I don't know how much more I can take...

All I can do is post useless messages when I feel my lowest. Although I appreciate whatever responses I get I just don't have people who care enough around me. I am so sick of everyone and everything. I honestly feel like smashing my head against something but I have to keep telling myself in my head it wouldn't change anything and plus my annoying housemates would wonder what I'm doing.. not that they'd care once they knew. Or I find myself wishing I could puke just to have something happening to my body to make me forget what's troubling my mind. Or slicing my leg or starving so my family doctor can forget that I act like a depressed manic when I see him and concentrate on that.

Every little bad thing that's happening to me is like a huge blow lately. I don't know if I should call a crisis number; I have one but I'm not to the point of tears right now I just feel so much emptier than I remember in a long time and all I want to do is fall asleep but I'm not tired. I barely slept last night; ever since counselling I can't because I realized while describing myself I'm so much more of a mess than I thought. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. Really, I just want to check in somewhere and take time off from the world, why can't that be done? I hate waiting for counselling once a week, I want someone to talk to me everyday. I want someone to talk to me now. I'm sure the more I say the less you'll like me but please try.

Im listenning. It sounded worse than you are then it cant be worse. Also you have all of us here to talk to ...you arent alone. You know my wife is going throught it so talk away I try my best to help.

hey there, I'm here to talk. I know how difficult and painful it must be to feel like you have no one to talk to. I imagine you must feel alone and scared like nothing can get better. I know you want to run away or numb yourself. I am glad that you haven't. that is good. Depression is horrifc and painful. I know how depression feels. but I can never step in your shoes.

I admire that you are getting help. It shows strength to seek out for support. Things can get better. I know how it feels to feel like there's no one around...but things can get better if you want them to. Life can be full of surprises, and especially pain, but you can open yourself up to it.

I am here to talk if you want to. keep fighting.

Thanks guys, I needed to talk to someone so badly but my roommate dragged me out. I actually was able to forget about things for a bit and have some fun, but now I realize it was all pointless and the people I met didn't genuinely like me anyway. If anything it was a nice distraction.

Top bloke- I'm sorry about your wife and really hope she can get past it. You support her and in addition you're always willing to reply to my depressing posts. Thank you, really. My own parents hate hearing it. At first they refused to listen or believe me, and then they insisted that I be honest about my feelings, and now it upsets and confuses them so I decided not to share so much with them anymore, but I have to share with someone.

Anyway I'm sort of tired and hoping I can sleep tonight, I don't think it's good that I didn't sleep last night, and plus I danced tonight lol so hopefully that does it. Thanks for listening though and hopefully I can talk to you guys more tomorrow.

And to answer your question in my other thread, I don't really have many hobbies that distract me. I used to love reading and writing but reading's impossible for me within recent years. I try to write sometimes, not as often as before but lately I've tried. I usually don't finish what I start though. Other than that I just watch tv and movies and spend lots of time on the computer. I'm not good at sports or anything that requires teamwork I get too nervous.

You arent any burden. I am sure it gets frustrating when others dont understand but yes I do have a good idea and im not the type to ignore this. I find it helps alot to just takes her shopping.or get her in the garden.MAybe it can help you to. If you like to read get a great book and read it. The biggest initial help is to distract your mind to focus on other things. You then start to realise that the volley of negative thoughts are a nuisance and not real. You will be able to push thise thoughts aside. You know theyre really just not real but the importance given to them is what causes the problem.. A good book..some comedy...dancing etc all give your mind a break. Has anyone prescribed avanza for you? It is a mild anti depressant which helped my wife alot. I think you are being mucked around too much and i refuse to sit here and keep away. Get to a doctor and mention avanza...it is a good drug.

I am already taking an antidepressant, my doctor keeps telling me it's one of the best and it did work for me for a long time for the most part. Also I don't just have a bad case of the blahs, I have a lot of things whirling around in my mind that I can't seem to forget. Just crappy circumstances and bad experiences. Plus I feel my social awkwardness creeping back from the past and I'm just bored and tired and disappointed in everything. I try to read but I can't even focus on my school readings let alone leisurely reading.

It helps when my mom takes me shopping, but only temporarily. Having new clothes is nice for awhile but when they're not new anymore I'm back to being the same person. I just really feel like quitting. I know it's not what I want but I'm scared I'll do something stupid. I just feel like abusing my body to take the focus off my mind if that even makes sense, I'm sure it doesn't but I hope you know what I mean. It's definitely twisted but I keep wondering if I should stop eating just for the heck of it or make crystal meth or something ridiculous. I know these are stupid things, I know it all too well. I used to have it all so together but now I don't even care what's right or wrong.

Its not ridiculous at all. This problem tends to happen to highly intelligent women who are more than likely drop dead gorgeous too. It seems that the fact is you must face is that the world is not a perfect place but still good. I am not perfect..none of us are and its ok to make mistakes some times. We have to realise that we really have it all by just being alive. You dont want to hurt yourself because you know you are a good person. You wouldnt hurt good people so dont hurt yourself. Embrace your illness and understand it. It is the only way to live in harmony with this experience.

I agree with top bloke. Understand that you are not alone. Reframing life with both positives and negative. I too experience severe depression. When I get down I try to think of all the positives. I know it's not always possible when you are feeling depressed, but keep a journal of the things in life you appreciate-and go back to times of stress.

Also, you are doing a great thing by getting yourself out, even though it feels fake and just a distraction. That shows great strength. Many cannot even get that far, so you are taking a positive and most impt. step. I t sounds like you are self-aware and that is a good key in getting better.

Also, you said that when you wnet out with your friend, it didn't matter. You had fun but that the other girls didn't like you. Do you know that for sure? Like you, I tend to think this way and oftentimes it is not true. These are the false stories we make up in our minds b/c of our depression. You had fun, and hold onto that. Keep going out, who knows, maybe you will come to see that those storie are false.

and not everyone is going to like us. But there are those who do. I use to say I had no one in my life and recently I was surprised when my friends did come through and support me. Although they live far away, they are by my side. I keep holding to this.

Life is full of pain and happiness. You just have to hold onto positive and ride through the negative. It's not easy by any means...lord I know a darn struggle...but it can change. Cognitive behavioral therapy might help. It helps to see the distorted thoughts we make in our head and help reframe them into more useful thoughts. It sounds like top bloke does this with his wife even if he doesn't know what that is.

keep posting, we're here for you. you have more strength than you realize or give yourself.

Thanks. I wasn't really clear though, I didn't mean to say my roommate and her friends don't like me lol, sorry for not being clear about that. I'm pretty sure they do. We went out to a club and I meant that I met some guys but I don't think they genuinely liked me for who I am. Maybe they did, I don't know but their interest in me didn't even seem to matter. I had fun with one, we did nothing but talk and joke around and for a few minutes I was able to forget my worries. I had a couple of shots because I caved in and told my friend later that the night was more fun than I thought. Her response was, "I'm sure it was, you had all the guys." It kind of annoyed me even though I don't think it was her intent to be rude. It just bugged me because it's not a competition and that wasn't really what I was referring to, I just kind of had fun when we were dancing in our own little circle. A couple of guys asked me to dance and I did for a few minutes, but like a freak each time I eventually said I was too tired and ran away.

I know that life is full of ups and downs. I fully believe that there are wonderful things out there. But it seems like none of that happens to me. I'm blessed with parents and a brother, good health, and the chance to study whatever I want, and I'm also spoiled like crazy but it's just not enough. I have no clue what I want to do with my life... all I ever want to do is write books but I need some other career. I can't concentrate at school and my marks are mediocre so that makes me unhappy. My friends don't have time for me and I only have a couple who I really think are true friends. I've had quite a few friends totally abandon me and to this day I have no idea why. Or I have friends that play hot and cold and it totally messes with my head but I'm too chicken to tell them off. On top of that I have family issues pent up from when I was a kid, a bad experience that started off as a hookup and ended up feeling like harassment, the feeling I've done nothing with my life, horrible years of elementary, social awkwardness, and someone once very important to me is no longer in my life and we don't keep in touch, and I'm insanely jealous of the upcoming child he's having. I'm such a weirdo I know. I'm trying to balance the good and the bad but I can't find much good. I can never meet great people in real life like you guys and others on enotalone, I attract people who like to play games or use me.

youre ok. Your friends just jealous because you are more attractive to guys.. Keep chatting..we are listenning im gonna do some lawns and be back soon to keep you some company..

Aw, thanks. It's weird, a couple of years ago although I got embarrassed easily I loved that attention, I just never admitted it. Now I don't even care. Someone came to where me and two of my friends were sitting and pulled me up to dance and I did even though I didn't care to, because he was nice enough to ask instead of sneaking up from behind and grabbing like some jerks do. After I sat down again my friends was like, "Ugh he wasn't even cute, why'd you say yes?" And normally I'd say because cute or not he was gutsy and considerate and so I'd at least give him a dance. This time it was more like I felt that I had to, because he was nice and he deserved for me to please him. Apparently it's good that I'm making myself go out and do things with friends but I feel disconnected from all of these friends and I feel like I'm doing it because that's what normal people my age do- they go out with other people and have fun, or act like it. And the strange thing is that I was putting on a huge act of having fun like I used to, and people totally bought it. But it made me feel more drained then ever upon getting home. I have to go out again tomorrow to a formal and I don't know how I'll bear it, I felt pressured into getting a ticket and it's for a spiritual group. It's been my main social outlet since first year even though half of the people are gossipy, two-faced, or just plain mean. There are a few genuinely good people though and I try to stick with them though. I'm no better anyway, the bad attitudes of gossip within the little community even rubs off on me sometimes I find. But I paid money and I have to spend the night with these people.

Just go to the group..it does you good to keep to keep going . I know you are putting on an act..and a very good one at that. My wife is the same. She is hard to pick. However i know when she is bad because her eyes show the despair. It is then that i try extra hard to chat to her to get her mind off it. I think I am correct though ..you are very good looking and highly intelligent like my wife. You see your strength is in the fact that you are intelligent,aware of the problem and are slowly getting a grip on it..you will eventually win. Just be aware that when you hit your periods each month that this is when it hits hardest so it helps to understand this. Your hormones are the cause at this time ...

now how lonely do you feel..Im still hanging around? Hehe

I don't know about intelligent, people gladly tell me I'm good-looking so I suppose they could be right but they'll never say I'm intelligent. I used to believe I was but I feel that the deeper I fall into this depression the more needy and immature I feel. Thank you though, it's nice of you to say.

And you're definitely right about the time of the month, my mom can always tell when mine is because I get so cranky. I feel like my problem is partially hormones/ a chemical imbalance and partly bottled up emotions about things I've been through that I never completely understood. All I can do is talk that stuff out every week and get a different perspective, until psychotherapy. Would you happen to know what that is?

my wife sees a psychiatrist. Once a month...they talk he gives the prescription...is that psychotherapy?

ahhh bottled up emotions are the main culprit for your problem..what is it that you suppressed? Do you want to say?

Oops sorry lol sometimes I try to do my work I never end up doing it though. Thanks so much though for talking to me though, I do appreciate it so much.

I've had a psychiatrist in the past, alongside a therapist. The psychiatrist was like a robot though and didn't care about me, he only monitored my medication. I had a psychologist before that and she was awful too. Right now I have a counsellor until I can do psychotherapy. I'll have to look into what that is.

I think I'd like to say... I have a fear of being found on the internet but lately that doesn't bother me, so maybe I'll give it a shot here. It's really just a lot of things that aren't connected to each other, one of the smaller ones being that I always feel so alone. I'm friends with the people I'm friends with only because I have no one else. I talk to people here but it's just not the same. I feel like people are putting up with me because they have to and I've been told by a few friends that I'm a great friend only to have them cut me out of their lives when I learned to lean on them for support. I know friendship is two-sided and I always try to be a good friend to everyone but no one has any time for me in real life. Instead of being the people I can go to for comfort they are just another burden now. This is just one thing, there's so much more.

If you think about it in a sense I am a friend... I just want to help you out here so you can get through it better. It doesnt matter who i am but that it helps. If you get better then you can maybe think of me ..a crazy son of a gun that gave you his time at one stage..

Of course! I'm so glad you take the time to talk to me when you could be doing so many other things. Your wife is going through something so similar to me and you continue to talk to me when you could be having more cheerful conversations on your own time, I can't even put into words how much of a help you are. I just meant that none of the people that surround me on a daily basis get it, and although it's supposedely a good thing that I get out there with them, they just put a downer on my mood. Speaking of that, I agreed to spend the night at someone's house. Two other girls and I are supposed to have a girly sleepover and do hair and nails and watch a lot of movies. It would be mean to back out so I'll give it a shot, I just hope I can feel like one of them just for tonight so I won't feel an urge to go online instead, since I won't be able to. And hopefully we don't watch anything too depressing. Thanks though, and hopefully talk to you tomorrow. Good night!

Take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Your anxious and over thinking which I know is all too easy for us to do.

You are not alone you have all of us to start with on ENA and I know it seems hopeless at the moment and you feel like you've hit the bottom but you will recover from this you just need to calm yourself.

Life is hard I know and at times it can almost overwhelm when we sit and analyze our lives. It can lead to questions of our achievements or rather the ones we have yet to and we are our harshest critics.

You will get through this time and will come out stronger for it. Maybe talk to the doctor about anxiety too not just the depression as he might be able to help you with that if not already.

My thoughts are with you

Tina xx

Good night. It is 2pm here. I have takeN my wife dress shopping while holding this conversation with you. Sometimes its good just to have someone listen to you so I am glad i did. Try and enjoy your night and it seems that ill be here if you get stuckk...cheers

Tb

Hey ..moondancer..how are you going? I just woke up having breakfast and wanted to see how your travelling?

Hi! I'm doing a bit better actually, the sleepover wasn't so bad and I went to a formal so I was surrounded by people all the time and didn't bring my laptop. It was annoying when one of my friends told me to dance when I wasn't up for it but I made myself, it wasn't really that bad. I can't go out so much anymore though because I have to try to focus on schoolwork no matter how hard it is to concentrate. It's overwhelming to think about but I'm sure I can cope, I'm trying to be really positive. Sometimes when I make myself do things I either exhaust myself or I trick myself, so I'm trying to be positive and hope I can believe what I say I am. How are you?

I am doing ok. It is Sunday 746 pm. I am glad that you went out and had what seems like a good night. It seems your mood is somewhat improved and this is good news to my ears.

I know it can get you down but you are starting to see that there are moments that you can get some control over the problem. You danced and thats great as you realised it wasnt as bad as you thought..see the problem cant bug you at times as opposed to when you started this thread when it looked like a dead end. You know why? Because you are already starting to get back more control over the problem and your life.Its a good thing and makes me happy for you.

I know it is not gone but I will sit here on this thread as long as it takes to help you through this tough time. My daughter is 16..she is also studying alot but she makes it look easy. Keep up the school work as this will open future carreer options for you as it will my little big girl....

I know your still fresh from the problem but here I am..whatever you wish to speak to me please do. I know it will take a little time and perhaps we can help others as we converse here out in the open..I am a gentleman and I am happy to talk to you here as you go through this issue.

I think you are really showing improvement so keep it up ..Is there anything else on your mind ..just say it..I am good for it ..