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Thread: advice needed ASAP for a Taboo love story...

  1. #1
    Member princessSHS364's Avatar
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    advice needed ASAP for a Taboo love story...

    i need some advice. its on a very sensitive and taboo subject so please, dont judge and keep an open mind. feedback and opinions are not only appreciated but desperatley needed.

    I am in love with a man who i have been involved with for almost a year. to tell you about the whole story would involve more characters then i think this online account would allow.(if interested on details then ask) Just trust me when i say that were perfect together. "like a glove" as he'd put it. we have our own lil regemin. we work together, we have set dates for breakfast and "rendezvousing" as we call it. we spend nights together occasionally. and i'm crazy about the guy. He makes me a better person, and i'm "the blessing in his life" as he'd say. Hes help me grow up and do things that nobody else would support me in. for instance: i knew one day i wanted to be a medic. but everyone doubted me. he pushed me and a few heart to hearts later i'm proud to say i am in medic school. and doing extremely well. we work together in EMS. and hang out for hours after we get off shift. I'm a person with little confidence and he definatly is my hero, and points me in the right direction. hes that person whos walking behind me every step of the way saying "you can do it" when everyone else says i cant.

    Now heres the Major malfunctions in this "friendship": i'm 19. you never would have known that if i hadnt told you, most the time i'm taken for a 23-26 year old. i'm very mature for my age, to say the least. and i've been through more in life then most people who are 15 years older then i. Now ready for the shocker? hes 43....married...with kids....dont judge and please listen...

    i knew, he was open and told me this in the beginning. but i got involved anyways. but not right away. it was friends and just holding and kissing for the first 3 months. hes assured me and pretty much proved theres no relationship with his wife. hes been with other women (her unknowingly) for the past 5+ years. and if it wasnt for the kids he'd of left a long time ago. and i understand this, i would never want anything to ruin his relationship with his kids. but now i'm lost and this is what i dont get...hes with me the majority of the time. hes a workaholic. and our schedules coincide with eachother so we work the same shifts together. its pretty much how me met/got this whole thing started. and on the days we dont work together i'll go and visit him @ work. so pretty much not a day goes by were not together...and not a minuet passes i dont think of him.

    My problem: what do i do? he told me in the beginning it was a dead end st. that he wasnt leaving his kids. yet he contradicts himself all the time. saying he wishes i was all his. yet he cant give me what he whats to or what i deserve. he told me once that "were not an item" "were not together, because i cant be due to my situation" and yet he's with me all the time. he tells me to move on. but if i start dating someone else he gets extremely jealous. and throws out jabs that make me go back to him. i love the man. i truly do. and he tells me that he cant imagine me not in his life, and that when we do stop this "thing" we have, that hes not going anywhere he wants to be in my life and always wants to be there for me, and hopes that i'll still confide in him the way i do now...he doesnt say he loves me...but has said that "i'm the easiest person to love and adore" that i'm "precious" and "a blessing"...and when i asked him if he loved me he smiled and holding his arms said "this much".

    i dont know how to handle this. its been almost a year. and what kills me is not knowing whats to come. i dont want to play the game of "the other woman" forever. and its a lose/lose situation if the wife does find out cuz she'd take the kids and he'd go back to his home state. but at the same time remaining the way we are i cant really have him the way i want. i need some serious advice. there is so much omitted from this passage...just know that the way he acts and the things he risks just to see me shows how much he cares.
    right now i havent talked to him in 2 days...and thats because i told him exactly "please, leave me alone for awhile. i need some time to think"....i'm hurting. big time. and i dont know why. i'm trying to put some distance between us for my own good but its killing me. i even swapped shifts at work for the week so i wount have to see him...and that was the hardest thing. i dont know what to do. or where to go...please friends...some input, opinions and advice. and asap. because i miss having him in my live so so so so much.

    -MAH

  2. 02-22-2009, 07:31 AM
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  3. #2
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    I have to echo what not alone said above. Except for the mentoring part.

    What this older married man is telling you needs to be realized on your own. You should not need him to tell you these things. Just have faith in yourself. Easier said than done. I know...but don't depend on him to make you think you can do something.

    I won't judge your situation, been there myself years ago...it sucks.
    The bottom line is that you know what you need to do. It's just a matter of doing it. Yes, he's risking alot to be with you, but he has done this b4 over the last 5 yrs as you had mentioned. As mean as it sounds, your relationship isn't any different from the ones he's had in the past. He hasn't left his Wife in either relationship.
    With him cheating on his Wife over the last 5 yrs...that doesn't say much about his character.

    When you try to move on and see other ppl...let him get jealous and take cheap shots. He's the one who hasn't done anything to be with you. (I'm not in favor of breaking up a marriage) but if someone is going to cheat repeatedly, they might as well be fair to their spouse and end the marriage so they can do these things without hurting anyone.

    What is comes down to is that, you can stay and be the other woman. He will either end things or his Wife will find out. They usually do in these situations.
    By staying, you are helping him cheat and lie. Not just on his Wife, but he is cheating on and lying to his kids as well. They can't mean that much to him if he's done this for 5 yrs.
    So, he's not just staying for the kids. You need to realize that.

    Other option is to end things. Heal from this and eventually move on to something/someone better. With someone who is available. Don't you want a b/f you can atleast walk down the street with?
    If you two can love freely...then it's not love.

  4. #3
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Unfortunately there are some mentors who take advantage of their young female "protegés" and figure that in addtition to career lessons they should give them lots of bedroom lessons. He is taking advantage of your youth and naiveté and willingness to perform and impress him. This is a bad situation and wrong on all levels and you clearly know it. It doesn't matter what kind of job you do and how high powered you are if you don't have morals and integrity. He is cheating on his wife and you are stealing another woman's husband for brief moments of pleasure. So whatever great things you may end up doing with your education and career, the bottom line is that you are a woman capable of disrespecting the relationship of others and not caring. So you go into a line of work which helps physical suffering but yet you do something which contributes to someone else's emotional suffering..without batting an eyelash. End this relationship because it will go nowhere. He is feeding you all kinds of sweet talk to keep you as a sex partner. In essense you are like a prostitute, instead of money he is giving your career pointers and in exchange you are giving him sex. How nice for him..he gets sex on the job without having to leave work and go to the red light district. This is a bad setup and one that will ultimately hurt you. I bet you already have quite the reputation because I am sure it is no secret at work that you Monica Lewinskying your way around work.

  5. 02-22-2009, 08:12 AM

  6. #4
    Member princessSHS364's Avatar
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    -thanks for your input-

    Wow. Thank you i think with each bit of advice i'm given i get a sort of reality slap. to answer your questions: my father and i have always had a rocky relationship. my parents are divorced. and well where my relationship with my father some what exists now...its never been stable ground. i feel like he's never been there for me. and My "friend" def. plays a sort of father figure when it comes to me doing right or wrong...but i dont see it as him filling a void in the department. trust me i've tried to chuck it up to that many times. it just doesnt fit. and i guess you'd have to honestly know me to see just how much of a 19 year old i'm not. and he was honest with me...i was in denial. i couldnt figure out how a married man would get away with never being home and always with another woman. but now the reality of it hits me and he indeed does go home...eventually...and have her still in his life. and thats what kinda started this whole fiasco of me second guessing...and now reaching out for help. thank you so much. its helped...and as much as i try to put myself on a power trip and convince myself that i dont need him and i'd be better off without him...i have hope. where really i shouldnt..yet i hold out. hes like a bad habit and i just dont know how to kick it.

  7. #5
    Member princessSHS364's Avatar
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    =thank you and comments.

    as stupid as it sounds..and to defend the case a bit...yes hes had other relationships. but in the sense of he had many other people to have relations with. he never "settled with one" like hes doing with me...his character is def. one not of the norm. and i think thats why we just click. we're both so similiar yet so different. it compliments well...hes proven pretty much do doesnt want to be there...hes just there for the kids and i completley and totally understand this...like i said i would never want anything to come between them. but by the same token i told him i'd go on, what i called, a "5 year plan"..which entailed working, and finnishing medic school and precepting as a medic here. and then working out the kinks with us...at first he was all for it and then he turned it into "i dont think i can make that"...its a harsh reality slap, that i have gotten myself involved where i shouldnt. but now feel settled. and think that one day it may be different. but i dont want to hold my hand on my ass forever to find out one day that it never will change...and to quote your "dont you want a boy friend you can at least walk down the stree with"..yes. i do. i wish i had somebody to run errands with me and go places with...but i cant help but think that we'd have that one day. if i was just patient enough. i know...sounds helpless. and thats pretty much how i feel.

  8. #6
    Member princessSHS364's Avatar
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    thank you and comments...

    you took it on a different side of the fence. yet thank you for your input. i will agree we have made a name because people at work have found out. we work in whats called "the valley" and everyone knows, or think they know, everything about everyone! and not to sound full of myself but i am a bit of a hot commodity here, and alot of jealous people have tried to intervene.
    as he puts it "shes married his not"...shows right there he may have a legal binding but other then that theres nothing there. i respect his relationship with is kids. i've heard about the relationship with her. its not a good one so i dont agree with how you'd view me with my lack of morals and disrespect for her. and i agree it is a bad set up..but i havent figured out yet how exactly to go about moving on...and its hard when you work together all the time...

  9. #7
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    >>what kills me is not knowing whats to come

    Sadly, what comes is nothing... this is a really familiar story that many young women learn the hard way when they date older married men.

    He's already told you what will happen, that he won't leave his wife, and it's a pattern he's done before. there are many married men who are perfectly happy with their family life with wife and kids, and supplement that with a hot young girl on the side for excitement and sexual variety. And most important, older married guys seek out young girls because the girls are naive enough to think they have a future with him, and they young girl will lavish all kinds of admiration on the older man and build his ego. His wife knows he has feet of clay, but your youth and inexperience means you don't recognize that what he is doing is really totally selfish. He's got it all, and if you push for more, eventually he'll just find another young girl to do this with.

    his wife may even know he does this and not particularly care. he doesn't want her to know of course because she doesn't want her face rubbed in it and will mostly likely be irritated wtih him, but he's been thru this several times and she doesn't leave, so she won't. and he's made it clear he won't leave her, and that in fact he doesn't even perceive you and he as a couple at all.

    one reason you see him all the time is because you work together. if you stopped working together and he didn't have such easy access to you and it became less convenient for him, he'd most likely find someone else who is more convenient for him.

    You have to look at what you're getting from him now, and recognize that this is it, all you'll get, and he has been very clear about that. he even sounds like he's trying to break away a bit, but misses the sex and attention. eventually if you stop being so much 'fun' becuase you get impatient with his married status, he'll just dump you and get someone else.

    So recognize there is no future in this for you. it's not going anywhere, he's not leaving his wife, he likes the sex and admiration, but is not offering you anything more. Sooner or later too he'll find another young girl, as he has done it before and will do it again. so you'll have wasted a lot of time and your heart, to only get dumped in the end. So recognize this for what it is... get some books on affairs with married men and educate yourself enough to realize what you have with him isn't so special, it's the same old pattern and manipulations that married guys use on single girls to get sex and attention. nothing special about that, though it feels that way to you, his motivation is different than yours. it's really simple, if he loved you he'd leave his wife. he just doesn't, so he stays with her.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    I am sure you were quite a hot commodity...like every young chick who is banging the higher ups...they all want a piece of your a**..but don't imagine that it is for your personality and intelligence...they all want to bed you since you have shown yourself to be eager and willing to be bedded. I am sure the talk about you is none to respectful...probably a lot of nudge nudge wink winks about the positions you and he might be trying out. How seriously do you think you will be taken on the job? You need a real dose of reality here.

  11. #9
    Platinum Member BeStrongBeHappy's Avatar
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    The other problem you have with 'hot commodity' thing is that if guys know you are willing to have an affair with a married guy, many will assume you are a morally loose woman and will be willing to have sex with them, regardless of whether they have girlfriends or not. They're just looking for some easy tail and will chase yours.

    You also can't be sure that he isn't bragging about you and talking about the sex you have with him behind your back to build his own ego and prove he's still a stud though he's middle aged. So it becomes like a bunch of dogs mobbing a female dog in heat, where they're all after a piece of the action.

    You don't want to be that girl! and you don't want your reputation totally ruined, that you're someone who succeeds by sleeping with the boss. No one will take you seriously. After you get your medic certification, it is probably best for you to move somewhere where you don't have a reputation as someone who sleeps around with the married bosses.

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    And as to your comment that he's been in relationships before, but "never settled with one, like he has with me", you are deluding yourself that you are somehow different and special to him.

    First, why would you believe him? He's a liar and a cheat-what makes you think he never settled with them? Oh, because he's with YOU now! That means he dumped and discarded the others. You'll be next.

    Plus, does it really make you feel good that you have won the prize, because he is still with you? This man is a scumbag-you know NOTHING of what goes on at his home, only what he tells you and you are so desperate to hold on to him that you would believe any tale he told you.

    His ego must be sky-high right now, scoring with a 19 year old? He must think he's really "got it". But he probably saw how easily he could impress and manipulate you into adoring him. Of course he's going to say positive things about your career and your ability to forge ahead. HE WANTS TO KEEP THE SEX GOING.

    Please wake up-there will be no happy ending here for you. Don't spend years and energy waiting for this man. He'll be on to the next one, STAT when HE decided he's done with you.

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