 

But the abuser is clever. He wants you to believe everything that comes from his mouth, and so manipulated outsiders step up the campaign. "If you loved our son you would lose weight"..............."maybe you should join weight watchers". By now your thinking I am obese right? Look at my picture......I am a normal healthy weight woman. Do I look in the slight bit overweight to you?

 

So the abuse intensifies..........soon I am eating 1 slice of melon and 5 hazelnuts for breakfast........a small plain green leaf salad for lunch.........and the smallest main meal you have ever seen.............oh and 1.5-2 hrs straight spinning overseen by him.

 

By this point he had isolated me. I was in a new country, no friends or family and living with his. I thought I must have meant something to be living with his parents. Ha! What a joke! I was there to be isolated and controlled.

 

The subtle abuse spread to him laughing at me whenever I put on a dress or skirt. He would humiliate me so much I thought I must look terrible in them. Towards the end of the relationship when things were really bad I had bought an expensive pencil, bandage skirt. I had put it on in the attempt of appearing attractive to the man that would never touch me, but I was told "it makes your bum look massive..........you really have no sense of style.........you have no idea how to dress yourself to look good". incidentally...I am a trained fashion stylist!

 

So I lived a life in the 2 pairs of jeans and 4 tops that were ok by him. I stopped straightening my hair because "it looks very fake.......like your trying too hard". To be honest by this point I just didn't care how I looked, because I knew I would look terrible whatever I did or tried.

 

Abuse starts of subtle. If it started with the full blown threats, venom and violence no one would stand for it, they would just walk away. The abuser works very subtly, casting doubt in your mind, making you question yourself. It is this that slowly chips away at your self esteem.

 

Before I met my ex I had been single for nearly a year and a half/2 years. I was happy. I didn't need anyone or anything. I would happily walk out in the fields with my dogs basking in the sun and just how perfect life was in its most simplest form. I was content. This is a far cry from the suicidal wreck I became.

 

I used to think, he doesn't know how much he hurts me with those comments, he just doesnt think........................How wrong! Of course they know how much those comments hurt, and how much damage they are doing. You would have to be brain dead not to! Abusers are clever when it comes to deceit and lies. They are manipulative and clever!

 

I used to be so humiliated and dejected when my boyfriend would refuse sex. I tried everything. Not a day went by when I didn't have new underwear or something new to try and arouse his interests. But nothing. This guy with held sex and intimacy and watched me desperately trying to get it. He was a cat with a mouse.

 

Then came the further humiliation. I would be made to shower directly before and after he could touch me. Then he would wake me up at 6AM to get showered, even on the weekend. When the abuse had reached fever point he was telling me I smelt, that I was foul, my gentitalia was deformed. That I was so repulsive he felt sick having sex with me.

 

Sex only ever lasted seconds. He told me it was because he just wanted to get it over and done with because it was that vial.

 

So months have past and yet I could not free myself from his grip when he contacted me. I was looking for him to come back to me and say............"you are the love of my life.........you are not all those things I called you..........I don't want to lose you" I was wanting my self esteem back, not him. Yet the only way I could see my self esteem restoring was if he took back everything he said and did.

 

Despite everything and everyone telling me, its not you he would abuse anyone, I just didn't believe it. My ex had told me that he only finds black women attractive and as I am the exact opposite, blonde hair, blue eyes and pale, white skin I was totally not his type. He said he had never been attracted to me and was looking for a way out for the whole duration.

 

Well last weekend I had a barrage of e-mails (he no longer has my phone numbers). He blamed me for his relationship failing with the girl he cheated on me with and began dating behind my back. At the time I thought I was pregnant, we had been trying for a baby (luckily I was not). I could not believe he would blame me for that. It had nothing to do with me.

 

The e-mail included threats to kill me and my father. Naturally I am very scared of this man and am filled with fear and dread with his presence.

 

He forced me to write an e-mail to this girl telling her I had been stalking him for 2 years, not his girlfriend, and that my presence in his life had put incredible strain on him. He made me say I sent nasty e-mails to her pretending to be him. I did this shaking and crying, sent to hers and his e-mail addresses so he could be sure.

 

Then something deep inside of me shouted NO! I thought I am not humiliating myself. This guy cannot get to me! So I e-mailed her a 2 page e-mail detailing the abuse and what really went on.

 

Needless to say I regreted what I had done. I never lower myself by acting that way. I always think it is best just to walk away and be the bigger person. But this time it was one step too far. He was telling me how much he loved this girl and how much he wanted her whilst saying I was gross and vial. I just thought ENOUGH!

 

I did not eat or sleep for two days, waiting for him to come and get me after what I had done. I was sure she would tell him or send it him. I know I would. Fearing for my life I sought the help of my cousin who is a police officer and my parents. They knew it was a bad break-up but they had no idea of the levels of abuse. It was hard to speak out but they have really helped practically in blocking all contact. I have all new e-mails and deleted all old ones and all new telephone numbers which are ex directory. He can no longer get to me as of now.

 

I couldn't believe it when I received an e-mail back from this girl. It was not angry or upset but in a calm, controlled tone. She explained that she had dumped my ex after she sensed there was someone already in the role of a girlfriend. She was always introduced as a 'friend' and thrown out of his house without time to get changed in the morning. She was also abused by this man. She detailed all the abuse, racist remarks, belittling and threatening her, sending her naked pictures of other girls he was sleeping with and saying how much nicer looking they were than her.

 

It was like reading back my own experience, she stank, she was fat, she was ugly.

 

This is the woman of his dreams (or so he told me), why treat the woman of his dreams like this. In someways her abuse was much more extreme than mine, but as hers only lasted weeks her self esteem had not ben eroded.

 

She had also angered him by telling him how bad he was in bed, how messed up he was in the head, how he should not be a teacher, how sad and pathetic he really is. Everything I had ever dreamed of saying but was too afraid to.

 

This girl has become a real inspiration to me. She talked to me for a whole day and just showed me how it was not me. I am in no way defective. This girl was his ideal, thin, black, athletic but still she was abused. If she really was the love of his life he would have been able to be nice to her and make it work for a least longer than four weeks. In the end he left her because she was a cheap prostitute (in his words). But because she had told him she had had enough anyway and didn't want anything to do with him it bruised his ego.

 

This girl has saved all of his abusive e-mails and changed her phone number and e-mails etc. She got in contact with him a month ago which is when he started professing his love. He was only chasing her because she brushed him off, but that still wasn't enough to stop him being abusive to her.

 

She has moved on now and is happy with someone else. She couldn't care less about him and showed me that I shouldn't either.

 

I had seen a picture my ex took of her on my camera. This girl was not anything to look at, but I thought to myself if she can look in the mirror and see beauty she is a strong woman. She says she is beautiful and intelligent and she knows it. She says she can do far better than that pathetic man and she is right.

 

With her supportive words I finally realised that I am beautiful. I did not get dumped and cheated on because I was too fat and unattractive. I got dumped because I wasn't challenging his abuse so he could not escalate it.

 

For the first time in two years I feel calm and at peace. I feel the release of tension throughout my face and body. I feel like this is my new start.

 

For me, my self esteem was shattered. I even thought I was the one harrassing and abusing him. I was so confused and in doubt because I believed everything he said I just couldn't begin to sort myself out.

 

This realisation that he will abuse everyone has taken away my self hatred and blaming.

 

I feel free to live my life.

 

I could not have imagined I would have got to this place 3 days ago. Right then and there I was going to end my life. But now I just cannot wait for the future!

 

To anyone out there who is struggling to remove themselves from an abusive relationship. Please do not be too hard on yourself. Your abuser has made you dependant and attached to them so it is very difficult to make a clean break. It is also very difficult to keep away from them. I know this.

 

I used to think I was the only person he would ever treat this way. Afterall he told me this girl took his breath away, that he would just touch her hair and he would feel intimacy like no other. He told me he loved the way she smelt, they way she talked, everything about her.

 

It just shows you should never believe one word that comes out of an abusers mouth!

 

I know this thread is very long and for those of you who got to the end, congratulations!

 

I just wanted to spread a message of hope. In those dark desperate times a light will come. I never believed it. But it is true.

 

If I can help just one person with my message, I feel the bravery in speaking out is worth it.

 

There are so many on this site who I feel greatful to for their support. I hope now I can be there for others in this situation xx

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THATTA GIRL!!!! Fiffy, this is the post I've been looking for to read on this forum. And it came from you, no less. Someone who was tearing herself up for so long.

Tonight when I get back from work and can be alone, I'm going to read this again, because when I'm alone is when it hurts most.

 

You seem like a strong and wonderful person, and I thank you for sharing this revelation. How was your support group meeting?

 

I'd give you rep for this post, but I have to spread the rep before I can give you more

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I'm sorry you experienced all that horrible abuse at the hands of that sadistic man. I'm proud of you for getting out and for learning to value yourself. It is a long road, just take it one day at a time.

 

I can relate, my father used to threaten to kill us (mother, me, siblings).

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I may have mentioned it on here before, but the level of brainwashing in mental/emotional abuse cases is astounding. Upon rekindling talks with my ex after the first split he said to me, "I am so sorry, I knew I was hurting you but I just didn't know I was hurting you THAT bad."

 

It took me a couple more years to finally understand what this meant which was, "All of the mind games I played with you were intentional and I wanted to hurt your feelings and keep you from feeling good about yourself. My only mistake was pushing you so far that you got rid of me."

 

When I finally realized this truth, it made me puke, literally. I let go so fast it was almost projectile.

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I may have mentioned it on here before, but the level of brainwashing in mental/emotional abuse cases is astounding. Upon rekindling talks with my ex after the first split he said to me, "I am so sorry, I knew I was hurting you but I just didn't know I was hurting you THAT bad."

 

It took me a couple more years to finally understand what this meant which was, "All of the mind games I played with you were intentional and I wanted to hurt your feelings and keep you from feeling good about yourself. My only mistake was pushing you so far that you got rid of me."

 

When I finally realized this truth, it made me puke, literally. I let go so fast it was almost projectile.

 

Thank you so very much for this post as well, ready2heal. I think this may be one of the most beneficial threads I've read in my time here. It all just hits home. I didn't even rekindle talks with my ex, but shortly after the breakup, she sent me a winded e-mail saying almost that EXACT same thing: "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you, I don't mean to keep hurting you...I didn't think it was that bad." Those last 7 words killed the entire statement for me. Didn't think it was THAT bad? So you knew it was bad? That - coupled with the fact that during the relationship she kept saying the same thing - told me that she knew what was going on. She could control it. She knew how to push my buttons (her own words) and was not only pushing them on purpose, but was dancing on them.

 

"My only mistake was pushing you so far that you got rid of me." I never even thought of it like that, but it makes so much sense.

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I tend to think of it as a parasitic relationship with me being the host. As long as I had any self-esteem for my ex to feed off of he had no reason to look elsewhere but as soon as I'd been bled dry so to speak his eyes began to wander for the next victim.

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Hey Seymore,

 

Thanks for your wonderful message.

 

I just thought that what happened was such a massive turn around for me mentally I should share it.

 

It really has lifted the darkness.

 

As you well know abusive and manipulative people can ruin your life so anything that helps us get through is a bonus.

 

I have some information on how to free yourself from these abusers if you want to send me your e-mail I will forward it to you. EVen though you are strong and in a good position at the moment it may just cement your beliefs xx

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I'm sorry you experienced all that horrible abuse at the hands of that sadistic man. I'm proud of you for getting out and for learning to value yourself. It is a long road, just take it one day at a time.

 

I can relate, my father used to threaten to kill us (mother, me, siblings).

 

Hey 1MoreChance,

 

You have really been supportive over the last week,

 

And you know as well as anyone what my state of mind was like even just a few days ago, I was still desperate for his approval.

 

I still thought it was only ME he had issues with, hated and felt the need to abuse.

 

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles as a child. That must have been terrifying.

 

It just makes you question the world with all these people around. You just don't believe monsters exist- but they do.

 

I have been seeing a Uk renowned therapist trained by Paul McKenna. He is also a body language expert and works for many different things including tv pschology. He told me that we like to think everyone has a bit of good inside them, even the bad. As good people we cannot accept the fact that someone can be 100% evil. The unfortunate truth is they can be.

 

He told me that this is often why victims of abuse can struggle to get closure and remain trapped in a cycle. It is because they try so hard to appeal to this good side. To find that glimmer of compassion. Sometimes it is just not there. And with pathological personalities it never will be.

 

Thanks for all your supprot xx

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WOOT!

 

Lesson learned! You are a damn good writer and have a lot of insight.

 

You certainly deserve better and you understand that.

 

Best of luck in the future!

 

Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to read this extremely long thread!

 

To be honest I am surprised anyone did!

 

Well done everyone for wading through that text!

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I may have mentioned it on here before, but the level of brainwashing in mental/emotional abuse cases is astounding. Upon rekindling talks with my ex after the first split he said to me, "I am so sorry, I knew I was hurting you but I just didn't know I was hurting you THAT bad."

 

It took me a couple more years to finally understand what this meant which was, "All of the mind games I played with you were intentional and I wanted to hurt your feelings and keep you from feeling good about yourself. My only mistake was pushing you so far that you got rid of me."

 

When I finally realized this truth, it made me puke, literally. I let go so fast it was almost projectile.

 

Hey ready2heal,

 

I follow a lot of your posts and find your insight very balanced and informative.

 

I think you have made a really good point here that needs reiterating so if there is anyone out there in this position they truly take in the REALITY of their situation.

 

I AGREE THAT EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE IS QUITE POSSIBLY WORSE THAN THE PHYSICAL.

 

THE BRAINWASHING CHANGES YOUR ENTIRE PERCEPTIONS OF THE WORLD AND REALITY. AS A VICTIM OF ABUSE YOU HAVE NO PERCEPTION OF WHAT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON AND YOUR WORLD IS RIFE WITH DOUBT AND CONFUSION.

 

This quote in your post held so true to things that were said to me:

 

"I am so sorry, I knew I was hurting you but I just didn't know I was hurting you THAT bad."

 

 

My ex once discussed with me for an hour and a half, in a very calm manner (rare for him) how he dumped me because he was so repulsed by my weight and could not have sex with me. He made the argument so convincing. He told me of how he would look over at me when we were shopping in the supermarket and think 'god she is so fat, I cannot believe I am with that.........I am out of her league'. Yes a hitting 40 years old, bald man with no home, stability and really much going for him told a 25year old good looking blonde he was out of her league. Looking back on it it was laughable.

 

After he had discussed this at length for the hour and a half he said. I feel guilty telling you this because now you will have problems when it comes to meeting new men. He said don't worry that all men will find you fat and repulsive. I really don't want you to develop issues from this. Or have low confidence, it is just the truth of how I felt. Now because he said it in a calm way, like we were communicating about what went wrong with the relationship I took it as being genuine. But this was callousness on the greatest level. It was not done with anger, but cool intent. He had blatently laid out that what he said may have repercussions on my self esteem. He even said that it could become and issue for me.

 

ABUSERS KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

 

Just look at this example and ready2heals.

 

I ignored these messages and wish I hadn't. I wish I had figured all this out when I was told about it. i guess sometimes you have to learn for yourself. I am really hoping I can reach out and let others in this situation know:

 

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT ANYTHING THAT YOUR ABUSER TELLS YOU. THEY ARE SICK AND NEED TO CONTROL YOU TO GAIN THE CONTROL THEY CANNOT HAVE OVER THEIR OWN LIVES. THEY ARE MESSED UP AND IN NEED, BUT NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR THEM THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING.

 

Another point on this subject is have you ever noticed how your abuser can be civil to others? How they can be charming and pleasant? They have control over this anger and abuse. They can control it around others, so therfore they can control it around you- THEY JUST CHOOSE NOT TO!

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Hey again seymore,

 

I would like to expand on this issue also.

 

My ex has also admitted he knew what things to say to dent my self esteem. When he has brief moments of remorse, although please note with abusers it is not true remorse it is implied so they can continue to abuse, they have to give a little now and again to keep you there, he would say that he didn't ever mean the things that were said. He said he would just say whatever he could to hurt me because he was angry. He said he knew the things that stung because he knew me, and so he used them against me.

 

I also want to point out that sometimes abusers throw out there far more abusive comments than we take on board. For example my ex told me he had got promoted to deputy head of the school he works at. Well I was so happy for him, as I would be anyone who gets a promotion. I am a genuine and caring person and no matter what they do to me I have no hate or bitterness, I just have compassion. So I was over the moon for him and told him so daily (at the time we were in contact). Well after a few days he admitted he had not got a promotion, he had just said it to make me jealous. I asked him why would I be jealous of him getting a promotion, I just couldn't understand the psychology behind it. He explained he thought I would be jealous because I would think I was missing out on more money etc and he was doing well in life and I wasn't. I told him that I am not that kind of a person but it really made me think. Only the issues that we see ourselves as having can be open to hurt from the abuser.

 

I see myself as ugly and fat, despite knowing I am not. Working in fashion there is a lot of pressure and you are fed images everyday that do not reflect the average woman. My weakness was feeling physically insecure. Thats why these comments stuck to me. I didn't notice the dig of his promotion because I am not interested in having a man for success and money, just for love.

 

PS a few weeks later he was actually demoted!

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fiffy, wow look what you have been through in the last few days..

 

I am so proud of you to have come through the other side..

 

I will be on msn, tonight. x

 

 

Hey sweetie,

 

I was going to tell you personally but you beat me to it by finding this thread.

 

I just thought it was my priority to tell and try and help others first before indulging myself.

 

I just cannot believe how this one thing has changed evrything.

 

The last few days I have actually felt liek me again. I feel alive and happy and energetic.

 

I just needed conformation and to see it was not my fault!

 

Speak soon xx

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I tend to think of it as a parasitic relationship with me being the host. As long as I had any self-esteem for my ex to feed off of he had no reason to look elsewhere but as soon as I'd been bled dry so to speak his eyes began to wander for the next victim.

 

I could not summerise these types of abusive relationships better. This quote is gold.

 

I was happy and confident when I met my ex. I had friends, parties a social life, he finally drained me to the point I didn't exist then left me literally for dead.

 

Losing my cousin a few years back who was just 20, and very close to me put life into perspective. He had always lived for the day, been happy and truly enjoyed life. Even though his life was short it was full, and I am sure he had no regrets. From that day forward my life was as full and happy as his, because I did not want to lose a precious moment.

 

So to have become a suicidal wreck has brought on great guilt for me and amazement at how it could happen.

 

You are bled dry and become worthless. Once you are devalued there is no regaining value in that persons eyes.

 

This particular type of behaviour is so true to narcissists.

 

If anyone would like any info on narcissists, and recovery from abuse please contact me.

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Well done Fiffy, I'm very proud of you. I knew you'd get there in the end

 

Hey Philove,

 

I was going to message you personally since you have been my rock.

 

I am truly grateful for all your support and for being there all day every day.

 

I am still in amazement at the magnitude of change these last few days.

 

I really feel like I am on the road to recovery. I am sure I will have my bad days but at the moment things could not get better x

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I have been abused very badly by my ex husband over a period of 8 years and counting. When you say that they know what they are doing, you are dead on target. Unfortunately, it takes experience of being abused to figure it out. I was cheated on over and over and over again and he always denied it, but I just knew. He has ruined my life. I did something horrible. I tried to take my own life. I took nearly 40 different pills for depression and anxiety in an attempt to end my miserable life. My mother found me in my home in a dead sleep and in a puddle of blood from my nose. She called an ambulance and I do not remember any of it. She found me nude and I last recall having clothes on. My memory starts at the psychiatric ward, basically. Unfortunately, my stay did not help me. I was too far gone. The worst of this story is that I have kids with this man. After my "suicide attempt", he took me to court for an emergency custody hearing and took my children away. (My children were with him on visitation when I took the pills) Now, my life is getting much worse. I am losing everything I have. I acted out by having a one-night-stand with another man and I have been very ill since two weeks after having sex with him. I was intoxicated because my children weren't with me and I was overflowing with anger, hurt, and confusion. I had not been with a man in so long, I acted on impulse. This guy knew I had been abused. He was an abuser as well. I told him I would not have unprotected sex with him, so he went out and bought condoms. He manipulated me into letting him take it off. After several minutes, he could not stay aroused and begged me to let him "just rub it on me." When I asked him if he was sure I had nothing to worry about, he said "You are freaking ME out. Stop thinking so negative. I am fine." I will not be getting better from this point on. I have been lied to one too many times in this lifetime. I wish I would have become a nun. That is the way the world is headed in my opinion. I am too weak now. I can't face life the way I once did. I have lived a lifetime of abuse. I am a loving, sweet, honest person. My children are angels. This man is now in control of them. I really have no conclusion to my story because it is far from over. I apologize for being negative. I have fought my way into a corner and I don't believe I will be getting out. Many people have tried to help me, but it hasn't worked. If I can also help one person, I have done my job. Thanks for listening.

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My ex has also admitted he knew what things to say to dent my self esteem. When he has brief moments of remorse, although please note with abusers it is not true remorse it is implied so they can continue to abuse, they have to give a little now and again to keep you there, he would say that he didn't ever mean the things that were said. He said he would just say whatever he could to hurt me because he was angry. He said he knew the things that stung because he knew me, and so he used them against me.

 

Exactly. They just keep you hanging on (now I have that song stuck in my head). It's like they keep picking at a scab until it bleeds, put neosporin on it, wait for it to heal a bit, then start picking at it again. JUST enough to keep you hanging there.

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Fify... What you have posted here I knew in my heart of hearts about that guy. Pure hate...pure control. Pure manipulation. You are a gorgeous piece of 25 yo woman and never let any man ever talk to you that way again. He should have been counting his lucky stars to have you.

Hearing your realisation has uplifted me and given me hope that it wont be long before alot of good things will come your way.

I feel very proud of your post here to help others because you are standing up in this world afree woman once again and an example for the awareness of the mind control techniques used by people to make us doubt ourselves. They attack our self esteem in their self righteousness but we are the ones who just have to walk away. You see my friend..the manipulators are not only in personal relationships but could be a jealous friend or work friend. I think this is one of the most insightful threads since I have come here. Thank you for posting it because it means so much with real lessons to be learnt from passers by. Good stuff .

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Darkheaven,

 

I could have wrote this post a few months ago. Believe me I know what a dark place you are in.

 

Please don't be even harder on yourself than you need to be. It is difficult to be positive after coming out of an abusive relationship because everything you know has been an enforced situation. You ex has made you dependant on him and in a sense addicted to him. Despite knowing they are bad for us and they are hurting us it is very hard to break the bond from the abuser.

 

I thought it would never get better. I have had a couple of attempted suicides but because I have had to move back home from all this I am kept under a watchful eye.

 

There is a light, but you will have to ride out this dark period.

 

This site is an excellent place for support and comfort. There is always someone here for you. And because everyone is a different stages of healing there is always someone with the knowledge and support coming out of their despair to help you along.

 

When I first arrived here there were people who had recovered from narcissistic abuse who guided me through to this point where I am now healing.

 

For me personally it took seeing that he would abuse anyone to snap me out of the despair. I think I was stuck in a rut of self loathing and hatred caused by the verbal aspects of his abuse.

 

Part of me worries that this is just a brief moment of euphoria before I sink back to the despair I was in up until a week ago. But then I know and can sense a massive change.

 

For me to completely change the e-mail I have had for 13 years really marks this. I am determined to beat this and so will you one day.

 

It is totally possible for you to regain your life. Firstly I would not worry about your encounter with that man. Yes we need to be aware of STDs and precaution is paramount. However I think you will be fine. It was one time and by the sounds of it no penatration unprotcted. I would go and get tested to put your mind at ease then you can forget about that incident, and have one less thing to worry about. It is also worth pointing out that when we are depressed a common symptom is to worry about terminal illness and disease.

 

Because mentally we are falling apart we drain our bodies and feel physically depleted. We use all our energy worrying and thinking and our bodies react. This in turn puts more stress on us, and we convince ourselves we are physically ill. I know I did this. I was convinced I had cancer of every sort. I don't know where these irrational fears come from but fear of physical illness and believing we have major illness is a massive symptom of depression.

 

It is totally possible for you to regain custody of your children and regain your life. It is often the most loving and giving people who end up in abusive situations, because they are the most forgiving and they are the people who always try to see the good in others and try so hard to make it work.

 

You need to start by secretly compiling evidence of abuse. Save e-mails, letters, and record phone calls. If the abuse has now stopped since you have split I would recommend speaking to a domestic abuse hotline. They will put you in touch with your local authorities who have specialist councellors who are used to dealing with these situations.

 

I was convinced I could not speak up about my ex because he is so charming and manipulative no one would ever believe me. Plus as he is in a position of responsibility as a teacher I thought they would see me as the liar. These support groups are so used to the deception and tricks abusers use they will be on your side 100% and show you he is in the wrong. These people can help you with everything from accommodation to rebuilding yourself mentally to regaining custody of your children. I cannot stress enough the importance of these services. Do not be put off by the main hotlines the local services are very understanding and supportive. Where are you based? in the UK?

 

I would also just take time to look after yourself. You need to worry about you first. Even before your children. It will not help them if you just worry about them but do not take control of your life. However it will help them if you take the necessary steps to take control of yourself and your life and make a safe and stable environment for them to return. It is going to take time, it will not be overnight and it will take all the strength you have, but that fire is still burning inside you. It may be embers at the moment but it can burn again.

 

You also need to remove the guilt from your attempted suicide. You were in no way selfish for trying to end your life. You were just in a lonely desperate place and you could not see a way out. Your pain was more than you could cope with.

 

This is so normal in abuse situations. You hve no sense of personal identity because for 8 years that has been controlled and manipulated. When that person leaves you don't know who you are anymore. You are mourning the loss of yourself as well as the loss of your partner.

 

So start by being kind and focus on you. Start slow and it will soon snowball.

 

Make plans for you life, what you want to do where you want to live, what you enjoy, what hobbies you have.

 

Start indulging these hobbies, joining a support group will open you up to friendships and soon your life will begin to take shape. Volunteer at a domestic abuse help service or the samaritans. Not only will you gain insight and support but this act will work in your favour when you come to regain custody.

 

The more you can show you have changed, learnt and grown from a period of depression that developed from the end of this abusive relationship the more chance you have of proving to the courts you are more than fit to have full custody of your children. It will also show them just how strong you are to make those changes. They will be so proud of you and you will set them a great example of personal stregth. Plus hobbies that you take up in that time can be shared with your children when you regain full custody and make their lives fuller and more fun.

 

You have to find your fight now. You have to prove yourself to your children, for their wellbeing and future happiness. You are going to have days when you want to give up but just keep on going.

 

If I can help you in anyway or help set up a plan of action please do not hesitate to contact me. We will get you through this xx

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The funnest part for him was calling me a "psychopath" every time he made me loose my mind.

 

Sweetheart you have no idea how common this is. My ex convinced me I was stalking him. I truly believed it. I would only call him once every four to five weeks in response to e-mails he would send then I was the stalker not leaving him alone.

 

To this day I am the crazy sick woman who ruined his relationship with the love of his life. Little does he know the love of his life spoke to me about her abuse!

 

This act is projection. Abusers project what they are themselves and fear of themselves to rid themselves of the bad feelings, and the guilt.

 

You can read about projections on the net if you look it up as I am sure my explanation is not very clear but basically they try and rid their inner most fears of themselves by putting it on you.

 

For example my ex is afraid his parents are disappointed in him. They are very cruel and say demeaning things about their other children and their inadequecies in front of him. I lived with his parents and saw this everyday and was, to be honest, disgusted. But he has a fear of their disapproval and disappointment.

 

In many arguements he has said to me 'your parents must hate you, they must be so disappointed in what a bitter, horrible person you are. You must be a failure in their eyes'. I know I am no ta failure in my parents eyes. This is his fear and he tried to give it to me to relieve himself.

 

This is just the same when our exs call us crazy and psychos, they are trying to lumber us with the tag because they cannot face the fact of what they really are. They are also deflecting the attention of being a psychopath and mentally instable from themselves.

 

It is all part of them desperately trying to hide who they are. As we have all agreed in this thread abusers know exactly what they are doing. They are also aware of how wrong and destructive it is. But they cannot face up to it. They are in a state of pure denial.

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Thanks topbloke for your lovely response to this thread.

 

You are right about how these people can infultrate any aspect of your life. They can be friends, family, work collegues, bosses, inlaws anyone. Sometimes you cannot cut them out of your life but armed with knowledge of their character you can at least have the confience to handle any situation they throw at you.

 

One of the best books I have read on the subject was called stalking the soul. I think this book would be especially good for dark heaven. It also has a section on manipulation in the work place but overall this text is just so insightful and picks up on all the subtleties of verbal and emotional abuse it is one of the best reads out there on this subject. It lets you kno wyou are not crazy and just exactly what is going on with a look at the psychology of the abuser.

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