Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: !!

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    12

    Am I lost in Single Land Or found in life's wonder?

    I consider myself a creative person, over 45
    I'm not sure if love commitment makes sense to me.
    I see relationship and intimacy desirable but all women I've ever met want marriage and I don't trust it.

    Financially and emotionally I see that marriage can hurt me ..................
    1-Divorce usually is pro-woman
    2-Doubts of mine about marriage and love that leads to marriage always stifles love
    3-Love changes and people change.
    4-Being responsible for another person is heavy, scary, expensive on all levels in the long run.
    5-I am comfortable in my situation as is in a relationship with no legal commitment
    6-I'd like to have a child in theory before I die but I'm getting off easy now and like it.
    7-Children in America may help their parent in old age as a spouce may.....Its anyone's guess.
    8-We're born alone and die alone.
    9-I've seen illness break up marriage numerous times ... marriage vows are meaningess.
    10-Fear of being without a relationship keeps me in an imperfect relationship.... but then i'm so afraid of relationship failure that I won't allow a very deep one to evolve .. all women want marriage Now!
    11-Has anyone a solution for me? such as marriage to a forigner with a prenup and an unamerican attitude?
    12-I now can be inspired in my creative world, my time is my own, my money is my own, I'm able to feel relaxed.......I've found that the more committed a relationship the less quality time I have for these invaluable things... as my married friend said "she drags me all over the place between family, shopping and couple friends."
    13-Single may be a better choice?.......I'm puzzled........

    Any input will be appreciated...

    Thanks ](*,)
    Last edited by mannyOfHoboken; 03-03-2009 at 03:42 PM. Reason: Am I lost in Single Land Or found in life's wonder?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member top bloke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    50
    Posts
    2,449
    Gender
    Male
    My advice is take a walk on the wild side .

    You know that you are really living when you stop making a list of excuses why women and marriage can be so bad. Life was never meant to be smooth sailing and if you think about it what sort of life is that to not take a chance on someone. I would never replace the amazing experience of the women in my past and my darling wife today. Am I really poorer for it ? definitely not.I have a daughter 16 and son 12 that beam when I look at them ..I have discovered a dynamic mix of emotions .understanding and love that only a woman can bring to a man. I am saddened that your list is so long and youve avoided the wonderment a womans mind body and spirit can bring to a man..
    Your money when you die ..you cant take with you either. A car will never replace the warmth of a womans body ..never!!

    heres to you women of the world!!!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Shrine of Seven Stars
    Age
    55
    Posts
    6,497
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by mannyOfHoboken
    13-Single may be a better choice?.......I'm puzzled......
    What's to be puzzled about? Lucky #13 is your answer.

    If you're aiming toward being a decent human being, then this also needs to be stated up front, clearly...and probably repeatedly...to any person you may choose to become involved with. Something along the lines of "I do not want to get married." "I don't see myself getting married." "I'd prefer to remain single."

    That way, you've given them a valuable piece of information to make a good decision for themselves. If marriage is one of their relationship goals, then they need to decide if its worth their time to start/continue anything with you since you're not headed the same way. Be prepared for them to walk away (and no chasing after them) if they decide they'd rather spend their time looking for someone whose goals are a better match for their own.

    Rather than sit around making lists about what's not right about marriage and children, I suspect you'd be better served to accept that it's simply not what you want to do, be honest about it with anyone you may choose to date, and leave it at that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    3,348
    topbloke: don't forget that a woman's body is also a material thing. Much more pleasant than any automobile, agreed, but a source of sensual gratifacation just the same and you can't take them with you when you go either nor do you have to be married to enjoy them.

    m.o.h.: I'm over forty also and never believed in marriage. It seems that people are just so conditioned by our culture to believe it will make them whole that the idea of suggesting it is unecessary seems to always be categorically rejected.

    I just don't think humans were necessarily meant to have just one partner for life. And the institution of marriage certainly does not reflect that either. Sometimes it works out for some people that they find life long mates but in most cases that is not they way things work. I think it's good to have different experiences with different people throughout one's life. It adds depth and dimension to one's understanding of the world. I have had many different experiences with many different women in my life. Some great, some not as great but all of them to one extent or the other have combined to help shape me into who I am now. They are valued experiences and I wouldn't change any of it.

    Some people marry and have children out of fear of being alone, also. I believe that is a driving factor in many peoples decisions in this regard. I suppose it may be a valid one but not one I personally share. I am happy and content with myself both alone and with companionship. To people who say life is better when shared my reply is in some cases that is true and in some cases it is not. I think it's a matter of to what degree one is comfortable with one's self. If one can aquire the ability to enjoy one's own company, then that person is the most richly blessed of all. Anything outside of that is just extra.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member SayWhen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    1,033
    1-Divorce usually is pro-woman: If you were to get married, you could get a pre-nup to avoid getting screwed over in the divorce settlement.
    2-Doubts of mine about marriage and love that leads to marriage always stifles love: If you meet someone new and know that you may not want to get married or have children, talk to her about it right off the bat. Believe it or not, there are some women out there who feel the same way.
    3-Love changes and people change. If your relationship is healthy, then those changes will be supported by one's partner, and your love will continue to become more and more dynamic. Changes are not always easy to accept, but acceptance, patience and understanding are all virtues that can help marriages (and relationships) stay together when these changes occur (and they sure do...you are right about that). For some people, this is too much effort...but I think the emotional and personal rewards are great if you DO put in the effort.
    4-Being responsible for another person is heavy, scary, expensive on all levels in the long run.: Don't have children.
    5-I am comfortable in my situation as is in a relationship with no legal commitment: Find a partner who feels the same way. As I stated, not all women want to get married.
    6-I'd like to have a child in theory before I die but I'm getting off easy now and like it.: Then don't have kids! Not all women want kids...in fact, I am one of them. You are getting on in years anyway so you could probably find a late-life partner who feels the same way.
    7-Children in America may help their parent in old age as a spouse may.....Its anyone's guess.: Save for your retirement. Build your own nest egg. Truth is, you can never really depend on someone to be there. What if your partner died before you? What if your kids didn't have the money to support you? Don't rely on that...do it yourself and you won't have to question it.
    8-We're born alone and die alone.: We are born from our mothers who coddle us after birth, and generally die with caregivers surrounding us (if one were to make it to old age). Things come full-circle. I feel very sorry for the person who feels they are always alone. You will be alone in death (depending on what you believe)...so why not enjoy all of the company of others that life affords you while you can? Especially with a romantic partnership...that can be the most rewarding and fulfilling of all.
    9-I've seen illness break up marriage numerous times ... marriage vows are meaningless. To some, they are. That is not an excuse for shying away from a committed relationship, marriage or not. I would never break my vows in this way, for example. I don't believe my BF would either. True, you never know...but don't make excuses such as this...vows are meant to be followed, and sometimes, they are.
    10-Fear of being without a relationship keeps me in an imperfect relationship.... but then i'm so afraid of relationship failure that I won't allow a very deep one to evolve .. all women want marriage Now!: Not true. Find someone who doesn't plan to get married. I am not kidding...they are out there!!
    11-Has anyone a solution for me? such as marriage to a foreigner with a pre-nup and an un-American attitude? No...that sounds like you would hope to have control over her so she couldn't "screw you over." WRONG. Find someone who doesn't want to get married!
    12-I now can be inspired in my creative world, my time is my own, my money is my own, I'm able to feel relaxed.......I've found that the more committed a relationship the less quality time I have for these invaluable things... as my married friend said "she drags me all over the place between family, shopping and couple friends." Not all marriages are boring, desolate places devoid of love. Some people DO fall out of love and detest being married...but there are other marriages that work out and the couple enjoys all the challenges and rewards of being committed to one another. Your friend is an a$$ who talks so lowly of his wife without trying to make his marriage better. If all of his ranting and raving efforts went into his marriage, maybe things wouldn't be so bad! Also, if you enjoy being on your own...maybe relationships in general are not for you.
    13-Single may be a better choice?.......I'm puzzled........: I think you have answered your own question.

    Don't have kids. Consider being with a woman who does not want to get married. Rely on yourself but let others in...this life is the only chance you get for that. Don't be afraid of getting burned...I think you will be a lot less morose!

    Good luck.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    7,339
    Gender
    Female
    You should never do anything you don't wholeheartedly want to do and see the advantages of.

    It sounds like you just don't like being tied down, and have avoided marriage for 45 years, so why do it now? You can continue to date women and change your mind any time down the road if you meet one you love enough to change your mind about marriage.

    You obviously don't really see any advantages to yourself at this point, so why do it?

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    12
    Have you ever been married? I've never been married and am seeing a woman -not l-gal-
    from the islands, who wants to marry me. She is sweet but blind at night and on the edge finantially. I see finantial trouble in a marriage with her but a relationship is ok.
    Duhh............If I say I never want marriage, I'll never have any relationship.......as few people or a very limited number of people will admit that.........What do you think.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Shrine of Seven Stars
    Age
    55
    Posts
    6,497
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by mannyOfHoboken
    Have you ever been married? I've never been married and am seeing a woman -not l-gal-
    from the islands, who wants to marry me. She is sweet but blind at night and on the edge finantially. I see finantial trouble in a marriage with her but a relationship is ok.
    Duhh............If I say I never want marriage, I'll never have any relationship.......as few people or a very limited number of people will admit that.........What do you think.
    I'm currently married....but I didn't think marriage was a good idea for me until I got into my mid 30's.

    And there are several 40+ women on this site that I can think of who are currently single and want nothing to do with marriage. They're not the only ones...I'm sure such creatures exist other than on this board.

    As for the woman you are seeing, it's only fair to her to let her know in no uncertain terms that you do not want marriage. If she breaks up with you, so be it...but it really is horrible of you to lie to/mislead someone about something as important as relationship goals when you know what yours are.

    It doesn't matter if your criteria for a partner is "no marriage" or a specific race or religion or hobbies -- whatever it is that floats your boat is automatically going to limit the number of potential mates, period, end of sentence. That's the nature of dating/relationships -- it's an exclusionary process from the get-go. While stating up front that you don't want marriage may limit the number of potential partners, at least the ones who remain will be on the same page as you in that regard.

    Far better than lying to someone, letting them believe there might be a possibility for marriage OR by just not mentioning your relationship goals, and, essentially, wasting THEIR time because you wanted to be in a relationship.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    12
    Reply to sayWhen..........

    Wow. I really appreciate your willingness to consider all of what I put out. Most people that I know quickly condem anything that resembles staying single.
    I do not want to be single or married, I look at it as a question: Can I find a woman who attracts me, can love me, can share life with me, can earn a living, will not put too many demands on me.....(selfish I guess). My parents were immigrants, uneducated, my mom got depressed and I think died of complications related to her medication or shock treament.........now my brother is depressed and believe it or not opted for shock treatment........He has always hated me (something in our childhood where he hated us all occurred..........he tolirated me our entire life.....) His wife always seemed cold and now say she "wants to take herself out of the picture" during his crisis......but says she still loves him.......(they have 2 college age kids)

    This gives me cause to ask: as imperfect as my life is, the complications of a marriage seem more that I want to risk.......and I fear that it could put me over the edge.

    At the same time, I seek the perfect person and hope... It would take a miracle but they happen.

    Thanks
    Last edited by mannyOfHoboken; 03-03-2009 at 02:00 PM.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    12
    Reply to BeStrongBeHappy........

    ....Pier and familial subtle preassure I guess keeps me in conflict. The girl I'm seeing is Ill-egalll-and although patient, pushing for marriage. I see that once in marriage the pushing can become controlling for so many or all.

    I have guilt because my parents were European and there's a subtle message there, and all my relatives got married.....about 1/3 got divorsed.

    Thanks

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •