Shy men being afraid of intimacy & women!

sorry i originally posted this in the wrong place.

THIS MAY NOT APPLY TO ALL SHY MEN...

I know its considered being love shy for men but can you actually get so scared of being around a woman you find attractive (and want to be with romantically) that you feel like you are going to have a heart attack and/or pass out..like you are haviing an anxiety attack or break down?

I am asking bcuz lately i have been reading articles on men who not only can't talk to a girl they like, they almost become paralyzed in ther presense and get sooooo scared they avoid them (hide in their "caves") bcuz their physical symptoms get so bad and they just need to hide away and lick their wounds..bcuz they feel humiliated and overwhelmed by it all!!!

But..when they are feeling strong and able to pull themselves together they can look, stare, fantasize BUT NEVER ASK HER OUT even if she's giving off all the right signals..talking to her and relating to her on their level (not up on a pedastal) is very painful at times!!!!

So, what is that exactly? Is that low self esteem and the inability to relate to a woman in an intimate and sexual manner due to love shyness??? I believe that may also be considered social phobia in men?

I'd be interested to know who deals with this and can you share your story????

Thanks

I think part of it has to do with this fear that if they initiate intimate contact (at the wrong time) they'll blow it and ruin their chances, and also being afraid of being labeled a creep.

Being afraid of intimacy? I could see that, especially for the "older" crowd. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm far less experienced than others my age, and would put myself in the "older" category. One of the many questions running through my mind when I'm considering approaching a girl is... what if she says YES?

Being labeled a creep, fear of her rejecting you, lack of experience, lack of self-esteem, afraid of making a fool of yourself, realizing that you're just one of those people that may not be compatible with most women, etc. All these can contribute. I know that unless I have a good stiff drink or two in me, I freeze up, stutter and that's enough to scare anybody off. That's what happened to me the first time I asked for a girls number. All I can say is that due to hilarious reasons, it was perhaps a good thing that she thought it was so that I could call her about home work and that I was never able to reach her anyway!

It has to do with self-esteem, which is usually low. It can be caused early in life, by bullying/teasing, or not being able to fit in. A love-shy guy doesn't have the social skills to interact with women and sprout relationships because they simply never learned how. Maybe due to lack of a role model (having friends that were good with women), or insufficient confidence, for whatever reason, growing up. It's not that they choose to be love-shy, or that they can help being like that; they simply didn't learn the social skills of interacting with women. They want to feel comfortable around women, but don't know how to.

I guess knowing a girl is interested in you doesn't help.. the fact that she may actually say yes and really want ME is just as scary it seems. The idea of coming off wrong..creepy, scared of sex, imexperienced, etc. i can see that being a reason not to pursue.

Whenever i read up on love shyness i wonder if theres any chance for these men to over breakout of it..if TRYING is even an option. And yes i imagine the older you are (close to 30 and over) i can't be an easything to suddenly try and get out of.

Do they just close off and push women away..show disinterest and hide???

I'd think it would be easier with a woman you already know, unless you have her up on a pedastal. I have been reading about that as well..love shy men putting women up on pedastals and not being able to see them as just a person. It sounds like a hole you can't dig yourself out of.

Thats got to be extremely difficult to be so afraid of something (i imagine) you want more then anything??? Is it just something that is accepted in ones life NOT having any intimacy and love from a female?

I know a man like this, and i just can't imagine how it is deep down inside.

**HUGS** to all.

I think one of the main factors is social skills, I know that for me it is difficult to find my next taste of hell... I mean relationship, because I generally need to rely on small talk, which I am not too found of. I'm usually off in my own thoughts to care much about talking to other people and can generally find ways to entertain myself, and have been use to doing that for a long time. I notice that females tend to look towards others when they want a source of entertainment. But if people talk about something I am VERY interested in I will jump right in and keep talking, but that usually never happens.

THIS MAY NOT APPLY TO ALL SHY MEN...

That's an important caveat, to be sure. I'm glad you said as much.

I know its considered being love shy for men but can you actually get so scared of being around a woman you find attractive (and want to be with romantically) that you feel like you are going to have a heart attack and/or pass out..like you are haviing an anxiety attack or break down?

I've gone to great lengths to avoid women in the past at times, but I wouldn't describe the motivating feeling as an anxiety attack or breakdown. But it's precisely the same feeling I have when trying to escape from an angry wasp - a combination of fear and an overwhelming desire to avoid pain.

But..when they are feeling strong and able to pull themselves together they can look, stare, fantasize BUT NEVER ASK HER OUT even if she's giving off all the right signals..talking to her and relating to her on their level (not up on a pedastal) is very painful at times!!!!

I've never see the "right" signals, so I can't comment on that part - all I've ever seen is stop signs. When I was younger I had a moment now and then of feeling sufficiently strong (to use your word) to approach a woman I liked with the idea of asking her out, but the woman in question would ALWAYS shut me down in the clearest possible way before I could even get that far, and often before I could even say a word to her. So I don't even consider that as an option now, because the person I am now is far less able to attract a woman than the person I was when I was young. If the younger version of me was such a complete turn-off to women, any fantasy of being able to attract a woman now doesn't bear thinking about.

More recently, the only time I might feel somewhat strong around a woman I'm attracted to is if I've gotten to know her better because of having had to work closely with her or something. In those situations I can be very friendly to her and relate to her in a relatively relaxed way, to a point where in several cases the woman in question has seemingly come to regard me as a friend, but asking her out remains just as out of the question as when I first saw her at a distance.

I never stare, by the way. Partially because it isn't polite and I'm not a jerk, but also because I'd be too embarrassed to be caught staring. I was publicly humiliated in the past by a woman who thought I was staring at her, even though I wasn't (in fact this wasn't even someone to whom I was attracted). Just another example of how revolting and worthy only of ridicule women in social situations find me to be. The only time women accept my presense is when I am making it absolutely clear that I am only interested in being friendly; every time I've let on to a woman that I might be interested in more than that, she has been not just uninterested but very offended. So I just don't do that anymore.

So, what is that exactly? Is that low self esteem and the inability to relate to a woman in an intimate and sexual manner due to love shyness???

For me it's purely a learned response. As I suggested above, when I was younger I was far less self-conscious (although few people would have characterized me as "outgoing" even then), but whenever I attempted to relate to women in anything approaching an intimate manner their response was one of obvious disgust.

I think part of it has to do with this fear that if they initiate intimate contact (at the wrong time) they'll blow it and ruin their chances, and also being afraid of being labeled a creep.

I wouldn't described myself as "worried about blowing it". I am CERTAIN that they will not be interested no matter how perfect my approach may be, and that I would definitely be labeled as a creep afterwards for having dared to approach.

Being afraid of intimacy? ... One of the many questions running through my mind when I'm considering approaching a girl is... what if she says YES?

 

Here's another example of the differences from one love-shy guy to the next. Speaking solely for myself, I've never been afraid of the possibility that a woman might say "yes". When I was younger I certainly hoped for a yes before being shut down before I could even ask. Now, that's not even an outcome I could consider as a possibility anymore - the only thing I can ever see myself accomplishing by asking a woman out now is if I need to prove to myself that she's not interested so that I could in theory stop thinking about her that way.

 

Do they just close off and push women away..show disinterest and hide???

I'd think it would be easier with a woman you already know, unless you have her up on a pedastal. I have been reading about that as well..love shy men putting women up on pedastals and not being able to see them as just a person. It sounds like a hole you can't dig yourself out of.

 

I'm not sure that the pedestal thing always applies, or at least I don't think it always applies to me. Like I said earlier, in recent years I've become pretty good friends with a couple of different women that I had worked with AND had a major crush on. I've seen and heard enough about difficulties in their lives to certainly see them as people with their own set of problems, and have also shared quite a bit with them about my own difficulties (outside of love shyness, of course). That doesn't mean I believe they could ever have been interested in anything more than a friendship with me, though.

 

Thats got to be extremely difficult to be so afraid of something (i imagine) you want more then anything??? Is it just something that is accepted in ones life NOT having any intimacy and love from a female?

 

For the most part yes, it is just something I do my best to accept as a fait accompli at this stage of my life. I occasionally still have bouts of feeling very down about it, but most of the time it doesn't control my life, especially since I reached a point of being able to look back on my life in hindsight and see so much accumulated evidence that this fate was largely beyond my control.

 

I hope that some parts of the above will be helpful in your attempt to understand the mindset of at least some love-shy men.

I hide for the most part and yes as I near 30 I've come to accept that romance may not be a possibility for me.

What are you hiding from exactly..exposure...that she will see the real you and you can't accept that???

I've never gone as far as feeling like I would pass out, but I've been so nervous around girls that I was literally shaking. It's not usually that bad, but it happens once in a while.

I don't know if a girl liking me would make it easier or harder. as far as I know it's never happened. I did ask a girl out once. My friend said she liked me, and I thought she MIGHT like me, but she said no.

Mostly, it's a fear of screwing up or the girl thinking I'm creepy, both of which have happened. But it's true that I'd have no idea what to do if a girl liked me. I might screw that up too.

Is that low self esteem and the inability to relate to a woman in an intimate and sexual manner due to love shyness???

This is part of it for me. I've never felt like I was going to pass out or anything, but then again I never approach women. I often feel like I don't deserve anyone. I think it's a combination of low self esteem and lack of experience.

Thats got to be extremely difficult to be so afraid of something (i imagine) you want more then anything??? Is it just something that is accepted in ones life NOT having any intimacy and love from a female?

I'm still young so I haven't "given up" (although I haven't tried either) but I am starting to accept the possiblity that I may never be in a relationship. I'm hoping that once I get a job and my own apartment I'll start to "grow up" and maybe that will make me a little more confident. I know I want love and intimacy in my future, but right now I'm trying to be happy without it. If I don't change how I think nothing will ever happen because I don't expect any woman to want me so much that she'll be the one to pursue and not give up.

Sometimes the girl saying YES is more diffficult and a bigger fear i've been hearing then if she says no..bcuz once she says no, its over!!!!!

The knowledge a girl may like you may still make you run away..say no to her (even if you want her) and leave it alone (maybe with alor of regreat) bcuz then if she does say yes then you'll have to deal with the anxiety of her saying YES AND HAVING TO DATE HER and the fact that she will then EXPECT THINGS FROM YOU and you may not want to open up like that..for fear you may still be rejected later on...

Its a viscious cycle apparently.

What are you hiding from exactly..exposure...that she will see the real you and you can't accept that???

That she will see that I'm attracted to her and humiliate me like they used to. Or that my family would find out and tease me about it like my sister used to do a lot. In fact it was only until recently that I started to openly say how I would find a woman to be attractive but before, if asked if I had a girlfriend yet I would just blush up and try to change the subject. What's even funnier is how despite it being an open secret that I have porn, I still deny that I see porn/have it around. I find that speaking about sexuality to ones mother and sister is pretty shameful.

I wont have a panic attack. But I do get stiff and nervous. A little alcohol and I get more outgoing! lol

I'm not afraid to approach women in particular, just being friendly. Though, unless I'm formally introduced, I'll rarely talk to anyone - men or women.

Generally, I will never make a physical move on a women without prior permission. Sometimes I put myself out there and just plain ask them out. If I REALLY like a girl though, I'm scared to do this.

1. It would suck to lose the friendship.

2. Even if I didn't lose the friendship, it'd suck knowing she didn't actually like me.

Negative thinking? Yes. Though I play life by the numbers, and I feel my probability factor of success for

3. We have a hot steamy make out session

ridiculously slim In my entire life, there has only been 1 girl I really liked who was receptive to me. So eventually you just learn to live without it...

I do mentally/emotionally distance myself from women I like most the time. Less chance of getting hurt, though it sucks because I am always considered "just a friend". It pains me when I'm with a girl I really like and someone asks if we're in a relationship/dating.

After reading all of this I'm not sure how I feel about guys like us or even if I should be classified love shy. What I do know is that I have little experience with women. I honestly feel most girls are after something I simply can't give them. What is that? I'm not sure, drama, excitement perhaps.

Being afraid of intimacy? I could see that, especially for the "older" crowd. I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm far less experienced than others my age, and would put myself in the "older" category. One of the many questions running through my mind when I'm considering approaching a girl is... what if she says YES?

 

I'm scared of her saying yes. Maybe it simple the fact that that one yes will bring about 10x more uncomfortable situations.

 

I know if you put in enough effort and time you can be more comfortable around girls you fine attractive. It's still a choice IMO. Just because we have it harder than most shouldn't be an excuse.

I think MY biggest problem is that I find dating insufferably boring even when it's going well.

Every experience is somehow just worse when it's with some girl you barely know.

''I'm scared of her saying yes. Maybe it simple the fact that that one yes will bring about 10x more uncomfortable situations.

I know if you put in enough effort and time you can be more comfortable around girls you fine attractive. It's still a choice IMO. Just because we have it harder than most shouldn't be an excuse. ''

I agree. Its true, excuses (to not do anything...to not try) just keeps you down and you never can progress or move forward in life.

Excuses do keep you from finding happiness and the outcome of never taking a chance is sadness, loneliness, depression, isolation, etc. you can't win hiding from the fears you have, you need to face them head on!!!!!!

Put yoursef out there and you may be pleasantly surprised.

I'm 32 and have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl. I have severe social anxiety and depression. I'm a reclusive introvert and I avoid people as much as I can. I no longer care about the opposite sex, since depression has taken over me. I have much bigger issues to deal with, it's sad but what can you do. I was meant to suffer.

And I don't believe in the "put yourself out there" or "just be yourself" nonsense. I know I can't do that. I have tried all my life and all my efforts were to no avail.

Yes, I get quite scared when I find women attractive. I do feel like a have a crazy amount of adrenaline flowing in me before I even speak. One time I was about going to ask this girl out. I spent all week planning on what to say and the exact day I would do it. When I was about to make my move I felt nervous and started to sweat. As my chance was approaching I became flush and could feel my heart beating in my chest. Felt sleepy and just wanted it to stop. I knew that if I started talking everything would have been fine. But when I went to make my move and walk close to her, I felt time come to a crawl and millions of questions and answers swept over me and when I made it to her I made a turn and left. I was frightened of what would have happened if I had said yes.

I used to hide unintentionally but now I'm more open and have talked to a few girls enough that I won't die from a little chat. The best days when I can actually talk to girls are when I don't get so nervous. Though it's not as much a conscious action as I would like it to be.

Being intimate and sexual really do get my heart racing and not in a good way. I cringe at the thought of even the sexiest of women putting their hands on me. Sex would probably be that heart attack/near death experience deal for me but I think I could manage some how No matter how sexy I think I am, or how beautiful I think she is, going in for a kiss seems almost impossible or dream like. I can't see myself doing that or even sex. I try to imagine myself with women but it feels too "made" up, and unrealistic, liking having sex with 3 women at the same time. Nothing I could possibly think of, could be as real as actually doing it.

I have a little mantra now every time it feels like I'm going to die from getting excited: "Good. This just makes the odds higher and worth it that much more. Even if I die, my life wouldn't be in vain. I will die pushing my mind, heart, and spirit past the breaking point. A man cannot die with more honor and pride." Or something very similar in theory.

However, even with all my problems, I'm still managing to get by some how and I'm learning fast. At the beginning of last year I have asked out 1 girl. Three months ago my total was : Talked with 2, asked out 3, and stood up once, too busy for dates 3 times (all from online dating). Yesterday I asked out another girl and waiting for her reply and I'm hoping to chat with some ladies (in real life)tomorrow even though it probably won't happen.

People can change and make things work. Even super shyguys like me can change by taking the smallest steps and looking at each failure as success. Because each failure chips just a bit away at that huge block of anxiety. Getting a girlfriend would simply be a cannonball of a hit to that block as everything would be put to the test!

Why should it always be the man doing the asking? That seems somewhat old-fashioned.

Hello shygal2008,

I agree with you that the category of males who are uncomfortable dealing with people of the feminine gender have some very interesting personality traits. As counsellor, I have observed them from close quarters, and there is a thread of common traits that run through them.

The causes for their behavior are complex and varied too. For some, it is a culture thing: the family that raises them has ultra-conservative outlook towards womenfolk in general, and the extent of closeness that two people from opposite genders can have in the situation when they are not married.

For others, there is some experience they had while on the way of growing up into adulthood. May be somebody insulted or humiliated. May be they had as role model some individual who in turn had a skewed outlook towards women in general, and so this skewed outlook too got imbibed along with the other traits.

Another category of males has created an image in their mind of a relationship. Plus, they create a script in their mind which they expect that the opposite party will follow.

It takes some time, but one very good technique that I found helps is to make them realize that the feminine gender has not come from some distant star, but are just another set of human beings with slightly different physiological traits. So, instead of looking at them as a "female", try looking at them as an interesting, intelligent human being worth talking to, and take it from there.

My two pennies.

Kirt

Hi again,

An article I have bookmarked is my personal choice for those of us who are shy when it comes to articulating their feelings of love to their woman:

link removed.

At the end of the day, it is very sad that two people cannot get to walk together because their lips are sealed and they cannot express what is deep inside them.

Read, enjoy and introspect!

Kirt