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Thread: What to do....

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2008

    What to do....

    So you have been in a marriage for 14 years, you drifted apart, got in a rut, and you both realize that now. But during that rut, you were at different levels on how you felt about your marriage. One believing it would always be there no matter what and one questioning if that is what they really want, without telling the other spouse this is how they feel. And at some point in this time, the one questioning the relationship forms a bond with someone else they met online, eventually emailing each other, then talking on the phone. They then realize that they are "in love with each other".
    Then it all comes out one day, you go through the roller coaster of emotions together about what all has happened for over 2 months then decide together to make it work.
    You communicate, realize why everything happened, apologize for your mistakes, and try and move on. You feel like you are over the past and you can work on the present.
    But then you realize the present isn't what it is supposed to be, or at least you think. Your spouse still has feelings for that other person and misses that other person. Just when you thought it was great. Just when you thought that other person was a memory. Things seemed great, lots of love, laughter, communication, but that feeling your spouse has for that other person is still there, 6 months later. And your spouse truly believes that was something special, a real connection.
    Then you realize your spouse can not say how much you mean to them. They tell you they love you a lot all of time, their actions show it, but they just can't say it.
    When you ask your spouse if they are thinking of other person less and getting more back for you, and they respond "a little" what does that say about the relationship at the present time?
    What do you do? What are you supposed to take from that? I know things are better than they had been, he is here, and he is showing you love, yet it seems some key elements of a relationship are missing when he still has that "connection" with somebody else.
    I sit back and think sometimes that it takes a while for a person to fall out of love with someone, so it will take a while for a person to fall back in love. But on the other hand, this is my life and I deserve to have someone be with me emotionally 100% right? Or am I just being too emotional about this? Do I need to step back and see that he is still here and we are trying to work this out? Or maybe some of both?
    And he says he just want me to be happy, but how can I really be happy when he still feels that way for her, but can't say he feels them for me? How can I possibly go on laughing with him, having fun with him, kissing him and having a sexual relationship with him when I know of his feelings for her/unsure feelings for me?

    Another question... something we just can't seem to get worked out. He is a very personal and private person, always has been, and that is just who he is. He always had a password on his computer and cell, but those were used for work purposes. Now he has passwords on his personal computer and cell phone (which I never see and it kills me) and he will not tell me what they are. I have to know those passwords. Not for any motive, just for a little more peace inside due to the fact that he would give them to me. The internet and the cell phone is how this "emotional affair" started, so it scares the hell out of me that he will not give me those passwords even though he knows what that means to me.
    Also, is it wrong of me to want to know more about her? Like her last name? Again, not for any reason or motive other than I want to know. Even though I also ask for this quite often, he will not tell me.
    Am I just an emotional wreck for worrying over these things or are these things I deserve to have/know?

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    First of all, I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation, and I believe that yes, you are an emotional wreck, and believe me, I have felt the sting of infidelity in my life more than once and have tried to forgive, so I know exactly what you are going through.

    YES, ABSOLUTELY - you do have a right to know what is going on. If your husband is TRULY sincere about wanting to stay together, he needs to be willing to prove that he is truly trustworthy. Sometimes that means giving up his right to privacy. Often times, it's not so much the affair that does the damage as it is the lack of trust from all the lying and the hiding - at least that's been my personal experience.

    Best of luck to you!!!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member karvala's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    There are two ways to look at this: what you're entitled to, in terms of what is reasonable behaviour from someone towards you, and what you want to achieve.

    In the former terms, of course you are entitled to know, and I entirely understand why you want to know. You describe your husband's affair, and your subsequent reconciliation, in strikingly neutral terms. Let's be clear: he was the one who behaved in a way incompatible with a loving marriage, he was the one who behaved in an untrustworthy manner, and he is the one that needs to go to those extra lengths to prove that such things are in past. Quite frankly, in my view he is not entitled to withold any information about the affair if he wants to continue the relationship with you; you have a full right to ask who your husband was having an emotional affair with, and if he wants to move on from the past, he must first own up to it, and acknowledge how much it hurt you, and do his best to alleviate your pain on your terms, not his.

    In the latter way of looking at this, however, you have to consider what you want to achieve, and what the best way to achieve it might be. If you really want answers, and can't live without them, then you must certainly push him into providing them, and you must be prepared to actually leave him if he continues to refuse. If, however, you are not ready to leave him if need be, or if you are less than 100% sure that he will choose staying with you and telling you over letting you go and retaining his secrecy/privacy, then you may have to let it go, realise that he is with you now, and wait for him to fully return to you, or for your pain and curiosity to subside over time. It all depends on what you are willing to tolerate, what you are willing to do, and what you want the final outcome to be.

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